Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

I just wanted to point out that I had to go through 5 hours of orientation at the school which I've been attending for over 2 years now. We have our heading, but we know neither who's leading us nor where we're going. I am le tired.

So I drink Pepsi One. It contains Splenda and not aspartame. This is important to certain people, and I'm kinda not into Coke right now but who cares?

Because this is post 200 people. Number two hondo. How many blogs get to this point in 2 years of existence? All of them? Yes, probably. But I'd still like a cake.

Which is also appropriate because I'm turning Twenty-Six sometime next week.

So what's happening? Are the boys hitting Lackey tonight? Whatever. LAAAAAAA has been playing waaaay over their heads all season (check out their PECOTA if you can!) and the series with the Team with the Racially Insensitive Name Near Lake Erie exposed them as such. Yes? Yes. Also, I still miss JoJo more than Sinn Fein.

(Sinn Fein is Torii Hunter if you're knew to this business)

WV has the night off, because he's in Minneapolis and I'm so jealous, so you're gonna deal with my weirdness tonight. Trust.

TOP 1ST

I wouldn't know if I'm missing anything because MLB Mosaic can't get Minnesota's stream! Nice guys.

Well uh, I don't know what to tell you.

This is not a good way to start ones 200th post.

Apparently this is a game-specific problem. I can tell you that AZ is leading SD however. In case you cared which you didn't because who cares about what's going on in the NL?

Go go gadget gamecast!

BOTTOM 1ST

Network stream error... Retrying...

Tell me something people! It smells of skunk in my apartment and I don't know why that particular smell is wafting in here because I don't live on the side of a highway.

Here's my dilemma people. I desperately want to watch the Twins, but I can't, and that would make me want to give up for the night and read a book, but it's 200 posts! Whatever is a boy to do?

Apparently Mark Teixeira has hit a home run.

TOP 2ND, MN 0 LAAAAAAAAAA 1

Skippety bee bop, oh I'm just scatting over here. Apologies to Ella Fitzgerald.

BOTTOM 2ND, SAME

Now none of the games in Mosaic are working. Big gulps, eh? Welp, see you later (if this gets fixed)

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

karleeee, you're right, but I don't even need interesting. I just need to like, see it period.

Good people of Twins blogdom, I'm terrorizing your blogz with comments because this is what it sounds like when the doves cry.

TOP 5TH

Oh my God run scores! And how come nobody in our blog roll has been blogging lately? Don't tell me your OMG Joe Mauerness is waning? No, it's the dog days for everybody, or you're college students and I feel that.

Oh karleeee you're a godsend. And funny. Allow me to rebut:

If my pops owned a bar, I would drink my weight in Blackenkugels (half summer wheat ale and half guinness. Pretty good stuff)

Bert is probably talking over Dick and talking about California math and how Lackey is a good pitcher, not a thrower a pitcher and he likes to eat.

I'm really excited about eating a huge chunk of cake next week for my birthday celebration. When I turned 22, a coworker made me a "better than sex" cake. And she was right.

As Britney would say, give me give me MORE give me MORE.

By the by, what bar? I've been to most all of them in the Cities.

BOTTOM 5TH, I GUESS? TIED AT 1

Here's the thing about Chone. It's like, I get Sean, Shawn, Seamus O'Malley and Seadoo 1200 jetskis. But Chone? Come on.

Um, hey, here's an idea Karleeee, would you like to fill in for WV tonight? I can totes set it up to make you an author to this here thingie. Blog. That's what it is.

TOP 6TH, SAME

OK, so look, whatever's happening in the game is happening, but what's important is that it's high time WV and I do what we said we were gonna do open this thing up to a bunch of competent and hilarious authors. So karleeee, please email rekirsch@gmail.com so I can add you to the roll, and send an AIM screen name or else the live chat thing, well it just doesn't work.

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

KK: I don't know if its my wishing but it seems like baker has struck out quite a few angels.

