Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

All the right teams seem to be winning. The Yankees won (did I just type that?), the Rays are on the verge of beating the Azure birds, and the Twins, with a win, can move .5 games back of the Bitch Sox.

Like Fire Joe Morgan, I love Alex Rodriguez. He is an amazing player, and probably the best baseball player in the history of the sport. Anyway, I put my stats geek cap on to show a friend and avid NYY fan that A-Rod does not indeed "suck" and that he is the best ball player in the history of the game, and there's no such thing as "clutch" and stop it with the Jeter worship already. Jeter made a catch and an assist on a weird play to get a slide-averting Jeremy Giambi. So what?

Anyway, tonight will hopefully be the night that Blackburn wins ten. What, you want to watch Obama's speech at the DNC? Please, this is gonna be SO much more interesting.

TOP 1ST

RK: The Rays are about to win. That's good because it lowers the Yankees elimination number. I felt weird hoping they would win today. And the Rays did it

KK: I just feel weird in general , actually. When it comes to who to cheer for and stuff. Yeah. Oh does the instant replay thingy at the twins game?

RK: And in the "second to worst" race between the Mariners and the Nationals, PaB reader and contributor TL will be happy to know that the Nats are pounding the fightin' Torres

KK: Oh this excites me. I bet you they wont use it tonight.

RK: Yeah, they probably won't

KK: I always forget the Nationals are a team. I miss the expos.

RK: I appreciate the Nats on the level that I can actually go to an MLB game at a beautiful park when I'm up in DC

KK: Thats sad such a pretty park yet such a horrible team.

RK: They keep giving Guzman more money, which I don't get

KK: Because he's the best player on that team duh. That doesn't mean hes GOOD.

RK: No uh, they have that one guy... errrr... yeah, I dunno

KK: Yeah the guy whos tall

RK: Dana Eveland? Wasn't she in the short lived Aaron Sorkin dramedy "Sports Night"?

KK: I like-a ta do tha cha-cha. Esp when Span is gracing my television screen. I wish I could hear Bert right now. I'm having blyleven withdrawls.

WV: "Except for Bert Blyleven, they must've all thought it would be freezing, wearing jackets.". The A's announcers know something we don't: Bert's interest in California meteorology.

RK: I am digging this Bert love from the A's guys

WV: Patterson is going to sink this bitch.

RK: I've been to Paterson. It's a piece of shit

KK: Everytime I look up to see the game, the guy awkwardly smiles at me thinking I 'm looking at him. All I know Spanalot is on first.

RK: Oh I've made that mistake before, thinking a girl is checking me out, but she's just watching the bartender twirl bottles. It's awesome. But we'd be here all night if I had to tell all my embarrassing bar stories

KK: I spy with my eye uuullggerrr touching his chest area.

RK: I like this AB by the little sandcastle that could

WV: It's written in the RAGNAROK annals that we are to win this game, since 1/2 a game out is our preferred milieu

RK: Patterson is, so far, one of the victims of the prophecy

KK: Halfsies is the way to go

RK: The time has come for OMG to go yard... Well that'll work too

WV: Well that's a damn shame.

RK: "And the Twins do not score." A familiar refrain

BOTTOM 1ST

KK: Why do I feel as if Blackburn is slowly sucking more and more? Is it just me?

RK: Yes. I still have faith in the dread pirate Blackburn

WV: I do too, but it seems like his good luck is taking a turn towards the law of averages. But uh, Obama just told us that we're not a nation of whiners, so I'll can it.

RK: YES WE CAN

KK: Someone stole my funny bone, and I think it's blackburns pitching.

RK: Yeah, I'm alternating my gaze between this and a roll of packing tape, and both are equally enthralling

KK: frank da tannnnnk. You are old. And he looks very very verrrry angry.

RK: He looks very double play-ey

KK: Or pop up-y

RK: Yeah, replay's a good idea guys, I get it already

WV: TECHNOLOGY! I think on an infield fly call I'd let the ball drop every time, just for shits and giggles.

