Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

Apparently there was some consensus last night the uniforms were responsible for the loss. I can get behind that. But you know what I think we need ASAP? This:



Hadoken, bitches! See you in a few minutes.














TOP FIRST

KK: Bert so just said sneezin instead of season.

RK: Of course he did

KK: He just pulled a...himself.

DK: wow...this is like watching America's Funniest Mike Redmond in-game abuse Home Videos

KK: When he got shanghaied by that broken bat, I was in the middle of telling my friend the time when he met Jim Thomes bat. Then I gasped and pointed and said "no way" in the most shocking voice ever in life. Then I started swearing like a sailor, had to make that bore-fest of a game exciting.

RK: So what you're saying is it's your fault

KK: Bert is about to cry with all those messed up last names. His drunken mind is screaming.

DK: Who's the new sideline guy?

RK: Iceman. "MAAAVERIIIIIIIICK!"

KK: I think he's a big deal.

RK: It's Jose Morales!

KK: So it begins... Is it bad that a part of me wanted to see Matthew Lecroy behind the plate? Oh wait, I'm super totally kidding.

RK: I'd like to see him behind A plate though, because I'm sure that would make him happy, but not THE plate

DK: QTF, Nikolai

RK: It's alright, he's good at getting the GIDPs

KK: Indeed he is, he always gets himself into pickles. But he gets us very excited when Punto charges the ball and gets all sassafrassy. So thank you, for putting someone on first....maybe?

RK: Let's withhold judgment until such a time as something beneficial has come to pass

DK: *ponders* wonder what the record is for the Twins playing consecutive home games without actually wearing white uniforms. Sounds like a John Gordon "Little Big League" stat

DK: Looking for positive spin

RK: The situation is ripe for an outfield assist

KK: If Blackburn strikes him out, I will possibly feel a little bit better about this. But not a whole lot. I have to keep my anger for Cuddyer. Need to lash out on people who deserve it.

KK: Morales looks like a 12 year old boy.

RK: Next to the Oak Tree that is Joe Mauer, anybody would

KK: And to father time Redmond.

DK: dlmn mks th ctch

RK: Hey that's not a bad outcome considering the first two batters

DK: Dick: "Pretty good job of damage control right there." Understatement of the [albeit young] season.

BOTTOM FIRST

KK: Erik Bedard is 0-5 against the twins? Can we please tee off on this fail?

RK: Now that, my friends, is a big league Baltimore Chop

DK: proof that Span is a fucklion, beard or not

TB: Span must be pretty good at Jacks

RK: Hey, I see Cuddyer swinging in the on deck circle! He must not have forgotten the actual motion

DK: RISP...we were kinda sorta good at this last year

RK: Yeah, a little too freakishly probably not repeatable good

DK: Shhh, don't tell them that

RK: At least he struck out swinging. That's progress

DK: if that's not positive spin I don't know what is

RK: It's funny we're bagging on Cuddy Ruxpin so much, but I ask you this: who had the lone Twins RBI last night?

DK: yeah, he's leading the team in RBIs

RK: Now THAT'S some positive spin, son

TOP SECOND

RK: After a leadoff walk I share Bert's optimism

DK: Bert's optimism = win

TB: Welcome to Minnesota, Mister Crede

RK: We believe is, after all, the first phrase in the Nicene Crede

TB: Crede Thirdbase Revival right there

KK: I need a cigarette after watching that. Or a cold shower.

RK: Or both! See how that works out

BOTTOM SECOND

RK: Well, not much to say there

TOP THIRD

KK: Okay did Cuddyer tell everyone to just stare at the ball and hope they can jedi mind trick it hard enough to make it move?

DK: well, at least Cargo's not SWINGING at those breaking pitches anymore...except they're kinda in the strike zone

RK: Hot damn, Bburn is looking good right about now

RK: I miss OMG's arm

DK: I miss OMG's arm, glove, bat, plate presence, leadership, sideburns, and fashion sense

RK: Punto makin' things hard look easy!

