Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Minnesota Twins 3: Back To The Minors
PREGAME
A PROCLAMATION:
Herewith, the MINNESOTA TWINS are deemed unworthy of references to the major motion picture MAJOR LEAGUE, and must only receive references to the 1998 vehicle, MAJOR LEAGUE 3: BACK TO THE MINORS, starringQUANTUM LEAP SCOTT BAKULA. This punishment is retroactive, and further penalizations are enforcable. The BOTTOM OF THE BARREL is references only to the MATT LEBLANC movie ED. Nobody wants that. If CARLOS "GORDITO" SILVA can win the game tonight over SEESEE SABATHIA, the team will enjoy a respite of MAJOR LEAGUE references.
TOP 1ST
RK: What do you suppose the trick is to getting to Bathsheba tonight?
WV: Bunting. Make his fat ass move.
RK: Not that we have a spry young man on the mound for the good guys either. Poor mound. Sandy Koufax would shed a tear.
WV: By the 5th inning the pitching mound will have become the pitching trench.
RK: So uh, rain delay, huh?
WV: Whether rain or snow, Cleveland must have the worst weather on the planet.
RK: I don't think too much of the city itself either.
INTERMISSION
WV: This is odd. The Twins are delayed, Rochester is delayed, New Britain is delayed as is Fort Myers. If you're a Twins fan, chances are you're getting rained on.
RK: I got rained on walking home from work. That's an omen, son. Or is it a portent? I always get those two mixed up.
WV: It's a portent. They say the game's gonna start in 25.
RK: "They"? Who's they? The robots?
WV: Close, Mike Max.
RK: I want Stephen A. Smith to narrate my life. He'd be like "THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT, I WANTED TO EAT REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER PUFFS FOR BREAKFAST INSTEAD OF COCOA PUFFS."
WV: That's pure gold.
RK: These are the things I think about at night-time, when you're all asleep.
WV: I could eat bacon 'n' cheddar easy cheez on triscuits... let's say... everyday for breakfast, if not more.
RK: You know what I like for breakfast? A big glass of tears of innocent children
WV: I hope Donnie Garko's playing today.
END INTERMISSION
WV: Away we go
RK: I better get a cup of coffee.
WV: Holy hell, stealing third.
RK: That's always on the pitcher.
WV: I prefer it when we don't score in the 1st, maybe we can hold them to a dozen runs tonight
RK: There's always hope.
BOTTOM 1ST
WV: The Pear King didn't need to air mail that one.
RK: If you squint hard, Silva looks like Ortiz
WV: I just recall the halcyon days where good pitching was a given
RK: Even Rick Reed
WV: Right now, Rick Reed would be number 2 in the rotation.
RK: Frightening.
TOP 2ND
RK: Torii up there battling his tail off?
WV: All for naught.
RK: The Nurenberg, Paris Injury Report?
WV: Sounds fascist.
RK: OH MY GOD, A JEFF CIRILLO SIGHTING! QUIET!
WV: Jeffy, the cagey veteran, decides to take a 3-1 fastball down the middle. Sly, Jeff. Sly.
RK: Mientkiewiczian eye there.
WV: The Lew Ford Experiment is powered up, and looking svelt I might add.
RK: Someone must have taken some ballast off him.
WV: The Lew Ford Experiment rests on the Sabathia.
RK: Literally.
WV: In Heintzight, that was a nice hit.
RK: God oh God, Heintz needs to wear number 57
WV: Let's hope Terry Ryan reads this.
RK: Not a doubt in my mind.
WV: In Heintzight, that was stupid.
RK: Cuddyeresque
BOTTOM 2ND
RK: I lhike Jhonny, bhecause iht's lhike hhis nhame ihs ahn ahnagram
WV: Best anagram ever for Johnny Peralta: Japan Let Horny
RK: Why must you torment me, Donnie Garko? It's a mad world!
WV: Garko keeps it in the parko
RK: Josh Garfield up to try and get Jon's lasagna.
WV: And send Odie to Abu Dhabi
RK: It'd be funny if in light of current events, he tried to send Odie to Abu Ghraib and then Odie at the end of the strip would say "NOT FUNNY!"
TOP 3RD
RK: Wow, when CC can run that down...
WV: Well, we're within 1, so that's something.
RK: And that quick inning helped make up the rain delay time... Right?
BOTTOM 3RD
WV: Baseball, more like boringball, am I right?
RK: Yeah, I'm glad I got that coffee. And have these fire ants crawling all over me. Wait, that's the meth talking
WV: Ha, "why do my teeth itch?"