RK: Science, industry, and technology! See men, turning things! Ad-justing them! Build your own atom storage box! Fits all Snapple lids, bottles or jars, and it really really works

WV: Sweeney: "I'll see your line drive out with RISP and raise you one."

RK: Nibbish, it's true, like T. Hawk, Cammy, DeeJay, and uh... Fei Long, there are newcomers to PaB Sports Media. Incorporated. All Rights Reserved. Void in Utah.

TOP 2ND

RK: I wonder at what point people will tire of my MST3K references

KK: Can I just say I really enjoy hearing australian men say my name? I just want to throw that out there.

RK: Duuuuubious strike call

KK: Wait...the inning is over? WHAT THE....well fiddle my bibbler and call me sanchez!

WV: Sure thing, Kahhhhhleee.

RK: ZZzzzZZZzzz

WV: That's Australian by the way... Aussie rules English

BOTTOM 2ND

KK: SEE, you KNOW the australian accent. kudos. and veggiemite. annnnd..kangaroos. I wish my name was spelt Kahlee.

WV: Hey, just think to yourself: "Yes we can!"

KK: Just because I can hear guys call me that ALL DAY. Im going to change my name like boof did but it sounds sexy.

RK: That reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where the dude rips the heart out the other dude and chants "Kahlima sedide!"

RK: But then, everything reminds me of that.

KK: Oh yeah, Gomey makes my heart skip a beat whenever a ball is hit towards him. I wish there was a pill you could take for that. And why does gomez have a glove on his throwing arm? More...grip?

RK: Nibbish, I kinda miss Telly, Tellying it like it is

WV: So if Oakland gets to send down their outfielder named Carlos, why can't we do the same for our namesake.

RK: Well, Span is already up... so who do you call?

WV: Telly's office has been moved into the basement of the Dome where he's furtively searching for his red stapler.

KK: Telly likes free in and out burger paid for by his best buddie ever dick bremmer. Uh...ghost busters?

WV: Yikes, have to love that 2-seamer.

RK: Is it weird that I remember all 4 Ghostbusters full names?

TOP 3RD

WV: Not at all. Winston was originally supposed to be played by Eddie Murphey, and I'm not saying that because he's...........funny. It's true.

KK: I think it was waaay more weird that you remembered the names from captain planet. But I love you for it, so no. It isnt weird.

RK: Eddie Murphy was pretty funny back in '84 son

WV: Well I was insinuating black. There, I said it.

KK: Pinko the monster .390 avg past ten games is up.

RK: Oh, well not that Ernie Hudson isn't sufficiently funny

KK: That Pinko is somethin' else. And Eddie Murphy would of been better, I'll throw it out there.

RK: But it might have had the same effect Jim Carrey as The Riddler in Batman Forever, where the movie becomes the Eddie Murphy show

RK: I'm pretty sure Eddie Murphy is in the equally awesome Ghostbusters muzak video. I'll watch it during the break WHICH WILL BE SOON BECAUSE OF THE DOUBLE PLAY

BOTTOM 3RD

RK: When you're watching this video, you really believe Ray Parker Jr. when he tells you he ain't fraid of no ghosts

KK: Blackburns awkward approach towards pitching leaves us speechless.

RK: Hm? Oh, I'm watching Ghostbuster videos

KK: I shit you not I glanced up at the tv and thought mauer was pitching. This whole look-a-like thing must stop.

RK: Charlie Murphy is the in Ghostbusters muzak video, so that's good

KK: Thank you Blackburn for sitting that bitch down. now I'll see three of our hitters in a matter of 4 minutes then back to a fun 15 minute sesh with Blackburn.

RK: Done



TOP 4TH

WV: And btw, the elephant in the room is clearly that we haven't discussed Cristian Guzman hitting for the cycle. Next up: A Lohse no-hitter.

RK: A Rivas multi-hit game?

