Sunday, April 20, 2008


Elrond Returns to Rivendell; Frodo Responds With 75 MPH Heater


RK: 2 special weekend blogs? See how good we are to these people?

WV: And don't let them ever forget it! I won't mention that our special weekend sessions are more of a comment on our respective social lives than on loyalty to the reader base.

RK: My liver hurts

WV: Well would you keep that to yourself, see I don't want to be a bad role model for fresh-faced Rocket Bats.

RK: I'm sure he'll be fine. I bet he brought a canteen of the waters of Rivendell


RK: Jim Rich? Who the hell is that? I can only handle 3 people per sports broadcast

RK: That's why I can't watch Barry Melrose on Sports Center...well, one of many reasons

WV: Jim Rich sounds like a pseudonym.

RK: Yeah, like a major character in the Westing Game

WV: So Adam Everett is on the DL, with strict doctor's orders not to hit or swing for a week. So pretty much he doesn't need to change a thing, right?

RK: He and I are on the same training regiment

WV: I don't know man, you probably work your triceps harder at Wii Sports than Everett does at short.

RK: I'll cut the guy a break, but I sure do like seeing Punto

WV: I can never get enough of Punto.

RK: Except last year at the plate. But he didn't take too long up there

RK: Travis Hafner is from North Dakota did you know Travis Hafner is from North Dakota? because Travis Hafner is from North Dakota


RK: Oh I didn't even want to see the actual play, I just wanted to see that pitch to Go[m]ez over and over again

WV: It's the irony of weak armed Paul Byrd throwing at somebody's head.

RK: He is all over the place. Even I'm flinching when the ball crosses the plate

WV: Why can't Gomez take a hint from Harris. INFIELD DRIBBLER.


RK: Garko auto insurance is up

WV: Garko auto insurance. This will never get old.

RK: I wonder if when Dick hurts himself he also refers to it as an "owie"

WV: What do you think the over/under is on owie vs. booboo?

RK: I think you go from booboo to owie to a stream of profanity that would make your mother blush

WV: So Dick'll get there around retirement age.

RK: I have to admit, any day that Redmond and Punto are starting makes my interest decline somewhat.

RK: : I'm so spacey right now David Bowie could write a song about me

WV: Ha, that's beautiful.

WV: Tough walk there Scotty. When you try your best but you don't succeed.....


WV: I'll leave it at that. Man, you're on a roll today RK.


WV: I just spit coffee onto my keyboard listening to Ricky Gervais mimic Coldplay.

WV: That's good tv.

RK: That half inning took 14 seconds

WV: What is it with this Byrd guy?



RK: kayla, it may seem random, but all of our video selections are very well thought out. Like this one: David Bowie -> Appearances on "Extras" :: Rocket Bats walking people -> Lyrics from a Coldplay song
.: Coldplay -> Guest spot on "Extras" so voila!

WV: Pretty obvious is you ask me

RK: Hey did you know that Travis Hafner is from North Dakota??

WV: Jimmytown I hear

RK: Maybe some of our readers don't know that we're from Fargo

WV: It would make much more sense if they did

WV: And like Travis (we can say that because everyone knows each other there), we're strong as mules from pitching hay bales.

RK: But just a skosh more handsome

WV: But not as handsome as that inning-ending double play.


RK: What, really?

RK: A Brandon Harris dinger. Huh

WV: You mean Byrd's not throwing invisible baseballs?


RK: Why is Jim Rich asking the guys questions? Is he really curious? Is this his schtick?

WV: I guarantee you Jim Rich is some random Joe that won a bet with Bert at the bar last night.

RK: He should really throw him off, with something like "I really like cookies. What do you think of cookies up there, guys?"

WV: The way Bert eats cake on-air, that could be suggestive.

RK: All you can eat seats? I may have to take a trip to Minneapolis

WV: Best. promotion. EVER. You could eat your way to paying off the plane ticket.

RK: That's the trick

WV: And amongst the meaningless banter, Rocket Bats notches a 1-2-3 inning.


RK: In a Sartrian sense, the meaning must be made. The banter is the only thing that's really there

WV: That's the contrarian spirit I like. In that sense we're the Ralph Nader of blogdom.

