Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

Hooray old-ass internet memes! Seriously though, the Twins have been leaving a lot of men on the bases, they could claim ownership of them. But they need to remember that they're merely supposed to spend a little time on them, and then go home!

I'm foaming at the mouth, champing (that's right, champing, not chomping - look it up) at the bit, fidgeting at the quick, and making shit up - let's go!

TOP 1ST

DK: Dude, just saw a guy in a Radke jersey. My day is complete

TB: I see Slowey does not believe in the superstition...blue uniforms tonight.

DK: Slowey using Gilette Fusion to shave the corner tonight. That and giving to his outfielders equally

BOTTOM 1ST

TB: Cabrera doesn't quite have the Span for that. Bahahaha

DK: New drinking game. Take a drink every time Bert (or Dick) says the word "utilize"

DK: Mauer's due

TB: Not until the 7th inning, at least

DK: Having pitched to Mauer, it should be no surprise to me that he takes a strike and then hits one a million feet...

RK: Bert is prescient, noting Griffey is not playing Mauer well enough in Center. As much as we enjoy his off the cuff remarks, it's good to remember occasionally this dude knows baseball

TB: Quite true.

DK: Translation: Griffey is geriatric

RK: Hahaha, Bert on Griffey: "As good a center fielder as he was..."

TOP 2ND, CWS 0 MIN 1

TB: In the spirit of smart pitchers - Apparently Slowey did a 1420 on his SATs and went to Winthrop. That and he can hit the strike zone like nobody's business

RK: Psh, Big dea. Craig Breslow went to YALE. In case you didn't know. Because he did. Go to Yale.

TB: I think that was mentioned yesterday, in fact

RK: Well I'll be

TB: I wonder if they get together on Saturdays and have tea and talk about the last Stephen Hawking novel

RK: Or that collider thing in Europe that's going to envelope the Earth in a black hole and end reality

TB: Oh yeah, that

DK: QTF, ump

RK: Dick: Scott Baker did a great job two nights ago, Nick Blackburn... held his own

DK: Dick's having a Slowgasm

RK: How tantric

BOTTOM 2ND, SAME

TB: News flash - Fox finds replacement for Yankee game

RK: Wow, I bet that's never happened before.

TB: Although apparently Bert is joining them for the game. Twins and Royals. Good deal for the Royals. In other news, Buscher strikes out swinging

DK: Time for a CarGo bunt double

RK: Jim H, none of us are watching the Hawk, but he's either still bitching about Gomez at second or telling J-Dye, his "buddy" that he needs a double

DK: How come Punto never steals anymore?

RK: Good question. I suppose with 2 outs, he's waiting to see where the AB goes? Maybe?

TB: I mean, he's so used to sliding headfirst anyway

RK: But only into first

TB: F7

RK: oooook. Laurel, I'll check it out! If you want to join the liveblog here, we'd be happy to have you

TOP 3RD, SAME

TB: Yay Slowey

RK: Slowey gin fizz, I'm falling in love

TB: I'm Kevin Slowey, and I approve this strikeout

TB: Why, Mr. Owl!

RK: Owls are assholes

DK: Can't Morneau just cross-check AJ?

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

SS: OMG it's nice to see the Twins with a lead... and with OMG up to bat

RK: Boy, at least this ump is not calling the inside half of the plate consistently. I keep hearing about how Mauer just jacks homer after homer in BP. I'd like to see one right about now. But I'll take that.

SS: or, barring that, I'd settle for a single

TB: 'twould be nice, it would also make the Dome explode from the squeals of women

RK: But let's be honest, the squealing happens when he takes off his catcher's mask

SS: did Ron Coomer and John Kruk get separated at birth?

RK: Yeah, now Mauer's in your head, Gavin! Morneau leads the AL in RBI and RNBI. Not to harp on it

TOP 4TH, SAME

RK: Kevin Slowey, I'm gonna buy you a pizza

RK: Never mind

SS: shit. Is Slowey operating on some sort of reverse psychology program or something?
just too shy to accept praise for his pitching ability? Because I can be mean to him if that's what will work

RK: That kind of attitude goes over really well in the upper midwest. Totes the next coming of Radke. Sweet Evil Jesus

SS: damnit, GoGo, get away from my boyfriend

RK: Slowey will buckle down here. He will. I must believe this

WV: I think Coomer's right about the noise but let's be clear: There were never 45,000 fans at any of the games he played in at the Dome.

