Wednesday, May 30, 2007

 

The Baker Report: Bullpen Strong

PREGAME

Welcome everyone to what is Pulling A Blyleven's 100th post--yep, like the show 7th Heaven, we're inexplicably still around. We'll wait to pop the Dom Perignon, however, until we see the outcome of today's game. Today Jon Garland dons his ruby slippers and waltzes into Oz to face Rocket Bats and the pissed off Minnesota Twins. Here's hoping that the Cool Ranch-sized chip on everyone's shoulder translates into another bludgeoning in the runs column.

So if you're stuck at work and away from a TV, here we are. Pulling a Blyleven, ask about it at work. But don't ask about Geico, I hate that duck.

TOP 1ST INNING

Speaking of ruby slippers, was anyone else aware that the Judy Garland museum is in Grand Rapids, MN? Was anyone else aware that there was a need for a Judy Garland museum? I guess you need things to do in Grand Rapids. As if the museum wasn't enough, there's also a Judy Garland festival, where I assume there's a quaalude swallowing contest. I didn't mean that.

I now see that there is in fact a Grand Rapids tourism site, which says that it's the 49th best small town in America to live in. Whoopdy didddly do!

I honestly can't watch these pregame introductions by Dick and Bert without thinking of, "oh, we're live? I didn't know that." That moment is likely the apex of Bert's career, and Dick wasn't even there to witness it. I get the feeling that Dick just misses a lot of exciting things, sort of like Jason Tyner and his quest for a round-tripper.

Anywho, on to the baseball.

Rocket Bats walks his way into trouble by nitpicking around a .220 hitter in Iguchi, but I'll forgive him. Giving up 1 run in the 1st was a lot scarier when the assbats were in full force.

Brilliant play by Cirillo to end the inning, hopping around 3rd base like his name was Nick Punto.

BOTTOM 1ST

How about Kobe demanding a trade? Why aren't he and Lindsey Lohan dating?

Double play, inning over.

TOP 2ND

Listening to Bert's very reasonable analysis of what's wrong with Baker's curveball, I wonder why he's not a pitching coach somewhere. Or at least a curveball coach. Then he could be Jobu Blyleven.

The NIcene Crede: Thou shalt make Rocket Bats pay for his mistakes. I got a feeling, Scott, that today a hard rains a gonna fall.

Rondell White: 1 year, 2.75 million.
Darin Erstad: 1 year, 1 million.

Draw your own conclusions when you see Lew Ford playing left field or DH next.

Rocket Bats nearly gets his way out of another jam, but alas, Iguchi decided to ignore his putrid batting average and drive in 2 runs.

BOTTOM 2ND, HEEL STOMPERS: 4, HEEL STOMPED: 0

The game's so boring that Bert's eating cake on the air, spilling it on his shirt in the process.

Yes Bert, you are a p-i-g, pig, and I think you're the first announcer in the history of the universe to say that.

As Kubel strikes out, I wish Bert would talk more about pastries.

Cirillo, however, drives in Morneau, and now I'm considering getting a cake for myself.

TOP 3RD

Baker is so off today that the rocket bats are functioning backwards and forwards, taking out the umpire and Chris Heintz so far this inning on foul tips. Oh the humanity, now the Ace Hardware advertisement is bearing the brunt of the rocket bat carnage. Who, I ask you, who will pay Gardy to seductively bark at his wife now??

The hard rain is officially falling. Well, Baker has been off, but as Bert reminded us earlier with Boof, sometimes you have to let these young guys get hit around. Hmm..another hard single. Better get Rocket Bats out.

Jason Miller in the pen, Chris Heintz catching, Luis Castillo out...let's file this one in the "I was hungover, what do you want from me?" category.

BOTTOM 3RD

2 guys on for Cuddyer, one swing and we're only down 2. Or, we're out of the inning on a double play. McDimples keeps us glued to the screen.

If I'm Garland, I'm not worrying about the double steals since A.J.'s not playing and there's nobody whose throwing arm demands the utmost disrespect.

Dick thought he heard a grunt on Morneau's big swing on Garland's first offering, really it was just Bert helping himself to more cake. P-I-G, PIG.

TORII HUNTER I'VE JUST KICKED THE HOLY SPIRIT OUT OF THE TRINITY AND INSERTED YOU! Sinn Fein detonated a lazy breaking ball from Garland into the left field corner, and now we've got the tying run at at the plate in Kubel. Yahtzee.

TOP 4TH, Bitch Sox Up 2

Baker comes out, and no coincidentally so do the rocket bats with an easy 1-2-3 inning for Jason Miller.

BOTTOM 4TH, Southsiders 6, Future Warehouse District Denizens 4

Not many players, according to Dick, have switched from the Twins to the Sox in the last 30 odd years. Here's why. You'd have to wear this logo for 162 games:



Oh, quick 1-2-3 inning for Ruby Slippers as well.

5TH INNING, ENEMIES OF PROMISE 6, INSTIGATORS OF MISFORTUNE 4

More decent pitching, Garland unfortunately settling into a groove.

6TH INNING

Tag team...

And now you've got me in the bottom of the inning, down one, runner on third, two away. Out of nowhere, at Augusta, oh, he got a hold of that one! Oops, sorry.

By the way, did you see that awesome bunt from Kubel, Haterade?

Kris Hunts 57 manufactures the comeback! I haven't been that excited about a single to left in a while. Like, since yesterday, at least.

And the lineup will be turned over like a pastry, son.

Bartlett shows off some power. But just a little some. He'll be doing bicep curls in the dugout - settle down, Sister Jensen.

