Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

Well this is it, huh? It's tempting, very tempting to say, "hey, even if the Twins don't make it, they were in the race the whole 162 game season, and isn't that great?" But I'd rather say, "hey, nobody thought these guys were gonna do anything, let's go to the postseason!" I don't think I'm saying anything too controversial right now.

So what does the scene look like? Unless the Twins W and the Bitch Sox L then the Monday makeup game comes into play. But here's what I like:

Twins hitters have owned Scrooge McDuckworth and the assbats have to stop, right?

Clevelandia is absolutely hitting the snot out of the ball. If they can make Buerherelhe hit the showers early especially, they may score double digits again.

EVEN IF it goes to Monday, here's what I like: Freddy Garcia and Magglio Ordonez are going to have a lot of reasons to spoil the White Sox season.

But let's hope it doesn't come to that, right?

I have to admit, as I've done before, that these games have far too much of an impact on my emotional well-being, even tangentially. Case in point: when Konerko hit that homerun in the bottom of the 8th last night, I started shaking. I'm not proud of this, and I don't recall it being this bad before, but uh, a Twins win would really go a long way toward putting my nerves back together. And I'm talking blowout here. I want the boys to bat around in the first. Morneau to at least put himself back in the MVP discussion (though let's be honest, it's going to go to Pedroier), and Mauer to lay claim to that batting title.

Ozzie threw a picture of his wife in his office last night, so he's clearly unhinged. Let's hope after today someone has to talk him off a ledge. Metaphorically, of course. I don't want anything bad to happen to Ozzie. And you know why? I kinda like him. Be honest, if he was your team's manager, you'd be OK with that. Fuck the rest of those guys though.

I want to see Thome re-crying those country boy man tears he had in the TerrorDome. I want J-Dye's steroids to fall out of his back pocket (kidding!) I want Swish's "don't give a shit" glaze to well... stay the same. I want to see the look on Griffey's face when he realizes he'll never win a ring.

I'm rambling, it's true, but it's more productive than other things I could be doing.

Who the hell's Jim Rich?

TOP 1ST

RK: If I were a smoker, I would have gone through 2 packs already

EH: Yikes! The game has only just started. Good thing you are not a smoker.

RK: And a fine start to the game for Senor Baker

SS: let's do this thing!

RK: Throw a strike!

RK: Jeezy Creezy I have got to calm down

BOTTOM 1ST

SS: yeah, it's early yet. so far, so good

RK: A 5 spot would soothe me right quick

EH: Deep cleansing breaths and maybe some chamomile.

SS: I just hope our offense comes to play today

EH: Amen

RK: The telestrator's not working? Is this an omen, a portent, or both?

SS: well, since I can't see it, it can't be too bad. lucky for me, it's the biggest game of the season and I'm stuck listening on the radio

RK: With Buck behind the plate, a walk is just as bad as a double

RK: Clevelandia scored!

SJ: I heart Jhonny!

RK: Morneau statistically owns the Royals, so he's due, right? Ooooh and Hamilton re-took the RBI lead, so he needs to be due!

SS: Damn, a walk

RK: I'll take that, with Kubel Khan up

SS: yes, go MViceP!

RK: It's OK it's only the first

TOP 2ND, NO SCORE

SS: I know I should be happy they got two on base. Duckworth will tire out quickly. it's just so hard to see so many chances go by us.

RK: Aaaand Bitch Sox have tied it

SJ: Nice bunt, Gordon, do more of those.

SJ: "I think the fans of the White Sox and the organization will be very disappointed if they don't get the division" really Dazzle? You think? that was right after he said that the Twins are the cinderella team

SS: I can see Punto in glass slippers

SJ: Alright Rocket Bats -- that's the only 4 pitch walk you are allowed today. now sit bitches down like it's your job

SS: maybe instead of the piranhas, we can have little singing mice

SJ: Sit. Bitches. Down....check ack, bases juiced for uribe with one out....

RK: Luckily Uribe sucks

BOTTOM 2ND, STILL NO SCORE

SS: who is pitching for Clevelandia?

