Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A Salve For Our Wounds
PREGAME
So relaxing didn't really work for me last night. Perspective, as always, is key. There are grosser injustices happening in the world. But look:
1) I'll stop posting weird shit from youtube
2) The Twins are out of New York!
3) The Apostle's Crede!
There are bumps in the road:
1) Baker's schizophrenic pitching personality. 6 perfect innings and then a 5-spot is fuzzy math
2) Buerhlehrelhrle is usually pretty good against the Twins
3) Hawk really heaps praise on the Twins, so I have a hard time hating him. That doesn't have anything to do with the game, but I thought you'd like to know.
TOP 1ST
Mauer hasn't figured out a major league pitcher yet? The "Buerhle sold his soul to be a better than average pitcher" theory just got a big shot in the arm.
Yowza.
Whenever I see mutual of Omaha, I get that Beastie Boys lyric stuck in my head. You know the one:
Like Mutual of Omaha
On the ill boat you never seen before
Gliding in the glades
And like Lorne Green you know I get paid
-Ch-ch-check It Out, Capital Records, 2004
I will not post the video. I've learned my lesson. You all want words.
BOTTOM 1ST
Well Bert's not making any sense tonight, which is like saying he is on his game very much. Something to the effect of "Baker gave up 5 runs in six innings in Detroit and 7 excuse me 6 innings in five runs against Kansas City he threw a perfect game through 5 runs."
I am on board, sir.
Oh Cargo, will I ever get sick of you? Yes, but not right now. Running over to that ball like ZOMG BALL and then strolling like Oh yeah I got this.
TOP 2ND
I look at Buehrle's jersey and think "you must remember how to spell his name." And then I don't. But fuck him anyway.
BOTTOM 2ND
Ooooh Car Talk has a facebook page!
Dear Scott Baker, Esq.:
Please stop nibbling the outer half of the plate. As Bert would say, go inside! And hit them in the ribs. I guess.
And then all hell breaks lose and I have to hear those damn fireworks. Way to overdo it, US Cellular field.
Anyway, get AJ out.
Lurve,
RK
While I'm writing LOVER LETTERS:
Dear MLB Flash Player,
I don't want to see highlight graphics pop up on my screen (especially when it's Jimmy Rollins getting a bloop single). Please to be letting me somehow turn this off?
Toodelpip,
RK
It's no coincidence that I'm not talking about the game right now.
DK: figures. I go cook a nice Italian dinner, and Baker goes all suck on me
RK: I think this is Baker's 200th pitch
DK: Of which 183 have been balls
DK: you know it's going to be a morose night when Gordo makes even the foul balls sound scary
RK: Dick thinks they're home runs. To be fair though, he thinks everything hit in the air is a home run
DK: hmm might have to go back to the dinner table...I forgot my daily helping of ANGER SALAD
RK: Dark times in Rivendell. I don't even feel like making a lemnas bread joke
DK: can Baker get a sextuple play and hedge some outs for the 3rd?
DK: finally...Mr. Po[d]se[d]nik goes down
RK: I wonder how many times Coomer has said some variation of "Bert, you're absolutely right?" And do you think this surprises Bert?
DK: Bert is always right. Hence the absolute.
RK: Tautology!
TOP 3RD, TWINS 0 WHITE SOX 3
RK: Anderson gave Baker what-for in the dugout
DK: well the way Gordo's putting it, Scotty wanted to commit seppuku
RK: Hahaha, Bert: "This is war out here! I don't mean to say that word. It's a battle"
DK: Bah
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
RK: Dick's canoed down the Crow River - I've canoed down the Crow River!
DK: Kismet! Cargo!
RK: I like his style out there
RK: Ordinarily I'd say hey, it's alright, walk Thome and get Konerko to ground out. But uh...
DK: except that Konerko's already done the anti-groundout once
RK: So who's gonna be the longman tonight?
