Monday, June 02, 2008


An Impending Sense of Dread


Which is pretty much how I start every day. Kidding! Kind of. Whatever. So what happened over the weekend? I was incapacitated up in DC from Fri-Sun, and I see there was a heartbreaker of a loss and Nikolai Blackburn took a liner off the nose. Does that about sum it up? Hey, whatever, only a game out of first place!

This optimism may sound manufactured, but Dandy Andy Pettite is just one of those guys who owns the Twins with no rhyme or reason to it - like Mussina does his transformation into Don Drysdale, Pettite cleft in his chin deepens and he becomes someone else when pitching against the Twins. Coupled with Livan on a Jet Plane's flaccidity against the Yankees, we may be in for a long night - but I refuse to believe so! Kubel will come through for me - assuming he's in the lineup. Research it, you say? Bah! I wonder who our announcers will be for the evening. I'm hoping for Orel Hersheiser and Rick Sutcliffe.


Yes, Orel! He looks like what Damien from "The Omen" would look like all growed up.

And Steve Phillips! He's about to make a terrible trade!

It surprises me how much Jeter sits on the plate. His smug face is in the strike zone.

Not that Livan should hit it.

Well that pitch didn't look great coming out of Bon Jovi's hand, and Alex made him pay for it. Yikes.

Well, here we go. Alright Twins offense, don't be intimidated by Pettite's comically low brim on his hat


WV: This is the sort of game where you just cover your eyes and hope everything turns out ok. A lot like going to the cellar during a tornado warning.

RK: The Twins plan: give Pettite the early lead so he pitches lazy

WV: A real shame that there's no Joe Morgan to mock, lest this game lose all other forms of entertainment.

RK: Oh, Steve Phillips is guaranteed to say something stupid, and Orel will talk a lot about the grip on the ball


RK: l, I think you're on to something. Perhaps the ump should check the cleft for pine tar. It's funny because he was named in the Mitchell Report as a filthy dirty cheating McCheaterson

WV: But with Jesus Christ on his side, he's putting all the blame on Clemens.

RK: Clemens is like R. Kelly for white people!

WV: I bet Orel knows a thing or two about quick hips...

RK: And other such vagaries

WV: Seriously though, what the hell are they talking about? It stand to reason that the faster you can circuitously move your body the faster the bat will go.

RK: Right, but these are baseball experts. Max Weber thinks we should defer

WV: "But he's Derek Jeter, he'll play forever! Hit 4000 hits! Cure cancer!"

RK: I'm glad Orel can see the relationship between Bon Jovi and Silva

WV: Woohoo no runs given up!


RK: I wonder why toiletry companies are all robots and futuristic shit lately. Like the Gilette deodorant that's a multi-functional spy tool and the Degree that's tested by... robots? I love robots as much as the next guy, but this is deodorant we're talking about

WV: I guess....cuz....robots don't sweat? They could just as easily make a commercial with Joe Nathan.

RK: I'm sick of Morneau blooping everything to the opposite field. Put it over the baggie, my good man! I say that like it's that easy, but whatever. Goatee seems to be working for Cuddybear though

WV: And should he become less athletically-inclined one day, it will also do wonders for hiding his double chin.

RK: Or he'll use magic to make it disappear

WV: Can't say I blame Abreu for moving in---I'd instinctively do it everytime Dlmon swings the bat too.

RK: At least they got a run back


RK: I suppose there's worse things in the world than walking the best player in baseball

WV: Right, I was all for that move.

RK: Those announcers sure do crack themselves up

WV: They do. What's your take on Orel's coif? More Clay Aiken or Eli Manning?

RK: I think it's kind of O'Doyle rules

WV: Nice play to end the inning by Harris!


WV: RE: Chevy commercial. What do you think of the Silversun Pumpkins?

RK: I see what you did there

WV: Mike Macri, Matt Macri who's counting.

RK: I'm gonna go with Mark

WV: Gomez is good at looking totally bewildered after big plays.

RK: I keep thinking his eyes are trying to escape his skull

WV: Well, Sand Castle has gone and made himself a bonafide baseball player.

RK: When did this happen?