SJ: Bullington

RK: Some sort of aristocratic sounding name. Yeah, Lord Bullington III And CWS takes the lead

SJ: Clevelandia should just pitch Lee...it's not like they need to save him for the post season

RK: Wouldn't that be lovely, but he's got a sore neck. Another Chicago run

SJ: Bastard hitting my boyfriend....i kill you!

RK: Thank the baseball gods a baserunner

SJ: Time for a little game I like to play....Duck Hunt

SS: haha. let's capitalize on this lack of control by not handing them easy outs.

RK: Way to get the job done, LNP

SJ: Hehe -- Gordo saying "Ray-moan" -- it never gets old

SS: LNP, obviously helped by his fairy godmother, showing how it's done

EH: Sometimes I wonder why I bother listening to the game, you all with video and Gameday are ahead of my radio feed by miles.

SJ: I've got old school radio going on today

RK: It wasn't until Dick just said so, but this is the last time I'll hear them this year. God I hate the offseason

SS: my radio feed is pretty slow too, but luckily gameday is in the future and I can hope to keep up

RK: Feel better, laurel. Save your strength for the ALDS!

SJ: You wanna know what I could go for... a little "Touch 'em all" action

SS: a trip to Souvenir City?

SJ: I'm liking Span running the pitch count up...now if we can get the ball to go the other way... C'mon Span...you KNOW you wanna do a little duck hunting BASER! We're on the board!

RK: Well I feel good about that. If the Sandcastle is strong in low tide, I'll feel even better

SS: YAY! Let's just keep this going, show the M&M boys what to do

SJ: That kind of makes me want M&M's... hehe...Duckworth and Buck...kinda makes me want to go hunting

SJ: Bah

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP 1

EH: Duckworth and that Queen song in the background kind of makes me want to go dig out my old Mighty Ducks tapes.

SJ: Quack quack quack..

SS: keep swinging, Charlie, maybe you'll give 'em a cold!

RK: That is a gem of a movie

SJ: It is a classic

SS: true story: the Mighty Ducks is a big reason why I wanted to go to school in MN

SJ: Hoping to meet coach Gordon Bombay? 

RK: Eden Prairie has that power over people. Or was that where they filmed Mallrats?

SS: I always thought Mighty Ducks was Eden Prairie, since the school in the 3rd was was Eden Hall

EH: Yeah, though that could have been a nice hybrid of Eden Prairie and Cretin Durham Hall. And they always claimed they were in Minneapolis, though that Diner car is in Downtown Saint Paul.

SS: yeah, I was so psyched when I first drove by it

SS: of course, I went to St. Cloud with all the country kids who had never skated before in their lives. major bummer.

RK: Doesn't/didn't the Huskies have a decent hockey program?

SJ: I don't think they do...but I'm biased

SS: they're ok, made it to the postseason last year, but no one cares much about them, not like at the U or UND

RK: I know nothing of hockey, except the coach at SJU was on the Miracle On Ice team

SJ: Nice work Rocket Bats!

RK: Alright, and now a ground ball right at someone

SS: How about we keep those wild pitches down to a 0

RK: Well hellbuckets

SJ: Wooo!! I heart stupid baserunners!

RK: Maier, I'm gonna buy you and all your family pizzas!

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

SJ: Oh Gordo -- "he must not've heard his alarm clock this morning because he sure isn't awake for this game"

RK: Bert: "But he got a great jump!"

SS: Yay, my present finally caught up to your future!

SJ: So I just heard the commercial about Bert stopping the drunk drivers -- hilarious

RK: Yeah, I like when he says he "dropped a dime" because to me that means smoking pot

EH: I wish pay phones still cost a dime.

SJ: Haha yeah

EH: Or even a quarter

SJ: Does anything cost a dime anymore?

SS: I think there is only one payphone in all of Lincoln

RK: hey're giving out 2 year leases? Uh... yay? You've won a car! FOR TWO YEARS

SJ: WOO

RK: Sign of the times. I'd rather win 10 british pounds so I could buy a house

EH: I guess they are hoping you like it so much, that you go ahead and buy it at the end.

SJ: Throwing error! Let's capitalize on this - Cm n Dlmn!

SJ: Charge the mound!