RK: Surprisingly good effort from the 3rd stringer
WV: He shouldn't be ashamed of that throw, that was on Silva.
RK: Just as good as a strikeout
WV: Walking Hafner might not be the worst of ideas
RK: One of those intentional unintentional walks.
WV: May as well count that as a run at this point
RK: You see into the future!
WV: Hafner thinks to himself, "I've had enough, I'm going to Smokey's"
RK: "But pumpkin! You can't swim!"
WV: The Lew Ford Experiment has a kink in its slide mechanism
RK: He'll get his hydraulic pumps greased between innings
WV: Pretty good pitch
RK: Indeed.
TOP 4TH
WV: This whole warning business is ridiculous, we should get a chance to retaliate first, right?
RK: Exactly - and I want more fights in general, because I firmly believe that Justin could single handedly put down anybody on their team
WV: You know, Sabathia's control has been spot on so far tonight. I'm not totally convinced that wasn't intentional, but whatever. It's a grown-up's game, no crying in baseball.
RK: Right, but 2 innings later, we plunk Hafner, and it should be OK.
WV: Yeah, just wait until Silva's about to be taken out, then the benches will clear.
RK: I love this hard-nosed old-school stuff. Enjoy some classic baseball fights:
WV: OK, we need to upgrade more than the sliding mechanism on the LFE
RK: But the heart is fine.
WV: Though, I appreciated the bunt, sort of a fuck you to C.C.
RK: If only Heintz 57 were as runny as A1
BOTTOM 4TH
WV: Silva's looking... good
RK: Going down smoother than Silver Wolf vodka, that's for sure.
WV: Ryan?
RK: Honestly, I think his name is Donnie now. He may as well just change it.
TOP 5TH
RK: Panini's! HOME OF FASCISM.
WV: THEY SHOWED BERT!
RK: My night is complete.
WV: I miss him.
RK: Me too. Maybe to a disturbing degree.
WV: Cleveland's announcers being awfully magnanimous towards Mr. Blyleven
RK: Anybody who likes Bert is a friend of mine. After the game.
WV: I also love the fact that Cleveland's number for tickets is still 420-HITS. Nobody's brought that up yet?
RK: That would be like if Premium Grain Belt had an advertisement for tickets and you called 612-BEER for tickets
WV: It'd be like if Cuddyer's calling card said 1-800-HOWDOYOUGOOPPOSITEFIELD?
RK: Yikes
WV: Apparently the strike zone in this game is from the ankles to the letters
RK: When Blue feels like it
BOTTOM 5TH
RK: Wow, that was just like Garfield chasing a mouse
WV: It's a real shame that we're making a habit of not giving Gordo a chance to win, what comes around goes around, I suppose.
RK: It's nice to watch a close game though
WV: Silva, make like a Mighty Mighty Bosstones album and PAY ATTENTION!
RK: That's the impression that you get?
WV: Sizemore is the Rascal King, but still.
RK: Hahaha, indeed, Stacey. West Side Liquors - there's one near me! I'm a Johnny myself though.
WV: Somewhere Dark Beard shakes his head.
RK: And then casts another line.
WV: Well that's nice
RK: What a crook
WV: Remember when we were good?
RK: No.
WV: Do you remember rock n' roll radio?
RK: I'm sorry, I was referencing New Order's greatest hits album, "No." Yes, I remember when we were good
WV: I wish Dark Beard would pull a Clemens and reconsider this retirement thing.
RK: Except for the whole being a douchemuffin thing
TOP 6TH
RK: Here's something to take your mind off the game for a second:
WV: Justin, your time has come!
RK: Riiiiise up!
WV: Or not
RK: Ground weakly to first, whatever.
WV: That would surprised me any other time but in this series. Of course Pheralta mhakes thhat chatch.
BOTTOM 6TH
RK: Where did that strikeout come from?
WV: Well, that whole inning in general.
RK: Wow. Now let's get some runs!
TOP 7TH
RK: And like presidential history, Nixon precludes Ford's glory
WV: You just can't get away from Nixon when you're Ford
RK: There's always gonna be that aspect to your legacy.
WV: No matter how many stairs you fall down.
RK: What a crook in right field
WV: Damn son, we can't buy a hit tonight.
RK: John Gordon and Bob Uecker need to switch positions the rest of the season.
BOTTOM 7TH
RK: Casey Blake, justifying his presence in the big leagues.
WV: Did you ever actually see "Back to the Minors"?
