Wednesday, May 09, 2007



Twins’ GM Terry Ryan has recently responded to criticism regarding the team’s errant ways as of late, leading the team to a near .500 mark and falling 4 games out of 1st in the A.L. Central. The problem is that you need to understand the strange dialect Ryan utilizes when talking to reporters, a language we here at P.A.B. like to call “Gobbledegookian”. Luckily, we’ve gotten our hands on an English-Gobbledegookian dictionary and have deciphered his criptic remarks for everyone’s enjoyment:

Gobbledegookian: "It's pitching and defense, If we had played defense the last couple of games we would have been all right. We didn't. We didn't play defense down in Tampa Bay, and it hurt us. We didn't play defense on Sunday. It hurt us.”

English: Even though, through last night’s game, our team ranks 7th in the league in fielding percentage, maybe if I repeat myself 5 times straight no one will notice the 3.17 runs per game we’re averaging over the last 7 games on offense.


Gobbledegookian: “"I don't care about home runs, I care about run production. If we'd get a single here and there with runners in scoring position we would have won a couple games. We had all kinds of chances to win games the other day and we just didn't get a single."

English: I don’t care about logic because paradoxically gettting 10 trillion singles is how we can lead the AL in hitting and go through 9 game stretches where we average 3.17 runs a game. Not coincidentally, in a game where we hit multiple home runs, we magically win AND score more than 5 runs. Furthermore, we had all kinds of chances to reduce Ponson’s weight and we just didn’t get a celery stick.


Not surprisingly, this phenomenon extends outside of baseball. Let’s have a look-see.

Shawn Alexander, and his always on the brink of amputation broken foot:

Gobbledegookian : “I don't even want to get another X-ray until after this camp, If the X-ray shows it's still cracked, it's like, 'OK. What does that mean?"'

English : Here’s the routing number to my bank where you can leave that $15 million in guaranteed money from my $62 million dollar contract I signed last year.


Curt Schilling, on Barry Bonds:

Gobbledegookian : "I mean, he admitted that he used steroids. I mean, there's no gray area. He admitted to cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes, and cheating on the game, so I think the reaction around the league, the game, being what it is, in the case of what people think. Hank Aaron not being there. The commissioner [Bud Selig] trying to figure out where to be. It's sad.”

English : There is either obedience or the church will burn like Hell is burning! And the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever: and they have no rest day or night, who worship the beast and his image!

Kevin McHale, on his ineptness:

Gobbledegookian : "It was a bad season, there's no other way you can say it. ... It was a bad year and I did a bad job. That's the way it is."

Engl... : Oh wait, no translation necessary, that was in English.

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