SS: Dear Royals, thank you for being the Royals. Sincerely, the Twins

SJ: Alright boyfriend, do work son

SS: Yabuta warming up? music to my ears

RK: While Tom Selleck squeezes his stress ball

SS: I'm watching the Cubs/Brewers on WGN, and they just showed some idoit with a sign that said "Time for a Century-peat (a World Series every 100 years)"

SJ: Wow...

SS: if you have to parenthetically explain your sign, it's not a good one.

EH: It is never good when you have to ..... exactly

SJ: SAFE AT HOME! YEAH!

EH: Future says good things!

SJ: The Twins have yet to get a hit this inning....

SJ: Argh, bad LNP

RK: At least it wasn't a DP

SJ: Come on GoGo...you know you want to go to Denny's for the Grand Slam breakfast...it's your faaaavorite

RK: He's a little excitable up there huh?

SJ: Oh just a little

SJ: Just imagine if we would've gotten a hit that inning...

TOP 4TH, TWINS UP 2, SOMEHOW SCORED WITHOUT A HIT

SS: I really wish Span would have gotten a chance to bat with runners on.

SJ: Pinch hitter already...hmm...

RK: I didn't know Butler was so young

EH: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and after that inning, I would say they might be feeling some desperation.

SS: yeah, he is. and he's married, which makes it even weirder.

EH: How young is he?

RK: 22. He must be from the midwest. What is it Jensen, 80% of our high school class is married?

SJ: He's still a baby!

EH: Geez! I am probably older than him.

SJ: Yeah...with kids

SS: nope, he's a Floridian

RK: OK, then he's wacky

EH: Perhaps a panhandler then?

RK: Ha!

SS: but yeah, I get the midwest thing. I'm about to turn 25, and I have a highschool classmate who just got married for the second time.

RK: Alright boys, go to work WITH HITS

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: I predict a double

RK: I should stop predicting things

SJ: can switch hitters switch the side they're on during an AB? cuz that'd be pretty sweet

SS: I don't think so, at least they can't in college

RK: An ambidextrous pitcher in the Yankee organization put that question to the quick. Once the pitcher decides which hand, the hitter has to decide which side

SJ: Aahh, lame

RK: Kinda low there, blue

SS: yup. Creighton has a switch pitcher, they tried to pull a fast one on the Huskers once, but forgot the guy up was a switch hitter and it backfired.

RK: I recall that

SJ: Jhonny doing work...let's hope the team can capitalize on it...

SS: switch pitchers are crazy. the Creighton guy has a glove that looks like it should belong to one of Hemingway's cats

TOP 5TH, SAME

SJ: Nevermind-- Garko sucks at life

TB: Time is running out Clevelandia

SJ: Bullington is out -- Rundles is in

EH: I do not know if my nerves can handle sitting through a Sox-Tigers game tomorrow...

RK: Mine surely cannot

TB: What is with Cleveland and having british-sounding relief pitchers?

SJ: Los Tigres are still up on the non-deviled Rays

TB: Bullington? Rundles? Rinc--- oh wait, scratch that

RK: Yeah, but we're talking about pitchers, right?

RK: "Baseball gods, lower case" Way to be ecumenical, Dick!

TB: Ka'aihue, huh?

SJ: Sitting bitches down...I like

SS: oh man, CC is batting right now, he hit the ball a long ways foul, but just stood there watching it stupidly

SJ: Rocket Bats can sit down the side, and that's a fact!

RK: Now go punish the subpar pitching!

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

SJ: OMG -- Rincon is pitching

RK: And we'll see you Monday evening!

RK: When Frank Viola goes down to Florida for the Twins All-Star Fantasy Camp, do you think he checks his arm or takes it carry-on?

SJ: These days -- probably carry-on, costs too much to check it

TB: If he was flying Southwest he would have to buy a second ticket or something

RK: But we kid Sweet Music. When did Duckworth become Cy Young?

TB: Rincon wins! At least for now

TOP 6TH, SAME

SS: we've got to stop getting pitchers on the ropes then letting up

RK: Baker, that was beautiful. Fucking beautiful

SS: let's push that strikeout personal record, Rocky

RK: Well... at least Mourneau caught it, right?

EH: Always gotta see the good in the bad.

