Monday, June 25, 2007


Halladay In The Sun


RK: All we can do is hope Kool Slow D brings his A game tonight

WV:Indeed, pull a veritable Liriano, without the Tommy John surgery.

RK: Even though we didn't go 16 and 2 against the NL this year, we're still equal with last season's record through 73 games.

WV: Which isn't necessarily something to hang our hat on, but it's a good perspective
and there isn't a daunting breakaway team like last years Tigres

RK: It doesn't seem that way.

RK: Well, Clevelandia is down, and so are Los Tigres

WV: So in other words, this could be an excellent opportunity to make up lost ground.

WV: Hopefully, we don't go the way of Chicago Hope vis-a-vis ER

RK: Help us Obi Wan Slowey; you're our only hope

RK: And I promise I'll never say that again

WV: In 5 seconds, that assertion will be published and forever etched in cyber-stone.

RK: My life is an open book

WV: That must be ripped straight from a Jewel album liner.

WV: Or Pink, if you want to be all contemporary and shit.

RK: Up yours, Kurt Loder!

WV: Heh heh said Loder.

RK: Oh my god, we're a post-modern Beavis and Butthead. Which is awesome


RK: Suppose Slowey could ask Wells for a time machine?

WV: No worries, Matt Stairs and Frank Thomas are due up

RK: Infielders can probably... take a step or two back, huh?

WV: Gosh, for all the hubbub you'd think it was Cirillo's first time ever wearing a baseball glove.

RK: He usually just plays barehanded

WV: Wow, really blew that 89 mph fastball right by Stairs

RK: Matt the Cable Guy definitely didn't get 'er done.

RK: This awarding a base thing kinda gives me the red ass

WV: Right, rewarding the opposing team for the defense making a great play.

RK: I mean, runner can advance at his own peril, right? What's wrong with that?

WV: Right, maybe they could make a new rule that if the offense hits an inside the parker they automatically get 1 out.

RK: Honestly, the more I think about it, the more this rule is a crouton on my anger salad

BOTTOM 1ST, Game Tied At 0

WV: Dubious start.

RK: Hey, it's Roy Freakin' Halladay

WV: Lew's like the running back who fumbles a lot and has to carry the ball all week during class. Except, Lew's holding a bat in the dugout because of his feeble hitting. Yeah.

RK: We'll uh, send that back to the Apt Metaphor Department to see what we can do with that


WV: Scalooze: We ought to praise you for nursing a hangover all day on a Monday

WV: No joke, Frank Thomas perpetually shares the same grimace my Grandmother does when her dog pisses on the carpet.

RK: He might look more like Shrek than David Ortiz

WV: And similarly, he refuses to go away.

RK: Christ on a bike, Dick really wants Thomas to hit his 500th HR

WV: And he wants to misrepresent Bert's fastball velocity

RK: My 2-seamer is 119

RK: kilometers an hour

WV: Nice-I guarantee that you extemporaneously commenting on your hypothetical pitching repertoire is infinitely more entertaining than Live Free or Die Hard

RK: Here's my idea, movie studios - make a new movie! And quit messing with the numbering system! It should be Die Hard 4.

RK: Harrumph

WV: Hey, Bruce Willis just needs continued relevance so he can keep partying with P. Diddy every 4 years.


RK: I have a feeling they're gonna go to Marney Gellner a lot during this game if it continues thusly

WV: By the 13th time the topic will be her recent midnight trip to Walgreens to buy Preparation H

RK: I'm pretty sure the mission statement of that store is: We have all the shit you don't think of getting until you need it

RK: Also, cola flavored gummi treats

WV: Yeah, run this guy's pitch count up, I'm all for that.

WV: He's picked off..err, on 2nd.

RK: Wow

WV: Why don't more people try that?

RK: Because it's insane

WV: Scott Ulger is pleased as punch he won't have to make a decision about waving Hunter home

WV: That said, he still considers it.

RK: He could just be getting lonely; he might not have much company there tonight

RK: Yahtzee!

WV: Dick doesn't get it does he? Redmond's RBI wouldn't be a turf hit right, the bounce probably comes from the Metrodome concrete underlying it all...not dirt like at a normal place.

WV: I'm nitpicking.

RK: Don't obsess - the last thing we want is for you to have Dick on your shirt


WV: We might have something with this Slowey guy.

RK: I like him. I like the cut of his jib

WV: Hey Cirillo, nice catch......for me to poop on.

RK: Shake it off, Slowey

RK: Well there it is

WV: He hit the ball a long ways, but it's not like Slowey left it up and over the plate. Wells, I hear, is a decent hitter.

WV: Ok, that one was Kool Slow D's fault.

WV: I think Kubel and I have about the same vertical leap

RK: Yeah, and how'd the NFL combine go for you guys?

WV: I passed the Wonderlick with flying colors. I'm a character-type, the alpha to Tank Johnson's omega.

RK: And the inning is mercifully over


RK: Nick Punto with the five iron puts it onto the green

WV: I wonder if the Twins scouting report has something on Greg Zaun's arm.

RK: I wonder if there's a 35lb weight attached to Zaun's arm

WV: You don't see Castillo strike out two consecutive at bats that often

RK: Good point, but here's a stat for you: I have never once struck out against Roy Halladay

RK: And that's going on the resume

WV: We're so fortunate that Nick Punto stole 2nd.

