Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Bitchin' Pox
PREGAME
Bitchin' pox is caused by the varicella-pierzynski virus. Though more common in young children, bitchin' pox is a condition that presents a rash of blister-like spots all over the Metrodome turf. This rash may be accompanied by flu-like symptoms. The condition has been known to create ass-bats, and is very contagious, at times infecting an entire 9 man line-up within innings. It also spikes the temperature, though if you stay inside of a climate-controlled dome you can avoid the heat. All in all, conditions tend to let up after 3-game series.
Oatmeal baths and calamine lotion may temporarily cause a measure of relief, but once you open up the newspaper and look at the A.L. Central standings, itchiness returns with a vengeance.
1ST INNING
Hey! Bonser and Herzegovina looked up the word for "barber" in the dictionary. Looking sharp there big guy.
He just so happens to look sharp on the mound as well...a sense of stability to Bonser and Herzegovina? What ever will NATO do now?
-----
Wowza, a single from Castillo that actually left the infield. Someone pop open a bottle of Asti.
With Chairman Mauer temporarily shelved by a coup d'etat led by the evil quadracep faction, Sinn Fein step up the power quotient and let some car bombs bring back down the establishment.
Lots of foul balls in the meantime. It's ok Sinn, these fuses sometimes are dank.
Cuddy McDimples, back from perfecting his sommersaults and cartwheels, allows the bitchin' pox epidemic to set in and present assbat-itus.
2ND INNING
It's too easy to hate on A.J., but normall you let it go because the guy produces...until this year. The .225 average not looking good; talking shit to every opposing hitter will be a tad more difficult. Or would that just make him even more irritating?
I never shy away from criticizing the Twins' lack of run production, but looking up and down this White Sox line-up, there's no one hitting over .264. Whatever, they're still the Bitch Sox.
--------
And boom goes the dynamite! There's some of that strange, rare substance known as power. Seeing that long ball reminds me of a rant, don't know if you all SI's ranking of the top players in baseball. Mauer #2, Santana #3, fine. But Justincredible at #40? What the holy fuck? Guys ahead of him, the..ahem..MVP: Jason Bay...Phillip Hughes, yeah, the guy who has made 2 career starts in the bigs. Seriously? Someone wanted Jeter to win......
I had to mention it at some point.
3RD INNING
The newfound stability in Bonser and Herzegovina is prone to the occasional roadside mine. Well, all I got to say is that Justincredible's was longer, so take that Crede.
Redmond runs to the mound to remind Boof that if he doesn't stop sucking he'll use his athletic cup for a spitoon again. And like that, a double play ball...ah, blackmail. It never fails.
---------
So apparently Big Papi is skeptical that the 'roids helped Bonds start hitting 70 home runs/season after turning 36...hmmm....The Right Ortiz isn't out winning friends is he? Outside of the Commish's office, that is. Hey, maybe we should look into what makes the Papi "Big". Hmm...that sounds a little too suggestive. Fuck it, I'm going with it.
Good god almighty is Tyner worthless.
4TH INNING
Runners on 1st and 3rd, ball in the dirt. Redmond decides to let the ball roll halfway to Winona before picking it up
A.J. now hitting .222 after that whiff, I like it when he and L-Rod have things in common.
Oooh, Bert just dropped a "BOOOOOF!" He could patent that shit.
And hey, it worked. Bert, as usual, knows best.
--------
Vazquez looking good but hell who doesn't these days.
I'd like to see Moryes take it to Sports Illustrated ag...whup, ground out to first. Nevermind.
5TH INNING
T-1000: I agree, and if that's true, Tyner's dad better look out for...Phil Leotardo. What'd you think I was going to say? Just kiddin'.
Boof threw what seemed to be a splitfinger there on that strike out, but in all honestly, I wouldn't know what the heck a splitfinger was if it hit me in the face. Come to think of it, I think my girlfriend gives me the splitfinger when she's irritated.
Crinkey, Redmond is on fire, with respect to throwing runners out. Red Man, on the prowl.
-----
Redmond owns the right-center field gap, though my confidence in Little Nicky is waning. He might have to get used to the bottom of the order, in other words. Man alive, any of you guys know how to play third base? His defense, we must remember, has been quite solid. But come on. He has utility infielder written all over him again.
And that's that.
6TH INNING
Erstad opens with a double, but has yet to locate his upper lip.
