Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

I go to Virginia Tech, as you all know, and sometimes I'm prone to impulse buys:



A Twins hat in Hokie colors? Oh I picked that up quick.

Anyway.

WV: I'm glad the Twins are home. I'm not sure how much more Ryan Lefebvre I could take.

RK: Henri Lefebvre so totes > Ryan Lefebvre

WV: That's as predictable as 2 > 1. Any chance Bert will have to do this F*ckin' thing over again while discussing Derek Jeter in the pregame? And let's not forget the big news - Bobby Kielty's return to the Twins er Red Wings

RK: Where's Dustan Mohr?

WV: I don't know, but there's always some idiot GM looking to waste money and roster spots on gamers.

RK: /FJM

WV: I can't help it, but whenever a Twins infielder takes a routine grounder I cover my eyes.

RK: Come on, it's not like we have Dan Uggla going out there

WV: Just like Perkins scripted it.

RK: Sure, take care of the Twins killers by letting them get hits. That's how I'd do it

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: Hey, you know what's really frustrating? Trying to tell your parents how to set up their iChat over the phone. Wow

WV: "Rays Belfour has a fire down under". Hmmm. This is why MLB.com is where I go for my news and current events.

RK: I like the message board sentence of the day; it's always something about how someone is good at baseball

WV: I'm certainly going to troll that board by intermittently discussing venereal diseases and Matt LeCroy's throwing arm.

TOP 2ND

RK: He's at the All-American Steak Buffet if you want to ask him

WV: Craig Breslow needs to teach Perkins how to balk and then there'll be no need to throw it so hard.

RK: Yowza, Richie Sexson on the Yankees? Dire straits, huh? Luckily Sexson is an easy out

WV: Kind of like the Georgian military---oh!

RK: Cold War redux bitches!

WV: I rather like the way iron curtains go with the modern industrial aesthetic.

RK: Hopefully this resurrects the Bauhaus (the architectural movement, not the band)

WV: Carlos Gomez is like the annoying kid who ruins every picture by making a funny face.

RK: I mean, I guess because Punto is kinda small maybe CarGo didn't see him, but I suppose that's the CF's call

WV: Now that was a timely double play

BOTTOM 2ND

WV: The CF does have the prerogative there I guess

RK: Like Bobby Brown?

WV: Exactly like Bobby Brown. And if Punto doesn't listen, CarGo will kiss him with his fist.

RK: I was hoping you'd take that there

WV: I figured discussing assault was appropriate with Ponson pitching. Before every pitch, Pontoon imagines IRod's mitt is the face of an Aruban judge.

RK: John Daly is the same guy but so lovable. What gives?

WV: *Faints onto the floor

RK: Well Mr. Everett, we hardly knew ye

WV: I guess he patched that hole in his bat....with CORK!

RK: I think he didn't so much mash it out of here as simply gamer that ball over the wall

TOP 3RD, NYY 0 MIN 2

WV: To gamer----nice verbage.

RK: I like it

WV: I'm happy that the bots in our live chat have moved beyond prescription pills and now discuss Versailles and the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

RK: Though I like the idea that I can get Viagra whenever i want it

WV: Michael Kay probably said Everett's play was Jeterian

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

RK: Indeed. "Weak" is a proper adjective for both players. I would criticize Span for sitting on that fastball down the pike. But then I remember how hard it is for me lay off the splitter on Wii baseball

WV: Nick Punto down to .257...this would be the law of averages running its course.

RK: No no no, no stats here friend, OMG JOE MAUER

TOP 4TH, SAME

RK: Huh, whenever I hear astronaut I assume Buzz Aldrin

WV: Bert: "Tell me what this space is all about"

[awkward silence]

RK: Perhaps Bert knows more about the production of space across time and uneven geographic development than he lets on

WV: Me, I prefer to forget about space and consider only temporal dimensions. That said, I was nearly hit by a bus this morning.

RK: I try to live in the moment of the one-dimensional world

WV: The old Liriano has returned, in the visage of one Glen Perkins.

RK: "I threw up on my brother once! I loved it!" And Dick has given up

WV: Bert's naiveté is refreshing. The astronaut probably feels like he's speaking to a grade school class.