DK: they'll probably throw Henn to the wolves
RK: Baptism by fire! I like it
DK: "welcome to the bigs. now go get many many bitch sox out" or, translated into Gardy: "Go out there, battle your tail off, work hard and show me your good stuff"
RK: As long as he plays the game The Right Way
TOP 4TH, SAME
DK: someone has clearly replaced OMG with Folgers Crystals
RK: Oohooh! or replaced OMG with GMO
RK: Wellferthelovea
RK: Bert on Buehrle: "He tantalizes you!" GROSS
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
RK: Baker recorded an out in the first 4 minutes of an inning?
RK: And then.... a 1-2-3 inning? Could Rocket Bats be gone?
TOP 5TH, SAME
RK: Did Redmond pull the ball for a double VERY MUCH?
RK: And did Gomez slam his helmet on the ground VERY HARD?
RK: I am excited to see what Span the Bran Muffin can do
DK: Just cold killing that rally
RK: Damn you, the future
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
RK: If there's one thing I've learned from the Terminator franchise, it's that the future is always bad and full of robots trying to shoot lazer holes into your chest with their big metal guns and then Christian Bale tells you you're not acting professional
RK: Like that
DK: Yep. Or that it's your kids! something's gotta be done about your kids!
RK: The second one is still my favorite, and I'll punch you in the jeans if you disagree with me
DK: i suppose I should stop making back to the future references now that we got rid of Hoverboard
RK: Oh yeeeeeah. Short memory
DK: positive spin: got em right where we...want...them...?
RK: You're charitable. I'd say we got em right where we... got... them
TOP 6TH, BITCH SOX UP 4
OK, DK has a "job" where he "works," so you're stuck with me
THEN JOE MAUER GOES BOOM
And everybody else flies softly out
BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS DOWN 3
k-bro, yes! He did! And beautiful nickname! Good nicknames earn you eternal gratitude in my book. You let me know if you need anything.
And Getz "gets" called out on that bunt! Oh it's almost too easy! Almost? Yes, yes, too easy.
Hee hee hee, Buehrle-lap sack. Hee hee hee.
Hey, The Little Red Henn was pitching! Perceptions, I have them.
TOP 7TH? WHY NOT! SAME SCORE
Oh god k-bro, you're giving me Donald Rumsfeld flashbacks. STOP IT.
I can't find the video, but remember when he said that his critics were "Henny Penny the sky is falling" types? Then again, and I say this as a certified Political Scientist, that's a really funny thing to say.
Naked Batting Practice elusively evades the tag and is safe on first, you sly fox!
He's an international art thief for sure.
Well.... that was weird! But a run scores.
BOTTOM 7TH, TWINS ONLY DOWN 2
1) I wonder what AJ was barking at to Jerry White
2) That bat boy in the dugout kinda looked a lot like Anne Hathaway
Aw hell, you gotta hold on to the ball, LNP. Scooter J. Hennessy is probably nervous enough!
Matt Gruyere is up and warming up and that always makes me hungry to say. The cave-aged gruyere at Whole Foods is really good. But then again, for why Whole Foods isn't any better for the environment or organics as your Rainbow, Cub, Sunmart, or Hornbachers, read, oh, anything by Michael Pollan.
Sean? Shawn? I met a Shaun one time and I was like "yeah right."
But he maintained that he knew his name more than I would.
So Scooter it is!
37 highlights! Try and stop me! Jeezy creezy
Well crap... I don't want to say that's the game, but doesn't it kinda feel like it is?
TOP 8TH, RALLY CAPS 6-2 CWS
SHIT
BOTTOM 8TH, SAME
Hey, the Eli is in. This does not bode well.
Breslow = Bowlers = Les Brow = Elbows R = Rob Slew = Los Brew = Blowers = Serb Owl (these anagrams done by hand!)
"These kids, from Cuba, latin America, when the weather warms up, they warm up!" Careful Bert!
1-2-3 inning ok! OK just score 5 runs quick.
TOP 9TH, THE REQUIEM
Is the rally starting? Probably not! But we are going to stick it through to the bitter bitter end. Avant!
Avant.
Courage.
POSTGAME
Well, one of these teams had to lose I suppose. Baker? Not looking good, champ. But let's look at the bright side. k-bro gave us some sweet nicknames to add to the lexicon.
