Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

With a spate of graduations and the numbing drudgery of finals behind me, I can now devote weekday afternoons to blogging. Looks like I returned to the fold just in time, a few more days and the entire pitching staff might have been on the disabled list. Seriously, someone disinter Clara Barton stat and get her to Arlington. In any case, Bonser and Herzegovina takes the mound today, and believe it or not, we have a chance to win our second series in a row. Let's hope for the best.

TOP 1ST

King of the Castillo starts things off right by singling to center field, must be tired of legging out infield hits.

"Tyner might be in my estimation the most unlikely designated hitter ever". Though I think it's "unlikeliest", I'm not sure the Rangers' announcer is too far off here. Memo to Gardy: designated HITTER. But hey, I love players who haven't hit a homerun since junior high. No seriously, that's true.

A lazy pop out just off of third base, atta boy Tyner. The pig who takes the ball out to the pitcher for the St. Paul Saints could hit it farther.

Pretty nice at bat for Cuddy, a walk that seemingly lasted 20 pitches. The table is somewhat set now for a red-hot Dr. Neau.

Can't say Justin didn't get his chances, two strike zone fastballs, on a fastball count, for strikes 2 and 3. That's a lot of strikes in one sentence, let's just say he didn't deliver this time.

And Sinn Fein slams an Irish Car Bomb! The Guiness always goes down smooth, and occasionally drives in Castillo.

BOTTOM 1ST, TWINS 1 RANGERS 0

The ghost of Kenny Lofton breaks up Bonser's no hitter after one freaking pitch.

This may be wild speculation on my part, but I wonder if our starting rotation's struggles, particularly those of Ramon Ortiz, have to do with Joe Mauer not calling games. Mauer went out on May 5th, Ortiz started majorly sucking around the same time, actually May 3rd, so who knows.

We could certainly use some strikeouts with 1 out and a guy on third, and Bonser is a good guy to have in a situation like this. Just kidding, a double ties up the game. That was a really ugly slider out over the plate Bonser threw to Teixiera, we're lucky it's not in the center field seats.

But, the big guy battles back, natch.

TOP 2ND, EVERYONE HAS 1

Not a great day for the Rangers' catcher today, passed ball last inning and now he just sailed a throw into center field. Then again, after dealing with David Carr and Drew Bledsoe, I imagine Texan sports fanatics are used to poor accuracy.

In any case, 1st and 3rd with 0 outs, but don't get too excited because Nick "I've Never Seen A Rally I Couldn't Kill" Punto is up.

I sure do miss the Pear King. I know Matt Moses down at Rochester isn't doing spectacular, but at least he could come up and hit .200 and get some experience. Christ.

King of the Castillo steps in and picks Punto up, however, bouncing a single into right field. He's what we like to call "money". Or as Randy Moss would say, "Straight up cash, homey".

50 pitches to get 4 outs, Tejeda is about as efficient as the Army.

You know, the Rangers announcers have really done their homework. Tyner's middle name is Renyt? As in Tyner spelled backwards? That's almost as corny as Apple Paltrow.

Speaking of ass backwards, our D.H., in 2 at bats, has popped out to 3rd, and weakly dribbled one back to the pitcher. This, ladies and gentlement, is our designated rettih.

And Cuddy gets an F for effort, striking out on 3 pitches with 2 men in scoring position. Awesome.

BOTTOM 2ND, SNIWT 2, SREGNAR 1

After a pesky single, the Bonser from last game returns and strikes out the final two hitters. Thus far, Bonser is staking his claim at Chuck Norris' title of Texas Ranger.

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP 1

How about some Anchorman to describe that last at bat for Dr. Neau:

"Champ here! I'm all about havin' fun. You know, get a couple cocktails in me, start a fire in someone's kitchen. Maybe go to SeaWorld, take my pants off. Anyway, I'm kinda known for my catch phrase WHAMMY! As in Justin Morneau at the plate..... WHAMMY! WHAMMY! "

Rubick's Kubel gets his requisite 1 hit of the game, I look forward to his next two line outs.

Knee? What knee! Kubel proves that hoverboards CAN occasionally work on the base paths and steals 2nd. Holy Moses.

BOTTOM 3RD, TWINS UP 2

The ghost of Kenny Lofton is doing a splendid job of haunting the Boofmeister today. 1-2-3 inning anyone? Please?

Lofton steals 2nd; the haunting continues. Soon specters will be coming out of Boof's TV set.

Rocky start today for Bonser and Herzegovina, indeed the road to stability can be long and arduous. I wouldn't mind seeing that stability start right now with Teixera, however. I bet Gardy would just love to need his bullpen to eat up lots of innings today.

