Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Jonesin' For Some Power, or "The Byrds Seized the Swords"
Like Tim the Toolman Taylor, the Twins are looking for some power, and they've turned to Garrett Jones, a somewhat older (perhaps approaching social security benefits from the view of some Twins observers) minor leaguer called up to replace the Pontoon's place in the rotation.
I'd say something to calm his nerves, but I'm not one for tranquility. I'd tell him, with Ponson gone, that he doesn't have big shoes to fill, but in a way he does....REALLY big shoes.
In case you're wondering, the reference to the seizing the swords bit is the best and most inane way to waste your time: Swords For Dinner
TOP 1ST INNING
RK: Haha, I like one of these pairs of announcers... "Only the writers in New York thought Justin Morneau didn't deserve the MVP, but they can't fawn over Jeter enough"
RK: Generally speaking, you can expect that result when Torii falls behind in the count
RK: Oh God, I forgot for a second that Casey Blake played for the team with the racially insensitive nickname that plays near Lake Erie
WV: Indeed he does, unfortunately so does Hafner, who has probably already hit for the cycle tonight.
WV: They're crediting Blake with a base hit?
RK: Hmm.Punto didn't touch the ball
WV: I was sort of liking having the lead for a while there.
RK: Yeah, i had a pretty good last 15 minutes or so
RK: So let me take this opportunity to let our good readers know why I've been so absent
RK: Instead of going to conferences, I was merely maximizing my time with a bunch of my friends who finished school and are off to wherever. Mea culpa
WV: You are indeed the yin to my yang
RK: Ah. Well, if we did crunk rap we'd be the Yin Yang Twins
RK: And if we played Defender I could be your hyperspace
WV: And if I nearly gave up grand slams we'd cut the lead to 2-1.
WV: Home run. Ok then.
RK: Dhammit, Jhonny
RK: So uh, Jerry Falwell's dead, huh? Focus on the positives
WV: Oh snap. Paris Hilton traumatized over prison sentence?
RK: There should be shirts that say "DON'T FREE PARIS"
WV: Ramon is definitely the Wrong Ortiz tonight.
RK: Garfield I mean Barfield legged that one out
RK: These are the times that try men's souls
WV: Maybe we should've had someone up in the bullpen a little while ago
WV: At this rate the game will end 54 to 18
RK: That's math for you. By the way, did you all know that I'm currently employed by the Engineering Department of all places?
WV: How's that working out?
RK: I teach them how to analyze qualitative data
WV: Have they learned anything?
RK: Remains to be seen
WV: I think Ortiz is doing what in psychoanalysis would be "acting out"
RK: Sweet merciful Jebus
WV: You know, he's begging to be taken out, but no one's listening. Like when a meth head shoots up in front of a police station.
RK: Much like Doug/Wayne Rich/Molloy last night in "The Riches" which is a brilliant show by the way
WV: I get the feeling this is going to be a long night for us
RK: Without question
WV: But let's wish Jones the best of luck on his major league debut
RK: It's gonna be a little weird for me seeing a Twin named Jones who isn't Jacque
Wow, that was some dubious grammatical structure there.
RK: I'll have the magnificent 7 from Glen Perkins
RK: Y'know, I bet there aren't many career criminals named Glen.
RK: And apparently, nor are there many pitchers named Glen who throw strikes
WV: Long night huh.
RK: So uh... what are you up to this summer?
WV: Moving to California mostly.
WV: Some reading, writing.
RK: I'll be doing some 'rithmetic
WV: We've got it all covered.
RK: Wow, it's like that groundball was like "Mama said knock you out" to Punto
WV: Not a great night, defensively, for Punto
RK: Oh my God, an out?!
WV: Redmond thinks to himself, "I'm too old for this shit"
RK: I think that to myself every morning
WV: And Glen Perkins runs an interference play
RK: Not much you can say about this.
WV: Well, Cuddly's got a hell of an arm
RK: And Jerry Falwell's dead.
RK: Jacobs Field has a "Panini Cam". Do they also have a Blintz Boxscore
That's ridiculous. I mean, my gelato call to the bullpen makes sense, but Panini Cam is ridiculous
WV: These two teams could not be any more polarized
RK: This game is a binary that I can accept. It's renewing my faith in dualism
WV: Right, bring back the Cold War
WV: And Dickens
WV: And dialectical materialism
RK: And the Santa Fe Chalupa
WV: Maybe they can dig up the corpse of Terry Mulholland and put him in
RK: I might switch places with Christopher Multosanti right now
WV: Almost 1/3 over.
WV: You know what I care very, very little about? Chuck Lofgren and the rest of the Indians farm system
RK: I think the teams should agree to play church league softball rules. 7 innings and everybody starts with a 1-1 count
WV: Well, looks like everybody's getting a chance to pitch today
RK: Even Guerrierrreeeat!
WV: Pretty depressing stuff here. Bright side: Punto gets a hit. Yep, that's it. Sigh.
RK: All of these innings are bleeding into each other
WV: Jesus, Shopach could enter a log-throwing contest
RK: And so it goes. This game is redundant like a Green Day song
WV: I wish it were as short
RK: Punk music is good for my attention span
More of the same.
WV: You know what the real bright spot of the evening is? That we've introduced our readers to "Swords for Dinner"
RK: You too can be an academic!
WV: Only 6 more runs to make up.
RK: That's what Justin calls "Doin' the damn thing"
RK: Really, really, rough day for Little Nicky
WV: Rough day for Twins bloggers
RK: I don't think Gardy's gonna playfully bark at his wife tonight
WV: I think he'd rather jam a syringe filled with raw sewage into his arm
RK: Really killing my buzz here
REST OF GAME
Try again next time?
The Cleveland announcers are fawning over how far Peralta's home run traveled. I think Justin is going to take that as a challenge.
WELCOME BACK GUYS!!! Apparently since you missed a couple, they thought the first inning score should look like an actual game score....should make for an interesting 2nd...
So, I have a suggestion for the next time you both are gone for a game. Maybe you could just leave us with an open thread so that we can entertain ourselves in these comments--thus avoiding the Robot Overlords in the comment box. And, it's also somewhat permanent so in case you want to look back on it or anything. Just an idea.Post a Comment