RK: Aflac answer: Eckersly, Oil Can Boyd, Ty Cobb and the Earl of Winchester

WV: Did Nathan? Denny's was pretty close once

RK: Yeah maybe. Not only am I watching the game in the past the audio is a second ahead of the video

WV: Nice

BOTTOM 4TH

RK: I guess I should be happy because this game is going quickly, right?

WV: *yawn* is it the 9th yet?

RK: I like to watch old 20/20s on We (screw you) I giggle when they say "20/20... on We" because i think ennui, and then yes, you're right, that's what 20/20 does

RK: Well slap my ass and call me Judy, the sampler platter is on that list

WV: Well this isn't going well.

RK: Not again guys. I feel like my staying up extra late should be rewarded

KK: I look up twitching thinking I might see nick swishers ugly mug but alas, he isn't on that team anymore.

WV: Well, that web gem was worth seeing despite the run.

KK: I just pissed my pants with excitement.

TOP 5TH, A'S UP 1

KK: Delmon Young looked bewildered right there. I would be too.

RK: I think I'm gonna go to Charlotte this weekend

RK: Nibbish: NO

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

WV: So this is what Sartre was writing about when he penned La Nausee.

Apologies to WV and KK, I just didn't feel like transcribing this half inning. I'll do better from now on

TOP 6TH, SAME

RK: Is Bert talking about the foul territory at the Coliseum yet?

KK: I can see gomez saying this quote from the big lebowski "You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up" Oh I bet he has.

WV: Quick, someone tell Span to steal 2nd before we hit into a DP.

KK: Hahaha, Casilla says "double this"

RK: Thank you, A's defense

KK: Or lack thereof

KK: I think Joe Mauer is still growing. I think I come up to his knee cap if I'm not mistaken.

RK: He eats more calories/day than Michael Phelps to keep his sideburns strong

WV: No Nibbish, don't you dare say it

KK: Was that a double steal? What did I miss whilst I was giggling away by your phelps comment.

RK: Yeah, double steal, and Rob Bowen (former Twin!) couldn't make a strong enough (Mauerian?) throw

RK: OK Doctor Neau, if there ever was a time

WV: But to prove that he could throw it to 3rd if he wanted to, he tried to get Span the next pitch.

KK: Bwa-ah-ah-ah. One RBI. ah ah ah...two RBI ah ah ah. three RBI ah ah ah four RBI ah ah ah. I'm hinting for a Morneau grand slammy.

KK: Now we have a game my friends.

RK: You gotta take what you can get

WV: True, but in the words of Black Flag, gimme gimme gimme, I need some more.

RK: And in the words of Eddie Murphy, my girl likes to party all the time, party all the time party all the tiiiiiime

BOTTOM 6TH, TIED AT 1

WV: I see what the WWL in food is doing by putting food detectives next to good eats, but I'm not fooled.

RK: I feel like I should like that show. I keep trying. It just sucks

RK: Oh my stars, the Coors Light Freeze Cam is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen

WV: A replay opportunity? No

KK: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again

WV: An interesting strike zone, I must say.

KK: It is all over the place

RK: The K-zone is certainly Joe Morgan's favorite word

KK: Welcome to the K-zone. Pinkos are welcome.

WV: It's called the warning track because after pitches like that you say to Blackburn, "hey! watch the fuck out!"

KK: Yeah that ball hung in the air way too long, I almost tipped over my water with no ice.

RK: No. I refuse to accept this reality

KK: I told you. Now I need to pillage someones village. Argh.

WV: No need to accept what you saw, it's the world of appearances deceiving you.

RK: This isn't rational, and the real is the rational :. this isn't real

WV: This ghostbusters video is super rad, by the way.

KK: You're confusing me so much I don't even know where I am anymore. Sampler Platter to save the day.

WV: I aint afraid of no ghosts, but I am terrified of Ray Parker, Jr.

KK: I am also terrified of boof bonser warming up.