RK: Smart fans not reaching over - well done

SS: good that the fans are trying to help the team as best they can, by doing nothing. you don't know how happy I am to hear Justin make a good play. I feel like he has been struggling defensively as well as at the plate, even though he really hasn't

RK: Let's see if the bottom of the order can do something!

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

SJ: Goooo boyfriend

TB: SIZEMORE

SJ: Aagh

RK: What did Sizemore do?

TB: Sizemore just robbed Asshole of an almost-homerun

RK: Excellent

WV: Who needs the Vikings right?

TB: I don't

EH: Not me

RK: What's a Viking?

WV: We've reappropriated RAGNAROK from Norse mythology.

SJ: I might, but that's cuz I'm constantly surrounded by Bears fans

WV: It's the Duckworths of the world that give guys like Brian Bass hope.

SS: Walk it out, LNP

RK: I see runners on the corners down in Chicago

TB: Yeah and Uribe just blew it, slow grounder to short and he didn't run

RK: I would love for the boys to take advantage of this gift-wrapped opportunity

SS: there's the magical 3 errors

EH: nah, they gave LNP a steal

RK: But we know better

SS: or not, apparently

EH: Which is sorta weird

TB: Blech, 5-1 bitches

SJ: I hate Dye. F'in Rincon

RK: The duct tape holding Rincon together could only last but so long

SJ: That'll teach them to keep him in for "just one more"

EH: Everyone has to learn that lesson at some point

RK: No steroids will do that to you

WV: A one game playoff looks likely.

RK: Unless they lose to the Motor City Kitties

SS: ok, boyfriend. here is your shot at getting another RBI

RK: OK then!

TOP 7TH, SAME

RK: I have to be perfectly honest, I am ill at ease right now

WV: I feel a certain latency, this is true. The 7th inning tends to be our starters' kryptonite.

SS: well, hopefully we can get a little more out of Baker, his pitch count isn't bad, and thus saving us from using the bullpen too early

RK: What a time for the feed to cut out!

WV: I know right Apparently there was an out.

SS: Teahen flied to Span

WV: Nice.

WV: Rocket Bats is a veritable Fucklion today. Meanwhile, Tom Selleck grumbles to himself in the KC dugout.

RK: "I used to make out with Courtney Cox on the teevee"

SS: that's the stuff, Rocky. 1 more K to break your own record

SJ: Ok...I'm almost done with the Clevelandia announcers...they're trash talking the Twins -- at least we're in a Pennant race -- bastards

RK: So unlike their teevee announcers

EH: who fall over themselves to praise the Twins and especially Mr. Blyleven.

RK: Deservedly so, natch

WV: I'm going to find those Clevelandia announcers and demonstrate what a real stiff neck feels like. Hmm...this could be taken as a threat.

WV: By demonstrate, I mean narrate in metaphors.

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

RK: Guys, I'm getting sick of saying this - GO TO WORK

SJ: "If the Twins lose today, they can just count themselves out. I don't see them coming in here and putting up much of a fight"

TB: In the words of Scar from Lion King... "IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!"

RK: As Bert would say, "That's why you play the game, though"

SJ: Exactly

RK: Though I hold out hope the Twins will not have to run down to the South Side

RK: Looks like the Bitch Sox are close to locking it up

WV: But think of how amazing it would be if we went there and won. Almost akin to a world series title.

SS: alright, Duckworth out, about 3 innings later than he should have, but better late than never

EH: Though I would prefer not to press our luck...

WV: This is true. I think this team pressed their luck many moons ago

SJ: Way to start the inning, Sandcastle!

WV: What's the batting title race looking like?

TB: Joe

SS: yes! let's play a little game of "hit 'em where they ain't

WV: Mauer is "auer champ". Only on this blog may the diphthong in Joe's surname be used in world play.

SJ: Going to the 9th in Bitch Sox territory -- quick, one of our players promise them cases of champagne!

RK: And Mosaic stopped working for me entirely

EH: The radio just said that Joe has a point lead on Pedroia.

SJ: and Joe dropped a base hit

SS: looks like Mahay was a good choice. whoa, has anyone been following the Detroit/TB game?

EH: No. What is happening?

SJ: Yeah...that one got out of control fast

SS: 7-7 tie, extra innings

EH: What a way to end the regular season.

