Friday, May 25, 2007

 

I'm not the man they think i am at home, Oh no no no, I'm a Rocket Bats!

PREGAME

Normally in the pregame we delve into the immanent match-up, but tonight we dedicate our opening words to the beloved Bat Girl. As many of you know, Bat Girl has decided to permanently hang up her keyboard, and we here at P.A.B. wish her luck in all her future endeavours, which I'm sure will be wildly successful, considering the notoriety of her blog and fiction. The "less stats, more sass" mantra served as our original inspiration, and though nobody can fill Batgirls shoes (or would it be cleats?), our goal here has been to always remember that baseball is first and foremost a game and is fun to both watch and write about. Batgirl epitomized this, and here on our own site, though with far less eloquence and originality, we have tried to bear a passing resemblance to her.

Batgirl, you can't be my Boyfriend of the Day, but you can be my G.O.D. Get it?

TOP 1ST INNING

No lead off walks! That's a bad rocket bats! Baaaad! You hear me? You just wait. You're not supposed to prove the nickname/anagram true Scott.


Line shot to right field....getting a tad nervous here Rocket Bats.

Little Nicky flips to 2nd on that fielder's choice like he's been playing SS all season. I smell a utility infielder......Remember Denny Hocking? Like many diminished Twins (Killebrew, Knoblauch, Joe Mays), his career came to a sputtering, oil leaking stop in Kansas City.

Frank Thomas has hit more home runs (48) against the Twins than every batter in our line-up save Torii Hunter, Cuddy and the good Doctor have hit FOR the Twins. I don't like those odds, but maybe Baker can get out of this jam.

Thomas always has the same look on his face that my Grandmother had minutes after finding out Murder, She Wrote was taken off the air.

After that 2 run single, it's also the same look I currently have on my face. Rocket Bats, you're grounded! No My Space or Fall Out Boy for you for a whole month! Now go to your room.

BOTTOM 1ST

Litsch is a former Devil Rays batboy, and watching him flub Castillo's bunt, it's clear why because he would've made an awful ballboy.

We sure gave Jeter a lot of shit earlier this year for having a stiff neck and not being able to play at his best, so I feel like it would be hypocritical to let Barlett's similar injury pass by unnoticed. Whatever dude, it's not like you have a broken hand. Get out there and play, at least Jeter was doing that. You're not a folk singer, so constantly turning your head from side to side isn't in your job description.

And the good Doctor pulls through and drives in Castillo! Like grilled stuft burritos at Toxic Hell, Morneau is something you can rely on.

TOP 2ND INNING

More innings like this, and eventually Rocket Bats may not be burning out his fuse up here alone.

BOTTOM 2ND INNING

Maybe Redmond texted Litsch after Lew's fake bunt got him thrown out at first and told him to drill him. I imagine that Lew's zany antics get old after a few seasons of hitting near the Mendoza line. Hell, I don't even experience them and I'm fed up with them. Let's call it the Tom Green effect.

TOP 3RD

I don't know who this Minnesotan actress from Nip/Tuck is, but she's never once been to a Twins game, and she gets to throw out the first pitch. That sure threw off Marnie Gellner.

This new Scott Baker who throws down in the zone must be locked in a Metrodome closet while his evil twin Rocket Bats throws high fast balls to Troy Glaus and Vernon Wells.

BOTTOM 3RD

As Stacey has pointed out, today is Rubick's Kubel's 25th birthday, so we all wish him well. You get a one day reprieve from any shots at your uncanny ability to hit line drives right at people. Wait a sec...I just took a shot didn't I. You know, everything I say is a lie. Except for that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that...

Dick shouldn't give Bert hell for stealing people's DQ hats to get free ice cream. I think that's a fantastic idea, and plus, he needs to feel better about the whole H.O.F. thing.

TOP 4TH

A couple of home run hitting sluggers.....an up and down starting pitching staff with 1 guy having a pretty decent season.....a shaky bullpen.....a kooky TV analyst.....a shitty ballpark. Good God! We've become the Bitch Sox!

I didn't mean that, just grumpy that we're losing to someone making their 3rd career start. Plus,Bert will never be The Hawk.

BOTTOM 4TH

I. Hate. Nick. Punto. So. Much.

Anger Salad.

Make that a double Anger Salad, and yes, now I mean what I said earlier about the Bitch Sox.

TOP 5TH

I'm still fuming about that last half inning. If anyone is still on the Punto bandwagon, it's because they're in a coma.

And as I write that he makes a seamless put out, but you can't sweet talk me Little Nicky. No sirree Bob. Ok..maybe I'll start comparing you to Greg Gagne, but that was the dead ball era and defensive minded folk don't cut it anymore. Alright...fine. You can keep playing, I give in. I don't know how to quit you.

In better news, the new Scott Baker has escaped from his locked closet and sent Rocket Bats away. This new Baker even has a bit of arrogance about him, shaking off Redmond. I like it.

BOTTOM 5TH

Dick: "If people were to ask who it would affect most to lose Joe Mauer for 3 weeks, some would say Michael Cuddyer".
Cuddyer: "WHAMMY!"

Dick, the poor thing, goes out on a limb and tries to analyze something and look what happens. Hey...maybe he should do it more often if it gives us a lead.

I don't know how much Dick's Sporting Goods paid to have a commercial during every MLB.tv break, but it's annoying the heck outta me. At least make a couple and give a man some variety. If any of you have seen it, it's interesting how each fan demonstrates the sterotype associated with their given geographical area. The Twins fans talk about history another team about family, you know, being from the heartland. The Chicago fans are fat drunkards. The Yankee's fan is a total dick..hey wait, maybe I do like this commercial.

