Wednesday, April 02, 2008
From Blackbeard to Blackburn
Pregame
RK: Nikolai Blackburn (I don't know his first name so I can make one up) sounds like a Russian mystic
WV: Ah yes. Up there with my other favorite mystic, Dionysius the Areopagite
WV: In any case, he apparently shops at the Joe Mauer Sideburn Emporium
RK: I shop at the Beck Wispy-Eighth-Grade Olde Tymey Sideburn Shoppe
WV: I'd grow a pair of mutton chops myself but in my quest to become a carbon copy of my father i've had to settle for a porn star mustache and nothing else
RK:I have a soul patch so my students think I'm hip. I think what we've learned here is that facial hair is like baseball. Somehow. Huh. Apparently life isn't an episode of Scrubs
RK: It should be noted that LAAAAAAAAAAAA pitcher Joe Saunders is a Hokie
WV: It should be dually noted that this Telly character seems frightfully out of place. I will miss Bert's awkward flirting with Marnie.
RK: Also, Telly Hughes has a blog, and it's so bad I don't want to link to it
WV: I think Marnie's still around - doing something. But every network benefits from having their own Erin Andrews to make things awkward
RK: Let's hope for a good outing from our young pitcher tonight - we've got to keep up with the Royales with Cheese!
TOP 1ST
WV: Inexperience is taking its Tolbert
RK: Uh Dick, it's Tol-bear, a la Stephen
WV: I propose a running Tolbert joke tonight. When driving to Chicago, Dick looks over and asks, "Toll, Bert?"
WV: Redact: Inexperience is taking its toll, Bert
RK: Well the whole point of this blog is to extol Bert
RK: "In the crotch area was the second sign." Pretty sure that's in the book of revelation... or in my 7th grade human sexuality class. I'm an adult, right?
RK: That play to end the inning made me hungry for a famous Spanish candy, Tolbertone
WV: This game has Ryan Garko potential.
BOTTOM 1ST
WV: Speedy Go[m]ez could hit .400 just by bunting.
WV: And, uh, strike out the other 60% of the time.
RK: You tell your statistics to shut up!
RK: I think it's time for Dimples to go yard
RK: ...or at least swing at every pitch
TOP 2ND
RK: Torii falls behind 0-2. Also, the sun rose in the east today
WV: Like the Steel Curtain, BlAAAckburn seems efficient
RK: The Steel Curtain rules with an Iron Fist!
WV: Dimples, my goodness, my heart had forgotten the palpitations which you are fond of causing
RK: He is a magician after all
WV: I'll be right back after my triple angioplasty
BOTTOM 2ND
RK: Oh Dr. Neau, what is a boy to think?
WV: Meh.
RK: At least the game's going quickly, right?
WV: This is the equivalent of a blogging dead zone
TOP 3RD
RK: The Doldrums, right? Unfortunately, they don't. I was hoping to get the "IT'S ABOUT. DOING. WHAT IT TAKES. TO WIN.'
WV: After the HGH bruhaha they put the kibosh on that rhetoric
RK: A couple more years, and his sideburns are gonna be there
WV: The notion of letting your arm catch up to your body would be one of those difficult to translate phrases to an extra-terrestrial being
RK: Right, like... staying inside the ball
RK: The phrase "Put it on the boooooard... yes!" would start an intergalactic war
WV: When has Matthews been an asset at the plate?
RK: "Well we know Punto can do some things defensively"
WV: Apparently Koskie was hanging out before the game, let's suit him up. Post-concussion syndrome has to be more in the neighborhood of a .240 batting average
RK: I really hope he turns out alright, in a rare moment of seriousness
WV: Agreed. You know how when you break up with someone you're entitled to a post-relationship roll in the hay? I don't see why Torii couldn't bat DH for us tonight.
RK: I always though they were entitled to a restraining order. I've been lied to!
WV: I swear I saw whimpering after Rincon drilled him last night.