RK: Yeah, it's awful. Not as bad as Spiderman 3 though.
WV: That's even more of a shame, though I can't say I was that keen on the 2nd installment. Chris Heintz is, in fact, a catcher right?
RK: I do believe he's listed as such on the scorecard. Just think of Tom Prince and feel better
WV: Nixon absconds to the dugout, leaves Ford to finish the play.
RK: Sometimes, these things just write themselves.
WV: Too bad there isn't a Carter or Reagen on the rosters
RK: I guarantee that Neshek owns "Year Zero"
WV: He was in a Mötorhead cover band in high school
RK: I hope to God that's true.
WV: oh sorry, it's Motörhead. You know, that doesn't even make sense.
RK: No, no it doesn't.
WV: This would be the wheels falling off.
RK: Are we downgrading this team to Little Big League status?
WV: We may be there.
TOP 8TH
RK: Damn you, Casey Blake
WV: I'm going to be driven to drink.
BOTTOM 8TH
WV's off to watch some LOST, so you got me. I'm feeling the love.
Seriously, wait, who the hell's pitching for us? The farm system is WV's territory. I can't make out the name: Spatula? Well, I'm gonna call him that.
DePaula, SchmePaula, I like Spatula better.
I'm having a strange night.
As pessimistic as I always sound, I always hold a little space for a comeback. We shall see.
TOP 9TH
Wow, are my eyes screwy.
I mean, like, they're all fuzzy. Hence why I couldn't read DePaula's jersey. My eyes probably need a rest.
POSTGAME
I'm going to have a nap. Then I'll fire ze missiles! Guys, I'm not gonna lie to you, I feel like we're losing our grip on things this season. Maybe they'll do a 2006, but I don't want to live through that again. I hope I'm wrong, but boy is this not looking good.
A PROCLAMATION:
Herewith, the MINNESOTA TWINS are deemed unworthy of references to the major motion picture MAJOR LEAGUE, and must only receive references to the 1998 vehicle, MAJOR LEAGUE 3: BACK TO THE MINORS, starring
TOP 1ST
RK: What do you suppose the trick is to getting to Bathsheba tonight?
WV: Bunting. Make his fat ass move.
RK: Not that we have a spry young man on the mound for the good guys either. Poor mound. Sandy Koufax would shed a tear.
WV: By the 5th inning the pitching mound will have become the pitching trench.
RK: So uh, rain delay, huh?
WV: Whether rain or snow, Cleveland must have the worst weather on the planet.
RK: I don't think too much of the city itself either.
INTERMISSION
WV: This is odd. The Twins are delayed, Rochester is delayed, New Britain is delayed as is Fort Myers. If you're a Twins fan, chances are you're getting rained on.
RK: I got rained on walking home from work. That's an omen, son. Or is it a portent? I always get those two mixed up.
WV: It's a portent. They say the game's gonna start in 25.
RK: "They"? Who's they? The robots?
WV: Close, Mike Max.
RK: I want Stephen A. Smith to narrate my life. He'd be like "THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT, I WANTED TO EAT REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER PUFFS FOR BREAKFAST INSTEAD OF COCOA PUFFS."
WV: That's pure gold.
RK: These are the things I think about at night-time, when you're all asleep.
WV: I could eat bacon 'n' cheddar easy cheez on triscuits... let's say... everyday for breakfast, if not more.
RK: You know what I like for breakfast? A big glass of tears of innocent children
WV: I hope Donnie Garko's playing today.
END INTERMISSION
WV: Away we go
RK: I better get a cup of coffee.
WV: Holy hell, stealing third.
RK: That's always on the pitcher.
WV: I prefer it when we don't score in the 1st, maybe we can hold them to a dozen runs tonight
RK: There's always hope.
BOTTOM 1ST
WV: The Pear King didn't need to air mail that one.
RK: If you squint hard, Silva looks like Ortiz
WV: I just recall the halcyon days where good pitching was a given
RK: Even Rick Reed
WV: Right now, Rick Reed would be number 2 in the rotation.
RK: Frightening.
TOP 2ND
RK: Torii up there battling his tail off?
WV: All for naught.
RK: The Nurenberg, Paris Injury Report?
WV: Sounds fascist.
RK: OH MY GOD, A JEFF CIRILLO SIGHTING! QUIET!
WV: Jeffy, the cagey veteran, decides to take a 3-1 fastball down the middle. Sly, Jeff. Sly.
RK: Mientkiewiczian eye there.
WV: The Lew Ford Experiment is powered up, and looking svelt I might add.
