Tuesday, September 23, 2008




Before we get to the blogging in[s]anity, just a couple of things.

Gwenyth Paltrow has a blog for women (or something) called Goop. Goop. Seriously, go to goop.com, but not now, because we have better things to do.

Also, the world around us in the financial sector is turning into nightmare hellscape of unparalleled horrors. Good luck finding jobs, ye who read us in college!

Yes. So, those of you who haven't had the good sense to abandon this blog may be familiar with the principle of RAGNAROK, that the Twins will lead us to a glorious end of times where the baseball gods are finally at peace and we reach the end of history, apologies to Francis Fukuyama.

And this maybe was going to be the case in 2006, right? The amazing comeback to win the division, going 22-1 in interleague play or whatever the hell it was, hey things were awesometime.

And then Frank Thomas hit a dinger off of Johan and all was lost.

So RAGNAROK didn't come to pass, and WV and I decided that we needed to have a long-range conception of RAGNAROK, that this doesn't all come in one fell swoop, but the return to baseball glory and ultimate appeasement of the baseball gods is an ongoing process, to be led by small market teams like the Twins, A's, etc.

What does this mean now? The Twins need to sweep. At worst go 2-1 against the CWS and hope the Tribe remains the best team in baseball in September. We can pull, root, and pray if that's your thing, but we can't lose our collective minds here. Keep in mind that this season, no matter what happens in the next week is a success. Who thought the Twins could contend this year? Who thought they could keep it so close for 155 games? The emergence of the young starters is exciting, and reminds me of the 2001 team of Milton, Mays, the emergence of Lohse and even the quintessential veteran held together by Gorilla Glue Rick Reed was doing well.

Maybe RAGNAROK will have to be delayed a bit. Maybe they don't quite have what it takes to make it this year. But things look good for next year, don't they? The team BA with RISP will probably never be equalled, and that was probably a bit of a fluke this season, but I like the way this team is going.

And if, dear readers, if the Twins don't make it, I think we can all agree; then we hope the Rays stampede through the playoffs and finally bring a championship home to all 8 people in Florida who give a shit.

WV's classes finally started because Stanford has a weird academic calendar. He has a night class, but will join when he gets home.

THIS IS AN OPEN CALL. I want to hear from all of you. If you're reading this blog and want to contribute, and I mean directly contribute, email me (there's a link somewhere on the left side) with your AIM name, and I'll invite you to the PAB chatroom. I have final editorial control though, because I have a God Complex. Join the fun! This game needs to be fun. I need all the help I can get.

Let's just try to enjoy this, shall we?


Oh I could have sworn that was strike 3 against Pierzynski, but what do I know? I'm not behind the dish.

Baker is making me crazy. Yes, every Twin tonight must be a fuck lion. Uh... search in Deadspin for the concept of Marquees Slocum's Fuck Lion


I'm having a hard time watching this. I'm so excited. Seriously, I feel like I did right before that first time you make out with somebody

And it's like oh they go down in order. What? Yes.


Single by Thome, it's ok, it's ok. He's just a double play waiting to happen, right? Who's up next? Konerko. Yes. Right? What is the matter with me? My pulse is racing like that dude I saw last night on TLC who was like 800 pounds.

"Even Ken Griffey Jr." Bert, dude's like 38. Hasn't been non-injured since 1998. If you say he's old nobody's going to question that.

Yes Bert, thank you for pointing out that the dude in the stands who got that foul ball gave it to a kid. Would this happen in Yankee Stadium? No.


OK, the Bitch Sox score, but two outs for a run isn't bad after some lucky hitting. And I feel the meat of our lineup will get to Vazquez. Oh yes, Javier. Ozzie was right about you. You're not a big game pitcher.

Excellent pitch to put the sorta can't put your finger on it odd looking Alexi Ramirez to go to 1-2



Because of MLB.tv's Mosaic, I missed Telly's intro back into the game. Too bad, Telly! I got other things on my mind!

Yes, the Vazquez implosion begins. Now Jason Kubel will deposit this ball over the baggie. It has been written!

I'm going to collapse. I seriously need to remember to breathe.

JASON KUBEL IS A FUCK LION AND I WAS LIKE WHOA PRESCIENT. I love when I make a call and it's right.

THIS JUST IN: Delmon Young swings at a first pitch.