TOP 7TH, GAME KNOTTED AT 6

Let's hope the bullpen can be stingy today, we ask this in the name of the Father, Son, and Torii Hunter. I like the ring that has to it.

Guerrier wants nothing to do with Jim Thome. And I can't say I blame him.

Thanks Dick. Thanks for talking about how we'd only be four and half if we win and Clevelandia loses. Why are you doing this to me?

Well I have to say this was a good time to get off of work and watch the game. I can only imagine what it must have been like to see Rocket Bats pitching today.

BOTTOM 7TH

See, this is the Twins baseball that I'm used to seeing that gets me into an eschatological RAGNAROK frenzy.

Beware.

AN OPEN LETTER

Dear Alex Rodriguez,

Watch Michael Cuddyer. That's how a real professional baseball player breaks up a double play without being a cheap dick.

-RK

Dammit dammit dammit.

TOP 8TH

In comes Death Metal. Back in a second, I have to go Aqua Net my hair and put on eyeliner.

Just another day at the office for Torii Hunter.

I could have sworn I just saw Neshek stick his tongue out and do devil horns.

I just saw 3 Web Gems that inning. I have goosebumps. For serious.

BOTTOM 8TH

And then 3 quick outs? Guys, that's not how you come off such fielding prowess. I didn't even have time to think of anything pithy to say.

TOP 9TH

Hey, what does Darin Erstad go as for Halloween? A man without an upper lip.

Good sweet Lord, Kubel, that was not pretty. I hope you're ok, but man. That looked like a pork chop throwing itself against a wall.

BOTTOM 9TH

WV: For now I'll excuse Rocket Bats giving up 10 hits in 3 innings

RK: Since they were the only 10 hits given up all game

WV: There's some logic to be concluded here...

RK: Poor Scotty

WV: He'll have to earn his Bitch Sox merit badge another day.

RK: There's a poetic moment for Tyner here

WV: As with Punto, he's a more effective hitter when he doesn't swing.

RK: Why does MLB Mosaic care that I've been inactive? And why does it use that as an excuse to boot me off? "Uh, you weren't watching that, were you? Let me turn it off"

WV: For serious. And then it takes for-f'ing ever to restart

RK: Nobody feels like swinging today

WV: Absolut Cintron: Don't drink and field.

RK: Tyner: sacrificing his body

WV: You can't beat that

RK: This is rich.

WV: So, we haven't had a sweep since the middle of April, I like our chances today.

RK: As long as the good doctor hits it hard, we win

WV: Shit.

RK: ...That was more anti-climatic than a drunk hookup

WV: Morneau's like, "here, I'll pop out, why don't you win it and make a few million more next year Mr. Impending Free Agent"

RK: So uh, you think Torii's gonna see a fastball on 2-0?

WV: Think he'll take here on 3-0?

RK: Bert says he "almost has to"

WV: This whole inning was anticlimactic

RK: That was... just... weird.

POSTGAME

WV: I guess the ultimate retaliation is winning, so all is good on that front.

RK: And the Twins are in sole possession of 3rd place in the AL Central, and the Sox are an even .500. It's a good day

WV: Now we can pop that champagne, but since we're grad students we'll have to go with Korbel instead of Dom

RK: Happy 100 posts to us! Good taste echoes from the canyon (canyon), Corbett Canyon (canyon). Anybody remember that jingle?

Comments:
Maybe Sinn Fein will send you guys some champagne...
 
And I love how the new bullpen snack bag is a "My Little Pony" bag..that's worse than spongebob...
 
it's fantastic that they spent more time showing that than the Twins batting.
 
It's exciting....I think the Bitch Sox should hit a line drive right at Baker to wake his ass up.... apparently this game is too early for him...
 
well, at least Cirillo came to play today
 
yeah at least Cirillo can be all like, "I had knee surgery, what's your excuse?" to Rocket Bats
 
I can has beisbol liveblog?
 
Heintz helped us ketchup to the Sox. Hahaha
 
Punned!

God bless you guys too- couldn't get through a Wednesday day game (wtf is up with that by the way?) while at the office without you.
 
doom!! MLB.TV's feed of the twins radio network has gone dead! Help PAB! your my only hope!!11!!
 
We've had some odd day games indeed...
 
Bake her with garland.
 
that was a sweet half inning...lets hope they can match it with the bats!
 
never mind
 
That looked like a pork chop throwing itself against a wall.

LOL.. I'm laughing so hard over that one I'm crying here at work.
 
These long innings make me excited!


Or I'm impacient.
 
The score just changed...who did that?!?
 
Torri walked in Tyner for the W.
 
Ha! How anti-climactic.
 
I totally remember that jingle RK!! And I'm glad I got back just to see Sinn Fein WALK....ahhh, I heart it all...
 
Speaking Of Judy Garland, there is a new and exciting group on Yahoo called The Judy Garland Experience. The group features an amazing and ever changing selection of audio files. This week we are featuring Judy In Concert at The Back Bay Theater in 1968, Selections from Judy's 1950's radio work and television specials, songs and conversations from her aborted role in Valley Of The Dolls, and many other odds and ends (including highlights from a 1973 NY performance by Josephine Baker. "Why" you ask? You will just have to join and find out). The group also features lively discussions, rare photo's, thought provoking polls, and more!
The group's membership has an amazing assortment of people, including Garland family members, other people who knew Judy, people who saw Judy perform, author's, historian's, people who have made movies about Judy, plus fans of every level. The only thing missing is you. Please stop by our little Judyville and check it out. You may never want to leave!
http://movies.groups.yahoo.com/group/thejudygarlandexperience/
 
I don't know how to respond to that.
 
Nothing needs to be said to that. I beam with pride that PAB appeals to such a wide and various cross-sections of the population.
 
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