RK: Someone must have taken some ballast off him.
WV: The Lew Ford Experiment rests on the Sabathia.
RK: Literally.
WV: In Heintzight, that was a nice hit.
RK: God oh God, Heintz needs to wear number 57
WV: Let's hope Terry Ryan reads this.
RK: Not a doubt in my mind.
WV: In Heintzight, that was stupid.
RK: Cuddyeresque
BOTTOM 2ND
RK: I lhike Jhonny, bhecause iht's lhike hhis nhame ihs ahn ahnagram
WV: Best anagram ever for Johnny Peralta: Japan Let Horny
RK: Why must you torment me, Donnie Garko? It's a mad world!
WV: Garko keeps it in the parko
RK: Josh Garfield up to try and get Jon's lasagna.
WV: And send Odie to Abu Dhabi
RK: It'd be funny if in light of current events, he tried to send Odie to Abu Ghraib and then Odie at the end of the strip would say "NOT FUNNY!"
TOP 3RD
RK: Wow, when CC can run that down...
WV: Well, we're within 1, so that's something.
RK: And that quick inning helped make up the rain delay time... Right?
BOTTOM 3RD
WV: Baseball, more like boringball, am I right?
RK: Yeah, I'm glad I got that coffee. And have these fire ants crawling all over me. Wait, that's the meth talking
WV: Ha, "why do my teeth itch?"
RK: Surprisingly good effort from the 3rd stringer
WV: He shouldn't be ashamed of that throw, that was on Silva.
RK: Just as good as a strikeout
WV: Walking Hafner might not be the worst of ideas
RK: One of those intentional unintentional walks.
WV: May as well count that as a run at this point
RK: You see into the future!
WV: Hafner thinks to himself, "I've had enough, I'm going to Smokey's"
RK: "But pumpkin! You can't swim!"
WV: The Lew Ford Experiment has a kink in its slide mechanism
RK: He'll get his hydraulic pumps greased between innings
WV: Pretty good pitch
RK: Indeed.
TOP 4TH
WV: This whole warning business is ridiculous, we should get a chance to retaliate first, right?
RK: Exactly - and I want more fights in general, because I firmly believe that Justin could single handedly put down anybody on their team
WV: You know, Sabathia's control has been spot on so far tonight. I'm not totally convinced that wasn't intentional, but whatever. It's a grown-up's game, no crying in baseball.
RK: Right, but 2 innings later, we plunk Hafner, and it should be OK.
WV: Yeah, just wait until Silva's about to be taken out, then the benches will clear.
RK: I love this hard-nosed old-school stuff. Enjoy some classic baseball fights:
WV: OK, we need to upgrade more than the sliding mechanism on the LFE
RK: But the heart is fine.
WV: Though, I appreciated the bunt, sort of a fuck you to C.C.
RK: If only Heintz 57 were as runny as A1
BOTTOM 4TH
WV: Silva's looking... good
RK: Going down smoother than Silver Wolf vodka, that's for sure.
WV: Ryan?
RK: Honestly, I think his name is Donnie now. He may as well just change it.
TOP 5TH
RK: Panini's! HOME OF FASCISM.
WV: THEY SHOWED BERT!
RK: My night is complete.
WV: I miss him.
RK: Me too. Maybe to a disturbing degree.
WV: Cleveland's announcers being awfully magnanimous towards Mr. Blyleven
RK: Anybody who likes Bert is a friend of mine. After the game.
WV: I also love the fact that Cleveland's number for tickets is still 420-HITS. Nobody's brought that up yet?
RK: That would be like if Premium Grain Belt had an advertisement for tickets and you called 612-BEER for tickets
WV: It'd be like if Cuddyer's calling card said 1-800-HOWDOYOUGOOPPOSITEFIELD?
RK: Yikes
WV: Apparently the strike zone in this game is from the ankles to the letters
RK: When Blue feels like it
BOTTOM 5TH
RK: Wow, that was just like Garfield chasing a mouse
WV: It's a real shame that we're making a habit of not giving Gordo a chance to win, what comes around goes around, I suppose.
RK: It's nice to watch a close game though
WV: Silva, make like a Mighty Mighty Bosstones album and PAY ATTENTION!
RK: That's the impression that you get?
WV: Sizemore is the Rascal King, but still.
RK: Hahaha, indeed, Stacey. West Side Liquors - there's one near me! I'm a Johnny myself though.
WV: Somewhere Dark Beard shakes his head.
RK: And then casts another line.