RK: We need Global Warming to fix this problem

WV: Well shit.

RK: MAUER PA...fuck.

WV: Scoring on Halladay is harder than MIchael Jackson at Disneyland. Too easy?

RK: Little bit


RK: So far, Kool Slow D has acquitted himself nicely. Coupla gopher balls, but this isn't a Bakeresque meltdown

WV: So the other day...and this will say something about me...I absentmindedly tried to make an anagram out of Kevin Slowey without exploiting an anagram creator. Couldn't do it

WV: No, if he can hold this a few more innings it will be more than respectable


WV: Orion the Centerfielder has pretty much priced himself out of everyone but New York and Boston's market at this point.

RK: I bet he ends up in Beantown

WV: Man, Kubel must've had Lasik done over the weekend.

RK: He borrowed Dougie Stretch's eyes - he's not using them right now

RK: Let me be perfectly clear: I like Mike Redmond a lot. That was a good hit. He is a good baseball player.

WV: Perhaps even the heart and soul of the team. But definitely not the legs.


RK: It's funny, because everybody knows Bert's cheating with the Aflac trivia questions, and I dig his feigned indignance

RK: Reminds me of me when I lie. Pathologically

WV: Feigned indignance is how I'm going to pass my dissertation defense.

RK: I'm gonna do the eye-roll and say "tcha" a lot

WV: Well, it's been pleasant watching Vernon Hafner beat the hell out of us tonight.

RK: His middle name is Thome

WV: And then there was Juan Rincon. It just keeps getting better.

RK: You know how when you're flirting really successfully with a woman and then you feel it start to slip away?

WV: Yeah, it's especially damning when you're as supercilious as we are.

RK: This game is doing that

WV: OK then, we just gotta get them drunk enough that they start to find us funny.

RK: Surely our readers understand our ethos

RK: Hahaha, OK, that was just funny

RK: Cuddy's lackadaisacal throw turned into a game of human croquet

WV: Wow, I think the entire 40-man roster dove for that one.


RK: "Where am I? There I am." That's Bert on so many levels

WV: You'd think that TWO rookies were pitching tonight, not a former Cy Young winner.

RK: Halladay's booting that thing around like Eric Wynalda

WV: Brilliant.

RK: Greg Zaun has pretty much mailed it in.

WV: Pretty soon he'll earn his Molina merit badge

WV: Wild pitch, HOLY HELL

RK: Good result, but in re: Castillo. Oh shit.

WV: Looks like it's his wrist

WV: Or, got spiked

RK: But it looks like he stepped on his hand, so that's encouraging

WV: So, the seesaw swings back the other way.

WV: Barking mad, I tell ya.

RK: Let's hope for a dinger here. I don't want to just tie it up

RK: Especially if Joowan makes an appearance

RK: Maybe Halladay's going through a mid-career slump. Kinda like Trent Reznor a few years ago

WV: Definitely. Similar to what the Sex Pistols once said, a cheap Halladay in other people's misery!

RK: And also, as Johnny Rotten once said: "Graaaah drugs and booze!"


RK: I'd like to be pleasantly surprised by Joowan tonight

RK: Not a bad way to start

WV: Whoa, look at Joowan putting those hacky sack skills to use.

WV: I would've pulled a jester.

RK: I've started playing again. First time I tried an around-the-world jester I got my legs tangled up and bruised my ass. Aging sucks.

WV: The metabolism, unfortunately, isn't the only thing that goes.


WV: Maybe Morneau will make a ceremonious appearance like in the movie The Natural and belt one to win it.

WV: Or maybe not. He's no Robert Redford.

RK: But unlike The Natural, let's hope he doesn't have to die afterward

RK: So. The 7th. Inning.

WV: Yep...a little Paul Molitor action I see.

RK: We can always use a little of that

WV: When did Matt Guerrier develop such a nasty breaking ball?

RK: When he learned to shave the goatee

WV: We all go through that stage, but not all of us develop a nasty breaking ball

RK: I know, right? Everybody, their sophomore year of college, decides that growing a goatee is what they need to do for a fulfilling life

RK: And it's never a good idea


That's not Guerriereat!


Halladay might get his 9th win tonight but I'll be dammed if he deserves it.

Well, aren't we randomly chatty tonight!
My boyfriend Bartlett batting second? That so makes up for the massive hangover I've been nursing all day. The Pear King kills hangovers.
Yeah it wasn't so pretty- my friend's birthday was last night so we were out pretty late. Got up at seven to get to work at eight, there for two hours at which point I finally sobered up and vomited twice in two random lady's front yards. That's when I decided to go home. Those fruity rum drinks are the devil!
Well.. I think if Slowey holds it, we can do this.
And dude.. I just say a Live Free or Die Hard commercial.
I gots one for you without using an anagram thing. Kevin Slowey = Love Key Wins. Or Wove Nile Sky.
Hey, Love Key Wins is pretty good.
Why thank you, I am a cunning linguist. Zing! (That would work so much better if I were gay. Or Jessica Biel were around.)
I second the goatee observation...that's why guys wise up and cut it down to the soul patch once they reach senior year.
Oh Shaggy. So good or no good? Noooo good. Find some scooby snacks, have a nap, and you'll be just fine later this series.
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