WV: I like to think of us as the nadir...but uh, I digress.

RK: We live in a society of symbols after all, and Nader sure is that.

WV: Assbat is also a symbol, and if you need a signified, turn on the television and pay attention.


RK: Holy crap that new commercial is awesome. I want to watch it 200 times

WV: Do explain for us peasants restricted to radio waves?

RK: It's the pitching staff singing a parody of "Ode to Joy". "3-2 slider we adore thee" I seem to remember

WV: Did Liriano take part? Because lately his 3-2 sliders have been finding the backstop.

RK: He hit some cymbals. l, I busted a gut myself

WV: Rocket Bats is acting more like the Rocket today. Sans the hypocrisy.

RK: Stacey, why would Cuddy say such a thing! Someone's getting a hotfoot when he comes back

RK: And kayla, we are indeed from F-town. We then moved away. Weird, huh?

WV: Twins fans from the hinterland are an interesting phenomenon. Like native spanish speakers from Equatorial New Guinea.


WV: Boy, the chances of us scoring more runs are pretty grim.

RK: So Bert bought a condo in Minneapolis, and Dick said "So you'll be around in January!" and Bert said, "No, a condo. We'll be here for the summer months." Does he have a different definition of condo that I don't know about?

WV: Maybe in Bert-speak condo means "tent".

WV: I sure do miss Dazzle when Jack Morris fills in. The craziness absent from the commentary makes the whole experience uncanny.

RK: LNP threw his helmet in disgust, but he was clearly out, so hopefully it was in self-loathing

RK: I think there's a poem about making the third out on the base paths: When running about / Don't make the third out / Or I'LL CUT YOU


RK: "Why celebrate it at a Twins game?" I'm not sure Jim likes his job

RK: Little Nicky Punto must have thought he was this guy:

WV: Our ace is delivering today

RK: There's a job waiting for him at Giovanni's post playing career.

RK: I think that pizza made me sad in the heart whenever I ate it


WV: Stacy, you and RK think alike.

WV: That, or the truth was just that evident. Kant would be jealous.

RK: Twas her comment made me think of the commercial. It's an organic, collaborated effort over here

WV: With Byrd, when does the term "off-speed" stop being a qualifier and become descriptive?

RK: Yeah, in this current context, you could call your first car "off-speed" right?

WV: And Kubel comes through yet again

RK: I've noticed I haven't seen any Kubel hate from a certain individual this season

WV: Yeah, neither have I. Strange.

RK: Justinthenickoftime will deliver

Later. He'll deliver later


RK: l, I'm with you. He could have just flitted and flown away, but he didn't. I hope he learned his lesson


WV: That's not Bush League...that's Buscher League. <-----scrapes bucket

RK: I know things are getting tougher when you can't see the top of the bottom of the barrel

WV: 1,000 internets to the first person to google that reference.


RK: And kayla wins the internets and fan of the day, we have a soft spot for early 90s Bay Area punk here at PaB

WV: The great thing about living in the aforementioned Bay Area is that I finally get the geographical references.

RK: I felt that way about Beastie Boys songs after living in the New York City area a couple years

WV: Right, because indexicality is a prerequisite for the complete musical experience.

RK: If you believe in that authenticity claptrap... uh, wait, so yeah, Buscher is on second with Redmond hitting

RK: Maybe we shouldn't have returned our gaze to the game

WV: Somebody have RonDL send his hoverboard to Lamb.


RK: In comes Mexican Independence Day

WV: So, having been asked about our outfielder's arms, Gardy responds: ""Young has got a cannon," said manager Ron Gardenhire. "The kid in center can throw it. [Jason] Kubel doesn't throw too awful bad." Care to attack that last sentence?

RK: With some work experience as an editor, I'll allow it and chalk it up to Gardy's vernacular

WV: Right, he subscribes to the Woody Allen philosophy of negativity.

WV: I don't recall a time that we've discussed so little baseball, and that's an accomplishment.

RK: I'm seriously struggling today


RK: Punto has a multi-hit game, and Jerry White's saying, "Now don't get yourself out."