So relaxing didn't really work for me last night. Perspective, as always, is key. There are grosser injustices happening in the world. But look:
1) I'll stop posting weird shit from youtube
2) The Twins are out of New York!
3) The Apostle's Crede!
There are bumps in the road:
1) Baker's schizophrenic pitching personality. 6 perfect innings and then a 5-spot is fuzzy math
2) Buerhlehrelhrle is usually pretty good against the Twins
3) Hawk really heaps praise on the Twins, so I have a hard time hating him. That doesn't have anything to do with the game, but I thought you'd like to know.
TOP 1ST
Mauer hasn't figured out a major league pitcher yet? The "Buerhle sold his soul to be a better than average pitcher" theory just got a big shot in the arm.
Yowza.
Whenever I see mutual of Omaha, I get that Beastie Boys lyric stuck in my head. You know the one:
Like Mutual of Omaha
On the ill boat you never seen before
Gliding in the glades
And like Lorne Green you know I get paid
-Ch-ch-check It Out, Capital Records, 2004
I will not post the video. I've learned my lesson. You all want words.
BOTTOM 1ST
Well Bert's not making any sense tonight, which is like saying he is on his game very much. Something to the effect of "Baker gave up 5 runs in six innings in Detroit and 7 excuse me 6 innings in five runs against Kansas City he threw a perfect game through 5 runs."
I am on board, sir.
Oh Cargo, will I ever get sick of you? Yes, but not right now. Running over to that ball like ZOMG BALL and then strolling like Oh yeah I got this.
TOP 2ND
I look at Buehrle's jersey and think "you must remember how to spell his name." And then I don't. But fuck him anyway.
BOTTOM 2ND
Ooooh Car Talk has a facebook page!
Dear Scott Baker, Esq.:
Please stop nibbling the outer half of the plate. As Bert would say, go inside! And hit them in the ribs. I guess.
And then all hell breaks lose and I have to hear those damn fireworks. Way to overdo it, US Cellular field.
Anyway, get AJ out.
Lurve,
RK
While I'm writing LOVER LETTERS:
Dear MLB Flash Player,
I don't want to see highlight graphics pop up on my screen (especially when it's Jimmy Rollins getting a bloop single). Please to be letting me somehow turn this off?
Toodelpip,
RK
It's no coincidence that I'm not talking about the game right now.
DK: figures. I go cook a nice Italian dinner, and Baker goes all suck on me
RK: I think this is Baker's 200th pitch
DK: Of which 183 have been balls
DK: you know it's going to be a morose night when Gordo makes even the foul balls sound scary
RK: Dick thinks they're home runs. To be fair though, he thinks everything hit in the air is a home run
DK: hmm might have to go back to the dinner table...I forgot my daily helping of ANGER SALAD
RK: Dark times in Rivendell. I don't even feel like making a lemnas bread joke
DK: can Baker get a sextuple play and hedge some outs for the 3rd?
DK: finally...Mr. Po[d]se[d]nik goes down
RK: I wonder how many times Coomer has said some variation of "Bert, you're absolutely right?" And do you think this surprises Bert?
DK: Bert is always right. Hence the absolute.
RK: Tautology!
TOP 3RD, TWINS 0 WHITE SOX 3
RK: Anderson gave Baker what-for in the dugout
DK: well the way Gordo's putting it, Scotty wanted to commit seppuku
RK: Hahaha, Bert: "This is war out here! I don't mean to say that word. It's a battle"
DK: Bah
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
RK: Dick's canoed down the Crow River - I've canoed down the Crow River!
DK: Kismet! Cargo!
RK: I like his style out there
RK: Ordinarily I'd say hey, it's alright, walk Thome and get Konerko to ground out. But uh...
DK: except that Konerko's already done the anti-groundout once
RK: So who's gonna be the longman tonight?
