Monday, June 04, 2007


Warding Off the Assbats


So here we are, still out west. 10:05?! I have a bedtime, not unlike Little Nicky Punto. I just caught up on The Sopranos, which was intense. I'm still out of sorts. That was indeed one of the best episodes ever. Evah. I'm attached to the show because I lived in Newark for a couple of years, about half a mile away from Big Pussy's auto shop. It's my claim to fame.

Today we have BOOOOOOF on the mound, and I'm so hoping we get Dick and Bert, but I'm not holding my breath. The benefits for you though, dear readers, with this late start:

1. It's late, I didn't sleep well, and I'm prone to loopiness when I get tired.

2. Late night action.



So uh, anybody else starting to wonder why we haven't seen the return of Grand Avenue Joe?

Liars! It's 10:08 and the game has not yet started! The good news is is the Weaver that doesn't suck is pitching, so that'll hopefully shorten the game. Oh, bite your tongue, RK.

An action team, Mr. Announcerman? How about an ACTION JACKSON team?

Punto is like the kid in Rookie of the Year with the size of his strike zone. Unfortunately, it looks like he has just as much power to center as that little guy.

Eating an orange while blogging was a bad decision.

Weaver has a lot of arms and legs? Is he like Spiderman's Doppelganger?

Damn you, mutant!


Is it really that big of a deal that pitchers haven't been seen before? I mean, I'm sure there's something to be said about stepping in versus a pitcher, but it's not like teams travel blindfolded. Oh, this is just a meaningless gripe. I should be a sports columnist.

It would not be a stretch to guess that Bonser and Herzegovina has his best stuff tonight.

Oh dear. Is it gonna be one of those games?

Oh Vlad Vlad Vlad, maybe you don't watch the tape... You ran on Cuddy? DJ Cuddles? Cuddly McCannonarm? Kaboomlimb? Boy, that one was a stretch.

They call Guerrero "Big Daddy"? Is this some weird Oedipal thing going on here?

Let's hope that Boof finds his stuff next inning.

Oh, a rare time when it didn't cut out during commercials! We can observe the players in their natural habitat, taking the field, looking slightly dazed - yes, we know your name SAYS you play in Los Angeles, but You're really in Disneyland Anaheim. Poor things, I'd be confused too.


Where do they find these guys? When "Morneau's in his happy zone, he doesn't miss." I don't even know what that means.

And Sinn Fein puts a carbomb in Weaver's Volvo and let's everybody know that we're starting this game over, son.

HUNGRY LIKE A RAT? I could get in the booth and whatever drunk is up in the booth could do this and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

That was a close pitch. Put up a mark for the good guys.

Well, LRod gave that ball a ride.

The bats seem to have come a little bit to life. Pray for Mojo.


Wait, there's two down already? How did I miss this? Was I lost in the world? Staring into the void ether? Where is everybody? Why do I feel like a Pink Floyd song?

I feel like I've let you down this inning. But you know who didn't? Boof. Wait, how can I let you down if there's nobody here?



So with all the Bradke comparisons, any takers on the over/under for Radke's return to the team as a pitching coach or some kind of coach or another? His regiment would be easy:

1. Throw strikes
2. Win

I just want to see that perfectly coiffed hair of his.

The king of the Castle just knuckled one the other way, just like Pierzynski used to do - STOP! He means nothing to me anymore!

The Emveepee doesn't look great at the plate so far tonight, but he always finds a way to redeem himself.

Just like that. That's what you need to do. Power and average from the good doctor.

And sometimes, sometimes you just hit it really hard to where they are. But I like the way we're swinging the bats so far, and my opinion is probably pretty vitally important.


Punto with the nice recovery to get the out!

Yeah kt, we're pretty much pretty awesome. We dig the Red Green show, Monty Pyton's Flying Circus, and uh... Twin Peaks.

But uh, yeah, more outs.

I do hereby swear, that I will never, ever, ever get sick of people talking about the Pierzynski trade. It makes me smile like a Cheshire Cat.

And perhaps some duct tape could hold a little team hitting streak together, capped off by hopefully a home run by Pork Chop (Kubel).


Bay Area Ryan: much like Patrick Swayze in Ghost, in retirement, Brad Radke's influence is even stronger. Except it's not really like that movie at all.

