Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

Except for the catcher, I mean, somebody has to throw the ball back, righ?. Happy Memorial Day to everyone, America's best excuse for going to the lake and getting hammered...err...I mean to honor fallen veterans.

In a world of injustices, Johan has as many losses as Contreras does and also, the Twins are behind the Bitch Sox in the standings. Hopefully both things can be at least partially righted today.

TOP 1ST INNING

Bert just called today's starting pitching "Johantana", maybe Bert knocked a few back at a BBQ on his way to the park.

I actually sort of like "Johantana", though it sounds like a device used to improve your television's reception.

Santana's change up is like those pitches on Looney Tunes where the batter swings and the ball takes a 90 degree turn downward. Johantana defies physics.

BOTTOM 1ST

Well, Bert also initially called Contreras "Jason", so he's decided to do his best Gordo impression today. Along the same lines, I wouldn't mind seeing Bert try to do a Razzle Dazzle mimicry.

I wonder how long it will take for somebody to mention that Guillen coined the term "pirhanas"? I'm giving it 15 minutes.

Punto, I got some advice for you: Bunt or try to get walked every at-bat. That's all.

In the Bible it says that love is patient, and if that's true, Punto, Hunter and Morneau hate everyone's guts because it took a total of 7 pitches for those three to wipe out a promising start to the inning.

2ND INNING

Johantana, the chances are prettttty decent you'll charge ahead of Bedard as the MLB strikeout leader before the end of today's game.

While I have a moment, I have to ask: Did anybody see the Lost season finale last week? Holy Mother. With their ratings being down this season, you could view that twist (which I won't mention) as desperation but actually it was worked in pretty seamlessly. Hate to have to wait until February for the next season....

Anyways, back to baseball. Great Kubel, get a bat that's 1.5 inches longer and blame that on your pitiful batting average. It sure as hell didn't help you not strike out just now. You know, I'm having a sluggish start to blogging today, I think I'll move to the desktop computer, the screen's 2 inches bigger so you all just wait, this post is about to get spectacularly better.

The Pear King takes a pitch off the shoulder to get on base, but some small ball basestealing tactics and then Tyner drives him in, temporarily deserving of being called a designated hitter. Bartlett, all that pain paid off. Why do I have "Hurts So Good" stuck in my head suddenly....

Geez, Bert mentions Contreras' 0.53 career ERA at the Metrodome and all the sudden he's hit a batter, given up a run and threw a pick-off past Konerko. Our boy Bert totally jinxed him.

Come on baby make it hurt so good, sometimes love don't feel like it should....NO MORE JOHN MELLENCAMP

Though, I must admit that I appreciate anyone whose middle name is "Cougar". From now on, I shall be William Viper Viestenz. Yeeeah...that's hot.

Little Nicky hits an RBI line drive to the outfield! If you're going to Hell, bring a winter jacket.

Bingo! It took 20 minutes, not 15, for Dick to bring up that damn pirhana-Guillen connection. I am so money today! This move to the desktop computer was brilliant, thank you Kubel.

3RD INNING

This new guy Terrero is recently arrived to the majors so he hasn't gotten the memo yet that you're supposed to strike out to Johantana and not hit home runs off of him. He'll learn next time up.

Atta boy Kubel, maybe I was too harsh on you.

4TH INNING

OK Johantana, that's enough of this home run stuff now. At least they've been solo shots.

While Bert and Dick argue to the death about whether or not to pick up a starting pitcher, I'm wondering why we don't have more hitters closer to the .300 mark.

The good news is that people other than Punto and Dr. Neau have hits today, hopefully more runs will be the result of this

5TH INNING, Land of 10,000 Lakes 3, Windy City 2

The only time this season when I'll root for the Bitch Sox is when they face Clemens in his first start for the Yankees. Maybe Baker will loan them some Rocket Bats for the occasion.

A few more scoreless innings like this one from Johantana and we'll be in decent shape.

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I think Bert has been more entertaining than the game itself today. We need to find a way to get this blog some air time during a Twins game so that Bert can officially endorse or reject the notion of Pulling A Blyleven.

Good one Torii:



6TH INNING, Lookalikes Up 1

Well, my Memorial Day barbeque involves a healthy serving of anger salad after seeing Johan lose us the lead.

I will have to call up the inventor of teflon and profusely thank him, however, for at least temporarily preventing the Bitch Sox from charging ahead due to the baggie in right field.

And wow, Gardy must think he's at Ace Hardware because he's barking profusely at the 1st base umpire over A.J.'s antics. Naturally, it takes 3 guys to block him from tearing the ump a new one.

Appropriately, all of this conflict occurs just before the moment of silence to commemorate Memorial Day. Baseball, as has been said, is a microcosm for life itself.

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Good to see the pirhanas doing their best to pick up Johantana.

And as Bert mentions, Torii does his best impression of a piranta to commemorate the Bitch Sox being in town and puts the Twins ahead. Happy Salad!

RED MAN!!!! Joe Mauer, it's ok if you stay on the DL for a little while longer. I have to admit, he's justifying, with his bat, the contract extension they gave him and also shows that his .347 average last season wasn't totally a fluke.

If there's any reason to continue watching this it's to see A.J.'s next at-bat. My prediction is that they'll bring in one of the newbies from Rochester whose ejection will have no real consequences.

7TH INNING, TWINS UP 4

And April Johan is back to being May/June Santana, I like it.


You know it's not your day when you walk the bases loaded. Hopefully Dr. Neau does better this time around with the bases juiced.

Well, better luck next time. He might have swung at ball 4 there.

8TH/9TH INNING, TWINS UP 4

Pretty illogical that the "Lifetime Fitness Bonus Zone" promotion gives away a free hotdog and soda and a day pass to a fitness center? Aren't you sort of negating both things?

TORII HUNTER I BOW DOWN BEFORE YOU! After seeing that catch, we can bet that the pitching staff will be breaking down Terry Ryan's door to resign that guy.

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Having Sinn Fein steal third was a nice call to disrespect A.J.'s throwing arm, then he added to everyone's satisfaction when he threw it to St. Paul. Now, if they really wanted to do something sick nasty, they'd send Kubel to third. That's disrespect.

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Pinch hitting for A.J.? Definition of a cowardly douchebag.

It's really remarkable how far along Kubel's defense has come over the year. Like for Punto, a great game.

POSTGAME

On the road to another series win, the Twins looked good today, which is good considering Johan's off day. Leaving 12 men on base is forgivable when you have 16 hits and timely hitting.

And I can't wait until A.J.'s next at bat.