Sunday, April 06, 2008


KC and the Fluorescent Dome Light Band


If we're going by the career ERA of today's starting pitchers, the Twin are expected to lose 4.77 to 4.62. Pythagorean this Pecota that, this season has to be about exceeding expected outcomes.


Don't suck.


First and foremost, it's Bert's birthday. And golly do I want that baseball cake hat that he's wearing.

"Win one for me Boof. Come on BOOOOF". Seriously Boof, are you going to let Bert down? It's totally justified to include Bert's birthday in the scouting report. Really, Boof's going to need some kind of magical temporal alchemy to avoid those requisite 4.77 runs.

I've been imagining Trey Hillman to resemble Sean Penn in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. It's a real disappointment that he's closer to Tom Selleck.


"Gardy likes calling him [Tolbert] a humming bird"----Somebody's jealous of Ozzie Guillen. Rather than biting at your ankles and consuming human flesh, this group of weak hitting scrappers sucks nectar and flies backwards.

Dick might think that Buck was looking up at Mauer to see if he was stealing signs. I think he's entranced by his boyish, GQ-worthy good looks.

One of these 6,000 pitches, Mauer is going to get a hold of one and smash it right at the 2nd baseman.


Dick, of course, can't at all understand why Dlmon's former team would've referenced "Devils" in the first place. Gentle Dick has always been in favor of: "The Sun Rays". Or, "The Jesus Rays". Or better: "The Teletubby Rays".

Well Boof, if you're going to depend on Dlmon getting all of your outs for you on outfield assists, the Royals might score triple digits. It's a funny thing how these professional hitters can hit straight, slow fastballs all over the place.

BOTTOM 2ND, Ciudad de Kansas 2, Reino de los Assbats 0

Bert seems noticeably upset that instead of long underwear Dick merely gave him a stinkin' Twins stocking cap. No real point to this comment, except that I have to jump at every chance I get to discuss Bert's undergarments. These moments are curiously frequent.

Despite Leodenardo's best efforts to bring Harris home with his bo staff, we remain scoreless.

TOP 3RD, Kaufmann Krunkers 2, HHH Hurlers 0

I can tell this is a new, svelte version of Boof because they're not running oxygen out to him after sprinting to 1st. That's good news, as he'll need to be fleet of foot when he's running to catch the team bus in Rochester.


Young Skywalker, stretching bloop singles into doubles is a move shadowed by the Dark Side. The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Hanging sliders over the plate? Check. Morneau striking out nonetheless? Check and double check.


Bert, as far as I'm concerned, yours is the only birthday that matters to me. But since you're wondering, other celebrities blowing out candles on April the 6th:

John Ratzenberger, of Cheers and "Most Annoying Commercials That Occur To You" fame.
Merle Haggard, of "Kissing My Baby With My Fist" fame.
Candace Cameron, of Full House and "Not The One Who Does Coke" fame.

Meanwhile, in a shot to center that Torii probably would've caught, Speedy Go[me]ez decides to try and drop kick the baggy instead of getting the ball.


The sun is shining, the Earth is rotating, Toby Keith is exploiting patriotism and, oh yeah, the Twins also just hit into an inning-ending double play.


For all my badmouthing of Boof earlier, he has settled down nicely. Now we just need some runs....


The wind is blowing, the Pacific Ocean has water, Jessica Simpson is getting botox and, oh right, the Twins just hit into another inning-ending double play.


On Facebook I've listed baseball as my religious view, so it'd be nice if baseball games weren't actually as dull as a church service.


OK Bert, on this, the day of your birth, I will resist disseminating any and all unauthorized accounts of this MLB game.

SWEET SWEET SUNSHINE!!!!!!! Mr. Mahay, meet the formidable barrel of Dr. Neau's big stick.


This might as well be a football game because if they score another run it'll seem like 7. I thought pitching was supposed to be our problem this year. Randerson is overrated, Vavra is underrated, and together we're mediocre.

Insurmountable deficit, check. But I'll take 7 innings and 3ER from Bonser every time.


Kayla: Having been catholic once upon a time, I'm programmed to interpret most things as punishment. Take Gathright's crashing catch of Kubel's drive into the gap, for instance. That's likely God's retribution for my having dumped bacon grease down the drain this morning.

Let me know when the Twins hitters get out of bed and arrive at the ballpark.


And in comes the Crainadian, and I gotta say that the mid-90's fastball is an encouraging sign.

His control seems to be better as well, and apparently according to Bert the ball is "coming out of his hand nicely". If I were throwing it they'd say, "looks like the ball is going the opposite direction of his arm".

But trust me: I'd let my arm catch up to the ball. And I'd battle my tail off. And I'd be scrappy.


Leo Nuñez looks to be about 10 years old. He's like one of those punk 5th graders that makes ignorant redneck adults look stupid on that one gameshow with Jeff Foxworthy. Actually, they don't make them look stupid, they simply provide people a forum for their true colors to come through.

I hate to be so negative on Bert's birthday, so I will say that Toblerone's double reinforces the chances that Nicky Punto will remain on the bench for the time being.

Kayla: Ooh yeah, that's the big one. One of dem der mortal slip ups. I'm just saving up so that the next time I go to confession I can just say "all of them".

Well that's that.


The Big No Sweat comes in and takes care of business. Everyone now do your best rain dance and ask whatever deity it is that you pray to for some runs.


Let's get these kinds of games out of our system in April. But still.....the Royals?


Happy Birthday Bert:

On Facebook I've listed baseball as my religious view, so it'd be nice if baseball games weren't actually as dull as a church service.

i didn't go to church so i might be getting punished. err well. it's getting better thus far but.. still.
i'm catholic so.. you aren't alone. although i'm pretty sure that skipping church is a little worse than pouring bacon grease down a drain. however, my facebook religious views are actually "catholic" so i might be beating you in that category.
Papa Smurf brought Bert a cake or at least that's what Bert said.

And he and Dick were discussing what size piece Dick prefers.

I've been checking out the free preview of MLB Extra Innings and none of the other announcers are at all this . . . interesting.
I should totally change my religious views to 'Baseball'.
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