Sunday, May 20, 2007


Ramon Ortiz: President and Founder of the "Mr. April" Fanclub


I liked the idea of reader titles so much, I think I'm gonna make an executive decision that we're gonna play that little mini-game every time. Let's be honest, it's not like our post titles were transcendent or anythng.

So far, it looks like interleague play is as I predicted. So far, the White Stockings are in danger of being swept by the Rookies of the Year, and the Team With the Racially Inensitive Nickname that Plays Near Lake Erie is trailing the Commies, although it's early in the game.

St. Louis teased me a little bit last night, but ever since his strange departure from Philly, I don't put much stock in Scott Rolen to do much of anything.

And the Yankees are sucking. Bad. Hard. And I'm loving every second of it. The only reason you can tell Joe Torre is still alive is when he has to come out and pull yet another injured pitcher.

WV may still be contributing to domestic tranquility, so you may be stuck with me yet again. I pity you all.


Is it just me, or is LNP looking better as of late? I'm just glad when I don't see him jump into first like he's what'shisface Phelps setting 9 world records.

The 0-1 pitchout?? Really? REALLY??

Hahaha, oh, that slide to avoid the tag 30 feet before second base is hilarious. I love the heart.

Hey, no matter what happens, Cuddy's my boy today because he's still swinging his pink bat.


Have y'all (heh, y'all) seen that commercial with Johnny Damon and Joe Mauer when the dude pauses his DVR so he can enjoy a Pepsi before the play at the plate? And they talk and Damon's like "You're not planning on catching that are you?" And Joe says "Uh huh" and Johnny says "I'm gonna be safe anyway" and Joe says "I think I've got the plate pretty well covered" and then Blue says something like "I'll be the judge of that" (I'm paraphrasing, I've only seen it once. And then Damon's safe? Stupid. Joe did have the plate covered.

Ortiz is like a cat. Why is Gwynn bunting? Now on SeeSee Bathsheba, sure.

What? Prince put his hands out there! OK, probably not, but remember when Dougie Bubblegum put his elbow out to get plunked and the ump called him back because he did it on purpose? I kinda miss that guy.


Sigh, the Commies fell behind the Land of Cleves.

However, The Catholic Hierarchies have taken the lead over Los Tigres.

Yikes, Morneau didn't look good up there. But he seems to get better as the game goes on. He's gonna go sit in the dugout and say "stupid, stupid stupid" and hit his head on the butt of his bat. Then he'll get up second time around hoppin' mad.

Damn, I didn't know Contract Year was so high up there in RsBI totals! 4 behind Mr. April. Same with HRs apparently.

Now let's see what the Lew Ford Experiment is programmed to do today.

A 2-strike bunt from World of Warcraft would be great here.

I'd like enough of a rally here to at least get Ortiz up to bat. That would make me a happy boy. Chris Hunts, you know what to do.

I have to say I'm a little impressed with the Milwaukee announcers. With the exception of the guy who sounds drunk repeatedly saying the Twins don't have any power (Mauer, Cuddy, Morneau, and Hunter?) they're giving the team some solid dues.

Good good, now as long as the Pear King can get on base, we'll turn the lineup over, and maybe even score some runs if he can line one down the left field line.

Dammit. Well, we'll see what happens.


Well, I can say this for sure: Ortiz is pitching better than he did in his last outing.

For other hot tips and wild assertions, send me an email.

And as soon as I say that Raymoan starts trying to throw the ball into the crowd.

It's alright, Everybody Loves Raymoan, just get the damn pitcher out.

Also, the Tigers are atop the Cardinals, so there's that.


Some of the Brewers are gonna be on Young and the Restless? That's actually pretty awesome. I'll probably watch it... not that I watch soaps regularly. Except I did get hooked on Days once upon a time. Shut up.

I know, Jensen, right? Never mind the idiocy of pausing the game at such a pivotal moment, but Damon was so out.

Nick Punto's have a career day!

I told you Cuddy was my boy! It's the power of pink! I'm aware of this power because I wear pink a lot. Sometimes I match it with pink socks. Sometimes pink skivvies. Get your minds out of the gutter.

MVP, stop it! You're giving me a heart attack!

Well, take 'em where you find 'em, right?

Jensen, no way, Dick gets 'em all the time! I can think of a least one other time: Bobby Kielty off Barry Zito. The very reason Oakland picked him up. I'd be more shocked if Bert got one. He's about as good at it as we are.

I am so gonna miss Contract Year.

The LFE is programmed to have a good eye. Number 20 is alive!

As Kris Hunts 57 puts two more across the plate, I'm reminded of when it was fun to watch baseball, and it can be fun again.

And we turned the lineup over! I'm gonna beat this point into the ground. Another reason why you miss WV I'm sure. He would gently tell me to stop repeating myself.

Oh man, as nice as that inning was, how cool would it have been if Bartlett would have beat that throw? Ah, ghosts of what could have been.


Haha, Cuddles McHappy Yard. Good one.

That one's on Heinz. Sorry buddy, but you shouldn't 2-hop the ball to second. I know it was only one hop, but he may as well have bowled it out there.

Well. Here we go.

Jesus, I cannot get over how big Prince Fielder is. Did he eat Paul Molitor?

