Monday, May 18, 2009
Everybody Hurry Up And Relax
PREGAME
People, it's been a rough few games. Blood boils, the cup of anger salad runneth over, words that would make a sailor blush are uttered.
(which would be a hearsay exception in the Federal Rules of Evidence for those of you planning on going to law school)
But tonight, we're gonna relax. I don't care if the Yankees score 10 times in the first inning. We're going to keep it low key. Here, I'll start.
This is weird.
TOP 1ST
"I am sick and tired of watching the Yankees celebrate!" You and me both, Bert.
And here's a problem. I can watch the game not 2 minutes in the past and watch it on ESPN. But then I lose Dick and Bert. I think I'll put the game on in the living room and if I hear a cheer I'll brace myself for the next 90 seconds. It's like an early warning system for a nuclear attack but instead of getting into my lead lined bunker with hobo beans and a stack of porno mags, I will clench my teeth.
Buh-what? What was Teixeira doing there? I mean, good on him for getting to wherever the Melky Way decides to throw the ball, but there it is.
OK I turned off ESPN. I'm going to be surprised.
Man, it's going to be easy to relax if it is the Twins who score 10 runs in the first inning. I am cool, calm, and collected.
Seriously, it's a little chilly for mid May in VA and my windows are open. It's almost goosebump chilly in here.
BOTTOM 1ST, TWINS 2 YANKEES 0, OBVIOUSLY
So. That hit by Jeter. Anybody else thinking that the Nicene Crede's back is still a little sore?
Oh dear. I may have to go find another chill-out video on the youtube. A balk?!
I'll just have to do a little mental diversion. Balk is like Gladden's commercials for Bock on the OH SHIT.
I may have to relaxingly boil my face off.
Sigh. There was little doubt hearing that off of Rodriguez's bat. Jeezy creezy. Still, nary an out recorded.
Hey! An out!
Well what the hell.
Let's chill out with "Montok Point" by William Orbit. Good thing I have a big collection of makeout music
So R.A. Dickey is warming up? Could be worse. I went to Yankee Stadium in the fall of 2004 for a Twins game and it went to extra innings and in the 11th Gardy put in Aaron Fultz and I thought well that's that and sure enough Bernie Williams hit a walk-off home run. I made it on TV that day, Dick and Bert noting what brave souls we were.
One good thing about the interweb stream is that sometimes it doesn't cut away when the teevee does, and Dick asked "What happened there?" in a terribly derisive tone. Silver linings people.
TB, we're keeping it stress-free tonight. Like Cafe Disco, without the cafe. Or disco.
Oh Bert, you just quoted Caddyshack. Little tender mercies like this are what gets me through rough patches of gawdawful baseball.
TOP 2ND, TWINS 2 YANKS A MILLION
NB: I didn't mean for that header to be a pun on the phrase "Thanks a million." It was purely coincidental. Just like Omar don't scare, RK don't pun.
That's how you do, LNP. The push bunt past the pitcher, that's the old-school piranta baseball that I love so dearly.
Nothing comes of it, but that's alright, because we're chilling.
BOTTOM 2ND, SAME
Hey, Dickey's doing work! Didn't watch much of it because I started watching "The Wire" clips on youtube. You know how it goes.
Re Swisher: "He's got a personality." Not to quibble Dick, but I was under the impression that most everybody has a personality. I don't want to engage in any ontological discussion here, but I think I'm onto something.
And R.A. Dickey shall lead them!
TOP 3RD, SAME
This is a case par excellance why I love the M&M boys. Maybe Mauer gets out, but then Morneau comes back and smashes a ball down the line. See, the thing is, in 2006, Cuddy would knock some folks in, but in 2009? Well.
Probably need some of this right now.