RK: Dude is pitching like Radke, son

KK: Bradke it up scotty bakes.

RK: He needs much more hair on his face. And less of a Legolas quality

KK: You know whats one thing I like seeing that Gomez is doing, he isn't show boating and throwing in the ball without looking like he tends to do, like. Always. And indeed, but I dont think he can grow hair on that face of his, he still looks about not a day over 14

RK: Well this is a first in PAB history, 3 contributors at the same time!

KK: This is HOT

WV: So drop it.

RK: I feel like I've really exponentially increased my technics. Benjamin would be pissed

KK: I need to stretch to "drop" it. It takes more effort than you think.

WV: Well you do go to Virginia Tech...

KK: main word in the sentence TECH.

RK: It is a polytechnic institute. An institute of many technics

KK: random thought: Vlad reminds me of dracula which makes me think of blood and it makes me woozy. Maybe if he breaks his bat I can use it as a shank to stab him through his heart.

WV: Torri of the future tells Ex-Torii to sit the fuck down.

KK: Nice fly out there Torrid. In Soviet Russia, Torii flys out YOU!

TOP 7TH, SAME

RK: Blogging while not seeing what you're blogging about is easier with more people

WV: Indeed. Is Mosaic still giving you trouble?

RK: Mosaic is definitely putting the grizzle on my hangdown

KK: I see I missed nothing, I walked in on Puntos priceless lost puppy look on his face.

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

KK: The dark knight swoops in and eats up that fly ball. Am I being racist for calling him a dark knight? I'd take that as a compliment.

RK: Yeah, I dunno. I mean on the one hand Batman is a superhero, but on the other hand, Christian Bale totes beats up his mom

KK: Yeah. But Dlmn Yng can so say his mom is his bat. Bat-man...oh..get it? Haha. Excuse me while I set down my book of adolecent 5th grade jokes. It's the reissue hard copy version.

RK: Flew over my head, but uh, I'm not smart. Sometimes I need to be hit in the face with it.

WV: You've been downgraded from Polytechnic to Multitechnic.

TOP 8TH, SAME

RK: How about this Baker kid, huh? Remember when he said he wanted to be the ace and we laughed at him and told him to get off our lawn?

WV: At this point I celebrate when Cargo doesn't strike out, so a single is causing some really irrational exuberance.

KK: Cannot Compute. Carlos hitting the ball and not popping up a bunt or striking out is like....it's...no words I don't even have a nice punch line for this.

RK: Denard Span has no patience for your punchlines. I can't see him, but I assume it's scary

KK: I couldn't take baker serious being the ace because he was too busy gagging up big leauge gum and grass in my lawn, since between innings he was grazing. Span doesn't. But he does have patience at the plate, compared to cargo.

KK: Denard Span says: Cuddyer who?

WV: That flip to first was Lackey-ing in accuracy.

RK: Y'know, I'm saying that too. Like, I can't see your magic tricks, Michael, you have to play to get a Christmas card from me this year

WV: Here's a magic trick that needs to be explained: How Shawn becomes Chone and maintains phonetic fidelity.

KK: Lackey is Whackey. He doesn't know how to throw to second either.

WV: I'm working towards a joke on chodes here.

RK: Yeah, my name's Robert but it's pronounced "Darrell"

KK: His name is Choad Fignewton.

WV: Haha. Choad Phignewton.

RK: We've got a winner!

KK: Haha, yes we need the "PH", kudos to you for that. You just one upped my own amazingness.

WV: We're doing this 3 the hard way.

RK: Juice by WV, juice by WV! Too weird to reference Requiem for a dream?

WV: I think we've all regressed a bit to 5th grade. This is the meeting of minds that I envisioned when I went to grad school.

KK: Kubel is laughing, why you ask? Because they are walking Mauer to get to Morneau to make the bases LOADED with one out. And Lackey also can't throw to his own catcher.

WV: Come on Karlee: That pitch to home was Lackey-ing in accuracy.