SJ: Los Tigres were up by 4 going into the 8th or 9th...

RK: Y'know, I kinda expected that. What Morneau did just there

SJ: Oooo...do we have a 2 out rally coming on in the Indians game...

WV: It wasn't a double play, so. Count your tidings, RK.

WV: "Cuddy Buddy" sounds somewhat lewd.

SJ: Nope, Hafner fucked it up -- Bitch Sox won

RK: Alright, so Detroit is heading down to Chicago

WV: Anyone know the probables?

RK: Garcia v Danks right?

SJ: I think so

RK: Well well, if the Mets don't make a comeback now, they're done

WV: The fact that the Tigers are in extra-innings indcates that they haven't given up, so that's a good sign for tomorrow.

SJ: "Always get to first base by buying that special person a Summitt" HAHAHAHA -- I love it! Especially coming from Gordo

SS: is it weird for me to want the Mets to win, if only b/c that would make Jon Stewart happy?

RK: But if they don't, we know Jerry Manuel will be looking for work next year

SJ: Woo! Good hitting!

RK: Dlmn's beat is correct

SS: Delmonster!

WV: Wow, I'm surprised their CF didn't try to catch that.

RK: Torii's not out there

WV: I know right. And, a rare display of positive emotion from Gardy. Uh, Pridie is supposed to be fast, right?

TOP 8TH, TWINS UP 4

WV: Really, I couldn't distract my attention from his unoriginal early 2000's goatee/mustache.

SJ: Woo! What a play!

WV: I think Reyes should pack his bags, because Mijares aint goin' nowhere. And he won't cost a lot of money

SJ: Si senor

SS: ugh, I lost my audio. gameday only it is.

RK: I think a lot of people are trying to watch/listen to this

SJ: yeah...mlb is being not fun right now

RK: they can't handle the awesomeness that is the MNTwins

SJ: It takes special people to do that

BOTTOM 8TH SAME, A MILLION POINTS OF LIGHT CRASHING MLB.TV'S SERVERS

EH: Oh no! Will he get to his canoe in time, or will the canibals get him! I cannot handle the suspense.

SJ: This game better get done with quick; I'm hungry

SS: yeah, I wouldn't mind if they make this bottom of the 8th zip by

SJ: LNP!

SJ: Tomorrow's game, 2:05PM EST Garcia v. Floyd

RK: And the Mets miss the playoffs

EH: That is sort of sad

TB: Oh darn. Are we going to liveblog that there game?

EH: Ooh, Gobble!

SS: Duckworth and Gobble in the same game? poultry-rific!

RK: I wouldn't mind a Mauer walk here to let Morneau try to retake the RBI lead

SJ: Their names are making me even hungrier....and I don't know what to eat!

SJ: NICE, MAUER TRIPLE!

EH: Wow the future is really good right now

RK: And now with a dinger, Morneau can retake the lead

SJ: And I believe that would most likely secure a batting championship

RK: Boston plays again tonight, so who knows

SJ: Who's pitching for the Yanks?

RK: Joe Bodus for all I know

SJ: Boo

RK: Oh well

TOP 9TH, TWINS UP 6

RK: Heh, with the Mets loss I get the feed back. Normally I don't like closers in non-save situations, but what the hell

SJ: I'm trying to decide what I want to eat...our abundance of pitchers from south of the border have me craving a little Mexican food...

SS: mmm, that sounds good

RK: When I'm unsure, I look to whatever's on Food Network for guidance

SJ: I know -- Six Pack and a Pound Sunday at Taco Johns -- if only the six pack part was beer....*sigh*

RK: If only there was a Taco John's in Blacksburg!

SS: better make sure Mexico's favorite son, Joakim Soria, doesn't get in to pitch

SJ: TWINS WIN! TWINS WIN!

POSTGAME

SJ: HELL YES!

SS: GO LOS TIGRES!

EH: YES! I cannot beleive I am about to say this: GO TIGERS!

SJ: Hey -- we only have to be Tiger fans for 24 hours

RK: Freddy Garcia, you're my boy. Right now

RK: Like Bert said, the Motor City Kitties are gonna show up angry for having to go down there and they'll steamroll the Sox