BBuscher gets out because Young wasn't at second. Seriously, he's only magical when there's a RISP

Excellent job, Young, keep the double play out of order, and let the runners move up. AJ and Uribe have no idea what they're doing down there. They apparently didn't wath Luis Mendoza in the Sandlot for how to do a rundown.

A single by the Stone Cold Killer would make me extremely happy.

Well... there's a lead. I'll take that.


My face is flushed, why, I do believe I have come down with the vapors.

Get the smelling salts!

Two Alex[e]is in one game. The only other Alexi I had ever heard of was a Romanov. We watched some movie in tenth grade about that family and he was a hemophiliac and he sang a song that went something like Alexi-ay alexi-ay, mustn't run and mustn't play.

The end.

Haha, when OMG throws his mask off, the ump catches it, because he's the golden child. But I guarantee that when he gave it back to Joe, he said thank you, blue.

We're still booing Pierzynksi? Really? The guy we traded away like 5 years ago for 2 All-Stars?

So far so good from Baker. Maybe a little more economic-like in the pitch department from here on out, but I like what I'm seeing.


That was a forgettable AB, wasn't it Sandcastle?

A-bugabuahblah that. Oh dear.


Yeah, let's find Telly Hughes. Where are you, Telly?

"A former Bear, now a Viking, who you rooting for?" Oh who gives a shit.


Oh hey Joe Boadus is in the stands, what do you think about life and the meaning of everything?

Nice grab by the sandcastle!


I'm pleased to be joined by loyal reader Stacey!

SS: I'm seriously feeling the 2006 vibes

RK: Let's hope so


RK: The Pride of Belle Fourche!

SS: "nothing better than a triple", Bert? I beg to differ, but I'll take it

RK: Delmon Young swing and a miss on the first pitch? If I didn't know any better, I'd say a pattern is developing here...

SS: Love that, Dick just invented the collective cycle. Not as rare, I don't think.

RK: Ha, probably not, but between Cargo and me, we have a cycle

SS: oh, this is so much better than teaching undergrads about the Leviathan

RK: And Bert just mentioned one of my favorite players ever, Roger Maris. This is awesometime. Oh God you poor thing. I just got done with Fukuyama and the advent of neoliberalism

SS: Oy, that doesn't sound much better. But at least you don't have to rely on the ability of 19 year-olds to grasp the concept of the state of nature


SS: You warm my heart, little Nicky Punto! Now for a homer, then we can have a collective cycle just in this inning

RK: How proletarian!

SS: I have my 2003 Homer Hanky on the wall of my office, right next to me. If we score another run this inning, I'm taking it down and running down the hall with it

RK: I've been prancing around my apartment off and on. I'd understand. There's only one out? I lost track.

SS: YES!!!

RK: Loyal PAB Reader W lives below me in this building. He probably just heard that shout. My apologies

SS: That's nothing. there is a grad class going on across the hall from me. I shut the door, but I doubt that helped much.

RK: You take your obsession to work? Dangeresque!

SS: I'm a daredevil. Just call me Evel Stacenevel

TB: O hai!

RK: Hey TB

SS: BTW, I'm totally ok with the booing AJ forever thing. some grudges are just more fun to hold after they become obsolete.

RK: Hey, I get it, I still hate Chuck Knoblauch, but I'm over AJ. Maybe it's because he was my then-girlfriend's favorite Twin and (not so secret) crush


TB: Me three by the way about the AJ stuff. Just don't throw hot dogs at him like we did with Charles

RK: I threw a hot dog at Chuck. When I was young and impulsive. Which means 18 and drunk.

SS: oh, hello Scotty. I forgot about that whole defense side of the game for a bit there.

RK: WHAT BAKER STILL HAS TO PITCH? Oh. Don't let them back in this, Scotty

SS: do I smell a triple play?

RK: That would be more delicious than what AB makes on Good Eats night after night

TB: Delmon makes a routine fly ball look so positively intriguing. "Oh...maybe he won't...oh...WHEW. Got it"

RK: He's just doing the locomotion, like the song suggests. He's gotta swing his hips a little more

SS: damn, no triple play. suppose I'll settle for getting the inning over without giving up any runs

RK: Ha, that would be the next best thing. A ground ball right at Punto would just be the berries

KK: Sweet baby, OMG

RK: Ball down, Baker, induce the DP! Errr, yeah

KK: It's an official blogging orgy huh?