RK: Yeah man, fuck the academy, chat rooms are where the future of democracy lie!

KK: Mike Sochia's (sp?) manager skills amaze me. Skillz, let me show them to you.

WV: Yeah, he was out.

RK: Shit. Shit. Shit.

KK: Tell me how you REALLY feel.

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

RK: I feel like.... we just gave the game away

KK: No more mister nice guy. No more mister glee-hee-hee-eee. That should be Bakes' theme song

RK: I would support that. I would also support not seeing replays of Justin's GIDP

KK: I feel like you need some R&R....Rbi's and...Rub-downs.

RK: I do, these announcers are killing me. Bert withdrawal is always the worst on the first game of a roadtrip

KK: I think thats bakers 549340 strike out tonight.

WV: I'll be the representative Bert reporter, since I'm fortunate enough to be ensconced in the 10,000 lakes.

KK: Say something Berty. Enlighten me, the tv's are on mute.

RK: I'll hopefully be there for the last homestand. Which makes it sound like a Virginian Civil War battlefield, but whatevs

TOP 9TH, SAME

KK: Hey Rubix Kubes do work son!

KK: I don't like it when we strike out, I bet that comes a shocker to you both. Because I enjoy watching people fail on a daily basis.

RK: Sure, who doesn't? That's why we teach. But it's Delmon, so, y'know, we've become emotionally cold

KK: Where did bobby boucher come from? Where am I?

KK: He should go yard right now. Then non chalantly wave goodbye to mike lamb

RK: Oh come on, you know Mike Lamb is sitting in Houston, crying into his drink

WV: Holy shit, say that again, only louder

KK: AND A LITTLE BIT LOUDER NOW. He's crying in Joe Mauer's milk

RK: Well ain't that just the berries?

KK: Thats his job, to guard Joe Mauers chocolate milk. Oh btw: Hi, Nick Punto? Yeah hi it's Karlee again. Rbi's make yoru avg go higher, just a side note.

RK: Nick Punto, Nickto, Klaytu Verata Nickto!

KK: Big bag of fail.

WV: That line right there was an unconcealment of Being.

BOTTOM 9TH, SAME

WV: Punto's new nickname is Pinko

RK: Thanks to Karlee. We'll let you, the reader, figure it out

KK: Nice grab, PINKO, I mean Casilla, I'm so used to seeing him at 2nd. I think the drunk people in the bar are rubbing off on me, and I've become seasoned. And mentally drunk.

RK: People do mimic the environments in which they find themselves. It's one way to alter space across time

KK: someone just announced this outloud at the bar "WALK OFF HOME RUN!" be right back I must cut a bitch. I keed, I keed

RK: That would make me have a huge anger salad. Wait, former teammate? I was unaware that this "Hunter" used to play for Minnesota

WV: And if he were to hit a walk off, he totally wouldn't do a douchey bat flip would he?

RK: Bret Boone would sue him

KK: Manny would say "look its torii being torii"

RK: Also, "where is my enormous stuffed giraffe?"

KK: A WALK

KK: And "I hate rally monkeys, yet now I play on the team who has the rally monkeys"

RK: Wait, who's talking now?

KK: Torii said he hated the monkey

RK: Oh, OK I was still with Manny

KK: Oh, Manny probably hates the rally monkeys too.

RK: Manny only hates barber shops

KK: And moisture.

RK: Are we out of this inning yet? Y'alls is about 2 pitches ahead of me

WV: Good, he's Guerrierrrrreat! again.

KK: Is it too much to ask for torii to jam his finger on a base? Is it mean to befriend a base more than an ex-team mate? To like an inatimate object more than a human being?

RK: Not at all, that describes my attitude at 98% of humanity

TOP 10TH, SAME

RK: It's about 8 in the morning here out east

WV: I know, you're in danger of missing the 2:00 AM Good Eats.

KK: They are playing extra innings because they found out the 3 biggest fans are live blogging, I'm the Mexican kid, wasn't he earth? And also please tell me you remember that show!