KK: Oh Nick Punto....makin me blush.

DK: Bert says he normally makes it look easier than that

RK: I suppose my sentence was like a grammatical mobius strip

DK: y'know...Griffey just looks more menacing in a Mariners uni...I really didn't fear him as a Bitch Sock

RK: I'm sure Nate Silver is right now inventing the Intentional Unintentional BB

DK: Still can't get Beltre out

KK: I really don't like how Nick Blackburn always makes me feel. He gets too many people on base.

DK: there are three secrets to getting Adrian Beltre out. Unfortunately, the Twins have yet to figure out what they are

RK: Blackburn has an eternal reservoir of goodwill from me. Hmm, "Blackie" Coomer? My guess is you'll be hearing about that later

BOTTOM THIRD, ANCIENS 2 WINS 0

RK: Wow, are the Timberwolves advertising themselves using players who aren't on their team? I'm glad I stopped watching them when I moved away from MN in '04

KK: PUNTO LETS START THIS!!!!!! I am calling a double. DBL.

DK: I grow tired of these weak ground balls to the left side; if we're not careful, Carlos Silva'll be able to get us out tomorrow

KK: He should pog-ball it again, young spanyard.

RK: How embarrassing

TOP FOURTH

KK: Is it just me or did Nick Blackburn gain weight? I'm trying to grasp for something....wait two away!? Already? Can this be a 1-2-3 inning!? *knocks on wood* NOPE

DK: we need to stop talking. y'know, I think Blackburn was flashing back to the Bobby Abreu incident...he looked a bit gun-shy in that replay; probably mentally said "Aw hell no! Not falling for this again"

RK: He looked pretty out to me

DK: he looked out to me. my roommate the Mariner fan is praising the ump for his insightful vision here

BOTTOM FOURTH

RK: The revival!

DK: That swing was pretty

DK: Le sigh. Is love dead yet?

TOP FIFTH, 4-0 BAD GUYS

KK: All of this building me up, then just tearing me down is making me want to turn on Journey and jam my little heart out.

DK: "Don't Stop Believin'"!

RK: The other side of that, a la the Sopranos is you get shot in the head in a diner when you listen to that song

RK: Stacey, there sounds like an amazing wealth of information on MLB Gameday! Not enough to make me launch it but still!

DK: pssssssst....Nikolai...this outside fastball business to Jr.... it must stop

KK: He is being a pussy. I'll come out and say it.

DK: warming up H3

KK: Excite

RK: "Ended up hitting 20 home runs - excuse me - 12 home runs" Just... y'know, Bert makin' shit up. Which is why we love him

DK: we're missing the giant visage of Dodge trucks on the baggie

RK: HELL YES

DK: in a word, w00t

BOTTOM FIFTH, LET'S SCORE SOME RUNS!

DK: RUN GO GO RUN! "hit ball off baggie for super-awesome triple"

RK: A man a plan a canal Carlos Gomez hits a triple

RK: Looks like Morales is the 08 Gomez

KK: Punto, RBI Plz?

DK: Well, baserunners

RK: I feel like Span is just gonna cold hit the ball down the line

DK: I smell a rally.... or my roommate's nachos

KK: I am enjoying baseball for the first time this year. I like this feeling I have right now.

RK: I kinda miss Clay Matvick

DK: "I'll take that team RBI lead back now, kthxbai"

KK: Okay I am glad Cuddyer is proving me wrong.

TOP SIXTH, SEA 4 MIN 3

RK: Well hey there, Kaylee, how YOU doin'?

RK: Haha, Coomer's just cold ignoring Dick's question

KK: Coomer ignores Dick all the time, I think everyone should do that from timeto time.

RK: I met Dick at a bar once. The end.

DK: Bert, on the other hand, should NEVER be ignored

RK: Bert will not nay CANNOT be ignored

KK: OH CREDE.....you are slowly making me adore you.

