Wednesday, April 09, 2008


Cherry Blossom Girl


People, as you may or may not know, I'm about 3 weeks away from being a MASTER OF ARTS at Virginia Tech, and to keep my sanity in the quaint little town of Blacksburg, I often escape to the District of Coloumbia (sorry Mark Penn!)

I'll probably have missed the cherry blossoms by that point, but two things:

1. Did you know that the only city with a higher concentration of cherry blossoms than DC is Newark NJ of all places? I used to live there too. I'll probably move to Japan soon.

2. I'm going to a Nats game. Because really, it's been too long since I've seen Cristian Guzman. Having friends who work in high-powered high-stress DC lobby/law/politics firms have access to good tickets. I can't say no.

So I'm not gonna be around really this weekend. Prepare yourselves for that eventuality now.

I was going to be all web 2.0 and post a youtube video of the excellent Air song "Cherry Blossom Girl," which is nice to listen to if you're painting or washing the dishes or making guacamole. The video is far too depressing, however, for the overall ethos of this here blog.

Oh look, WV is here! *whew*

WV: Rocket Bats tonight right

RK: We have the Peter Pan/Legolas love child versus John "Unfortunate name" Danks

WV: Nice thing about our supposedly solid division is that 3 and 5 only puts you 2 .5 out of first...behind the Royals.

RK: Small sample, early in the season, blah blah blah

WV: Don't you throw out statistical analysis at me. I'm only interested in the humanity of these players.

RK: There's no more heart anywhere in the Major Leagues now that D-Mohr is out

WV: Right. With the Lew Ford Experiment in Japan, there's been a jump in the heart factor across the pond.

RK: Also +160 magic in WoW

WV: Lew's been done a ginormous favor by being released from his contract in Minnesota.

RK: They eat that stuff up over there


1. Will Speedy Go[m]ez have a hit that is not a bunt/infield single?
2. Rocket Bats?
3. More than 7 hits in this game?

RK: I could so work at FSN

WV: You even have a mediocre blog to boot. Way to Telly how it is!


WV: Well, the answer to your first question is quickly becoming apparent.

RK: I missed Gomezeszes AB. What did he do?

WV: I wasn't paying attention

RK: But he certainly got himself the hell out!

WV: i guess it's irrelevant

RK: In the land of make-believe, there are runners on the corners with zero outs and a weird Oedipal vibe with Prince Tuesday and his parents

WV: Hahahaha

RK: It's 1-0 IN MY HEAD

WV: The Oedipal vibe never crossed my mind. Then again, if I were familiar with Freud as a 6 year old, that would be strange.

RK: Feels a little strange now

WV: Wouldn't it be neat if Dlmon hit a grd slm??

RK: Nothing would beat that Delmon's Dijonnaise

WV: If Denks walks Dlmon, Comiskey will resemble a group of Tibetans at a Olympic torch relay.

RK: What do they call the ball park now? US Cellular Field? I would still like to see Monroe do something with a bat, but up 2 isn't so bad

BOTTOM 1ST, GOOD GUYS 2 BAD GUYS 0 <-- obviously

WV: After striking out, Swisher felt an emptiness that would only be filled with pot, henceforth making him Nick Blunt.

RK: The best part about Cabrera with the Bitch Sox? The announcers don't call him the O.C. anymore. Is his chin hair blea---- TORII HUNTER WHAT?

WV: Oh my

RK: The best part about Cabrera with the Bitch Sox? The announcers don't call him the O.C. anymore. Nibbish, my thoughts exactly.

WV: #1 Web Gem! My soon to be opened baseball-themed Chinese restaurant


WV: When the Twins signed Everett and Lamb, we neglected to cover it not because we were lazy but simply because there was nothing remarkable to report. Can I get an amen?

RK: Amen. How does raisin nut bran make their raisins covered with nuts and stay chewy and soft?

WV: With lots of love and care. A healthy dose of HUMANITY

RK: A computer doesn't spit them out?


RK: These announcers are terrible like whoa... Scott retires the side and retreats back to Rivendell for a quick snack of lemnas holy crap I'm a dork


WV: If our reader's haven't abandoned us by now, they must find you endearing.

RK: We can only do so much with this on-air "talent"

WV: Right, meanwhile I'm saddled with Gordo and Dazzle in a competition for best face for radio.

RK: You people in Minnesota don't know how good you have it with Dick and Bert

WV: This Harris guy might be alright. The Twins path to success will never be free agents but screwing over unsuspecting GMs. Matt Garza, meanwhile, is on the DL with a "hurt nerve" in his pitching arm.

RK: Hurt nerve? Really?

WV: Right. Also known as, "excuse for why I've given up 8ER in 8IP" And in case you're wondering, Barlett is in a competition with Everett for who can hit closer to .000

RK: But I do miss the Pear King. Kid swung from his heels. "They're just... opposite field... killing." What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

WV: It's like Bert's stream of consciousness only not funny.

RK: These guys sound like a well-rested Ned Flanders

WV: Aaaaand, Denks turned into Sandy Koufax.

RK: And question number 2 is answered. 7 hits

WV: ... Or not. You should ask more questions.

RK: When will I get with two hot ladies at once?

WV: And I thought playing Kubel against lefties was a no no.

RK: The Rubik's Kubel has become self-aware and solved himself

WV: Monroe is such a threat at the plate that they're leaving this train wreck in the game.