RK: Pat Mears wasn't that big of a draw, it's true

WV: Maybe on Scott Stahoviak bobblehead night.

RK: Damn blast hell spite bile and acrimony

SS: can we get one of the ear bud things for Slowey like newscasters wear, so that he can have Bert giving him advice from the booth? that wouldn't be cheating, would it?

TB: They should work out hand signals

DK: argh...anger salad. I step away to take a phone call and all hell and damnation breaks loose

RK: There is a chasm opening in front of me

SS: this is where I start to get worried about what I'm doing wrong to bring about this chain of event

DK: I was talking to my former boss, which I think brought on bad karma

RK: I still believe in the karmic power of the baseball gods, who will punish Ozzie for whining about Blackburn not pitching well last night

DK: I don't know whether to be chuckling that it hit him, or mad at Slowey for loading the bases

SS: hmm, if it was anyone other than AJ, I'd say the latter

TB: Criminy, this inning is still going?

DK: ANGER SALAD

SS: oh shit, the future does not look good

WV: He's either hurt or bawling about literally throwing away the post-season.

TB: No bueno, no bueno

SS: ok, how can we fix this, folks? I still have faith in them, but obviously I have pissed of the baseball gods in some way

RK: I... I'm rarely speechless. Yet. I... oh dear.

TB: Well this really conflicts with my interest in Care Bears

SS: as long as you still believe in Scooby Doo, as Shaggy is now pitching for us

TB: Zoinks!

RK: I can't get over that because of Gomer and Span running into each other, the Bitch Sox score 5 runs and Slowey leaves hurt. That, my friends, is the butterfly effect

BOTTOM 4TH, WHITE SOX UP 5, LOVE IS OVER

WV: Most of this year they've made us forget that they're a young team, unfortunately a bout of immaturity precipitated this melt down.

SS: wow, a stupid question from soneone in St. Cloud? I don't believe it

DK: for those of us who are minus FSN, what was it?

DK: "Right Wrist Contusion" for Slow Ride, sez the medical expertz

SS: "what are the different scenarios for the Twins concerning the post season"

RK: Yeah, I can answer that: win or you're done

WV: Haha, that's a ridiculous question.

WV: *I guess* there's plenty of time to mount a comeback. Heat of the moment, I became quite the cynic.

DK: I hope. signs you're hopeless: "Punto has been the Twin's everyday shortstop for basically the last month"

SS: haha "sweet nothings." how risque, Bert

DK: RALLY!

RK: I hope Gomer swings out of his shoes

DK: Gomez went XXXtra bases

RK: Talk about risque!

WV: The real crime of the evening is that all of Slow Ride's runs are earned since they didn't give Span an error. Floyd thinks to himself, "I can't wait to be the next Joe Blanton"

DK: well we have this going for us: Twins are 1-0 when their starter leaves due to bodily harm from a line drive this season

RK: Oooh, a little anxious there, huh D'Nard?

SS: come on, boyfriend Span! keep this inning rolling

DK: FAAAAAAAIR BALL!!!!

RK: Oh I'm feeling this. Did I just inadvertently reference a Sum 41 song?

TB: And the legend lives on.

DK: i think it was Blink-182...

WV: RAGNAROK

RK: DK, same thing, right?

DK: Pretty much

WV: Speaking of Blink, Span sprinted to 2nd like his pants were on fire.

WV: Too soon?

DK: Little bit

SS: even though it was only a double, that was worthy of the Homer Hanky

RK: No such thing as too soon, my friend

DK: OK inching back

TOP 5TH, TWINS DOWN ONLY 3, LOVE IS REVIVED?

WV: Our much maligned bullpen will have to come through again.

RK: How many pitches has Gavin Rossdale thrown? Just curious

RK: Well balls.

[nobody is saying anything because we're all in such rapt anticiptation. Or getting various kinds of antacids]

DK: Strikes, Shaggy. Strikes.

RK: Hahaha, Gardy's stomping around the dugout. I feel you, buddy

WV: Gavin: 75 pitches. I just read something about Cliff Lee skipping his start against the Bitch Sox. What gives?

DK: Sandcastle crumbling on us here...

RK: At... least he... got... one?

DK: That was a tailor-made double play until it hit the bargain rack at Kohl's...

RK: This game is giving me a headache

SS: let's hope Moons Over My-Hammie can get it done for us

DK: Y'know, we have Perkins, we have Dennys, can we name GoGo IHOP considering that's what he does every time he throws one into the infield ?

