Friday, July 06, 2007


I'll Take A Double Dipped Comiskey Dilly Bar, Please


After seeing if a pig was flying through the sky and seeing none, I'm not totally convinced that Luis Castillo's extra base hit wasn't a figment of my imagination.

Juan Uribe, forgetting that you need to have the ball in your glove to tag someone out, decides instead to fling it directly at Castillo. Safe at 3rd.

MAUER PAUER! That's a good way to get that batting average above .300. Apparently the magical run support voodoo doll Kevin Slowey was using has been left with Rocket Bats.

Torii'd love to stay in Minnesota but being totally fucking clutch and driving in another run makes it so much easier to cash in elsewhere. Free Agent To Be Meter: 5 Years, 80 Mil.

Jason Kubel is a man who gets things done, and all of these 1st inning runs has me a little nervous. It's a loooong 18 innings boys, a marathon not 50-yard dash.

Jason Tyner is NOT a man who gets things done. No, he's a boy who weakly grounds out.


Scott Baker, you never cease to amaze. Down 3-0, fights back for a strike out. Go ahead, pitch another gem, then we won't have to update our "Praise 'Em".

And a 1-2-3 inning, naturally. I think every Twins fan can appreciate watching Scott Baker strike Jim Thome out. If you didn't, you're probably knitting because you're not familiar with the game of baseball.


Nick Punto: You're not a home run hitter. Someone needs to stand behind you while you bat and whisper "NO!" everytime you try to lift a ball to the outfield.

What's Gilbert Gotfried up to these days? I bet he'd scream a mean "NO!" in LNP's ear.

After a beautiful piece of hitting from Barlett, it looks like Castillo pulled up lame...even by his standards...rounding third. But, he's staying in the game, so let the good times roll.

The Pear King continues his great play, breaking up a potential double play by taking out Juan Uribe's legs at 2nd. This is the kind of sound baseball that would bring a tear to Abner Doubleday's eyes.


OK Rocket Bats--I don't know where you've been hiding, but I want you to slowly retreat and bring back Scott Baker. The one who strikes people out, alright?

2 strike outs. There, ask and you shall receive.


Well I'll be, the Bitch Sox's announcers have figured out how to pitch to Dr. Neau whle the rest of the league hasn't caught on to their secret yet. Good thing they didn't, hitting .320 with a gazillion moon shots last season would've been a bit more difficult the, huh?

Hey Hawk--HE GONE! As in, gone from the field of play. Torii's free agent to be meter: 5 Years, 90 Mil.

Godammit Punto, where is Gilbert Gotfried because I've had enough.

And you can put it on the board--Twins up by 3.


I really, really want to comment on the "Limited Edition Sox Wives Tank Top" but apparently the proceeds going to cancer. Irregular cellular're on my list.

Hey Kubel, how does it feel to see Torii Hunter field your position better than you do? Torii--that catch was a thing of beauty. Free Agent To Be Meter: 5 Years, 95 Million.

You wussy baby Thome, I could get hit by a pitch wearing that much elbow armor too. Final verdict: Better than a homerun, instils fear of God.

Kubel, Torii can't field everything for you. Gotta play the deflection off the wall better, luckily Jim Thome is slower than the IPhone's internet connection.

Jermaine Dye--you get detention for not reading your scouting report and trying to run on Cuddy's arm. Not even close.


This is how things are supposed to work: Castillo and the Pear King get on base, Grand Avenue Joe and the other sluggers drive them in. A simple game.

How things are not supposed to work (for the Bitch Sox): Deflecting a potential double play and then throwing it into right field. I'll send Jon Garland a thank you card for all these gifts.

Hawk's one attempt at insightful commentary: "Yeeeah, this has all been Nintendo...all day....ever since...May 7th."


His next attempt at insightful commentary: "Some days you just gotta outslug the other team".

Isn't that your objective, and usually your requirement, every game? Unless you start 9 Jason Tyners.

JASON KUBEL: WHAMMY! WHAMMY! Party at home plate, Dr. Neau, Mauer and Torii are all invited.

Hawk's next insightful commentary: "Well maybe we won't win this game."

First sensible thing he's said all day.

I can think of many, many reasons why Ozzie Guillen will be fired, and not taking Jon Garland out sooner can now be counted as another.



As Elvis once sang, "when it rains it really pours". Twins up 14 to 4.

Could we use a few of these runs for the Garza Strip's start tonight?

According to Hawk Harrelson, Morneau's shot to right field was a "Perfect double play ball". Right...someone put on the White Stripes' "The Denial Twist".


RK: I don't want to take undue credit, Baker's been a passable pitcher since I essentially cut him off

WV: This is a preview of my parenting style.

RK: God help us all

RK: I need to learn to bite my tongue

WV: Apparently Juan Uribe didn't get the memo that the team was self-destructing.

WV: Oh for fuck's sake.

RK: Let's everybody score a hundred runs today, k?

WV: Well, Ramon Ortiz is warming up, so expect more.

RK: Is it wrong that I'm happy Roddick lost today?

WV: Not at all.

RK: A 130 mph serve only gets you so far

WV: I thought you were going to go with "Being American" but agreed.

