Thursday, June 14, 2007


Assbat Overlords


Sorry I'm a little late folks, it's good to see you started without me. I logged in just in time to see Santana strike out Fhqwkads (seriously, is that a terribly obscure reference). So awesome. 1991 Hex!


Oh Cuddy was robbed on that one, robbed I tells ya! The rest of the inning was non-descript. We may see a little 1991 Game 7 redux here tonight.


"We're showing you a lot of Michael Cuddyer." Really, Marny? How much? Don't tease!

Web Gem for pretty much everybody there. Good stop, good throw, good scoop.

Saltalamacchia - you poor thing.

God I love watching El Presidente. Sorry for the sparse commentary, but you can't blame me for sitting in front of my screen with my mouth agape, watching him work his magic.


Now everybody freeze! And by everybody I mean Trade Bait on the basepaths. What can you do? Sometimes your feet are flat. I remember seeing something about Tim Hudson and how he scared some teammate by coming out of the closet in Scream getup, like Phil Leotardo before he capped Vito. Oops, sorry. I've got to stop doing that. I'm so nostalgic.


Since when in the name of... Tubby Smith? Gopher basketball? OK.

Not gonna lie, I root for Marquette. Specifically Dwight Burke and David Cubillan.

Morneau displays why I played the outfield as a youth.

Beware, Stripper (lover) Jones. Johan doesn't like walking people, and takes it personally and he'll take it out on you.


"I agree with you full-heartedly." Good work Bert. Your use of English is impeccable.

Diaz is playing left field to a Kubel-esque degree.

Now that is how the King of the Castle performs a Baltimore Chop.

Not a lot of action here. Let's make our own!


T-1000, insidious! Perhaps, and this is just my best guess, that Tim Hudson is pitching, and he is a good pitcher.

Sit down, Fhkwaqads! Everybody to the limit, the Cheat is to the limit!

Well Diaz is just havin' hisself a day!

Damn, he is filthy. Damn. Damn. What else is there to say? Now go hit Hudson hard!


Aflac trivia question! I bet Chipper Jones is one of them!

I'm envisioning a vignette: Justin Morneau and the ghosts of a future lost.

Wherein our protagonist agonizes over his timing to hit that 900 foot shot fair or foul. Downright Shakespearean.


Oh. Crap.

I like how Santana is able to just keep sittin' em down afterward, but you never like to see that. Hopefully the Twins can tattoo the East River. JoJo is just pitching too well to take a loss here.


Today, I ate lunch. This is a pretty normal occurence. But I ate lunch at a place called Abuelo's, and the... subtitle? was Mexican Food Embassy. Have you heard of this chain? What kind of name for a restaurant is that? Grandpa's home for food asylum?

Wow, the lotto winner scratchoff ticket person winner sounds a little... snookered?

I'm not even talking about the game anymore. But am I missing anything? In the existential sense.


Oh Chipper, I bet you think you're all hot shit right now, because you drew a walk against Santana. Yeah, you're probably gonna tell all your friends about that one time, or at least tell that to someone giving you a lapdance (have y'all seen that "Beyond the Glory"? I'm not making his stripper love up)

OH GOD. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. It's still good, it's still good! Fix him! Make him work! I need you in my life Joe Mauer!

That's not weird, right?

From here on in, forever and the rest of my life, I'm anti-Andruw Jones. If you can't control your shit, stand up in the box a little bit. No excuse for that.

I'm sorry for the langauge, but Andruw Jones could really use a lesson or two in playing baseball.

Yeah, Bert did just sort of metaphorically circle those people, didn't he? I'm just so blinded by anger salad right now.

OK, Santana needs to throw at Andruw. I've decided. That's how he should leave the game. That might also lead to the Cox ejection we've all been hoping for.

That may not happen with the pitch count, but boys and girls can dream, yes?

Double turds! Spaulding! What have I said about language! Sorry, I forgot.


Now go and smite the opposition!


Hey, 2 quick outs! That's weird! Joe, take out your frustrations with these bushleaguers and at least make it close.

Oh, you got something in your eye, Tim? That's GUILT, and SHAME, for your complicity in your centerfielder battering our catcher.

That's right Joe. Lie like a snake in the grass, make 'em think they've got you beat, and you'll rise up and spoil Hudson's win later! I like your style.


KT, hope is audacious. Barack Obama said so. Or at least his ghostwriter did.

Wow, Santana is throwing these pitches to McCann with a vengeance, you can just imagine in his head he's thinking "I can't believe I gave that up! Estupido estupido!" I uh, don't know spanish. I'm just kinda guessing there.

What a feeble wave from Johnson. "Oh, why, yes Mr. Worthingford, I suppose I did swing."

This game is taking place within the parameters of a Victorian novel, by the way.

In my head.

This just in: Bert still doesn't believe in pitch counts. And I don't either.


OH MY LORD. Bert Blyleven must be our long-lost uncle. I swear, Waterworld? How perfectly does that fit with the ethos of this here blog?

The Twins get a break? Yeah, I suppose in the context of tonight, yes.

WV: So you been keeping everyone entertained in my wake? Making this game humorous is like doing stand up at Cotton Mather's house.

RK: Been tryin', but it's rough out here. I feel like Andy Kaufman.

WV: Great, now I have Michael Stipe asking me if I believe they put a man on the moon stuck in my head.

RK: That's all lies, and your paper money is worthless once they went off the gold standard!

