Tuesday, May 01, 2007


So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Believe it or not, the know-it-alls over at Wikipedia write that the pontoon is the invention of a Minnesotan farmer. In my opinion, Sidney the pontoon's disappearance ought to be the brainchild of a Minnesotan general manager.

Wikipedia also puts forth that pontoon, while larger than a regular boat, are supposedly less likely to cause harm to its passengers. Noting that Wikipedia is far from a dependable source of information, we have clear proof in Sir Sidney that the aforementioned assertion is only half true Just guess which half I'm referring to.

Tonight Sir Dreadful goes up against equally pestilent competition, but since he stunk in his previous two outings against the Royals, my hopes are dampered. Thank goodness everyone in Rochester has a -10.00 ERA.

By the way, if you're all bored, I re-wrote Coleridge to the tune of Jason Kubel and you can check it out at Bat Girl .


The entire tri-partite Jasoncreature is in the line-up and filling out the bottom 3rd of the order. The Jasoncreature is stocky yet svelte and provides quite a stable foundation. Hitters 1-6. if we're ripping off Marx, would be the Twins' superstructure.

Castillo. on that chopper off the plate, did the hitting equivalent of a gyroball. FOUL BALL?!? I guess Castillo is some sort of magician who can make balls mysteriously swerve to the left and into foul territory. TERRIBLE CALL.

And he gets on anyways It's the principle of the matter.

What, are there like 10 people in the stands for this game? Deppppprrresssinnnggg. Honestly, I think the Mighty Mighty Bosstones have more bandmembers thant he D-Rays have fans.

Little Nicky swings a big bat on that double---I guess that in May we stop making piss-ass pitchers look like Sandy Koufax.

I'll take 2 runs, I can tell that Joe Maddon a.k.a. Buddy Holly reincarnated is less than pleased.


Bert just caled Rick Anderson "Randerson". I'm going to use that.

Maybe the umps should confer on that hit batter, maybe a magical gnome deflected the ball away from the batter at the last minute.

Running on Mauer, Mr. Dukes? Sit down. You, Sir, are now known as Elijah Dukes of Hazard for your irresponsible decision-making.

Ponson looks ok, I guess


Mama V called, and not for the wrath of Jebus would I ignore her. Meanwhile, the Twins have put up 4 more runs and things are looking pretty good. I want to say "poor devil rays", but we have Pontoon pitching for crissake.


Delmon "Got a job for my brother?" Young just proved my last comment beyond any shadow of a doube. 6 to 1 game.

Not that CasillAAA was atrocious in the field, but I sure feel like we're in better hands with King of the Castle turning these double plays.

If Navarro weren't a proud graduate of Assbat State, it'd be 6 to 2. As it stands, a long third out.


You know what's awesome about Tampa? No southpaws in the bull-pen. That ought to keep our assbats safely out of sight.

I feel like we haven't put a good swing on hardly any of the hits we've gotten, but through walks and DRay gaffes we've managed to put people in scoring position every inning.


The ghost of Jeff Reboulet has made a home inside Punto's glove, suspiciously pushing out fielded balls before Little Nicky can fire to first.

Ponson throwing a 1-2-3 inning is apparently rarer than a solar ecclipse.

TERRIBLE CALL---Rubick's Kubel totally threw out Baldelli at 3rd. By like 10 kilometers. The 2nd base umpire is apparently sniffing mescaline. The biggest question is, how has Gardy not been thrown out of this game yet? I'm no Sidney apologist, but he's not getting help from the officials.

Hunter, as usual, bails us out.


Ryu comes in to pitch, but Edmund Honda Punto reigns supreme. You guys played Streetfighter, right?

If the blogging is light this evening, it's due to pesky finals. I promise it's not American Idol. But what would you think of me if it were?


Make sure you all are sitting down for this one----another non 1-2-3 inning from Ponson. Maybe the big guy just needs a good fat man role model. Here's my suggestion:

Yeeah. Biggie Smalls.


That's it, Jason Tyner is officially the Wile E. Coyote of baseball and the elusive homerun is the roadrunner. How do you not feel for this guy? I guess he is getting paid a decent amount of money to be a piranta in baseball player's clothing.


Assuming the Twins get through this game, and the pontoon makes a few more starts, and finishes with...let's say, 3 wins. Is that worth the million bucks we're paying him and the unecessary experience our prospects are getting in AAA? Sigh. Maybe they'll bring in Perkins and I can at least close my eyes tight, chant "there's no place like home", and taps my heels and at least pretend that he started.