TOP 7TH A'S UP 1 AGAIN

WV: Spencer's Gifts took their interior decorating cue from the funky house in this video.

RK: "Delmon Young swings at the first pitch" Well... duh

KK: Nice one sweeney todd. DLM YNG.

RK: Well at least Harris moved Young over

KK: Uh, where was that pitch supposed to go? That was twice the height of Pinko... Pinko power!

RK: My late night may be salvaged yet! I'm so old. I go to bed at 11 and get up with the sun and then eat my cereal and read the paper

KK: HUSTLE! Oh wow, he slides into Australia like a godess.

RK: Stone Cold will knock him in

KK: At least we are tied, thanks to that super cute short guy.....ya know the one with the bunny teeth? Big ears? Could have been a extra in lord of the rings? Yeah him.

BOTTOM 7TH, TIED AT 2

WV: Being the answer to an Aflca trivia question has to be one of the career highs on the back of Dennys' Topps card.

RK: Also "Looks like Eddie Guardado"

RK: Aaaand my feed went out

WV: Feed stop working:: Boof Bonser enters game :: Boof Bonser is unwatchable.

RK: That is rock solid logic

KK: Wow, Boof did work

RK: And my feed came back

TOP 8TH, SAME

RK: This looks like a good time to strike at this point in the order

RK: Not strike out Lexi

KK: Mauers bunt looked like when I played tee ball.

WV: Some Mauer Pauer would be welcome, and due.

RK: A man who's 10 feet tall should not be bunting

KK: Nice OBP, M&M boys

RK: Morneau best hit one out the park

ALL: (redacted)

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

RK: And to think I could be up in Boston at the APSA convention. No, wait, even this is better than that

WV: That was on the Cust of...being outta here.

RK: Ha! Cheap haircuts at Super Cust

WV: Right, in no way was that a Cust-om fly ball.

KK: Yeah, I was close to spitting out my water. When he hit it a piece of my heart broke off. Boof is professor coldheart.

RK: Is Cust our new Garko?

WV: He is, by vote of acclamation.

RK: THE NOMINEE FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE RYAN GARKO NAME PUNNING SOCIETY

RK: Dude, Boof is c-c-c-c-coming like a nightmare

TOP 9TH, SAME

RK: Jason Kubel: ballgame... er, well, that didn't go according to plan

WV: Delmon pretending to bunt is like me acting like I speak quechua.

RK: Psh, I can speak quecha

KK: Every time Delmon bunts an angel loses its wings, a kitten dies, and I guess he eventually gets walked.

RK: I'll take that tradeoff

WV: I wonder if Rob Bowen is feeling at all disrespected this evening. I guess we won't know until Randy Ruiz tries to steal and Bowen makes a beeline for Gardy's head.

RK: We'll never know now that Ruiz is out the game

RK: Never fear, Punto, the RBI machine, is on deck

KK: Oh yes he is. He hits singles like...........*pause* or just hit into a double play.

RK: Oh this is some bullshit

BOTTOM 9TH, SAME

KK: They are giving me heart burn aghhhhh.

WV: Why does Breslow get the call and not Guardado.

KK: See that douchebag in the background with sunglasses on? Of course he's a damn A's fan.

RK: Breslow calling for the catcher does not instill a great deal of confidence

KK: Oh, so you put in CRAIN!?

RK: Should I just go to bed now?

WV: Gardy, tell me tell me what you're after. I just wanna get there faster.

RK: Jesus, a Siva reference. Now that's going back 1991 style

KK: Gardy is just as confusing as.....saying the alphabet backwards balancing on a grain of rice.

RK: Nibbish, I can't think of anything that would make me want to eat at BK, so maybe they're just going for broke

RK: Brown so went on that pitch

WV: That about sums it up. Get out of my head! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

KK: Fuck!

RK: I'm too tired to be mad

WV: Say what you will about Breslow and Crain, we need more than 2 runs in 9 innings.