RK: I don't have the constitution to do this without some support

TB: Doesn't an orgy need 7? or 8? or I dunno, this is cool. Denardo says "Yeah. YEAH. You just try and run on me."

KK: Anything more than 3 is an orgy in my mind.

RK: I suppose we all have our own personal orgy threshold

KK: Bases loaded, and the worlds biggest douchebag is up to bat. I went there.

SS: I read once somewhere that MN doesn't allow sex between an odd number of people, but apparently even numbers are cool. though I suppose we're in interweb land so that shouldn't matter

TB: It appears they are having a "what should we pitch him" orgy. I vote nothing he can hit

KK: I bet internet sex is highly frowned upon in all 50 states. Just hit him, for my amusement.

TB: I was thinking that, only it would kinda/sorta give him an RBI.

SS: oooh, that's tempting

TB: No no, on the other hand. Making him look like an idiot = priceless

KK: Baker is making me all...bothered and slightly luke warm.

KK: I want to strike him out so I can further lose my voice. (thank you valley fair.)

SS: seriously, is AJ's hair the color of Country Time lemonade, or is that just me?

KK: NOW we has an orgy. OMG. I just almost threw up. Thank you Punto for being a smooth criminal.

DK: Nicky unleashes the howitzer masquerading as his right arm there...

KK: <--I'll never be able to drink country time lemonade anymore. I bet his hair tastes like stetson, seagrams and slutty piece of whore trash.

TB: Country Time pink lemonade has lost no points with me

DK: What about mother's day when the Bitch Sox all dyed their hair pink. Or have you forgotten about that?

TB: I had forgotten, oh thank you so much


DK: Richard, Clayton now pitching for the Sox

SS: never trust a man with two first names

DK: Welcome to the ballgame Clayton Richard, now let us inflate your ERA a bit

KK: OMG, omg'ed all over the dome for a single.

RK: Clayton soon has to get on Sports Center to give an NFL update

TB: Do they get a courtesy runner for that?


DK: Dr. Neau!

TB: Does this get any better?

KK: Now I feel hot and bothered.

DK: oh good - Marty Cordova isn't the Twins all-time doubles leader anymore

TB: The only thing that would make this better would be Jason Tyner pinch hitting for Dlmon

KK: So this whole dick bremmer sounding like he's about to bust a nut every time we get a hit is kinda priceless.

SS: Renyt! I love that guy.

KK: Or Lew Ford losing a ball in the dome.

DK: is it too early to pinch hit Macri for Buscher?

KK: how dare they walk thee drk kngt dlmn yng.

TB: Never

KK: Punto= rbi machine

DK: only thing that would make this game more hilarious would be Buscher running out a bunt

KK: Wow, Morneau, you hustled


TB: Everything is going crazy-go-nuts. Death by SAC flies

KK: C'mon Pinko

SS: I wonder what role the sac fly has in the collective cycle

KK: Awww...it's okay he's still pinko-y


DK: am I the only one getting the game via the Gordo/Dazzle/Black Jack method?

RK: You poor soul, I think we're all sucking from Bert's sweet teat

KK: Yes, Bert is furthering his near diabetic status by eating ice cream already this game. Someone should send him a cake every day. Or more crickets.

DK: I get to paint myself a mental picture...it's more fun doing that when we're losing because I imagine the gods setting fire to bats when offensivefutility sets in

SS: yeah, my video feed is doing this weird acid trip thing where players moving too fast leave a trail, but at least I have the dulcet tones of Dick 'n Bert

KK: Just think of nick swisher sitting on the bench whining that there isnt any mirrors on the ceiling of the duggout. He needs to feel at home.

RK: SS, I'm getting that too. And sometimes the audio gets all Max Headroom. But it's worth it. Totes worth it

TB: And I'm watching on my television. Fancy that

RK: I was kinda hoping it'd be on WGN, but then I was glad it wasn't, because I hate the Hawk

KK: If this score stays tonight has been perfect. I made myself turkey dinner because I got bored, including the pumpkin pie, a huge pot of chamomile tea and this is just spiffy. Baker keeps on making me giggle like a skewl gurl.


DK: 1-2-3 innings make me giddy

TB: Or in the words of what I believe is a WGN'ism, "Grab some bench"

KK: Oh and were any of you super duper impressed by gomez's sudden patience at the plate? What was that all about?