DK: If you look closely, Crede kissed the ground when he landed there

KK: Crede looked like a trout swimming upstream.

RK: Can a political theorist get a 1-2-3 inning?

DK: Dear baseball gods, for once, bestow upon us a 1-2-3 inning. Thanks, The Minnesota Twins

DK: 98 MPH?

RK: Jesse Crain must be getting nervous

RK: I like how Punto tagged Betancourt like 3 times on that steal;

KK: Punto is agresive. B-E agresive.

RK: Chuck Merriwether needs to go home and think about what he's done tonight

BOTTOM 6TH

Hahahahaha

TOP 7TH

RK: Crede, keepin' busy

DK: There we go, baseball gods listened

BOTTOM 7TH

KK: I am going to do another stupid call that won't come true: Punto HR.

RK: I'm impressed Morales has laid off any of these pitches

SS: not only is my GameDay lousy with information, it's lousy at keeping up with the pace of the game. I feel like I'm at least half an at bat behind where I should be.

RK: On the bright side, you haven't missed much being stuck in the past

SS: true. maybe that's the problem with the Twins, too, starting with their unis last night. stuck in the past, hoping to catch up.

KK: Betancourt is the devil.

RK: But give him his due; that was a nice snag

TOP 8TH

RK: Gruyere's looking pretty good

BOTTOM 8TH

...

TOP 9TH

RK: What to say?

KK: Ayalalayalayala

RK: Net Ayala, lay a ten

RK: Jeezy creezy

TB: Eerrrrgh

KK: I am not enjoying this right now, and of course Ken Griffey is up to bat.

TB: Did Griffey add a few pounds since I saw him last?

RK: You mean since like, last night? Probably

BOTTOM 9TH, NEED TWO TO TIE

TB: Well, perhaps more particuarly since I saw him as a Bitch Sock

KK: He's been eating too many douchebag cookies. Nick Swisher sent him some, cause he misses him.

TB: That's right kids, tasy Douchebag Cookies. Eat like your favorite White Sox superstars

DK: Crede needs to show how laying off the Douchebag Cookies = profit

RK: Jesus, who isn't a diabetic?

DK: *sigh* guess he hasn't quite kicked them yet

KK: Nope, the diabetic pitcher was taunting him with the sugar free splenda douchebag cookies.

TB: Cmn Dlmn

KK: .........I wonder what would happen if a line drive hit his insulin pump....

TB: Gd dmnt Dlmn

KK: 3-0? WALK HIM.

TB: Gdeye Gogoez

KK: Then Kubel go CLICK CLICK BOOM.

TB: What language does he talk to his bat in? Yiddish?

RK: I can haz Kubelution?

TB: Seattle manager: Well shit, we can't face Punto can we?

RK: All Buscher does is hit doubles!

KK: BUSCHER for PUNTO.

TB: Buscher. Well then

DK: how was that not a balk?

DK: I sense a meltdown

TB: Ah. This is the Seattle bullpen I remember

KK: Oh, I am getting all sorts o' nervous.

TB: It's fucklion time.

RK: Span is going to just cold slap it opposite field to tie it

TB: Seattle pitching coach: "Hey let's just walk him too"

DK: that'll work

TB: Span showing his jacks skills once again

RK: FUCK YES

KK: I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!

DK: WELCOME TO 2009 MINNESOTA TWINS FANS!

TB: D'nard: "I was thinkin, y'know, just be a fucklion and all that, man...just workin' hard, man."

RK: Hahaha, Span doesn't have time for Iceman's questions. He wants to just cold get into that locker room. I'm going to use the word "cold" in every sentence I write about him

POSTGAME

Ah, the first win of the season. The first time I'll be able to watch Baseball Tonight and MLB Tonight. As you know, I can only watch these shows after a Twins win or it's too painful to watch. I don't want too many games like this, but I feel good about tomorrow. Oh yes.