Booof.....Booooooooof......Booooooooooooooooof.......Why? Why can't pitchers throw anywhere but home plate? I just don't understand it. Asking a pitcher to throw to third base is like MC Hammer doing gangster rap.
But Boof is a big strikeout guy, so maybe we can hold this to minimal damage.
Uh..No. Damn A.J., Morneau is probably the unluckiest guy in the dome, having to talk to him and all at 1st.
Confidence springs eternal, maybe our bats will awaken.
This would be the wheels coming off.
------
If Y'all want some good news, our AA and AAA teams won today...Scott Baker? Tap tap, is this thing on?
7TH INNING/8TH INNING
Double play yadda yadda yadda.
If I owned a cap, I'd turn it inside out.
HOT DAMN! Back like Meatloaf, the Twins bats finally shook off the rampant Bitchin' Pox and put some runs on the board. I faintly recall that this was the nice part about having the Pear King at the bottom of the order last season, in that we'd turn the line-up over with a man on base.
Geez, all the strategy involving pitching to either Tyner or Rabe is kind of like arguing over whether Colt 45 or Olde English makes a better forty. Just throw a ball and get a ground out, is it that hard?
The Nicene Crede: We believe in dropping foul balls and giving Kubel extra strikes.
Sinn Fein plants an explosive time bomb to tie the game and in doing so is one game closer to DiMaggio.
9TH INNING
Can't say that I disagree with walking the MVP there, and after that bad bunt we're lucky to have someone at 2nd.
You don't see intentional walks result in wild pitches very often, holy hell he almost did it again. I hope the Pear King makes them pay for wanting to pitch to him instead of...cough cough..Punto.
Dammit, Barlett was nearly the hero there.
Well folks, with finals and everything I can't stay for the end of the game, to make us feel guilty they keep the library open 24/7 so there's never any excuse to procrastinate. Hopefully all ends well....
POSTGAME ADDENDUM
Ranked #40 by S.I. Let's see Jason Bay do that.
Bitchin' pox is caused by the varicella-pierzynski virus. Though more common in young children, bitchin' pox is a condition that presents a rash of blister-like spots all over the Metrodome turf. This rash may be accompanied by flu-like symptoms. The condition has been known to create ass-bats, and is very contagious, at times infecting an entire 9 man line-up within innings. It also spikes the temperature, though if you stay inside of a climate-controlled dome you can avoid the heat. All in all, conditions tend to let up after 3-game series.
Oatmeal baths and calamine lotion may temporarily cause a measure of relief, but once you open up the newspaper and look at the A.L. Central standings, itchiness returns with a vengeance.
1ST INNING
Hey! Bonser and Herzegovina looked up the word for "barber" in the dictionary. Looking sharp there big guy.
He just so happens to look sharp on the mound as well...a sense of stability to Bonser and Herzegovina? What ever will NATO do now?
-----
Wowza, a single from Castillo that actually left the infield. Someone pop open a bottle of Asti.
With Chairman Mauer temporarily shelved by a coup d'etat led by the evil quadracep faction, Sinn Fein step up the power quotient and let some car bombs bring back down the establishment.
Lots of foul balls in the meantime. It's ok Sinn, these fuses sometimes are dank.
Cuddy McDimples, back from perfecting his sommersaults and cartwheels, allows the bitchin' pox epidemic to set in and present assbat-itus.
2ND INNING
It's too easy to hate on A.J., but normall you let it go because the guy produces...until this year. The .225 average not looking good; talking shit to every opposing hitter will be a tad more difficult. Or would that just make him even more irritating?
I never shy away from criticizing the Twins' lack of run production, but looking up and down this White Sox line-up, there's no one hitting over .264. Whatever, they're still the Bitch Sox.
--------
And boom goes the dynamite! There's some of that strange, rare substance known as power. Seeing that long ball reminds me of a rant, don't know if you all SI's ranking of the top players in baseball. Mauer #2, Santana #3, fine. But Justincredible at #40? What the holy fuck? Guys ahead of him, the..ahem..MVP: Jason Bay...Phillip Hughes, yeah, the guy who has made 2 career starts in the bigs. Seriously? Someone wanted Jeter to win......
I had to mention it at some point.
3RD INNING
The newfound stability in Bonser and Herzegovina is prone to the occasional roadside mine. Well, all I got to say is that Justincredible's was longer, so take that Crede.
Redmond runs to the mound to remind Boof that if he doesn't stop sucking he'll use his athletic cup for a spitoon again. And like that, a double play ball...ah, blackmail. It never fails.