3 line drives, 2 of them were caught. I don't see this trend holding up forever.

And the rampant DRay assbat-itus outbreak gets us out of the inning once more. Huzzah!


Hopefully Ponson can make himself useful and at least plunk somebody to return the favor after Cuddy McDimples got nailed.

Nice somersault trying to make it to third Cuddy. You get the Nadia Comaneci Award for Pestilence this evening!

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Twins are starting to open this one up. Morneau just slammed a double into the right field gap that bounced around like Luke Perry post-90210 scoring in the 8th run.

These piranta finger puppets they're advertising look pretty menacing, nothing like Punto and Tyner's cherubic countenances.

Cleveland is up 7 to 3 on Toronto; it seems like they are for the moment legit. It is a long season, however, and even if they finally emerge as a contender there's always the lovely wild card.

Come on Kubel, you have to believe that in a blowout like this one the ump is going to call any breaking ball remotely close to home plate. Well anyways, we trudge on.


Stacey: It's my pleasure.

Daniel: Yeah, you really should look into the Brewers. I'm not sure where you live, but if it's in Minnesota you could at least make a weekend trip out of going to a couple of their home games. You might want to be careful of what you wish for because if we drop Ponson Texas will probably pick him up, his career trajector does resemble Chan Ho Park's.

Guerrierrreat!!! into the ballgame. I'll give credit where credit is due, Ponson wasn't horrible, but I imagine that his statistical peripherals that the sabremetric folk look at are awful. Pulling A Blyleven takes a decidedly non-dialectical approach to this sort of thing; we make reckless assumptions and then wait for people who actually know how to do math (I've never stepped foot into a calculus classroom) prove us wrong. It's a symbiotic relationship.

Randerson has had sort of a night off, which I'm sure surprises the hell out of him considering the starter.


6th pitcher for Tampa, heck, maybe my snowbird Grandmother is warming up in the bullpen.

3rd infield hit for Castillo, that must be some sort of record. It's probably a record he set.

Daniel: You are probably aware but the Rangers being no hit by Phi Hughes. Now the hitting isn't even coming through.

Tough inning for Ty Wiggington, not being able to make an out on another infield it. I'll say it again: If the Rays are ever respectable, Ty Wiggington will be remembered as their Marty Cordova.

How about 3 infield hits in one inning--is that a record? With all these high bounces they must be using a baseball made out of gak.

7th pitcher of the game for Tampa. Honestly, I'm going to give my Grandmother a call and tell her to find a baseball mitt.

Glover in to face Morneau with the bases juiced, all the while wishing Mel Gibson would show up and have his back.


The empty seats and echoes I hear in the Tropicana Field background remind me of the good old days when you could get an upper deck ticket at the Metrodome and then sit along the 3rd baseline, since in those days the security folk didn't give a damn.

The dude from Cheers, kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. If he needs work, the Tampa bullpen is always hiring.


Sidney lives to see another day and the Twins keep pace in the central. Happiness.

Cool poem on Batgirl, though I note with some dismay that neither of you have figured out how to spell "piranha" yet.
It's all a part of our charm. We mimic Bert in every way possible.
WV, I love the illustrations you include with the posts. It makes me feel as though I'm at the game, even when I'm not able to watch. Thanks much!
Perhaps I shouldn't hate on Ponson so much. After all, with his 6.75 ERA, he'd be the #1 starter on the Rangers.

NYY 9 - 0 TX, and the top of the fifth isn't over yet! I should really find a better team to root for. I hear the Brewers are a trendy pick this year.
I'm so proud of ponson. he actually looked like a big-league sinkerballer the last 3 innings or so.
Good work: WV on the poem on BG. Quality. Pontoon: way to pitch like someone who get paid a lot to do so. Castillo: welcome back.

Bad form: D-Ray defense: YIKES. Umpiring: Double YIKES. And if either RK or WV were passing up on blogging for the sake of American Idol, you are not my friend anymore. ANYMORE. I may have had that last drink to celebrate the win, but no amount of liquor could make me change my mind on American Idle.
You're probably all going to think I'm crazy, but I'm disappointed that we won't be facing Scott Kazmir during our series with the D-Rays. Maybe that's just because I think he's FRICKING ADORABLE, but don't tell Jason Bartlett I said that (he's my boyfriend). He might get angry and start devouring Devil Rays left and right. Maybe that's not such a bad thing...
I'm totally telling him.
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