BOTTOM 3RD
RK: Whenever Bert has to say more than 2 sentences it sounds like a stream of consciousness: "Torii back here, a lot of hugs, welcome back Torii, emotions, chicken nuggets, red, a guy I know named Earl"
WV: Inexperience is taking its toll, again, Bert
RK: We could use some quality control, Bert
TOP 4TH
WV: "Billy Butler....I don't know who he is...and boom goes the dynamite!"
RK: Telly is terrible. I mean, I hope he turns it around - but this is not a good start for him
WV: He's providing more entertainment than the actual team.
RK: I'm just going to go ahead and send Boof a link to the Rochester Craig's List apartment listings.
BOTTOM 4TH
RK: Alert: Latroy Hawkins coming in for the Yankees
WV: .....
WV: Uh...BASEBALL!!!
RK: Oh, this isn't a game of catch between the pitcher and 1B?
WV: From here on out, Speedy runs on the first pitch, before we have a chance to GIDP
RK: This is our offensive strategy - get on base via errors
WV: I detected some malice in Dick's voice in announcing Joe Vavra's visit
RK: Do you suppose he gets good service in restaurants downtown?
WV: Nah, he seems like the type that would passive aggressively squint his eyes but still slightly smile when the waiter finally brought him his check.
RK: What? No, that's Jon Voigt
TOP 5TH
RK: There's no such person as ... so and so Vavraarvrarva. He's researching a role
WV: His name is actually the name of a Sigur Ros album
WV: Dr. Neau can't hit for shit but hey..a web gem.
RK: That was like a goalie! (isn't that what we have to say every time a Canadian does anything?)
WV: Yes. Our new strategy is to throw everything underhanded. We're paying homage to Ollie from Hoosiers.
BOTTOM 5TH, SCORE KNOTTED AT THE ONLY NUMBER FOR WHICH THERE IS NO YEAR
WV: I'm a little nervous here, Telly's a little far from the teleprompter standing with the fans.
WV: And great, they're going to award lottery tickets to a couple of 16 year olds.
RK: They're really gonna be embarrassed when an infant wins the 60 gallon keg
WV: We brought in Monroe to hit lefties correct? I'm not a stat hound, and it's possible that this whole righty-lefty split stat might be too high brow for me, but something's fishy here.
RK: He better battle the hell off of his tail
TOP 6TH, NEITHER TEAM HAS TOUCHED THE SLIGHTLY FLEXIBLE PLASTIC PENTAGON
WV: Torii wouldn't have swung at the first pitch would he?
RK: Smart money says he's due to take a pitch at some point here
WV: Now he'll be a hotheaded punk and do one of his walking before the pitch is thrown steals
RK: Swear to god we're being predictive here
BOTTOM 6TH, EMPATADO A CERO
WV: Uh oh Dick's got a beef.
RK: And I'm thinking, steroids, Nick Punto's batting average, gas prices. Nope, the Oakland A's locker room in Japan.
WV: In other news, he's also pissed that Cookie Crisp switched from oats to corn.
RK: Well g'night folks
RK: A hit from Punto
WV: LOL. Oh Bert, "one ringy dingy"
RK: Isn't that a Little Debbie treat?
RK: "Why catchers should wear cups." Well, obviously
TOP 7TH, 0-0. I GOT NOTHIN'
RK: Well.... at least the game's going quickly
WV: Hey Dick, want to go back and discuss how much of the pitcher's success is attributable to Redmond
RK: That's just a bad break
WV: Indeed. Well, it'll be a shame if he takes a loss.
RK: But the way it's going...
BOTTOM 7TH, ANGELITOS 1, GEMELOS NADA
ANGER SALAD
TOP 8TH, OH NO, WE SUCK AGAIN
WV: Walking to get to Torii Hunter. I like it.
RK: Let's him know just what we think of him
WV: Well...at least he didn't get an RBI. Take that!
RK: Time for the Sampler Platter
WV: The Big Sweat, if you will. I'm sticking with Sampler.
WV: Big No Sweat is more like it!