---------
So apparently Big Papi is skeptical that the 'roids helped Bonds start hitting 70 home runs/season after turning 36...hmmm....The Right Ortiz isn't out winning friends is he? Outside of the Commish's office, that is. Hey, maybe we should look into what makes the Papi "Big". Hmm...that sounds a little too suggestive. Fuck it, I'm going with it.
Good god almighty is Tyner worthless.
4TH INNING
Runners on 1st and 3rd, ball in the dirt. Redmond decides to let the ball roll halfway to Winona before picking it up
A.J. now hitting .222 after that whiff, I like it when he and L-Rod have things in common.
Oooh, Bert just dropped a "BOOOOOF!" He could patent that shit.
And hey, it worked. Bert, as usual, knows best.
--------
Vazquez looking good but hell who doesn't these days.
I'd like to see Moryes take it to Sports Illustrated ag...whup, ground out to first. Nevermind.
5TH INNING
T-1000: I agree, and if that's true, Tyner's dad better look out for...Phil Leotardo. What'd you think I was going to say? Just kiddin'.
Boof threw what seemed to be a splitfinger there on that strike out, but in all honestly, I wouldn't know what the heck a splitfinger was if it hit me in the face. Come to think of it, I think my girlfriend gives me the splitfinger when she's irritated.
Crinkey, Redmond is on fire, with respect to throwing runners out. Red Man, on the prowl.
-----
Redmond owns the right-center field gap, though my confidence in Little Nicky is waning. He might have to get used to the bottom of the order, in other words. Man alive, any of you guys know how to play third base? His defense, we must remember, has been quite solid. But come on. He has utility infielder written all over him again.
And that's that.
6TH INNING
Erstad opens with a double, but has yet to locate his upper lip.
Booof.....Booooooooof......Booooooooooooooooof.......Why? Why can't pitchers throw anywhere but home plate? I just don't understand it. Asking a pitcher to throw to third base is like MC Hammer doing gangster rap.
But Boof is a big strikeout guy, so maybe we can hold this to minimal damage.
Uh..No. Damn A.J., Morneau is probably the unluckiest guy in the dome, having to talk to him and all at 1st.
Confidence springs eternal, maybe our bats will awaken.
This would be the wheels coming off.
------
If Y'all want some good news, our AA and AAA teams won today...Scott Baker? Tap tap, is this thing on?
7TH INNING/8TH INNING
Double play yadda yadda yadda.
If I owned a cap, I'd turn it inside out.
HOT DAMN! Back like Meatloaf, the Twins bats finally shook off the rampant Bitchin' Pox and put some runs on the board. I faintly recall that this was the nice part about having the Pear King at the bottom of the order last season, in that we'd turn the line-up over with a man on base.
Geez, all the strategy involving pitching to either Tyner or Rabe is kind of like arguing over whether Colt 45 or Olde English makes a better forty. Just throw a ball and get a ground out, is it that hard?
The Nicene Crede: We believe in dropping foul balls and giving Kubel extra strikes.
Sinn Fein plants an explosive time bomb to tie the game and in doing so is one game closer to DiMaggio.
9TH INNING
Can't say that I disagree with walking the MVP there, and after that bad bunt we're lucky to have someone at 2nd.
You don't see intentional walks result in wild pitches very often, holy hell he almost did it again. I hope the Pear King makes them pay for wanting to pitch to him instead of...cough cough..Punto.
Dammit, Barlett was nearly the hero there.
Well folks, with finals and everything I can't stay for the end of the game, to make us feel guilty they keep the library open 24/7 so there's never any excuse to procrastinate. Hopefully all ends well....
POSTGAME ADDENDUM
Ranked #40 by S.I. Let's see Jason Bay do that.
# posted by WV @ 7:49 PM 
Comments:
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And that's how we do it around here, Mr. Guillen. The Twins PR department would like to thank you for the term 'pirahnas,' and the rest of us would like to thank you for your weak-ass bullpen.
But hey, you always have your awesome lineup, right? Oh, wait...
But hey, you always have your awesome lineup, right? Oh, wait...
Ok...#1, my Mr. Bartlett is on a 9 game hitting streak...and is clutch...and #2, I called a Mr. Justin walk off homer..and I have witnesses!!!!!!! And RK knows this..I love my first game back is this and just like you guys...I can see it before it happens :)
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