TOP 6TH

A fast ball up, and the Big Hurt inflicts pain. Who let Rocket Bats back on the mound! We'll get the lead back.

Rocket Bats had to leave the game and go home, his curfew is 9:00.

Getting Matt Stairs in a run down looks something like this:


BOTTOM 6TH

I miss when the Lew Ford Experiment was programmed to hit for average.

7TH INNING

Twins' middle relievers: They're gonna taste GURrierreat!

I also hate how on the MLB.tv breaks they advertise certain items being sold at the MLB.com Shop, with a big pail with a Yankees logo being the largest and more prominently placed item inbetween other sundry pieces of junk. The Yankees already have the YES Network, they don't need MLB.tv's help too. Plus they suck ass this year.

Is it possible to hit a quiet .336? Word on the street is that Castillo is doing just that.

Cirillo is what you might call a "professional" hitter; advancing Castillo 3 times tonight without getting a hit. If Punto could do the same, his .200 average would seem easier to swallow.

Downs bears an uncanny resemblance to Sidney Ponson, what with his near-mullet and sour puss expression. Unfortunately, he appears to be able to get clutch outs.

Torii Hunter is straight up cash, homey.

I think Toronto's pitching coach told Downs, "Hey, why don't you throw a non-sinking sinker right over the plate on the 1st pitch to a guy who likes to swing on the 1st pitch. Yeah, go with that."

Whatever he said, I'm Downs with it.

8TH INNING

Jason Frasor, Jays' reliever:



Brendan Fraser, actor:



Tell me you don't see it. Come on, squint. It's there.

I don't understand why, when the infield fly rule isn't called, a fielder couldn't drop a ball and try to get a double play. Why punish the fielder when it's the hitter's lack of hustle, right? Oh, Bert just said the same thing. Well, that's why he gets paid.

If Neshek ever throws somebody out on a pick off, that baserunner should be banned like Pete Rose.

Meanwhile, Neshek is fighting through some control problems and gets the Big Hurt to look at strike 3 right down the pipe. And he gets Stairs to pop out, if he keeps it up we'll soon forget about Jesse Crain's injury.

Scouting report on Nick Punto: Throw the ball.

9TH INNING

Hey Bert, I'm disemminating an account of this game without MLB's consent. What do you think about that?

Carrying 3 catchers is certainly a limitation, but being that Redmond is one of our few hitters over .300, he seems like an asset at DH. So I'm all for carrying Heintz for now.

Ok Joe, watch out for splintered bats and let's finish this mutha trucka.

Well, while I'm here pulling a Blyleven, Nathan has decided to pull a Guardado. Hopefully these two singles mean nothing.....

Nothing like a little chin music to let Overbay know who's boss. It's all a part of your master plan, right Joe? Riiiight?

Right.

POSTGAME

This was a classic Twins win. The starter leaves with the game within reach, the offense scrapes together some runs and then the bullpen throws down the hammer. In reaching back to our roots, this game was a step forward.

Comments:
I suggest you guys start referring to whomever you praise as a "boyfriend" in honor of our beloved Bat-Girl.
 
Yeah, maybe we should do that at least temporarily, sort of like flying the flag half staff
 
Bunt single to get this "thing" started.
 
Litsch's brim is even straighter on TV. Wow. He needs to work on that.
 
He could just tilt it to one side and be a See See wannabe.
 
I haven't seen a brim that straight since Anthony Reyes of the Cards.

Double play.. nice.. Baker could use a quick inning.
 
it's Kubel's golden birthday. I'm expecting great things in this game.
 
..and I'm expecting nothing from Punto in this game.
 
Just a fact: Anthony Reyes is pitching today.
 
Nice.. NL Straight Brim and AL Straight Brim..
 
good call on that not expecting anything from Punto...Damnit!
 
Really, was there any doubt that he'd hit into a DP? Honestly, there's gotta be someone out there who provides more than Punto does. You literally have to try to suck to be worse.
 
Would the answer to that trivia question be Joe Carter and Paul Molitor?
 
I think so.
 
THAT'S HOW YOU DEBATE.

Cuddy.
 
For some reason I want to watch Anchorman later.. oh wait.

Yeah, with ya on the Dick's Sporting Goods commercials.

Does it look like Glaus was favoring his leg there after that rocket to second?
 
glad you think that commerical is annoying, too. I like how the Yankees guy takes forever to say "it's about doing whatever it takes to win" as though giving us time to read between the lines "it's about buying championships"
 
Baker pitched a pretty good game. Not great, pretty good. All-star caliber when compared to Ortiz and Silva to be exact.

I guess this Dick's Sporting Goods commercial is better than the pong they used to have during breaks.
 
oh, and the Phillys guy standing alone saying "it's about friendship", that's pretty funny too.
 
Pat Borders and Paul Molitor were the answers. Wow, forgot about Pat.

Prior to this series I didn't realize Matt Stairs was still in baseball. It seems like he's been playing since the Twins had the Butch Wynegar and Roger Erickson battery.
 
You know what would be interesting? Joe Nathan growing a Civil War era beard.
 
Hi, please forgive this cut-and-paste comment.

I've started a petition to tell Major League Baseball that a significant number of fans dislike interleague play and want it abolished.

Please visit Petition to End Interleague Play and read it. If you agree, please sign it and consider posting it on this blog.

http://www.petitiononline.com/mlb2007/petition.html

I'm hoping to spread the word among serious baseball fans. I realize it may do very little, but I thought it was time we stop complaining to each other and tell management how we feel. Thanks!
 
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