Monday, August 25, 2008


Every 4.5 Years Eddie


As the title suggests, the Twins bolstered their 'pen today. Some may see it as a wise move, or some could see Mr. Guardado as a walking Viola whose elbow has been reclassified as "volatile projectile". Luckily, all we gave up was some guy named Mark Burger King.

Up for us is another guy with elbow problems of his own, and thanks to a game that took 4 months to complete, we enter action in a deadlock with the Bitch Sox for first place.


The peripheral damages to this extended road trip reach beyond the playing surface. Us denizens of serfdom are utterly Bert-less. Just 10 more games. 10 more games.


A little surprising to see Eddie already here. How on Earth was he able to detach himself from the awesomeness of Josh Hamilton? He should send ESPN whatever he's taking.

RK: Let me point out that there are few things more humiliating than being pulled over by the police when you're on a bicycle. I'll admit that I wasn't following the letter of the law. I took a shortcut going the wrong way down a one way and didn't have a front reflector.

RK: But saying that, I also understand that of all the evils besetting blacksburg at this wicked hour, a rogue cyclist trying to get home shouldn't be at the top of that list

RK: Also, one of these announcers sounds positively octogenarian

WV: He does, but it provided a seamless transition from Ted Kennedy's speech.

RK: He's still alive?

RK: Too soon?

RK: I'm a little bitter tonight.


WV: I usually ignore the MLB news feed, but I'm intrigued by "Where are they now? Steve Sax".

WV: In a close second with "Where are they now? Ron Karkovice".

RK: Y'know what would get my interest? Where is Les Straker

RK: Oh, Mike Lambda is no longer with the organization

WV: August is in like a lion, but out like a Lamb.


RK: Seriously, who is this announcer? I half expect him to tell me to get off his lawn

WV: When he said Jojima's name I had similar sentiments.

RK: Kenji seems like a name that would be in a 4th grade book about tolerance and magic modes of transportation

WV: Maybe they hired someone from hospice care to match the funereal atmosphere of this empty stadium.

RK: Well, there's always the Supersonics OH WAIT

WV: You could've gone Pilots there but you're all about being too soon this evening.

RK: I'm in a rare state of seething


RK: I think the pace dictated by the announcers is making this go by veeeeery slowly

WV: My image of the octogenarian is now strikingly similar to Bill Slowsky.

RK: Mine is a combination of John McCain and Jack Cafferty

WV: Slowsky is taking a keen interest in this Cubs discussion, seeing as how he remembers the last time they won the series.

RK: I'd like to have Thanksgiving dinner with this guy

RK: Wow, 5 of the Twins hitters have .300+ BAs

WV: One of those aforementioned hitters just put us ahead.

RK: Haha, lucky news for Span. Holy hell was he out if Burke hung on to that

WV: Ichiro's only error, really, is playing for Seattle.

RK: But maybe he fits in a non-pressure cooker situation ala Vlad Guerrero


WV: This is a frickin' lazy AFLAC trivia question.

WV: Tomorrow: "Which team from Milwaukee plays in the NL Central?"

RK: I missed it, what was the question?

WV: "Which team has the best record in the majors?"

RK: Smartass answer: 2001 Mariners and 1906 Cubs

WV: I suppose I should look at the game. Well, I don't mind seeing Beltre up with 2 out

RK: Generally when you throw 63 pitches in 3 innings you're not pitching a shutout, but I'll take it nonetheless.


WV: Prior to coming out for his 1-2-3 inning, someone whispered to Liriano that pitch counts weren't scored the same way as the Stableford Scoring system.


WV: Remember when Liriano would just strike everyone out?

RK: Oh yeah, he should do that more

WV: Well, kudos to him for getting out of it, with no thanks whatsoever to Sandcastle.


RK: Joe can't be oh-fer forever against the Mariners

WV: The law of averages is on our side.

WV: Another K. I'm starting to miss the Metrodome.