BOTTOM 8TH
RK: Great, my sound went out
WV: In this game that's some kind of punishment.
RK: I'll just assume I know what they're saying
WV: You missed Telly sounding surprisingly lucid
RK: Now I know how Helen Keller felt. Sort of
RK: DP. I could swear it's 2007 all over again
WV: You didn't need sound to decipher the "fuck yeah" coming from Saunder's potty mouth
RK: 1-0, it's like a game from 1974
TOP 9TH, SORT OF ASS BATS 1, FULL FLEDGED ASS BATS 0
WV: Wow. We should get a run for that play.
RK: Nothing else to say
WV: This pretty much guarantees that Gardy will be starting Punto at DH if not at 3B the rest of the season.
BOTTOM 9TH, TWINS DOWN BY ONE 360 DEGREE ROTATION OF THE BASE PATHS
WV: I wouldn't swing at-oll, Bert
RK: Bikini Atoll, Bert
WV: You rat, you stole atoll.
WV: These are pretty easy pitches to bunt, it would seem young Skywalker
RK: I appreciate him trying to go up the line, but it's gotta stay fair
WV: Someone call up Kirk Cameron cuz we got us some Growing Pains
WV: Where's the rally simian when you need it
RK: If Joe comes through, I'll go to his church as soon as I can
RK: Some teenaged girl had to have done that by now, right?
WV: Oh gawd.
RK: You've got to be kidding me
POSTGAME
WV: At least Anthony LaPanta is still around.
RK: I guess Blackburn gave a good outing
WV: I'd say that this is something we should get used to, but isn't our offense supposed to be a tad better?
RK: That was the point of locking up Cuddy, Dr. Neau, and getting Dlmon, right?
WV: That's what LaVelle tells me. And if LaVelle were to ever bear false witness, there'd by folks jumping out of the IDS Tower left and right.
RK: Well, I might be there in a week
RK: But seriously, Blackburn looked good
WV: That's something we can hang our hat on.
RK: Yes, small things.
RK: Nikolai Blackburn (I don't know his first name so I can make one up) sounds like a Russian mystic
WV: Ah yes. Up there with my other favorite mystic, Dionysius the Areopagite
WV: In any case, he apparently shops at the Joe Mauer Sideburn Emporium
RK: I shop at the Beck Wispy-Eighth-Grade Olde Tymey Sideburn Shoppe
WV: I'd grow a pair of mutton chops myself but in my quest to become a carbon copy of my father i've had to settle for a porn star mustache and nothing else
RK:I have a soul patch so my students think I'm hip. I think what we've learned here is that facial hair is like baseball. Somehow. Huh. Apparently life isn't an episode of Scrubs
RK: It should be noted that LAAAAAAAAAAAA pitcher Joe Saunders is a Hokie
WV: It should be dually noted that this Telly character seems frightfully out of place. I will miss Bert's awkward flirting with Marnie.
RK: Also, Telly Hughes has a blog, and it's so bad I don't want to link to it
WV: I think Marnie's still around - doing something. But every network benefits from having their own Erin Andrews to make things awkward
RK: Let's hope for a good outing from our young pitcher tonight - we've got to keep up with the Royales with Cheese!
TOP 1ST
WV: Inexperience is taking its Tolbert
RK: Uh Dick, it's Tol-bear, a la Stephen
WV: I propose a running Tolbert joke tonight. When driving to Chicago, Dick looks over and asks, "Toll, Bert?"
WV: Redact: Inexperience is taking its toll, Bert
RK: Well the whole point of this blog is to extol Bert
RK: "In the crotch area was the second sign." Pretty sure that's in the book of revelation... or in my 7th grade human sexuality class. I'm an adult, right?
RK: That play to end the inning made me hungry for a famous Spanish candy, Tolbertone
WV: This game has Ryan Garko potential.
BOTTOM 1ST
WV: Speedy Go[m]ez could hit .400 just by bunting.
WV: And, uh, strike out the other 60% of the time.