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
I suppose I could just talk about myself for a while. So I went to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville (the flagship university, aka "Rocky Top") to give a paper at the International Social Theory Consortium. That is a very impressive sounding conference, and there were impressive people there, but come on now. I gave a paper defending Utopian literature, arguing that fiction sets us free to form a radical subjectivity. What does this have to do with anything? I of course found a way to mention baseball in my speech, as is a hallmark of most all of my academic career.
And this is perhaps a late apology as for why I (and WV) haven't been blogging well of late. I just finished up the semester last week and then gave a paper. I had to finish grading (and then deal with the deluge of emails of "but I'm one point away from [the next highest grade!]) and I have a job now.
I came to grad school because I had a job and I didn't like having to "work" all the time. And the first year of grad school was like college plus. You have a little money because they're paying you to go to school and you just take classes. Then in the second year you write your master's thesis. Then you're supposed to teach your own classes. Then give conference papers and publish journal articles. Then write a dissertation. But don't feel sorry for me because at the end of the day, my job is to read books and talk about them. That's really not so bad.
Also R.A. Dickey is doing a good longman job.
TOP 4TH, SAME
Then the TV comes back and Dick is talking about the Hindenberg and that's awesome.
Also Dick doesn't like New York. Which is weird, but I guess understandable. I like New York.
WHOA HI CUDDY RUXPIN WELCOME TO BASEBALL!
Gomez is doing his best May 2007 impression right now.
And then when I wrote that he stopped immediately. Thank you Cargo.
Hm, well that fizzled, but you gotta hand it to Pena. That was a hell of a play just there.
BOTTOM 4TH, 6-3 JANKEES
Now I know this isn't grounded in any rigorous empirical analysis, but I feel like every time Dick says something good about the team something bad happens.
But then 2 quick outs so I am talking completely out of my ass.
Teixeira's AB music is "I wanna rock" which reminds me of this Avis commercial:
I'm a youtube embedding fiend!
TOP 5TH, SAME
I tried my best to push that ball out with my MIND BULLETS, but to no avail.
That's telekinesis, Kyle!
Well that's it. I'm done.
ON STRIKE
People, it's been a rough few games. Blood boils, the cup of anger salad runneth over, words that would make a sailor blush are uttered.
(which would be a hearsay exception in the Federal Rules of Evidence for those of you planning on going to law school)
But tonight, we're gonna relax. I don't care if the Yankees score 10 times in the first inning. We're going to keep it low key. Here, I'll start.
This is weird.
TOP 1ST
"I am sick and tired of watching the Yankees celebrate!" You and me both, Bert.
And here's a problem. I can watch the game not 2 minutes in the past and watch it on ESPN. But then I lose Dick and Bert. I think I'll put the game on in the living room and if I hear a cheer I'll brace myself for the next 90 seconds. It's like an early warning system for a nuclear attack but instead of getting into my lead lined bunker with hobo beans and a stack of porno mags, I will clench my teeth.
Buh-what? What was Teixeira doing there? I mean, good on him for getting to wherever the Melky Way decides to throw the ball, but there it is.
OK I turned off ESPN. I'm going to be surprised.
Man, it's going to be easy to relax if it is the Twins who score 10 runs in the first inning. I am cool, calm, and collected.
Seriously, it's a little chilly for mid May in VA and my windows are open. It's almost goosebump chilly in here.
BOTTOM 1ST, TWINS 2 YANKEES 0, OBVIOUSLY
So. That hit by Jeter. Anybody else thinking that the Nicene Crede's back is still a little sore?
Oh dear. I may have to go find another chill-out video on the youtube. A balk?!
I'll just have to do a little mental diversion. Balk is like Gladden's commercials for Bock on the OH SHIT.
I may have to relaxingly boil my face off.
Sigh. There was little doubt hearing that off of Rodriguez's bat. Jeezy creezy. Still, nary an out recorded.
Hey! An out!
Well what the hell.
