Sunday, June 24, 2007


The Twins Are 38-0 When Scoring More Runs Than Their Opponents

When the stats speak for themselves, who needs to be intelligent and witty. With that in mind, here are some ideas:

1. Start Johan At DH

Hey, I don't see Little Nicky blasting triples OR hitting .286. This move might be the best kind of change-up Santana could make.

2. Move To The National League

Granted, our owner isn't related to the Commish so pulling a Brewers might not be so simple. But tough to argue with going 16-2 last season and 11-7 this year against the senior circuit. Plus, the NL Central is the new AL Central. And moreover, Scott Baker's ERA could certainly benefit from facing the pitcher every 9 at bats. Maybe I should've checked Kyle Lohse's Reds' stats before writing that.

3. Pull Lew Ford's Quadracep

Apparently, repeated leg exercises and magical Japanese leg wraps not only help your quads but create a power swing as well. Best of all, the month long absence would keep Loooooo's (He'll be back to being called Lewwwww when the boo birds fly south) feeble bat out of the line-up.

4. Pillage The Florda Marlins' Roster

That Luis Castillo trade sure is looking good for us, as Travis Bowyer proceeded to put up a 5.57 ERA last year for the Marlins in AAA and then pulled a Jesse Crain and had rotator cuff surgery. Then there's the Mike Redmond signing. All these signs point to a potential trade of Aaron Boone seeming beneficial for our side, right?

5. Pile Up Lung Contusions and Ejections

Who would've thought that losing the MVP and your #3 hitter would rally the offense into scoring 11 runs one night and 7 the next? Scotty Ulger, I knew all along that there was strategy behind your irresponsible waving of runners home from third.

So there you go, 5 keys to success if you're Terry Ryan. Hey, in a small market, you need all the help you can get, even if it comes from quacks like us.


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