RK: The African kid was Earth, Asian lady water, Russian girl wind, American boy fire, and the Indian kid heart. GO PLANET. I still remember the theme song, trust

WV: Denard needs to work on these drives to center actually going over the fence.

KK: Good Eats is quite a good show. I never miss an episode of bizzare foods with andrew zimmern.

WV: I know--If it looks good, let Andrew Zimmern eat it.

KK: yeah Torii how does it feel to have a ball go over you? It smells like successsss. I ate plantains today, so casilla should do something productive.

WV: And I'm in Minnesota, so if he doesn't Mauer better.

KK: The great Mauersaurus.

WV: Sandcastle's return has....yeah.

RK: I got nothing

KK: Is Torii showboating? It looks like he is.

RK: I would have no way of knowing

KK: Walk CHOCOLATE MILK. Psh. Well mr drunkerton would.

WV: All this walking to get to Morneau would have to backfire at some point, right?

RK: Justin needs to put on his angry face

KK: His puffer fish face. Whenever he hits the ball it looks like he's about to blow down a barn with his mighty canadian lungs.

WV: Incidentally, that's the face I'm currently sporting.

KK: Oh you...IDIOT. Hey can you start prepping the anger salad please?

WV: RK, the FUTURE, is grim.

RK: I'm ready for it. Sigh.

BOTTOM 10TH, SAME

WV: Really, has anyone named Howie ever been good at anything?

KK: Howie Mandel... I take that back.

RK: In Bobby's World? Point. Set. Match.

KK: That show was pretty radtastic. We read eachothers minds, we should get married so our children can carry on our telacanesis-ness.

WV: I'd say that you'll be the first couple brought together over mutual affection for a Howie.

RK: Let's hope that's the case

WV: Or does somebody have another esoteric example to disprove me with?

KK: Howie, whats his football face. Yeah football and me aren't two peas in a pod.

RK: The former Mr. Teri Hatcher

WV: Yeah, but now he does those douche-tastic, subliminally brokeback Chevy commercials.

KK: Yes, him. Bingo. Yahtzee. Kinetico.

RK: KENT HRBEK

KK: CHICKEN BUCKET

RK: A double play is in order

KK: remember the top ten list on david letterman the top ten ways to say kirby pucket wrong. turkey bucket, and when don shelby said he had a gopher in his pants. I remember. I was young but I remember .

RK: I don't, but that seems far enough back in the day to be funny

KK: http://www.baseballfans.net/piratestalk/forum.php?az=show_mesg&forum=100&thread_id=160841&mesg_id=160929&page=

RK: Oh I'm going to wake the neighbors with my raucous laughter

WV: This would be funny even if I wasn't drinking!

RK: SPAN SAYS NO

TOP 11TH, SAME

KK: Kubel. All blog no score make karlee dull girl.

RK: What the phone booth? What's Koobs doing?

KK: DLM YNG GT SNGL

RK: Good news from THE FUTURE! I was about to anoint him the new Brian "Sure Out" Buchanan

KK: Ruiz is in to clean up right quick.

WV: The St. Paul Saints have a locker saved for him already.

KK: Hahaha, that was a bag fulla lulz. I might have to jump on the lollercoaster.

WV: Ha, Dick called Craig Monroe "dearly departed" and Bert chimed in with, "well, departed"

RK: HA!

KK: Bert makes my heart flutter with his cockiness.

KK: DBL PLAY FTL

WV: Because just what we needed was another GIDP. Sorry to be the harbinger of bad news.

RK: At this point, I'm expecting it

KK: But seeing the aflac duck dance in shoes always puts a smile on my face. And makes me want mock duck lo mien

RK: But real duck is where it's at! So full of fat and.... I dunno, Chinese 5-spice?

BOTTOM 11TH, SAME

KK: Neverhitt is playing short shit...I mean stop. Jesse Crain makes me nauseous. But he did say I have nice inkage.