RK: That's a really good point

DK: WHIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

WV: With Moons over Mijares emerging, I wonder if they'll let Reyes walk this offseason.

RK: Don't fret, Griffey, you still have your Social Security check coming this month

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

WV: If the score were 3-0 right now, I wouldn't feel desperation, so that's how I'm going to think about it.

RK: Yeah, just push it out of your mind that, at worst, the score should be 3-2

RK: I'm gonna give Telly 100 lottery tickets if he can say a single sentence without botching it

RK: OK Justin, act the MVP

WV: That...was the pitch.

RK: I need to go get a mouthguard so I don't break my teeth grinding them

DK: J-Dye FAIL

SS: it's ok, Em Vee Pee. We could certainly use your help, but we can do it without you, too

DK: OK, so two on base

DK: Dare I say I smell a Three-Run-Jack from Thr Rn Jck?

RK: If it's going to happen, it'll happen on the first pitch

SS: can Mournie and Kubey run as a ticket for MVP?

RK: Yeah, they're very yin and yang, aren't they?

DK: Dlmn swngs t th frst ptch

SS: Kubey can be MViceP. I guarantee he'd be able to beat Sarah Palin in a debate

TB: I thought runner-up was reserved for all of the schmucks that vote for A-Rod every year

RK: If this is what Dlmn's going to look like under pressure...

DK: Dmn t Dlmn

RK: Don't worry, there are RISP, BBuscher will get a double

WV: How iconic of Dlmon's season.

RK: He's just too damn excitable

DK: Aargh, warning track power from Buscher

TOP 6TH, SAME

DK: Boof, repeat after me...shutout ball

TB: Call strikes, you idiot!

DK: whew

WV: It's Boof's audition to sign a minor league contract somewhere, maybe even with us.

DK: pitcher gets hit, infielder throws wild...same sequence, different outcome

WV: If only Slowey were padded with Flubber.......

RK: The old 1-5-3 putout

SS: this is obviously a sign we need to fatten up the rest of the pitchers that haven't done so themselves

RK: Yeah, take note Tim Lincecum, it's only a matter of time until someone hits you and explodes you to pieces

DK: Tim Lincecum is the man. proof that a midget can throw 98

RK: Too bad we couldn't have traded a backup catcher for him

DK: somewhere, Brian Sabean is sitting cackling "Fool me once, shame on you..."

RK: "Fool me twice and oh yeah I'm Brian Sabean"

WV: And J.P. Riccardi is saying, "Why didn't I trade Alex Rios for Lincecum last season! And, God I hate Adam Dunn."

RK: Dick needs to tighten up his terminology. I assume a "popped up" means it's catchable. If he said "fouled back" I wouldn't feel disappointed when it goes out of play

DK: And Bill Smith is saying "Damn trade deadline why must you sneak up on me so fast!"

TB: AAHH

WV: Any thoughts on Uribe's facial hair?

DK: Boof: Here's what I think of your blonde soul patch, bitch!

SS: I was just thinking about what vile thing I could compare it to, WV

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

SS: I still think it looks like they tried to dye their hair with Country Time, like how my friends and I attempted to dye our hair with Kool-Aid when we were younger

WV: Haha, that's classic. Now, if we called Uribe Country Time from here on out, you'd see first hand how our nonsensical nicknames for people are created.

DK: W00t, Triple times 2 for Gomez

SS: Hippety Hop, iHop!

TB: But he can't do it alone

RK: The Stone Cold Killer will come through

WV: I hope these are signs of progress, if he could pick it up next year, the top of our lineup would be ridiculous.

SS: my boyfriend needs a homer to help IHOP finish his cycle

RK: This has to be Floyd's last inning too. I'd love for the boys to get into the Bitch Sox pen

DK: ok, within 2, productive out by D'Nard. Mauer Pauer would be OMG here

DK: BRING ON MATT THORNTON!

RK: Hell yes, like a Beck song, Casilla's beat is correct

TB: Bwahahaha, we knocked Gavin out

RK: laurel, that's why I offered, it's a bet I can't lose! Telly saying a sentence intact is about as likely as a Tyner home run!

SS: I'm turnin' it on, I'm workin' my legs

RK: I hope OMG's beat is correct

WV: This is RAGNAROK running its course

DK: 3-3 for OMG. 4-4 with a HR would be awesome sauce

DK: Or a 4-6-3. With 2 outs

TB: JYNXED IT

TOP 7, TWINS DOWN 2

RK: There's an umpire camp going on in Compton? WV and I once wandered into Compton, and unless shit's really changed in the last 8 years, I would not recommend this

SS: alright, Crainadian, lock this down like you don't want your bike stolen

DK: is he wearing the Kryptonite lock?