I'd say something about how nobody could come up with that ball up the middle, but after watching what happened to the Janky Lo-Fis yesterday, I'm not gonna complain. We're still up two.


In other news, Clevelandia is still up 3 on the Pinkos, but Twins fans will now be happy to hear that Aaron Fultz is pitching. And now it's 5-3.

The Cardinals are still acting Ordinally.

And the Baby Bears are trailing the Flying Pierzynskis

C.f. first inning: Castillo does better when not swinging for the fences.

Yes Gardy, that was a balk. You were correct sir.

Morneau's chi is centered. I can feel it. I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I predict patience at the plate and a single to left field.

Drunkman shut up - the MVP did not go on any of the three occasions you say he did. That's the scotch talking. Now start thumbing your blue chip and telling yourself you'll do better tomorrow.

My prediction was close enough to start my own fortunetelling empire a la Miss Cleo and put myself all over late night TV. Do you ever watch those things? Sometimes I do, especially when I come home less than sober and I really think getting a Magic Bullet is a good decision.

Another good decision is getting another run across to make it 5-2.


Well, the bad guys are all still winning, but StL is showing signs of life. But Rolen's up, so it's over.

Ha, in the CWS/CHC game, they're asking if the White Sox or Cards were the Cubs biggest rival. Is that really even a question? The answer is obvious, is it not? (Cards)

As Ortiz looks like he's a little bit struggling to get the third out (I'm distracting myself as a show of confidence), let's ponder the nature of infinity. Vargas didn't (It's Cuddy's Day by the power of Grayskull pink!) have a good day, and that'll bump his ERA probably up a full point. We all know that if a pitcher gives up an earned run and fails to record an out on his first outing of the season, his ERA is infinity. There's no way to calculate it because you can't divide by zero, right? I think that's a law of mathematics. I passed my stats class with an A if you can believe it. But what's funny is that infinity becomes a number if it's merely an addition to a compiled ERA. So what does that say about infinity? [post-hoc addition] If all mathematics takes place between -1 and 1 (that's pretty much the whole point of calculus) infinity would become sort of an absolute zero, right? No movement possible along that continuum. Am I the only one that thinks about this kind of stuff?


Newhouse strikes out the LFE. He must be malfunctioning a little bit. Don't get all HAL 9000 on us, Lew!

2 outs.

I don't like this Villanueva guy.


Another update:

Hey, Rolen didn't come through. Big surprise: Detroit wins.

Travis Hafner tries this whole "Defense thing": Cleveland wins.

Bitch Socks are up still.

The LFE has also been programmed to make excellent plays to catch foul balls! I love how people are chanting "Leeeeewww" even in Milwaukee. And his shirt is improperly buttoned! Ladies, isn't he just so darn cute?

Well, at least Bartlett got a glove on it. I'm not sure why he threw.

Oh Heintz, stop being polite. Stay out at the mound as long as possible. If nothing else to watch Bruce Froemming try to chug up there to break it up.

I'm so mean.


I'm on strike for the rest of this inning. You'll get nothing from me. Except this. Perkins could have done that. Garza could have done that. What's the difference? Those two would have gotten the commensurate experience that Ortiz wouldn't.


At least the Cubbies are threatening.

What? That wasn't a strike before! I'm yelling this out loud. My neighbors must think I'm strange.

I can't imagine the King of the Castle bunting here. But perhaps that's why he would. For a hit, because you have to imagine the 3B isn't gonna cheat too far up the line.

I just want you to know, I'm not gonna put my name in the hat for a mangerial position.

I like the squeeze. I say do it with two outs... or better yet, STRAIGHT STEAL OF HOME! The Fox stole home, the Fox stole home! (name that film)

Oh Nick, the game in my head is going so much better than the game on my field.

I feel this one slipping away.


Well, that was actually encouraging.


Seeing Morneau groundout is especially sad because it's like such a waste of potential, y'know?

OK Contract Year, momma said knock you out. Er, to the baseball

Argh. And now I have no more hope for the rest of this inning. I know that's not what I should be saying, but it's true.

Did the stadium just play Hava Nagila? Neat.


Well awesome. The Brewers go up and the White Sox are going to win. What's going on with our bullpen?!


I don't doubt the Magic Bullet is probably a good blender. And I need a blender. I just don't think I should be making those decisions at 3 in the morning using Johnny Walker judgment.

I have nothing baseball-related to say.


Take a lesson from Pat Neshek, fellas.


I'm watching in anticipation - it's hard to write when you can't take your eyes off the game. Sorry people, I never discount the comeback.

The ball was outside, but Nick should have swung at that.

That AB by Cuddy was sickening.

Swing at everything everybody!


Damn blast hell and spite.

I love that Pepsi commercial!! I just saw it yesterday and I actually got upset when the blue called Damon safe...I actually yelled out "bullshit!!" :)
Not going to lie RK....but Dick just called that....right when Cuddy went up there he was like "I'm going to make a call. I haven't done one in awhile. I think Cuddyer will go out in left field" and BAM...done...I can't believe Dick actually got one...
This is a little after the fact, but a friend of mine swears by his Magic Bullet.
Wow, three terrible at bats. It was an interesting mix of Punto "I'm going to not move the bat" to Cuddyer and Morneau's "We're just swinging at everything."
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