Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

Like Tim the Toolman Taylor, the Twins are looking for some power, and they've turned to Garrett Jones, a somewhat older (perhaps approaching social security benefits from the view of some Twins observers) minor leaguer called up to replace the Pontoon's place in the rotation.

I'd say something to calm his nerves, but I'm not one for tranquility. I'd tell him, with Ponson gone, that he doesn't have big shoes to fill, but in a way he does....REALLY big shoes.

In case you're wondering, the reference to the seizing the swords bit is the best and most inane way to waste your time: Swords For Dinner

TOP 1ST INNING

RK: Haha, I like one of these pairs of announcers... "Only the writers in New York thought Justin Morneau didn't deserve the MVP, but they can't fawn over Jeter enough"

WV: Ha!

RK: Generally speaking, you can expect that result when Torii falls behind in the count

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: Oh God, I forgot for a second that Casey Blake played for the team with the racially insensitive nickname that plays near Lake Erie

WV: Indeed he does, unfortunately so does Hafner, who has probably already hit for the cycle tonight.

WV:Ominous start.

RK: *headdesk*

WV: They're crediting Blake with a base hit?

RK: Hmm.Punto didn't touch the ball

WV: I was sort of liking having the lead for a while there.

RK: Yeah, i had a pretty good last 15 minutes or so

RK: So let me take this opportunity to let our good readers know why I've been so absent

RK: Instead of going to conferences, I was merely maximizing my time with a bunch of my friends who finished school and are off to wherever. Mea culpa

WV: You are indeed the yin to my yang

RK: Ah. Well, if we did crunk rap we'd be the Yin Yang Twins

RK: And if we played Defender I could be your hyperspace

WV: And if I nearly gave up grand slams we'd cut the lead to 2-1.

WV: Home run. Ok then.

RK: Dhammit, Jhonny

RK: So uh, Jerry Falwell's dead, huh? Focus on the positives

WV: Oh snap. Paris Hilton traumatized over prison sentence?

RK: There should be shirts that say "DON'T FREE PARIS"

WV: Ramon is definitely the Wrong Ortiz tonight.

RK: Garfield I mean Barfield legged that one out

RK: These are the times that try men's souls

WV: Maybe we should've had someone up in the bullpen a little while ago

WV: At this rate the game will end 54 to 18

RK: That's math for you. By the way, did you all know that I'm currently employed by the Engineering Department of all places?

WV: How's that working out?

RK: I teach them how to analyze qualitative data

WV: Have they learned anything?

RK: Remains to be seen

WV: I think Ortiz is doing what in psychoanalysis would be "acting out"

RK: Sweet merciful Jebus

WV: You know, he's begging to be taken out, but no one's listening. Like when a meth head shoots up in front of a police station.

2ND INNING

RK: Much like Doug/Wayne Rich/Molloy last night in "The Riches" which is a brilliant show by the way

WV: I get the feeling this is going to be a long night for us

RK: Without question

WV: But let's wish Jones the best of luck on his major league debut

RK: It's gonna be a little weird for me seeing a Twin named Jones who isn't Jacque
Wow, that was some dubious grammatical structure there.

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RK: I'll have the magnificent 7 from Glen Perkins

RK: Y'know, I bet there aren't many career criminals named Glen.

RK: And apparently, nor are there many pitchers named Glen who throw strikes

WV: Long night huh.

RK: So uh... what are you up to this summer?

WV: Moving to California mostly.

WV: Some reading, writing.

RK: I'll be doing some 'rithmetic

WV: We've got it all covered.

RK: Wow, it's like that groundball was like "Mama said knock you out" to Punto

WV: Not a great night, defensively, for Punto

RK: Oh my God, an out?!

WV: Redmond thinks to himself, "I'm too old for this shit"

RK: I think that to myself every morning

WV: And Glen Perkins runs an interference play

RK: Not much you can say about this.

WV: Well, Cuddly's got a hell of an arm

RK: And Jerry Falwell's dead.

3RD INNING

RK: Jacobs Field has a "Panini Cam". Do they also have a Blintz Boxscore
That's ridiculous. I mean, my gelato call to the bullpen makes sense, but Panini Cam is ridiculous

WV: These two teams could not be any more polarized

RK: This game is a binary that I can accept. It's renewing my faith in dualism

WV: Right, bring back the Cold War

WV: And Dickens

WV: And dialectical materialism

RK: And the Santa Fe Chalupa

WV: Maybe they can dig up the corpse of Terry Mulholland and put him in

RK: I might switch places with Christopher Multosanti right now

WV: Almost 1/3 over.

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WV: You know what I care very, very little about? Chuck Lofgren and the rest of the Indians farm system

RK: I think the teams should agree to play church league softball rules. 7 innings and everybody starts with a 1-1 count

WV: Well, looks like everybody's getting a chance to pitch today

RK: Even Guerrierrreeeat!

4TH INNING

WV: Pretty depressing stuff here. Bright side: Punto gets a hit. Yep, that's it. Sigh.

RK: All of these innings are bleeding into each other

WV: Jesus, Shopach could enter a log-throwing contest

RK: And so it goes. This game is redundant like a Green Day song

WV: I wish it were as short

RK: Punk music is good for my attention span

5TH INNING

More of the same.

6TH INNING

WV: You know what the real bright spot of the evening is? That we've introduced our readers to "Swords for Dinner"

RK: You too can be an academic!

WV: Only 6 more runs to make up.

RK: That's what Justin calls "Doin' the damn thing"

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RK: Really, really, rough day for Little Nicky

WV: Rough day for Twins bloggers

RK: I don't think Gardy's gonna playfully bark at his wife tonight

WV: I think he'd rather jam a syringe filled with raw sewage into his arm

RK: Really killing my buzz here

REST OF GAME

Try again next time?