Let's chill out with "Montok Point" by William Orbit. Good thing I have a big collection of makeout music
So R.A. Dickey is warming up? Could be worse. I went to Yankee Stadium in the fall of 2004 for a Twins game and it went to extra innings and in the 11th Gardy put in Aaron Fultz and I thought well that's that and sure enough Bernie Williams hit a walk-off home run. I made it on TV that day, Dick and Bert noting what brave souls we were.
One good thing about the interweb stream is that sometimes it doesn't cut away when the teevee does, and Dick asked "What happened there?" in a terribly derisive tone. Silver linings people.
TB, we're keeping it stress-free tonight. Like Cafe Disco, without the cafe. Or disco.
Oh Bert, you just quoted Caddyshack. Little tender mercies like this are what gets me through rough patches of gawdawful baseball.
TOP 2ND, TWINS 2 YANKS A MILLION
NB: I didn't mean for that header to be a pun on the phrase "Thanks a million." It was purely coincidental. Just like Omar don't scare, RK don't pun.
That's how you do, LNP. The push bunt past the pitcher, that's the old-school piranta baseball that I love so dearly.
Nothing comes of it, but that's alright, because we're chilling.
BOTTOM 2ND, SAME
Hey, Dickey's doing work! Didn't watch much of it because I started watching "The Wire" clips on youtube. You know how it goes.
Re Swisher: "He's got a personality." Not to quibble Dick, but I was under the impression that most everybody has a personality. I don't want to engage in any ontological discussion here, but I think I'm onto something.
And R.A. Dickey shall lead them!
TOP 3RD, SAME
This is a case par excellance why I love the M&M boys. Maybe Mauer gets out, but then Morneau comes back and smashes a ball down the line. See, the thing is, in 2006, Cuddy would knock some folks in, but in 2009? Well.
Probably need some of this right now.
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
I suppose I could just talk about myself for a while. So I went to the University of Tennessee at Knoxville (the flagship university, aka "Rocky Top") to give a paper at the International Social Theory Consortium. That is a very impressive sounding conference, and there were impressive people there, but come on now. I gave a paper defending Utopian literature, arguing that fiction sets us free to form a radical subjectivity. What does this have to do with anything? I of course found a way to mention baseball in my speech, as is a hallmark of most all of my academic career.
And this is perhaps a late apology as for why I (and WV) haven't been blogging well of late. I just finished up the semester last week and then gave a paper. I had to finish grading (and then deal with the deluge of emails of "but I'm one point away from [the next highest grade!]) and I have a job now.
I came to grad school because I had a job and I didn't like having to "work" all the time. And the first year of grad school was like college plus. You have a little money because they're paying you to go to school and you just take classes. Then in the second year you write your master's thesis. Then you're supposed to teach your own classes. Then give conference papers and publish journal articles. Then write a dissertation. But don't feel sorry for me because at the end of the day, my job is to read books and talk about them. That's really not so bad.
Also R.A. Dickey is doing a good longman job.
TOP 4TH, SAME
Then the TV comes back and Dick is talking about the Hindenberg and that's awesome.
Also Dick doesn't like New York. Which is weird, but I guess understandable. I like New York.
WHOA HI CUDDY RUXPIN WELCOME TO BASEBALL!
Gomez is doing his best May 2007 impression right now.
And then when I wrote that he stopped immediately. Thank you Cargo.
Hm, well that fizzled, but you gotta hand it to Pena. That was a hell of a play just there.
BOTTOM 4TH, 6-3 JANKEES
Now I know this isn't grounded in any rigorous empirical analysis, but I feel like every time Dick says something good about the team something bad happens.
But then 2 quick outs so I am talking completely out of my ass.
Teixeira's AB music is "I wanna rock" which reminds me of this Avis commercial:
I'm a youtube embedding fiend!
TOP 5TH, SAME
I tried my best to push that ball out with my MIND BULLETS, but to no avail.
That's telekinesis, Kyle!
Well that's it. I'm done.
ON STRIKE
# posted by RK @ 6:51 PM 