DK: his bats have been talking back to him... "Quit swinging us through the air!"


TB: That was Gomez channelling his inner..umm...somebody. I was going to say the last centerfielder for us, but then I got a mental image of Sinn Fein whiffing on a big breaking ball in the dirt.

KK: He's starting to really listen to his bat and uh, did any of you catch mauer smell his bat a couple games back? I was like ORLY Joe Gomez?

RK: Ryan, join the fun!

SS: that bunt did not look like it should have worked

TB: Yes I saw that. Though he seemed downright amused by the concept. A bit like when whats-his-face threw at his head>

KK: Nick used his unicorn special powers. He coaxed it to land quickly yet kind of die so he can out run it. True story.

DK: Gomez with a multi-hit game...that sounds so alien

TB: Unicorn powers! I knew it!

RK: He's a Gomer no more

SS: everything's coming up GoGo

TB: Gomez should just steal home right now.

KK: Gomez's bats are actually made of plantains, thus why he smells it because he gets hungry.

TB: And Joe's smells like Miss USA's perfume

DK: is it really "stealing" on AJ when he wouldn't be able to throw out David Ortiz?

KK: And Nicks smells like smarties and bubble gum.

SS: Span looks so mature next to GoGo. he's like "this is how you grow facial hair, son!"

KK: Spans facial hair > Mauers side burns

RK: I can't believe I'm older than D'Nard

SS: I wouldn't go that far, but Span is quite the looker

KK: Indeed he is. Indeed. Im the same age as gomez. Same b-day too. kismet.

SS: nice, maybe you two can duet/serenade each other next time it rolls around

TB: Now if only you could overcome the language barrier. Although I just got that memory of that Seinfeld episode where George meets the Asian maid or whatever.


SS: anyone else want to join me on a Draft Jason Kubel for MVP campaign?

KK: Kubeloution.

RK: I'd vote for him

TB: Me too, but not ahead of Morneau. Go Canada

KK: Canuckle. OMG

DK: though one could argue that Scott Baker fits that same mold

KK: Baker.....that was sexual healing

DK: Scott Baker = GOLD GLOVE

SS: but Kubey's from Belle Fourche, which is practically Candad. We can sell it as his foreign policy experience

TB: Holy batman that was cool

KK: Agreed

RK: This MLB.tv delay rules

DK: has Bert said something about the pitcher being the best athlete on the field yet?

KK: He just should of right now. Shocker. He's probably too busy eating sweets.
I think I know why he's been eating so many sweets, because they made him stop drinking whilst on air.

TB: Hey I'm digging this. We should play like this every night.

DK: Can we have Baker lead the chorale in Take me out to the ball game? actually, after the Ode to Joy ad this year, that might not be the best idea

TB: Do you have any idea how long it took the voice coach to teach those pitchers how to sing that?

DK: I withdraw that proposition

RK: TB, that's the goal. We're trying to figure out a way to expand this site into PAB citizen media STORM

KK: But hes got nasty *crasshhh* LULZ! Omg funny wild commerical *giggle fit*

TB: I didn't know they did Wild commercials, nor did I know they felt they needed to.



DK: or, as they hammer into us at this here flight school we attend, Mike Victor Papa

KK: That's so cute! M-V-P

RK: That's it, it's Mike Victor Papa from here to eternity

KK: kubeeesss get a double!

SS: Mournie can be my MVP of groundouts

TB: Damn, over the baggie! You're supposed to get down and get the double!

KK: SWEET BABY JESUS WHAT THE...cannot compute!!


KK: I just screamed, so loud.


KK: AHH AHH AHHH *runs into a wall*

TB: They should just give them the division right now.

KK: I just screamed so loud. Holy shit.

DK: Ozzie coming out to pull his pitcher 2 pitches too late

KK: This is waaay too emotional for an emotional woman. I just had a hot flash; no lie.

SS: to quote Jack Buck "I don't believe what I just saw"

TB: And it's only game one folks.

KK: I am ded. RK, I's ded.