WV: Well that's nice
RK: What a crook
WV: Remember when we were good?
RK: No.
WV: Do you remember rock n' roll radio?
RK: I'm sorry, I was referencing New Order's greatest hits album, "No." Yes, I remember when we were good
WV: I wish Dark Beard would pull a Clemens and reconsider this retirement thing.
RK: Except for the whole being a douchemuffin thing
TOP 6TH
RK: Here's something to take your mind off the game for a second:
WV: Justin, your time has come!
RK: Riiiiise up!
WV: Or not
RK: Ground weakly to first, whatever.
WV: That would surprised me any other time but in this series. Of course Pheralta mhakes thhat chatch.
BOTTOM 6TH
RK: Where did that strikeout come from?
WV: Well, that whole inning in general.
RK: Wow. Now let's get some runs!
TOP 7TH
RK: And like presidential history, Nixon precludes Ford's glory
WV: You just can't get away from Nixon when you're Ford
RK: There's always gonna be that aspect to your legacy.
WV: No matter how many stairs you fall down.
RK: What a crook in right field
WV: Damn son, we can't buy a hit tonight.
RK: John Gordon and Bob Uecker need to switch positions the rest of the season.
BOTTOM 7TH
RK: Casey Blake, justifying his presence in the big leagues.
WV: Did you ever actually see "Back to the Minors"?
RK: Yeah, it's awful. Not as bad as Spiderman 3 though.
WV: That's even more of a shame, though I can't say I was that keen on the 2nd installment. Chris Heintz is, in fact, a catcher right?
RK: I do believe he's listed as such on the scorecard. Just think of Tom Prince and feel better
WV: Nixon absconds to the dugout, leaves Ford to finish the play.
RK: Sometimes, these things just write themselves.
WV: Too bad there isn't a Carter or Reagen on the rosters
RK: I guarantee that Neshek owns "Year Zero"
WV: He was in a Mötorhead cover band in high school
RK: I hope to God that's true.
WV: oh sorry, it's Motörhead. You know, that doesn't even make sense.
RK: No, no it doesn't.
WV: This would be the wheels falling off.
RK: Are we downgrading this team to Little Big League status?
WV: We may be there.
TOP 8TH
RK: Damn you, Casey Blake
WV: I'm going to be driven to drink.
BOTTOM 8TH
WV's off to watch some LOST, so you got me. I'm feeling the love.
Seriously, wait, who the hell's pitching for us? The farm system is WV's territory. I can't make out the name: Spatula? Well, I'm gonna call him that.
DePaula, SchmePaula, I like Spatula better.
I'm having a strange night.
As pessimistic as I always sound, I always hold a little space for a comeback. We shall see.
TOP 9TH
Wow, are my eyes screwy.
I mean, like, they're all fuzzy. Hence why I couldn't read DePaula's jersey. My eyes probably need a rest.
POSTGAME
I'm going to have a nap. Then I'll fire ze missiles! Guys, I'm not gonna lie to you, I feel like we're losing our grip on things this season. Maybe they'll do a 2006, but I don't want to live through that again. I hope I'm wrong, but boy is this not looking good.
# posted by RK @ 6:46 PM 
Comments:
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I had to suffer through big losses from both the Twins and my college team yesterday. But, the college team isn't playing today, so hopefully that bodes better for the Twins. Here's crossing my fingers.
# posted by 
: 7:07 PM
: 7:07 PM
Oh rain delay please go away.
As much as the Twins can suck at times, I love baseball and I love the Twins, and want it back on. Haha.
As much as the Twins can suck at times, I love baseball and I love the Twins, and want it back on. Haha.
# posted by : 7:27 PM
: 7:27 PM
1. Love that SportsCenter clip...Sweeney's fight was awesome, and you gotta love the headlock at #1.
2. Sliver Wolf, RK? You certainly did go to college in central MN, didn't you. It's like being at SCSU all over again.
2. Sliver Wolf, RK? You certainly did go to college in central MN, didn't you. It's like being at SCSU all over again.
# posted by : 9:08 PM
: 9:08 PM 
I got way into Lost the first and second season. Then I realized they'd be lost for seven more seasons. Now I'm waiting for the last few episodes.
# posted by : 9:59 PM
: 9:59 PM
This season is indeed.. I donno.. long. And by long I don't mean in length of games, although that is long. But long as in is it over yet. Or is it the next game yet. Or can we have a lead yet. Nah. If any of that made sense. Haha.
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# posted by : 10:47 PM
: 10:47 PM << Home