WV: Maybe we should all be on the Tim Hudson standard.


WV: I sure feel bad for Santana.

RK: I mean, what more can a guy do, right?

WV: He even tries to sell me Chryslers for Christ's sake.

RK: I know!

WV: Remember Juan Rincon?

RK: The pitcher?

WV: Yeah, not the father. You know, congrats to Juan and Carlos, but could we mention it any more guys?

RK: Well, you know where babies come from... because I'm not sure.

WV: You lie, sir. That rings about as hollow as when Nick Hexum told me to come original.

RK: But you've got to trust your instincts! And let go of regrets! And apparently let fhqwakads hit

WV: It's only a matter of time before Rincon becomes the next J.C. Milton and nets us prospects

RK: I'm surprised Terry Ryan's phone even rings anymore

WV: The baseball gods smiled on that play


WV: Right, we need to channel some Tim Hudson Smackdown mojo from the '02 ALDS right about now.

RK: And make Andruw Jones pay.

RK: Looks like Hudson tweaked his conscience.

WV: With Punto up and Tyner on deck I couldn't be more depressed.

RK: "Driven to center?" DRIVEN?!

WV: More like "Guided to the Centerfielder's Glove"

RK: Hey, Tyner has 0 home runs against the Braves. How d'you like that?

WV: Something must've been seriously wrong with Hudson if he couldn't close out the inning against these two clowns.

RK: Harsh.


WV: Wow, the Twins have managed 2 runs in Johan's last 3 starts. Solid.

RK: The Terminator may have been correct with his conspiracy theory.

WV: This may be true, but I imagine the 2 Cy Youngs will carry some weight regardless.

RK: It reminds me a little of Randy Johnson in 2003, I believe, where he was something like 13-12 with a 2.1 ERA or something

WV: I feel better saying things like Dennys Sampler Plate Reyes with Batgirl not around, now it's like we're not stealing but we're simply keeping good nicknames around.

RK: Yeah, now our thievery is nostalgic, not brazen... wait, did Bert just say that Flock of Seagulls was playing in Florida? Or am I just hearing what I want to hear?

WV: Every time he flubs what he wants to say all I hear is "we've got to do this fucking thing over again"


WV: You feel a comeback or what?

RK: Honestly, no.

WV: Sweet Martha, who hasn't had Tommy John surgery? Liriano shouldn't be concerned, it's about as routine as a filling.

RK: I had mine done in '97

WV: I didn't see, but was Escobar fielding Castillo from the left field bleachers?

WV: You're going to regret not having that ligament in your hip where it belongs.

RK: Joe needs to take his revenge. Or make a productive out.

WV: When Bert called out the choochbag in the bleachers wearing a suit nonsensically waving a U.S. flag, I remembered why we dedicated this site to him. "Take off your coat, you're at a ballgame"

RK: Well... it is flag day. HOLY SHIT!

WV: Castillo decided to stop half way to home to yell instructions at Cuddy, and with our 3rd base coach, I'm happy for it.

RK: Yeah, Luis is like, "Lemme get this one, boss."

WV: I've got faith that we'll tie this up, God wouldn't stand for Johan having a losing record

RK: Hm, apparently Cuddy doesn't believe in the baseball gods.

RK: Well... let's see what Hunter does

WV: Well, I do like Sinn Fein's career numbers against the Wickman

RK: Suicide squeeze!

WV: Bob Wickman's Girth + Gravity = Comedic Relief

RK: ABSOLUTELY. Boy am I happy I'm wrong.

WV: Smell 'Em

WV: Gosh, Ed Hickock is clearly paying attention to what's happening.

RK: Redmond doesn't strike out much right? Right? RIGHT???? Just need a fly here




WV: Do we make the obvious reference to the game 7 of the '91 series?

RK: Everybody else has

WV: Bob Wickman remembers what it's like to play for Cleveland again.

RK: So what can we say? That was amazing. The only unfortunate thing is that Santana doesn't get the win

WV: In any case, Detroit lost, and I think Cleveland was rained out so we pick up some ground.

RK: No, Florida's mounting a threat.

WV: Florida is down to their last strike, so everyone quickly become Alfredo Amezaga fans.

RK: Bonus blogging, from our fingertips to your brains. Sexy a little bit.

WV: Cleveland won, so never mind

I'm starting to believe the Twins lack of offense when Santana pitches is a conspiracy to artificially raise his loss totals. Thereby hopefully decreasing his free agent value and perhaps giving the Twins a better chance to resign him.
Maybe your right but if Santana loses 1-0 just keep it in mind...
*you're excuse me
Bert's getting lazy...I don't think he ever circled those folks in the winners' circle! "You are hereby circled...figuratively of course."
Mauer gets cut by stupid Andruw Jones, then stupid Chipper Jones steals second...I'm waiting for MAUER SMASH!
I started laughing around the part of....
"OH GOD. OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD. It's still good, it's still good! Fix him! Make him work! I need you in my life Joe Mauer!"
*sigh* so close. I dared to hope.
Kenny Chesney!? Cuddy, your dimples and choice of musical artists saddens me. I suppose you get a pass for being from Virginia. Oh, who am I kidding. Your dimples could never sadden me.
Snakes on the field! Dick Bremer had just made watching this game worth it. The movie I am imagining in my head is amusing enough for the whole weekend.
Dear Torii,
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