WV: Compton didn't seem to be too high on figures of authority, so umpiring would seem to be a bad line of work.

TB: Maybe that's where this guy went to learn

RK: WV and I have jointly experienced some of the seediest cities in our fair country. Compton, Detroit, Newark. Coincidence? Well yes, actually

TB: Gary, Indiana?

WV: Oh yeah, and Moorhead. That's right, I went there

RK: It's a beautiful day for a double play

RK: Hey, it's Craig Breslow! He went to Yale, I think. Can someone confirm this?

TB: I concur

SS: I may have heard, once, that was the case

TB: To wikipedia I go

DK: yaargh...they're letting Crainadian pitch to Thome?

RK: I like that better than Guadardo, not gonna lie

WV: That complaint about pitching to Thome was prescient.

RK: Now just get Konerko, or as Hawk would call him, Paulie. Because they play basketball on the weekend and stuff

TB: Breslow was captain of the Yale University baseball team. Wikipedia says it, it's true.

RK: Was he a Bonesman?

WV: Stealing 3rd? That's what we do!

TB: Does not say, RK

SS: Course not. It's a secret

WV: I think Ozzie's rant on Blackburn could be equally applied to Floyd tonight, but..that probably won't happen.

SS: maybe Crain's necklace is some oversized version of something a kid would make at summercamp as an arts and crafts project

WV: I think that's spot on.

DK: *mentally strangles Mike Reilly*

WV: Or some hippy dippy crap a junkie would sell on Haight St. in front of my apartment.

TB: C'mon Crain

WV: "Why, yes, I do also sell incense."

RK: Beauty, eh?

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

WV: Woohoo! WaMu just failed. Thank goodness for baseball.

SS: Woo Cuddy! sad, I didn't even have time to say how I wanted him to get a hit

WV: I thought to myself, "not likely that Cuddy will beat this one out..."

RK: THE SYSTEM IS DOWN Dlmn did not swing at first pitch! THE SYSTEM IS DOWN

TB: Ohhh...the system. Wiight.

WV: If tradition holds, he'll hit a meaningless 2-out single to maintain his average.

TB: No, that looked about right

TOP 8TH, SAME

WV: It's funny, albeit stereotypical, that many of the wannabe umps have pot bellies.

RK: There's no baseball equivalent to Dick Bavetta. Or Ed Hochuli. Well, except some umps do make shitty calls

TB: Hard to argue with that guy and his guns, though

SS: Mournie's pretty good at reading off cue cards. I think he has a future in CTV after his career is over

RK: The Bratz doll is up... and out

TB: Damn right he went

RK: I feel like... Gardy's going to do something... unconventional in the next inning. Like lift Punto for Neverhit or something kinda ridics

DK: AJ lacks Breslow's Ivy League charisma

TB: AJ lacks preschool charisma, DK. And what the heck is that banging noise.

DK: WHIFFFFFFF. That's right, AJ. Sit down, bitch

TB: Now then

BOTTOM 8TH, SAME

TB: So apparently the local business commercials in Grand Forks are as bad as they were in Rochester. Terrible acting, terrible editing, terrible writing. And there's another o-- nope, that's Telly

DK: Grand Forks is just Rochester with fewer people and more airplanes... Harris, Punto, GoGo...I bet that strikes fear into Matt Thornton

TB: HARRIS

DK: Way to spite me, Harris

TB: Harris wins back my official status of favorite player

WV: Projectiles shot at your head? Now that they teach in Compton.

TB: Fuck, well that's a sacrifice anyway

DK: Jenks coming on

SS: triple triple!

RK: The boys need to hit this guy hard. This move by Ozzie reeks of desperation, and surely the boys can smell that

DK: GO GO GO GO GO

TB: YEEEEEAH

DK: well, clearly Jenks has no control tonight

SS: let's play a game of who can hit the ball furthest

RK: The urge to give in to short-range RAGNAROK is strong, but soft! I must resist

DK: RAGNAROK!!!! Triples Galore!

TB: Squeeze play DO IT

RK: THIS TEAM IS FULL OF FUCK LIONS

SS: I love when the future has good news! and I love my boyfriend!