RK: You tell your statistics to shut up!
RK: I think it's time for Dimples to go yard
RK: ...or at least swing at every pitch
TOP 2ND
RK: Torii falls behind 0-2. Also, the sun rose in the east today
WV: Like the Steel Curtain, BlAAAckburn seems efficient
RK: The Steel Curtain rules with an Iron Fist!
WV: Dimples, my goodness, my heart had forgotten the palpitations which you are fond of causing
RK: He is a magician after all
WV: I'll be right back after my triple angioplasty
BOTTOM 2ND
RK: Oh Dr. Neau, what is a boy to think?
WV: Meh.
RK: At least the game's going quickly, right?
WV: This is the equivalent of a blogging dead zone
TOP 3RD
RK: The Doldrums, right? Unfortunately, they don't. I was hoping to get the "IT'S ABOUT. DOING. WHAT IT TAKES. TO WIN.'
WV: After the HGH bruhaha they put the kibosh on that rhetoric
RK: A couple more years, and his sideburns are gonna be there
WV: The notion of letting your arm catch up to your body would be one of those difficult to translate phrases to an extra-terrestrial being
RK: Right, like... staying inside the ball
RK: The phrase "Put it on the boooooard... yes!" would start an intergalactic war
WV: When has Matthews been an asset at the plate?
RK: "Well we know Punto can do some things defensively"
WV: Apparently Koskie was hanging out before the game, let's suit him up. Post-concussion syndrome has to be more in the neighborhood of a .240 batting average
RK: I really hope he turns out alright, in a rare moment of seriousness
WV: Agreed. You know how when you break up with someone you're entitled to a post-relationship roll in the hay? I don't see why Torii couldn't bat DH for us tonight.
RK: I always though they were entitled to a restraining order. I've been lied to!
WV: I swear I saw whimpering after Rincon drilled him last night.
BOTTOM 3RD
RK: Whenever Bert has to say more than 2 sentences it sounds like a stream of consciousness: "Torii back here, a lot of hugs, welcome back Torii, emotions, chicken nuggets, red, a guy I know named Earl"
WV: Inexperience is taking its toll, again, Bert
RK: We could use some quality control, Bert
TOP 4TH
WV: "Billy Butler....I don't know who he is...and boom goes the dynamite!"
RK: Telly is terrible. I mean, I hope he turns it around - but this is not a good start for him
WV: He's providing more entertainment than the actual team.
RK: I'm just going to go ahead and send Boof a link to the Rochester Craig's List apartment listings.
BOTTOM 4TH
RK: Alert: Latroy Hawkins coming in for the Yankees
WV: .....
WV: Uh...BASEBALL!!!
RK: Oh, this isn't a game of catch between the pitcher and 1B?
WV: From here on out, Speedy runs on the first pitch, before we have a chance to GIDP
RK: This is our offensive strategy - get on base via errors
WV: I detected some malice in Dick's voice in announcing Joe Vavra's visit
RK: Do you suppose he gets good service in restaurants downtown?
WV: Nah, he seems like the type that would passive aggressively squint his eyes but still slightly smile when the waiter finally brought him his check.
RK: What? No, that's Jon Voigt
TOP 5TH
RK: There's no such person as ... so and so Vavraarvrarva. He's researching a role
WV: His name is actually the name of a Sigur Ros album
WV: Dr. Neau can't hit for shit but hey..a web gem.
RK: That was like a goalie! (isn't that what we have to say every time a Canadian does anything?)
WV: Yes. Our new strategy is to throw everything underhanded. We're paying homage to Ollie from Hoosiers.
BOTTOM 5TH, SCORE KNOTTED AT THE ONLY NUMBER FOR WHICH THERE IS NO YEAR
WV: I'm a little nervous here, Telly's a little far from the teleprompter standing with the fans.
WV: And great, they're going to award lottery tickets to a couple of 16 year olds.