But speaking of, I recently went to that lake area place where Dirty Dancing was filmed. Mostly unimpressive, and the ghost of Jerry Orbach was not sitting starting stoically into the distance.

Hey, I didn't know Kubel was a Dakotan, albeit of the Southern variety. As a native Fargoan, I'm fiercely defensive about the Northern Dakota.

Bay Area Ryan: It's about doing. What it takes. To win.

Sigh, not great looking on the bases there. I guess I understand challenging The Most Puzzling Free Agent Signing Of Last Off-Season's arm, but uh. Yeah. Turn the lineup over?


"The sky is turning the same color as the baseball" ... WHAT? When does the sky turn white? When the 4th angel blows 7 trumpets?

Uh... hockey? That's still goin' on? I know, that makes me a Philistine.

I'm not one to usually have my heart warmed, but watching Guerrero and Hunter kid each other after Torii pretended like he didn't have it. That's why I watch the game.

Cuddy should email Vlad and say the following:

Mr. Guerrero,

Really? Really?!


Kendrick can't hit! Throw the damn ball!

"You gotta wonder why he wouldn't go after him" I wonder, I wah-wah-wah-wah wonder


Uneventful inning and I was distracted, so please enjoy this video about pugs and donuts:


On that pop-up, Joe Buck would say something like, "If we were in a silo, that'd be a home run." Good thing we're not in a silo. Good thing we're far far away from Joe Buck.

We're making short work here, which is good, so long as the Twins win of course, but it'd be nice to be done by 1 so I can catch the rebroadcast of the excellent show The Riches

Damn, damn, damn. We can has offense?

Good friend of PAB, TL, has suggested that because the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have the most ridiculous name ever, we should call them "Los Triple A." Let it be done!

All these close plays - I'm gonna have heart palpitations. Redmond probably should have held onto that, but hopefully the Twins can scratch a couple more across the plate.

The Pork Chop. So selfless. No offense to any Portuguese readers. If there are any. I'm talking about the other white meat.


The college game: Less bling, more ping. Make 'em swing with a stick, I say! Harrumph!

Cuddy was safe! Tie goes to the runner! Boo! and I'm not saying "boo-urns!"

Morneau is not looking good again.

Friend of PAB TL is on a roll tonight, and wants rabid Twins fans to be called "Twinsiders." And Twinsider trading would be sending Boof to the Red Sox "without tellin' nobody." Y'know what the best thing about Virginia is? The people.

Jered Weaver is definitely not pitching like Jeff Weaver tonight.


Yeah, Cuddy may have well been safe had he not Punto'd himself into first.

See, I should have been eating the orange *now*, when I'm getting tired and the team is going to bed.

Now, RB, we never root for injuries (ONLY IN SECRET)

Yeah. Pull Bonser.

This just in: blogging while eating a popsicle is also a bad idea. You have to leave it in your mouth to type but then the coldness hurts and you have to grab it. God my life is difficult.

But RB, on the basepaths, Cuddy is being Cuddy.

Watching Raymoan pitch might be more painful than eating popsicles whilst blogging.


7-1. Mein Gott

RB, you and I both.

Sigh, so much for that quick game so I could get to see Eddie Izzard.

Anybody want to talk about anything else? Anything?


2 quick outs. Let's just get this thing over with. We'll be back at .500 after tonight. Awesome.

And the assbats, they have not been warded off.


Stacey, in re: ice cream. I finally tried Ben and Jerry's ice cream for the first time in my life. Too sweet! Dublin Mudslide. I could only handle 2 scoops and I was done. Perhaps I don't have much of a sweet tooth, or perhaps I'm just a bit of a purist. Give me neapolitan!

RB: Close, but still 8-1. I'm sipping a glass of port, becuase that seemed like the snobby thing to do. I may yell "bastard!" and throw it into the fire in the fireplace I don't have. I should have planned that out better.


Stacey, there's always time. Never give up!

And my MLB Mosaic crapped out on me. But for some reason, I really don't mind that so much right now.

A growler of beer? Sounds menacing. I can't help but love Blue Moon myself.


Grand slam? That's it, I've got nothing left in the tank tonight.

On strike.