WV: If we win this game, I'll refer to the pace as methodic, if we lose, then excruciatingly dull.

RK: Wait, what? When were you talking to the Crainadian?

KK: The twins live thing with cuddyer, I was last in line and I stole the poster on the wall, cuddyer said I was a theif. I pleaded the 5th.

RK: Hopefully you slapped someone's ass... On the team

KK: No they were sitting down :(

RK: Or anybody's.... I mean, whatever you like

WV: In your defense, that play by Neverette had nothing to do with his arm

KK: I wanted to line them up and bend them over and say good game and smack them, I mean if they can spank eachther why can't I get a crack at it? You're right, WV, it was all Pinko's aura.

TOP 12TH, STILL TIED AT ONE, HOMES

KK: NO WAY. OH MY GOD. WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

WV: Pinko...just belied his surname.

KK: Torii looks so perplexed! Pinkoooo i choosee youuu.

RK: Uh... que the fuck happened?

KK: Pinko almost went yard, Torii tried to do his fancy jump work and failed. Looked like someone just shot his dog. Got a triple.

RK: Dr. Jubal, we share your exuberance. This is so much better than reading The Sociological Imagination

KK: Gomez, we aren't golfing. We're trying to win. Span hit it to the outfield so punto can score and we can win k thanx bai.

WV: Denard should join a gang because he's good with his bo staff.

RK: I was always partial to Leonardo

KK: Denard Span makes me want to eat better than sex cake.

RK: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Better-Than-Sex-Cake-II/Detail.aspx

KK: Because that rbi single was better than sex....cake.

RK: Ooh, very meta. Metalinguistics, son!

KK: That word is quite the mouthful. I could go on with something witty but I'll just shut my trap and enjoy this game, this game shows me we are just as good as I thought they were. Or something.

RK: It shows me that LAAAA aren't as good as their record shows. We've still stranded like 9 RISP

KK: They better let chocolate milk hit

KK: Yeah and thats not our style. They just look like they are good because well, look at the division they are in. My dads 55+ softball beer leauge can play in that.

WV: Hey, Carlos Silva would fit in perfectly on a 55+ beer league softball team.

BOTTOM 12, 2-1 TWINS

KK: I want to see these fruit of the loom fruits play at my 23rd birthday this year. You two work on that getting done for me thanks.

RK: I just want a cake and pink shoes. But I got the pink shoes today! But what I want from all of you is to share the joy of a first place Twins ballclub

KK: Are they hannah montana shoes? And Carlos would, him and LeCroy can play together. And it will be an honor to share it with you kind sir.

RK: Nah, they're One-Stars. They were in the women's section, but they fit, so there you go

KK: Oh, sexual. I have light pink ones 

RK: We may have the same shoes. Oh yeah and Nathan gets a K so siddown GA

KK: Joe Nathans avg is 1.00......if it drops below that, I might have a pants party.

RK: We had a tradition at St. John's that every night at a certain bar ended with a pants party

KK: The Angles are so pleased with their signing of Mathews Jr. that he sits on the bench while this chump comes up to hit.

RK: But that catch! That one time! Buck Showalter!

WV: Point. Set. Match.

POSTGAME

KK: You mean Pantless party. The Twins will be having one of those tonight. Wanna know why? Because he sat some bitches down, close the dooooooooor.

RK: Twins Win? I mean ! The Engelchens are overrated

KK: Very much. Agreed.....and it should be twins win!? I'm Ron Burgundy?

RK: It should. So Scott Baker was pretty solid, huh?

WV: I rather like being 1/2 a game out of first.

KK: Scott Baker was solid like a %80 cocoa dark chocolate bar. Try biting into one of those without wincing

KK: Pinkoooo speaks. It was the nick punto show tonight, and truthfully. I loveeeeee it.

RK: We know Nick Punto should be praised tonight, but we have a speical treat. More people blogging is fun! Let's do this again sometime.