SS: I'm thankful to Ozzie for pulling the pitcher and giving me a second to catch my breath

RK: Let's hope we can keep it rolling like this all week

KK: I love celebratory man love. TONS

DK: Kubel and Dlmon making their homer totals multiples of 10. Morneau needs to get to 30 to align the planets properly

RK: SJ chimes in: "Did you see the sign? 'I have a fever, and the only solution is MORE KUBEL'"

SS: I love that sign

KK: 9-1. All I can say is tasty

TB: I unlocked that song in Rock Band. Don't Fear The Reaper. Or in this case, don't fear the righty


KK: Oh my gosh, download the free stephen and the colberts song "im right behind you (charlene)"

KK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6yFBwGjAm0

TB: No I don't. Already found it on Youtube. Watching right this minute.

SS: haha, I was singing that the other day

DK: Crainadian in

KK: hahaha, it's epic beyond all that is epic-ness.

DK: I think this lead MAY be wide enough for him not to blow

KK: Who knows, he still makes me nervous. RK what was his new nick name I remembered I thought it was pretty catchy. Wow hes a huge big fail-nadian.

TB: That looks about right. 5 pitch walk by Jessica

SS: Jesse's necklace looks like a bike lock, like he's worried someone will steal his Schwin. Telly to Scotty: "at what point in the game did you realize you were awesome?"

TB: Punto: That's okay Crain, I forgive you.

KK: Punto is such a tiny hero.

RK: Just throw the gas, Jesse!

DK: AJ 0-3 = music to my ears

KK: Crain can throw the heat, boy needs to just simmah dahn nahhh YAY DLMN

TB: A.J. Pierzynski looks like a teenage girl at summer camp with a bleach experiment gone terribly wrong.

DK: but we shall not have to see that anymore, for he fouls out

KK: 0-4

DK: I likes it

TB: zero for four, kids.

KK: Nom nom



TB: Holy crap, Punto wasn't just kissing Mauer was he? Or was that just a camera switch gone wrong

KK: Man lurve?

RK: I support that

SS: oh, H-Ram, when did you escape KC?



TB: Yeah, for about four seconds there they showed AJ.

RK: He looks like Mr. Owl!

DK: Gordo's making my head a'splode, talking about all these tiebreakers

TB: Maybe Telly should ask him how many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop

DK: can't we just win the freaking division outright and be done? I'm just waiting for one of the three radio guys to go "Oh snap! El beisbol!"

KK: Im shocked telly hasn't been hit by a baseball or close to being hit.

RK: Guys, I think Span just winked at me

SS: ooooh, I'm jealous

KK: You sure he wasn't giving you the stink eye?

SS: I bet it was a manly wink

RK: Yeah, like a "Ima go 0-5 but you don't care"

KK: kinda of like how they give eachother manly ass spankings?

RK: Yeah. Something like that. Sure

DK: do we bring out the Nathanator as a symbolic gesture?

RK: No, you save him! Guerrier time!


TB: I vote Humber

KK: hes gueeerrriierrrate.

DK: TB, no Korecky?

TB: Well guerrieerate it is

DK: Royals and Tigers tied for 4th

RK: J-Dye just spit out a lot of phlegmy discharge that kinda hung there. Ga-ross

KK: Thanks for that lovely detailed discription.

RK: I share the nightmare

DK: oh good...unruly fan...what are we the bitch sox?

KK: I heard a fog horn.

TB: Or Cleveland Browns?

RK: Dick is right to decry him as an idiot

SS: I like the policy of not showing the people on TV

KK: I wonder if it was a sox or a twins fan.

DK: probably a sox fan...twins fans just throw baseballs and batteries in moments of extreme displeasure

RK: And hot dogs!

SS: my guess is Sox, remember the white trash father/son combo of a few years ago?

KK: I love how Punto throws. I think I love everything he does. And hats. And Twinkies

TB: And people

KK: And kittens. And lemurs.

TB: I'm so fine missing Warren Sapp on dancing with the stars for this

DK: Griffey can still do that?

TB: Guerrier doing his best impression of Twitch

DK: 1.5 back

KK: W000t


That was awesome. Let's do this again tomorrow, hm? 1.5 back, let's hope they can keep it rolling!

Buscher reminds me of someone.. can't quite put my finger on it, though.
It seems like no matter how atrocious Jim Thome's average is, every time I see him he gets a hit.
Lance Broadway needs to get in the game.
I noticed the title had Ragnarok in it, and was disappointed when I found out it had nothing to do with Final Fantasy VI.

*scurries back to the nerdery hole
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