Boof had a stretch of 19 straight strikes. Wow.
Notice that MLBTV has gone away from Dick's and back to the Pong commercial break.
Not sure why the attempt to stretch that into a double on Matthews who's got what experts call "an arm."
I'm just gonna use my damn "Google/Blogger" account from now in. I just used the bay area ryan monicker in case there was a huge influx of ryans who decided to post.
I still maintain that the Yankees guy on the Dick's commerical draws his line out so that we can read between the lines, "it's about buying championships."
Rule #1:

1. Don't run on Cuddyer.

I think the Yankees "got wind" of that Dick's ad and saw it was presenting them in a bad light (as if there could ever be a good light).
We knocked the crap outta the ball in that inning.
Cuddy's arm is killer.
Poor Vlad, only not really. Haha.
Is it just me or does it seem like out of the 60 pitches or so Boof has thrown, 59 have been strikes?
so, is anyone here a college baseball fan? the tournament is off to a crazy start, worth taking a look at if you can stand to peel yourselves away from the excitement of a 1-1 game.
Only 1 K for Boooof, though
I'm a college baseball fan.

Not a Rex Hudler fan.
I think Boof needs to stop throwing strikes, because he's getting ripped. Redmond needs to hang on to that. He was dead to rights.
any team in particular, rb?
Aside from the Gophers? No. Gotta cheer for the alma mater. I still watch whenever I can when it's on TV (which is a lot out here; usually PAC 10).

Swingin' at absolute crap. This is gonna be one of those road trips we will wish we didn't take.
Gophs had a good season, and I'm particularly excited that they helped San Diego go 2-and-out in their own regional.
Keep up the good work, guys. Anaheim just won Game 4 and it was a very nervewracking game and I'm too tired to wait for the Twins' rally. I do love how the announcers love their Ducks too! (And for the record, the Ducks are the hottest hockey team :-) ) Ok. GO DUCKS! GO TWINS! GO PAB!
41-18 is good, although down the stretch they weren't so good. Sadly I don't think we'll see them advance to Omaha in my life time. It's basically the same 8 teams with a few minor changes here and there.

3 runs on Friday, 0 on Saturday, 2 yesterday, 1 tonight. Amazing.
I'm watching the game on mute, but did they by any chance mention during Cuddyer's head first slide that maybe he would have made it if he just ran through the base (like announcers always seem to do)? Because I think they may have been right on that one.
Yep, they mentioned it. In a case like this the runner could also be worrying about the pitcher trying to get him with the glove (hence the slide). Personally I think Cuddy should've just ran into Weaver and knocked him out for the year. Him and his "California locks." Cuddy vs Weaver = a bit of a mismatch.
Get Bonser out. 4 runs 10 hits in 5 1/3 is a terrible line. Make that 11 hits.
When I'm right I'm right. It's basically tee ball vs Bonser.

Belt high.
yeah, good points about the slide. And, in terms of Minnesota baseball, at least you can always fall back on the Dave Winfield years. That '73 CWS team was magic.
Ah yes, 1973, when I was -1 years old :)
Someone on this team needs to go up there and mash with a huge wad of big league chew in the mouth. Maybe Cuddy should do that, wear some huge wrist bands, grow some dreads..

Then we can all say, "That's just Cuddy being Cuddy."
yeah, I wasn't even close to being born in '73, but I've seen all the highlights.

unrelated, but what do these umps have against us? did they guys forget to put on deodorant, and thus offended the home plate ump with their smell? and then he told all his little ump buddies not to give the Twins any close calls?
I've completely lost interest in this game.
Perhaps it's time for the Ramon Ortiz experiment to end.
um, we can talk about ice cream. I just scooped myself a bowl of strawberry cookies and cream, very yummy. I'd have to say my favorite is mint chip, though. lame, I know, but I've got nothing.
I just poured myself a beer. Seemed like "the thing to do." What's the score now, 26-1?
damn, now I'm mad I didn't decide to drink, too. but I suppose there's still time.
Yeah, there's always time to drink. I'm enjoying a red beer from Rock Bottom. One of those take home jugs. I suppose when it's empty I can convert it to a musical instrument and make something of this night.
did they call it a "Growler"? I worked at a brewery/restaurant and that's what our jugs of beer were called.
I think so. In my world it's called a "jug." When did that word leave our lexicon? I know it's not as sexy, but come on.
I'm not so sure "growler" is sexier than "jug," but yeah. I talked myself into drinking a nice little wheat beer, and none too soon. Damnit, Gary Matthews Jr.!
Well, you're cool in my book for not thinking growler is sexier than jug.