WV: That or, "I don't see you much, what's your name again?"


RK: stacey, I do believe all you can eat seats > Gardy bobblehead

RK: "Walk him; you'll know where he's at." Bert is brilliant

WV: Will Morneau deliver later? We shall see.

[15 minutes later]

WV: I long for Torrid in these clutch situations.

RK: Heh, I still miss Johan more

WV: Just hold it one second, I'm still trying to work through Tyner leaving.

RK: Meh. Looks like we have some Death Metal coming our way.


WV: Wouldn't it just be wacky if the winner of this game executed with runners in scoring position?

RK: Gomez!!! Wow that woke me up

RK: #1 play

RK: Chinese restaurant opening near you soon

WV: It's ok; with Garko Auto Insurance you're protected against theft.

RK: l, I bet Gogo dancer will have #1 Web Gem and have #1 on Sports Center's top plays

WV: Well...this inning reintroduced "heart palpitation" into my vocabulary.

RK: Yeah, I'm up now.


RK: Stacy, I did not know that Death Metal turned vegan. Let's hope he eats his rice and lentils and keeps his protein up

WV: Craig Monroe as a pinch hitter. Why not.


WV: Free extra inning blogging, feel free to send donations to....
At least you have Dick and Bert to entertain you. "Oh you got Dick on your shirt?"
2:00 PM
Yeah, this would be excruciating if I didn't have Dick and Bert
An effective bullpen, you don't say!
We'll account prior lapses to "hiccups"


WV: All I have to contend with are Ron and Carol's My Local Hardware spots. And I will say, I do appreciate the delayed emphasis Gardy puts into bathroom caulk.

WV: Hardware Hank is not one to shy away from innuendo.

RK: I remember from my youth, my Dad being very enthusiastic about bathroom caulk. In a totally non-innuendous way

WV: Yeah, your Dad never barked at your Mom either. That I know of.

RK: Let's move away from this line of discussion

WV: My Kubel is terrible, huh?

RK: Wretched!

RK: I was talking about right now for when Mr Neau to deliver

WV:Sweet sweet nectar!

RK: That's how he rolls


RK: Solid pitching is what we expect, and they delivered. The lack of offense is still discomfiting, but if we can get the ball tossed like this, I'm happy.

WV: Right, and this way there's no surprises.

RK: And for finding out/knowing our Operation Ivy reference, kayla is our fan of the game, throw her blog a link, won't you?

WV: You know it: Hi, This is a Twins Blog..

i love.

.... random youtube videos
It's totally HGH.

And after Harris hit his homer, I realized I might have to love a republican. It's hard to cope right now...

I've also decided the rest of the team needs to start hitting the ball.

Preferably through the gap.
...and that add made me laugh so hard I'm still crying.
you should also praise Blackburn for having "better sideburns than Mauer" least according to Cuddy's introductions from yesterday's game.
you're from fargo? serious? i live 45 minutes away from fargo! our news channels give us daily travis hafner updates... and it annoys me.
that was clearly a "damn I shouldn't have started my slide 40 feet from the base" helmet throw from Nicky.
exactly, RK. I'm also under the impression that Nicky understands baseball about as well, too.
I think next time LNP is mad, he should crush his helmet in his hands. It would instantly turn to dust.

Or, he could not try and steal like that again.

Either works for me.
i highly doubt you're the only people struggling to watch the game. in fact, i stopped paying attention momentarily in like the 4th inning to watch the video "ass like that" by eminem on youtube... i saw drillbit taylor yesterday and the freaking song is stuck in my head
oooo, ooo, who wants to go to the game on May 4th with me? I'm sure that's right before my finals week and I'll have papers to write and grade, but it's worth it for a Gardy bobblehead.
woo, Neshie! Did y'all know that he became a vegan in the offseason? He's my most perfect boyfriend ever.
Gogo can haz a web jem.
morneau might deliver.
"you know, they always call 3rd base the hot box." um, Bert, don't you mean the hot corner? I'm pretty sure hot box means something else entirely...
i didn't mean deliver pizzas either.
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