TB: Naaa, no good on the squeeze. Just hit the ball far

SS: Damn Lexi

TB: Argh

DK: Clutch situation for OMG

TB: Clutch situation for Jenks

DK: aaand Guillen out to discuss strategery

TB: Mauer O Morneau?

DK: Walk 'em both to get to Cuddy

TB: See ball. Hit ball.

RK: How can OMG keep his cool like this?

DK: Mauer...these groundout antics to the right side annoy me

RK: Oh, if only the squeeze play would have worked

TOP 9TH, TIED AT 6

DK: speaking of crap facial hair, a Nick Swisher sighting

TB: Lots of twitching to be had

DK: OMG don't do this to me...

WV: Now Span--he sports Fucklion facial hair

TB: and Fucklion clutchiness

DK: TB, what's the official algorithm for Nathan and baserunners in a non-save sit?

TB: 1-2-3 and away. Though it's mostly unproven

RK: Dick, shut your mouth about Swishers home runs vs. the MNTwins this year

TB: come ON

DK: apparently talk radio 1310 KNOX in Grand Forks is employee owned and operated

RK: Workers of Grand Forks Unite!

DK: y'know, Gordo's emphatic "SWIIIING and miss!" will never get old. beats the crap out of "He gone!" anyday...

WV: His manner of turning "swing" into a diphthong should be trademarked.

DK: speaking of strikeouts 

TB: Sit your ass down

RK: Hahaha, Alfonso Marquez threw his hands up because the bitch wouldn't go sit down

DK: dos outs

TB: TWO

SS: that was brilliant. Even Marquez knows Swishie is an asshole

DK: that's his name, SS...Asshole. Major Asshole.

TB: Whiff. Picked a helluva a game to say "I have an exam tomorrow", DK

DK: don't remind me...I'm attempting to study as we speak. Goddamn academia in the midst of RAGNAROK

RK: Glad WV and I dragged you all into it too

DK: Cargo has to the the MVP of this game. IHOP iDive

BOTTOM 9TH, STILL TIED

RK: Morneau, c'mere a sec. I know we've been ragging on you here. But you've been coming up small. If you hit one out the park, it's all forgotten, and even Peter King will vote for you on that MVP ballot. Now get out there.

DK: and frankly, hitting the walk-off to reclaim first place would be dead sexy... le sigh

RK: Cuddy can still do it

DK: Cuddy has to get a hit sometime...right?

TB: *Ahem*

DK: QTF is up with this strike zone, Mike Reilly?

TB: At the ankles is not a strike, ump

RK: Well shit

SS: thanks for nothing, Cuddles

DK: El bonus beisbol

RK: Ugh

TOP 10TH, SAME

RK: I feel like we're pressing our bullpen luck here. Especially with the CWS big guys coming up. Here's to hoping

DK: sit down J-Dye. Quit your bitching

RK: The umping has been consistently bad, pal

RK: Range for days: Nick Punto

SS: Pinko is like "look at the lengths I will go to to help this team win"

RK: Thank you for swinging Paulie

TB: Harris, Punto, Gomez

RK: angryscott, WV and I are from Fargo, so we take jabs at GF, sure. And laurel... word.

SS: all that waving of the arms by IHOP and he still almost gets run into by Span.

BOTTOM 10TH, SAME

SS: seriously, knock Jenks all around the park and tell him to sit down

RK: Pitching from the stretch would do wonders for our chances here

TB: THREEEE and OH

DK: with Gomez on deck

SS: a magical night at the Dome should at least involve Cuddy and a deck of cards, Dick

RK: OK, just need a single from D'Nard

SS: alright, boyfriend, make my night!

DK: w00t - bounce another one and let's go home!

DK: FIRST PLACE BITCHES!

RK: bounce another one and let's go home!

DK: EFFING RAGNAROK

SS: Hooray!

TB: SANDCASTLE FTW!

SS: Thank you, Lexi!

RK: I'M GONNA GO RUN THROUGH A BRICK WALL

DK: MY HEAD A'SPLODE

POSTGAME

SS: I love when major leaguers act like little leaguers!

RK: Can anybody understand Cargo right now?

SS: translation: YAY!

RK: God damn I feel good. I should be ashamed how much my mental well-being is tied to the fate of this team

TB: myself as well

DK: Yeah, no kidding

SS: luckily you have us likeminded folk to keep you company.

DK: thankfully it's not to emo levels, else I would have been cutting myself during the assbullpen month of August

RK: And now, I can speak for everybody, Go Tribe!

TB: Sandcastle, I'm sorry I doubted you.