RK: Although every day I'm reminded of the laws of both gravity and time only moving in one direction

WV: It's not the Angels, so Dr. Neau can hit it

RK: Smart money says Delmon manages to go 0-1 right away in this AB?

WV: In spectacular fashion!

RK: Yeah, I mean, even I wasn't expecting the swing to avoid being clocked.


RK: What's going on here? Isn't this the same Miguel Bautista who couldn't pitch for the Pirates, etc?

WV: He of the 6.35 ERA.

RK: We should have like 4 runs right now!

WV: OK, so everything is even with the cosmos now after Kubel's non-homer yesterday.

RK: That foul ball by Lopez was close. God's in his kingdom, as the hagiographers would say


WV: I'm not going to lie, I won't miss Bautista. But hey, did you know Chris from the Family Guy also pitched?

RK: But he can't pitch on Saturdays

RK: Haha, really? The Mariners guys are talking about the mess of starting pitching going on in the Yankee clubhouse?

WV: Next, they'll critique kitsch public monuments with rooftop restaurants.

RK: Physician, heal thyself, and all that


RK: Wow, seeing Eddie warming up makes me think I need to finish my senior thesis so I can graduate on time

WV: Hahahah

RK: Tom Morello will now play a solo out in left

RK: Uh oh, OMG's hit streak may be over

WV: This will only reinforce Kubel's status as Zeus in the minds of Seattle broadcasting teams.

RK: Hey, two ducks on, time for a homer for D'Young!

WV: Single, that'll work.

RK: No complaints here

WV: Buscher's not exactly fleet afoot, huh?


WV: I hope Eddie doesn't make me remember that he was also known as "Heart Attack Guardado".

RK: I'm far too tired for excitement right now. I'm gonna crawl in my sock drawer, and sleep for days (high 5 for who gets that)

RK: I mean, I'll wait till the game is over. Lest our phantom readers fret

WV: All sorts of references to the end of the century 'round here.


WV: Eddie looks more like my father than a professional baseball player.

RK: I think he and Reyes should switch jerseys one day and see if anyone notices

WV: Guardado is slated to get the revolving old codger locker formerly occupied by Terry Mulholland and Jesse Orosco.

RK: And Bon Jovi, even though he's what, 29?


RK; Looking ahead, I often try to root for one team in every game. Makes things more interesting. But now, when the Yankees play the Red Sox, I just root for a lightning storm

WV: You can see what's lost when one's in last place; I mean, not a single Roger Lodge promotion.

RK: To be fair, Roger Lodge works for a local AM station out of LA

WV: The spinning flub shot Gomez just patented is incidentally how I like to tee off when golfing. You know, the once a decade times that I do it.

RK: Don't blame the messenger! OK, that was a little cheap and easy, but screw you, it's almost 1 in the am here

RK: I golf a beer a hole. Always ends well

RK: .....on 9 holes.


RK: Beltre hasn't had a lot to show since 2004, guys

RK: And I eat my hat

WV: Lead-off doubles are stranded all the time, right

RK: I wonder what the statistics are on that... I mean OMG Joe Mauer

WV: Sure, whatever happens, Nathan will look good doing it.


RK: Y'know what I don't get? How come married ladies on facebook use their maiden names in quotation marks? I mean, I understand the why, but it looks funny. Like, Jane "Johnson" Doe makes me wonder if that's some kind of alias or that maybe the reader isn't supposed to believe that

RK: : If I changed my name to R "Palischewski" K, it would look weird, right?


RK: Look, I'm entering new realms of consciousness here. I'm just staying awake to see where this goes


RK: "We are the last remaining game in progress in the Major Leagues right now." That was the case 2 hours ago, grandpa

WV: You've uh, got to be kidding me

RK: OK then.

WV: Well, you can now pass our cursing Canada.

RK: Now a full game back. I shaved my legs for this I mean stayed awake for this?

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