RK: I feel like I'm knowledgeable because I've seen Apollo 13

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: Why the hell didn't the Pontoon pitch like this for the Twins?

WV: Er... shit.

TOP 5TH, SAME

RK: But Bert, Farnsworth has been struggling since 2004. Probably not a good trade for the Motor City Kitties

WV: The Twins have luck with southpaw pitchers, huh?

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: Have you checked out Girl Talk at all?

WV: I have not. What's it all about?

RK: A dude who mashes up like 400 songs per album in one amazing continuous medley

WV: Also, some baseball happened

TOP 6TH, SAME

WV: I'll have to look into that. I've been busy trying to figure out a way to rip songs off of Imeem.com

RK: Does the Safari trick work? Hm, Let's hope the roadside diner isn't hitting a wall here

WV: Ah, the obligatory throwdown to Coomer

RK: Must be in the contract HELLZ YES, SON

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

RK: That's one of the few times I can stand to hear the phrase "Around the Horn" without hearing annoying Stoner girl from that ESPN show circa 2003. Remember that? She'd be all Arrroooooound the Hooooorn, brought to you by Nissan"

WV: Wow, I'm really drawing a blank. I had to go to You Tube on that one

RK: Anybody hating on Span right now? They oughtn't be

WV: They shouldn't be. I did a google search of Span and found an old article from his draft year saying that he was going to be a top 10 pick but fell to the Twins due to signability issues. That's confounding on one level, and it doesn't involve Span's ability

RK: He's stone cold up there at the plate. Lookin' at that pitcher like he owes him money.

TOP 7TH, TWINS UP 3 TO NOTHING

RK: Xzibit makes a quick out

WV: I'm making AB's salmon in parchment paper recipe this evening. It's become something of a sensation around these parts.

[AB = Alton Brown of Food Network's "Good Eats"]

RK: Can't go wrong with salmon. I grilled some last night with a mustard marinade and honey glaze

WV: Did you hear about why they replaced the dude from Dinner: Impossible? Dude's a liar, which makes me smugly content because he's also a prick.

RK: I heard about that. Also, Sexson unsurprisingly strikes out

WV: Why do the Red Sox suck so much? One hit off of Danks is depressing

RK: COME ON JASON BAY

WV: Not only is Ponson effective he's become as nimble as a Chinese gymnast. Except he doesn't look 8

RK: I feel there's a Big Lebowski joke here

WV: This game is cruisin', huh?

TOP 8TH, SAME

RK: Man, the universe is really cruisin'. MST3K: The Movie is on HBO on demand. I may have watched it today

WV: I noticed that. I made the mistake of watching The Recruiter last night and was then too depressed to sleep for a good 4 hours thereafter.

RK: JD Drew comes through

WV: I guess both of these teams are just above us in the standings, it's just more natural to hate on the Bitch Sox.

RK: Well sure

WV: 107 pitches. You bring Perkins back in?

RK: ... It's save situation

WV: Fuck you.

BOTTOM 8TH

WV: But I guess Nathan hasn't been used in a while

RK: Oh I-Rod, so far removed from your Texas halcyon

WV: This game was cruising along anyways.

RK: The game is but 2 hours old

WV: Wow a hanging slider and Justin missed it.

RK: A bit surprising

WV: Denard Span = Resourceful

RK: Denard "Eyes" Span

WV: The new Yankees pitcher looks more like someone who'd be my colleague than a baseball player.

RK: And who was holding the ball when that went down? That was a downright Jeterian non-play!

RK: The Pontoon is running ashore!

TOP 9TH, TWINS UP 4

RK: I, for one, am refreshed by Bert's honesty. It makes sense, but Nathan needs the work.

[WV is off to contribute to domestic tranquility]

Guys, please stop talking about who's pitching. Can we focus on how amazing Joseph Q. Nathan is?

Wow.

POSTGAME

I can haz sole pozeshun of first place plz? K thanx, bai.

Or is that meme over? It's been a while

What a good game. I don't want to jump the gun here, but does anybody else feel RAGNAROK?