RK: A grand slam would generate some good will

WV: But the Monroe Doctrine was all about creating bad will with European nations.

RK: And in this case, the White Sox faithful

WV: Well, bringing this back to your research, this is some kind of parallax.

RK: Oh what isn't

WV: Touché--you've figured out the secret to grad school success. Black box theories, my friend.

RK: Mike is on the lam[b]! Huh, I don't feel good about that one

WV: I've been trying to fit that one in all season

RK: Question 1 has been resolved

WV: What's left?

RK: Scott Baker? So far, so good there

WV: And O.C. almost threw it into The Hills


RK: The home run call from these guys is so ingratiating, it's no wonder nobody likes the Sox in Chicago. These home runs "have really counted?" A home run counts the same regardless of when it's hit, right?

WV: The worst part is that they gave them contract extensions last summer.

RK: The final question is still tentatively on the right track.


WV is on a burrito run, which I totally understand. Juan Uribe - what's he doing there again?

This must all be part of the teams every other inning is a big inning plan

At least nobody's missing anything


It must be nice to work with run support, right Rocket Bats? All of sudden, those gopherballs don't look so bad


WV: Miss anything good?

RK: Baker getting a little lazy, but nah

WV: Solid

RK: I refuse to use the announcer's name that rhymes with "balk" but it's giving me a headache

WV: It's like avoiding the sun while walking outside at noon

RK: Remember how if you block out certain parts of the o in "Sox" it comes out Sax, Sex, or Sux? 7th grade ruled


RK: I don't like Rocket Bats giving all this lead back

WV: This is like Speed 2: Cruise Control. Just when you think everything's OK...

RK: Jason Patric!

WV: Good thing Sandra Bullock attends the Sheryl Crow School of Public Eye Disappearance

RK: Ha!

WV: I don't have video, but I bet everything that Gardy is doing his "Sulking in the corner of the dugout pretending to put out cigarette butts" routine. Nibbish, he's looking at about a run an inning... sorta consistent, right?

RK: Cabrera is wearing a kerchief, next at-bat, he'll be sporting a dickey

WV: Lamb was confused that a ball was hit on the ground and not into the right field seats

RK: Mike Lamb: In Russia, ball grounds you!

WV: Baker's performance tonight is akin to repeatedly tripping on one's own shadow. In other words, it's a Derridean metaphor for autobiogrpahy

RK: I need to read more of his stuff

TOP 6TH, 7 to 3

RK:"Duck fart double" - there's hope yet

WV: Hahahahha. No way

RK: B'lieve it.What does that even mean? Like, the hit doesn't have an echo

WV: We'll have to get Bert Blyleven, Public Safey P.I. on the case.

RK: I miss him when he's gone

WV: One of the few positives of this season is that they've kept those ads, and I guess Gardy and Carol's hardware store spot too. Little known fact: she refers to him as Gardy. Ruff!

RK: Sometimes... The Gimp. Who hates Kubel? Not I, Caesar

WV: The object is in itself and aligned with absolute Spirit

RK: Synthesis reached

WV: Indeed, if it were not for Jason Kubel and now Mike Lamb, the subject-object problematic of Kantian metaphysics would still be a condition of Being.


WV: Would that be a "moose fart" double then. The Brian Bass major league baseball trial is nearly up.

RK: I'd rather see Eyre'n Go Bragh!

WV: Well, at this rate, one run an inning, we'll still win

TOP 7TH, 12-4

WV: So the Tigers are one out away from a win. Big whup, wanna fight about it?

RK: What one win? We've got a few of those

WV: We'll soon have FOUR times as many

RK: We may match our offensive output for the season thusfar in this one game


RK: Billy Bass: Workmanlike

WV: Players who have a noun in their name make finding a moniker especially difficult on the side of creativity.


RK: I always kinda feel bad for saying this, but these blowouts get to a point where I just want the game to be over quickly


WV: Well at the rate the umps are calling strikes we should be out of here in about 10 minutes

RK: Definitely an 8-run lead strike zone. I used to have that when I umped high school

WV: Except you kept it regardless of the score right?

RK: Oh yeah, I just wanted my hundred bucks

WV: Brian Bass is now Nabbin' Sars

RK: Let me put on my medical mask


RK: I have to give proper respect; Hawk thinks Bert oughta be in the Hall, and he's absolutely right

WV: Hawk seems to have been consistent on that front. A broken clock is right twice a day I suppose.

RK: We might be seeing more of Nick Punto in the very near future

WV: For better or worse

RK: Punto is in, and there is still no tilde over the n in piranhas. I can sorta hear some hecklers ribbing Speedy Go[m]ez

WV: In these kind of games you have to search the entertainment out yourself.

RK: Ah, the halcyon days of Latroy


That was nice


See, if the Twins just answer my questions, like hitting the ball and pitching well, they win games. Now I'm no John Madden, but it's good to know that if grad school doesn't work out, I'm so going to work for FSN North. They'd be lucky to have me.

I'm off to watch this hellacious looking Cubbies/Bucs game. What a grinder!

Torii who??

On a side note, I have a good feeling about Baker tonight.
...and by "good feeling" i mean that i think Baker will have a wildly inconsistant evening.
Seeing a couple of those called 3rd strikes, I think the ump agrees with you.
Of course we find you endearing, RK. Oh, and thank you for giving the Pear King some respect. Haha. The "Five Dollar Footlong" sign has now become a sign with my high school's softball team.
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