I'm almost done with this pint and about to go in for another.
I think I'm going on strike, too. I'm switching to the A's game to watch "some horrible pitcher" aka Danny Haren (to quote my friend, who is a Red Sox fan and thus delusional), who happens to have had a pretty good outing. I think my beer will taste better if I know the Red Sox are losing.
I don't like the Red Sox, but I am a Manny fan.

Danny Haren is going with the lumberjack look of late. I've got the A's game on in HD right now.
Mark Ellis needs a single for the cycle. He's definitely hot at the plate since the birth of his kid.
wow, Haren must look even more ridiculous in HD. and damn, Ellis should have gotten that one through the infield if he wanted his cycle.
I think I would've given him the single on that one.

A's pitchers are starting to look like they should be in "Dazed And Confused." You've got Haren with crap all over his face. Then you've got Gaudin with that big pile of crap under his chin.
I'm still convinced that the A's are making up for Barry Zito's trade by hippifying themselves.

Ellis would totally have had a single if the bases were empty, I feel a little bad for him. But not too bad because being a single shy of the cycle is a lot better in a close game than being a homer shy.
Ellis is streaky. In a week he'll be back to complete junk at the plate. I'm thinking of going to one of these A's-Sox games. At least I won't be booed as I was over the weekend with the Cuddy Gear on.
Nearly forgot - JC Romero plays for the Red Sox.
I didn't want to say this during our series with the A's, but I really love Dan Johnson. He went to college where I'm doing my grad work (which also happens to be in my home town) so I got to see him play there. He's everything a 1st baseman should be and I'm really glad he's succeeding in the majors. Let's see what he can do in this big situation against J.C.
Chavez back to looking pathetic at the plate...

Chavez = 5 grand slams
Crosby = 0 grand slams
Ramirez = 20 grand slams
WOW.. bases loaded nobody out.. no runs.. reminds me of a certain team based in Minneapolis of late.
are you kidding me? the A's better not go on to lose this one, that is ridiculous!
Stacey: So you're a Husker, eh? :)
Embree has some gas. It's funny to see how the Giants have just obliterated their pen.. no more Nathan.. no more Embree.. and an overpriced Zito.
yeah, I'm a Husker, born and raised.

and is it just me, or could the A's use a healthy Huston Street right about now?
The A's could use a healthy Huston...

Go Big Red :)

Isn't it about time for a runza?
That was stupid. The third base coach should have seen the play off the wall and never have sent him. Hmm, let's see.. you make a lefty or a rookie face Manny being Manny up there..
love that tag applied to the head, kinda unnecessary. but, I suppose that's why you lower your shoulder when you're coming home.

you know, I never really liked Runzas, and now that I'm a vegetarian I haven't had one for years. But, Runza has the best fries ever, and their onion rings are to die for. You're familiar with Nebraska then?
Yeah, I know a few things about Nebraska. I'm from Minnesota, live in California, but somewhere in there became a Nebraska football fan.. probably around the time they beat the Gophers 83-17 in 1983.
well, there it is. good thing they went to extras. now just win the damn game so I can go to bed.
Jack Cust reminds me of a young John Kruk.
Gotta love west coast time :) And weather :) I cannot stand the A's broadcast team, though. Ray Fosse is a complete douche bag.
You need to visit my blog, Stacey. I need another reader. I have about 6 of them (all friends).
nice. that's before my time (ok, not really, I was born during the '83 football season) and I never really got into the football team. I love my Husker baseball, though. Except for this year.
You're from Nebraska and you are:

A. A vegetarian
B. Not a fan of Husker football

Odd. Very, very odd. I'll drink to that.

War Eric Crouch
En Vogue playing in the background. Another odd event in this odd evening.
ok, so I should have said I'm not a football fan in general. I have to like the Huskers, it's law. And, I became a vegetarian while at college in Minnesota, so it's a bit less odd. I'll check your blog out, always need some other way to waste time that should be spent writing my thesis.
ok, it's been a really long day, so I'm going to have to catch the end of the game on SportsCenter tomorrow.
Nice. My #1 team is the Golden Gopher hockey team.

I should write a thesis on finishing a growler.
Goodnight and all that. Hopefully Manny will just put this one "to rest."
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