DK: they'll probably throw Henn to the wolves
RK: Baptism by fire! I like it
DK: "welcome to the bigs. now go get many many bitch sox out" or, translated into Gardy: "Go out there, battle your tail off, work hard and show me your good stuff"
RK: As long as he plays the game The Right Way
TOP 4TH, SAME
DK: someone has clearly replaced OMG with Folgers Crystals
RK: Oohooh! or replaced OMG with GMO
RK: Wellferthelovea
RK: Bert on Buehrle: "He tantalizes you!" GROSS
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
RK: Baker recorded an out in the first 4 minutes of an inning?
RK: And then.... a 1-2-3 inning? Could Rocket Bats be gone?
TOP 5TH, SAME
RK: Did Redmond pull the ball for a double VERY MUCH?
RK: And did Gomez slam his helmet on the ground VERY HARD?
RK: I am excited to see what Span the Bran Muffin can do
DK: Just cold killing that rally
RK: Damn you, the future
BOTTOM 5TH, SAME
RK: If there's one thing I've learned from the Terminator franchise, it's that the future is always bad and full of robots trying to shoot lazer holes into your chest with their big metal guns and then Christian Bale tells you you're not acting professional
RK: Like that
DK: Yep. Or that it's your kids! something's gotta be done about your kids!
RK: The second one is still my favorite, and I'll punch you in the jeans if you disagree with me
DK: i suppose I should stop making back to the future references now that we got rid of Hoverboard
RK: Oh yeeeeeah. Short memory
DK: positive spin: got em right where we...want...them...?
RK: You're charitable. I'd say we got em right where we... got... them
TOP 6TH, BITCH SOX UP 4
OK, DK has a "job" where he "works," so you're stuck with me
THEN JOE MAUER GOES BOOM
And everybody else flies softly out
BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS DOWN 3
k-bro, yes! He did! And beautiful nickname! Good nicknames earn you eternal gratitude in my book. You let me know if you need anything.
And Getz "gets" called out on that bunt! Oh it's almost too easy! Almost? Yes, yes, too easy.
Hee hee hee, Buehrle-lap sack. Hee hee hee.
Hey, The Little Red Henn was pitching! Perceptions, I have them.
TOP 7TH? WHY NOT! SAME SCORE
Oh god k-bro, you're giving me Donald Rumsfeld flashbacks. STOP IT.
I can't find the video, but remember when he said that his critics were "Henny Penny the sky is falling" types? Then again, and I say this as a certified Political Scientist, that's a really funny thing to say.
Naked Batting Practice elusively evades the tag and is safe on first, you sly fox!
He's an international art thief for sure.
Well.... that was weird! But a run scores.
BOTTOM 7TH, TWINS ONLY DOWN 2
1) I wonder what AJ was barking at to Jerry White
2) That bat boy in the dugout kinda looked a lot like Anne Hathaway
Aw hell, you gotta hold on to the ball, LNP. Scooter J. Hennessy is probably nervous enough!
Matt Gruyere is up and warming up and that always makes me hungry to say. The cave-aged gruyere at Whole Foods is really good. But then again, for why Whole Foods isn't any better for the environment or organics as your Rainbow, Cub, Sunmart, or Hornbachers, read, oh, anything by Michael Pollan.
Sean? Shawn? I met a Shaun one time and I was like "yeah right."
But he maintained that he knew his name more than I would.
So Scooter it is!
37 highlights! Try and stop me! Jeezy creezy
Well crap... I don't want to say that's the game, but doesn't it kinda feel like it is?
TOP 8TH, RALLY CAPS 6-2 CWS
SHIT
BOTTOM 8TH, SAME
Hey, the Eli is in. This does not bode well.
Breslow = Bowlers = Les Brow = Elbows R = Rob Slew = Los Brew = Blowers = Serb Owl (these anagrams done by hand!)
"These kids, from Cuba, latin America, when the weather warms up, they warm up!" Careful Bert!
1-2-3 inning ok! OK just score 5 runs quick.
TOP 9TH, THE REQUIEM
Is the rally starting? Probably not! But we are going to stick it through to the bitter bitter end. Avant!
Avant.
Courage.
POSTGAME
Well, one of these teams had to lose I suppose. Baker? Not looking good, champ. But let's look at the bright side. k-bro gave us some sweet nicknames to add to the lexicon.
# posted by RK @ 8:02 PM 