RK: As happy as I am the good guys tied it, I don't like how the M&M boys went down meekly


RK: Well, they showed the Walker Cherry Spoon, so it must be Minneapolis. Hell of an attempt by Casilla

RK: What was that throw from Cuddyer? That was weak!


RK: But I suppose he'll get more chances for assists now

WV: Livan isn't exactly into the fielding his own position mantra. Harris, however, is

RK: Timely double play and scoopage by Morneau save us there


RK: Twins fan giving devil horns? Please believe I like that

WV: Hell a few more pounds and Cuddy will be Leroy part deux.

RK: I believe in the Southern gentleman of leisure a little more than that now

WV: This game is going surprisingly quickly


WV: Good, our readers will be put out of their misery sooner.

RK: Now what kind of attitude is that?

WV: Positivity right...not positivism.

RK: Right, positivism is dead

WV: You see how Jeter blows bubbles while running the basepaths? That's how you win batting titles.

RK: wokka wokka

RK: "High school kids can't play in the big leagues" No shit, Steve

WV: Hmm, they sure missed on Mauer Pauer potential.

RK: So has 2008 thusfar!

WV: This seems like a slam dunk walk right

RK: Oh yeah, AR is getting an intentionally unintentional BB

WV: How many home grown players did the Mets bring up while Steve Phillips was GM? Hmmm? That's what I thought.

RK: Holy crap, Justin!

WV: He did a great job of trading away Scott Kazmir, however.

RK: The history of Steve Phillips is littered with gawdawful trades

WV: In Soviet Russia, player drafts you!

RK: Leadoff double doesn't score? Perhaps the stars are aligning

WV: Veteran guile, eh?



WV: Peter Gammons @ 2008 MLB Draft: Blah blah blah Red Sox blah blah blah Martha's Vineyard

RK: I think he should run for Senate if Kennedy is unable to continue in his Senatorial capacity... Mark/Mike/Matt/ Macri!

RK: I have never heard this much analysis about the baseball draft from anyone ever

WV: I suspect that Matt Macri is loaded with anagram potential.

RK: I'm waiting for our anagramming to get all meta when Ara Mang gets the call up


WV: Did you know that you could be wedgie free with Hanes?

RK: What does Cano have on this ump?

WV: Somebody go strand that guy on a desert island

RK: Good work, Dlmon

WV: Too bad you can't take a mulligan on front office deals

RK: And here we go again

WV: I'm feeling a double off of the baggie here.

RK: To be a contrarian, I'm feeling a feeble grounder to Casilla

WV: I really can't tell any difference defensively between Bumblebee Kubel and Dlmon in right field.

RK: Young just cannot make a catch look as routine as it is, can he?


RK: The best Kubel in the sea is the Kubel we call Bumblebee

WV: How many in-game updates can you possibly do for a 2-1 game? Oh it's the Red Sox. Check.

RK: The state of the Bos-Wash Sports Media Superstructure is strong

WV: Cuddy hit it too hard, gall darnit.

RK: I like to see him hitting it on the screws though

WV: This would be a good count for one of Monroe's moon shots... Yep, he thought so too

RK: Misplay be Jeter, but I bet we won't hear about that on Sports Center. Also, just saw a Mientkiewicz jersey

WV: Nice call Orel. "Because he didn't slide he was out". You still have to catch the ball right?

RK: I always thought so. I feel Dlmon's gonna strike out here

WV: But don't ask him to pull it--it might take away what makes him special as a hitter. Idiot.

RK: I understand the good point underneath all that, which is that hitting is a good thing period

WV and RK: Fuck Yeah!

RK: This is downright pleasant!

RK: Anonymous: the Yankees just look ugly because they don't have anybody to compare with Mauer

WV: The only logic I can see to bringing Bon Jovi back out with 101 pitches is the dim hope he'll tear a ligament in his elbow.


RK: Jesus Christ, they actually sent him back out there

WV: I'd say that losing Silva has been a negated positive with Bon Jovi and all.

RK: This has to be his last batter though... This almost makes me pine for Jacque Jones in left

WV: Indeed. Well, this was a misguided managerial decision. I'm not going to pin this one on Dlmon.

RK: True

WV: We could retrospectively apply that statement to choosing who tonight's starting pitcher would be.

RK: I think he's doing OK with what he's got

WV: And remember that loving is what I got.