RK: They're really gonna be embarrassed when an infant wins the 60 gallon keg
WV: We brought in Monroe to hit lefties correct? I'm not a stat hound, and it's possible that this whole righty-lefty split stat might be too high brow for me, but something's fishy here.
RK: He better battle the hell off of his tail
TOP 6TH, NEITHER TEAM HAS TOUCHED THE SLIGHTLY FLEXIBLE PLASTIC PENTAGON
WV: Torii wouldn't have swung at the first pitch would he?
RK: Smart money says he's due to take a pitch at some point here
WV: Now he'll be a hotheaded punk and do one of his walking before the pitch is thrown steals
RK: Swear to god we're being predictive here
BOTTOM 6TH, EMPATADO A CERO
WV: Uh oh Dick's got a beef.
RK: And I'm thinking, steroids, Nick Punto's batting average, gas prices. Nope, the Oakland A's locker room in Japan.
WV: In other news, he's also pissed that Cookie Crisp switched from oats to corn.
RK: Well g'night folks
RK: A hit from Punto
WV: LOL. Oh Bert, "one ringy dingy"
RK: Isn't that a Little Debbie treat?
RK: "Why catchers should wear cups." Well, obviously
TOP 7TH, 0-0. I GOT NOTHIN'
RK: Well.... at least the game's going quickly
WV: Hey Dick, want to go back and discuss how much of the pitcher's success is attributable to Redmond
RK: That's just a bad break
WV: Indeed. Well, it'll be a shame if he takes a loss.
RK: But the way it's going...
BOTTOM 7TH, ANGELITOS 1, GEMELOS NADA
ANGER SALAD
TOP 8TH, OH NO, WE SUCK AGAIN
WV: Walking to get to Torii Hunter. I like it.
RK: Let's him know just what we think of him
WV: Well...at least he didn't get an RBI. Take that!
RK: Time for the Sampler Platter
WV: The Big Sweat, if you will. I'm sticking with Sampler.
WV: Big No Sweat is more like it!
BOTTOM 8TH
RK: Great, my sound went out
WV: In this game that's some kind of punishment.
RK: I'll just assume I know what they're saying
WV: You missed Telly sounding surprisingly lucid
RK: Now I know how Helen Keller felt. Sort of
RK: DP. I could swear it's 2007 all over again
WV: You didn't need sound to decipher the "fuck yeah" coming from Saunder's potty mouth
RK: 1-0, it's like a game from 1974
TOP 9TH, SORT OF ASS BATS 1, FULL FLEDGED ASS BATS 0
WV: Wow. We should get a run for that play.
RK: Nothing else to say
WV: This pretty much guarantees that Gardy will be starting Punto at DH if not at 3B the rest of the season.
BOTTOM 9TH, TWINS DOWN BY ONE 360 DEGREE ROTATION OF THE BASE PATHS
WV: I wouldn't swing at-oll, Bert
RK: Bikini Atoll, Bert
WV: You rat, you stole atoll.
WV: These are pretty easy pitches to bunt, it would seem young Skywalker
RK: I appreciate him trying to go up the line, but it's gotta stay fair
WV: Someone call up Kirk Cameron cuz we got us some Growing Pains
WV: Where's the rally simian when you need it
RK: If Joe comes through, I'll go to his church as soon as I can
RK: Some teenaged girl had to have done that by now, right?
WV: Oh gawd.
RK: You've got to be kidding me
POSTGAME
WV: At least Anthony LaPanta is still around.
RK: I guess Blackburn gave a good outing
WV: I'd say that this is something we should get used to, but isn't our offense supposed to be a tad better?
RK: That was the point of locking up Cuddy, Dr. Neau, and getting Dlmon, right?
WV: That's what LaVelle tells me. And if LaVelle were to ever bear false witness, there'd by folks jumping out of the IDS Tower left and right.
RK: Well, I might be there in a week
RK: But seriously, Blackburn looked good
WV: That's something we can hang our hat on.
RK: Yes, small things.
# posted by WV @ 7:59 PM 