RK: I'm also surprised that Neifi Perez tested positive. Not because of a positive test, but that somebody thought to test Neifi Perez

WV: If Neifi Perez weren't juicing he'd be no better at hitting a slider than me.

RK: I'd say that's saying something... but it's not

WV: Dazzle keeps going on and on about how Randerson has no friends in the dugout...I mean, come on. Scott Baker's the one with no friends. Anywhere. Ever.

RK: He just looks so young; maybe his 8th grade science class misses him


RK: Owens wasn't playing deep for Tyner? Huh.

WV: Ha, yeah imagine that.

WV: Nick Punto gets a base hit? Huh.

RK: Someone should win a prize for this

WV: I guess he's due about 20% of the time right

RK: That's like knocking all the milk bottles over at the fair

WV: For the amount of commentary on Ron D.L.'s recovery, you'd think his leg was severed by a combine or something.

RK: Wow, I don't know what this says about him, but I had to think for a minute about who you were talking about


WV: Isn't it awesome we're paying this guy 3 million

RK: Well, that's, uh, for god's sake

WV: Christ, we might as well have left Rocket Bats in.

RK: This is starting to remind me of a short story by T.C. Boyle, about a baseball game that never ends

WV: It's like Rottblatt at Carleton, the softball game they play every spring with an inning for each year the school's been in existence. Usually people have passed out by about inning 50.

RK: "You saw Mauer snatch it back up, so it was low." This is faulty logic, announcerman. Should have have not caught the ball? Should he have protested the call and said, "No, Mr. Umpire, that was a ball?"

WV: I used to think that my existential hell would be tubing on the New River (horrible; TRUST ME). I'm beginning to think this game might be it though


WV: Jesus, Barlett's a good hitter all of the sudden.

RK: The Pear King is fleet afoot

RK: "Lord of mercy" Hahaha, that's something I envision drunk people saying

WV: Haha. Yeah, how about Scott Stahoviak out there in right field.

RK: This ain't beer league, son!

WV: You think Sinn Fein has more powder in that pipe bomb we refer to as a "bat"?

RK: Has a manager ever been fired between games of a double header?

WV: If it has, it was Alan Trammel

RK: Turns out if was actually Ken Boyer in 1980

WV: Remember when these match-ups with the Bitch Sox meant something?

RK: I almost want to stop using Bitch Sox, and maybe refer to them as the limp, flaccid sox

WV: Count it!

WV: I'd say they were rubbing it in, with Morneau tagging up, but Ramon Ortiz is pitching, so

RK: He's a junkball pitcher's junkball pitcher

WV: Masset Hound looks like he's going for Tyner's head

RK: It'd be funny if his first dinger came in a meaningless situation such as this

WV: It'd be something straight out of Breton

RK: It's too bad this is a double-header though. Usually the momentum doesn't carry over, but a boy can hope


RK and WV are finishing up work and storing up energy for the next game, but what we can say is:

RK: Nick Punto walking in a run? This is his kind of game.

RK: Jason Tyner..ugh.

WV: With Punto's RBI, the Vikings go up 18 to 8 over the Bears.

RK: Hey, someone let Rodriguez out of the dugout!

WV: I'd swear we have a pitcher in named Carmen Candi

RK: maybe Camden Carmel

WV: Just called up in fact.

RK: Well I wish Carmel Apples all the best

WV: Yeah this post is now at 1,640 words, so....Tolstoy here we come.

RK: I feel like by the end of the day, we can crash Blogspot's servers and get something longer than Ulysses


WV: I've never been so disappointed in the Twins for scoring this many runs.

RK: Anyone else miss football?

WV: Nah, not even the putrid Vikings offense could put up 20.

Just a friendly update: Gord-O continues to pronounce the name of the Sox's LF Mackowiak with an H to make it rhyme with "Stahoviak".
Kubel repaying Torii there.

"Thanks for making 'em walk you. I'll just go BOOM!"
I think #30's figured out the perfect way to save the bullpen. Every now and then, Rocket Bats comes in for Scott Baker, and vice versa. Of course, this plan only works when the offense scores a couple touchdowns, but whatever.
I kind of love you for the White Stripes reference.
LNP has 2 hits... this confuses me. I knew the Bitch Sox were bad, but yet... LNP has 2 hits.
So if this game is 20-10, and the 'minor league' pitchers pitch the next games...what's the over/under for total runs today? 50? I'd take the under only because everyone will be too tired to run the bases for the next game. Except Jason Tyner.
The story of the never-ending ballgame was by W.P. Kinsella. Maybe T.C. Boyle wrote one, too, but if so it was "derivative" -- a euphemism for copyright infringement.

Kubel said after the game that it was "fun." Hitting a grand-slam, fun; playing an absurd embarassing game -- fun, too, if you're Kubel.
That game made me nervous. I almost thought we were gonna lose it a few times...okay, many times. But BARTLETT WAS AMAZING! Not to pick favorites or anything. Oh, wait. Yes, actually, I do mean to pick favorites. At least we won, though.
Best. Two. Games. Ever.
pear god!
I'm slow but..bartlett pears.
I so got that one.
*slams head against desk*
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