RK: I don't cry when my dog runs away, I don't get angry when Reyes skips a pitch in the dirt walking Matsui and allowing the runner to advance


WV: Christ almighty, it wasn't close by a loooong shot

RK: Fuck buttons

WV: Well, Craig Ehlo will never get a foul called when taking Michael Jordan to the basket if you get my drift.

RK: That shit was just... irresponsible

WV: Hopefully the damage can be minimized.

WV: Guerrier, now that's how we pitch to Chad Moeller.

RK: Haha, amen. And for the record, Alex Rodriguez was out. And is a terrible person who has purple lips


WV: Maybe Sand Castle is due for one of his Tazmanian Devil home runs.

RK: Yeah, he needs to wind up and swivel his hips and squeeze his knuckles and whatever the hell else Phillips says you have to generate power

WV: Ha, right, create space between his shoulders and hips or some crazy thing.

RK: We could really use some Mauer Pauer right here


RK: Fuck me, I called the shot!

WV: Go buy a lottery ticket, STAT

RK: My lucky numbers are 1,2,3


WV: Pettitte is SO going to the HGH Mart when he gets back to the Bronx.

RK: I've been to that Bodega. You can buy it by the syringe

WV: If he had been tagged out a few inches closer to the bag he woulda been called safe.

RK: The home plate ump tried calling him safe

WV: "That's just good baseball by Cuddyer, but Jeter was right going for 2". Come the f. on, man. Seriously. Exit nose from anus.

RK: Yeah, isn't that a fallacy? A or B does not equal A and B?

WV: I do believe that Barthes put a forward slash between the words either and or..meaning mutual exclusivity

RK: Anyway, if that's true, there's a cat Schopenhauer wants you to answer a question about


WV: I was rather enjoying watching Pettitte get knocked around. Me and that grooved fastball were having a moment.

RK: 10 years ago I would have been afraid to see Farnsworth in there


RK: LNP was almost safe there

WV: I like his extracurricular activity too

RK: That's what you get when you put your foot square on the bag

WV: Dlmon huh

RK: Who's Kyle Farnsworth? Kyle Farnsworth ain't shit

WV: That's some real conversation for your ass.

RK: Well so much for that

WV: With all the stepping forward and backward Dlmon has advanced a total of 2 feet today.

RK: And to think that might have scored a run had Dlmon turned that double into a triple. True, Nibbish, the end result is all that matters

WV: Kyle Farnsworth sure is making me forget about Andy Pettitte in a hurry.

RK: Nice working of the count by the rookie. Well that was a weird partitive genitive there in that sentence

WV: Bring on Latroy Hawkins! I feel like that's the next logical move.

RK: Whoops, well, let's hope it doesn't get to that point

WV: My flawed memory recalls a couple of times Nathan has blown a save to the Yankees, so things have to even out right?

RK: Don't jinx it!


WV: Positive, not positivist, right

RK: *twitches nervously*

WV: Start pacing a little faster

RK: Exhale

WV: I don't want to jinx anything, but how come we always win when Bon Jovi pitches? Flies in the face of reason

RK: You almost feel bad for a guy like Perkins

WV: Yeah, or Blackburn

WV: And with a neigh and a snort, he routinely closes it out

RK: Right on!


RK: So the Twins came back 3 separate times, huh?

WV: They did--kudos to us for not prematurely pulling the blogging strike trigger.

RK: I had a feeling... of impending dread, but a feeling nonetheless

WV: It was more than a feeling. Anyways, I'll take a split. Half a game out of first with a series against the Bitch Sox looming next week.

RK: The Twins earn the split, but from what I can tell, the series was closer than that. Weird as it is to say, I'd say the Twins are playing far superior baseball to the Yankees

WV: I mean, we're winning with Bon Jovi for crissakes.

RK: Take what you can get. Let's get first place back.

WV: And hitters like Cuddyer and Young are getting on track.

RK: Good things going forward indeed

I am not liking this game so far.

And maybe Pettite needs a line drive to the chin cleft.
Delmonster with the timely double!
Now that right there is game changing speed (on both counts)
why are the yankees such an ugly looking team? No handsome men.
My god, that was an awful bunt. Classic punto popup bunt. Nice result, tho
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