And single to right field, motherf*cker.

Yeah, let's pitch a guy who's hitting .203 inside and accidentally hit him. I bet brushing Nelson Cruz off the plate was going to be real effective guys. Did Randerson drop that pearl of wisdom during his mound visit? Good ideas abound.

Striking Kinsler out with the bases juiced on a 3-2 count is...clutch. Hopefully Boof has found something he can build off of here and get out of the inning and settle down a bit.

And he does. Everyone: BOOOOOOOOOFFFF!!!!!!!!

TOP 4TH, TWINS 3 RANGERS 2

Castillo is making a real bid to be today's Praise 'Em, let's see if Renyit can capitalize on this 2 on, no out situation.

And out 'designated' hitter actually drives someone in, but only on a fielder's choice. Maybe McDimples can pick him up and hit a lefty hard.

I do appreciate it when umps miss calls that extend innings and give us extra runs. Bad call or not, their catcher should make more of an effort to CATCH balls, lest he be renamed a dropper. It's become something of a pattern...

And another wild pitch! Let's call up Joe Francis and make a video called "Rangers Gone Wild: Wet T-Shirt Strip Off!"

This afternoon game might finish at 10 tonight.

BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS UP 3

Torii Hunter: money. Doing his part to finish this game before Haley's Comet returns in 2061.

5TH INNING, TWINS UP 3

You know, if Bonser and Herzegovina would just read P.A.B. on his blackberry between innings he'd know that 1-2-3 innings don't bite, in fact, they're desirable. But, no damage done this time.

6TH INNING, TWINS UP A FIELD GOAL

Eyre-in Go Bragh! Be still my beating heart. I like it a lot better when he's not brought in to mop up when we're getting hammered. In a truly scientific calculation of the quality of their bullpen, there's no hammering taking place today; he's actually a valued member of their staff.

I imagine Eyre-in Go Bragh! and Sinn Fein are reminiscing over their Irish kinship and the glory days of the Ulster Independence Party.

Eyre-in Go Bragh!'s 9 pitch inning nearly leaves the announcers speechless.

6TH INNING, TWINS 5, RANGERS 2

My, things are speeding right along now, I've become used to these innings taking 45 minutes, now I barely have time to write anything.

Willie Eyre vs. Chris Heintz: A battle for the ages. Proof that MLB expansion has gotten a little out of control, right? A little watering down of the talent pool?

--------

Though Guerrier was guerrierreat!, the tying run coming to the plate served to remind me that we are only up by 3 runs, for some reason it seems like a lot more.

8ITH INNING, TWINS 5, RANGERS 2

Punto's season at the plate has been so bad that he's a better hitter when he doesn't swing: 3 walks today. Ought to bump the old OBP up a bit. As he shows with a subsequent stolen base, his speed is nice on the basepaths, if only he could hit his way on more.

Cuddyer today has struck out on a couple of pretty high pitches, probably not a good sign. And he, along with Dr. Neau, will never work for Geico because they don't believe in insurance runs.

-------

Well folks, technical problems prevented me from seeing that last run get in for Texas. Pray for Mojo........

I mean, looking at the boxscore, they have 11 hits. They certainly should have at least 3 runs....

In Death Metal, and Sinn Fein, we trust. Straight up cash, homey!

9TH INNING

Jensen: Maybe that's why Gardy decided not to skip his spot in the rotation this weekend. I'll let it go this once. No more favors to Ray-moan until he shapes up!

Twitch n' Pitch decides to make things interesting by letting Teixera get on base, but we'll see where it goes from here.

I'd be happy about this double play, but now that I see Twitch n' Pitch hobbling around the mound after being speared by a broken bat, I'm considerably worried. Clara Barton, you around? The way our relievers are dropped, we should rename this place The Infirmary at Arlington.

At least it got him in the lower buttocks and didn't tear his labrum.

Nathan is thinking to himself, "My stuff is so good it hurts".

Oh Torii!! It would've been a nice catch and we're spoiled. But why couldn't you have caught that?

Ok...it's just a little walk, it's still good, it's still good. No worries here, none whatsoever.

Sosa takes a shot of amphetamines and strolls to the plate.........too easy?

Hey Sammy, why don't you do your stupid little hop towards the showers cuz you just got OWNED.

POSTGAME

Hey, it's two series wins in a row, and they weren't sweeps, but we're all about baby steps. Especially when half our pitching staff is fresh from the farm system. Gardy--feel free to seductively bark at your wife tonight, even if you're not in front of an Ace Hardware store.