Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

RK: All we can do is hope Kool Slow D brings his A game tonight

WV:Indeed, pull a veritable Liriano, without the Tommy John surgery.

RK: Even though we didn't go 16 and 2 against the NL this year, we're still equal with last season's record through 73 games.

WV: Which isn't necessarily something to hang our hat on, but it's a good perspective
and there isn't a daunting breakaway team like last years Tigres

RK: It doesn't seem that way.

RK: Well, Clevelandia is down, and so are Los Tigres

WV: So in other words, this could be an excellent opportunity to make up lost ground.

WV: Hopefully, we don't go the way of Chicago Hope vis-a-vis ER

RK: Help us Obi Wan Slowey; you're our only hope

RK: And I promise I'll never say that again

WV: In 5 seconds, that assertion will be published and forever etched in cyber-stone.

RK: My life is an open book

WV: That must be ripped straight from a Jewel album liner.

WV: Or Pink, if you want to be all contemporary and shit.

RK: Up yours, Kurt Loder!

WV: Heh heh heh...you said Loder.

RK: Oh my god, we're a post-modern Beavis and Butthead. Which is awesome

TOP 1ST

RK: Suppose Slowey could ask Wells for a time machine?

WV: No worries, Matt Stairs and Frank Thomas are due up

RK: Infielders can probably... take a step or two back, huh?

WV: Gosh, for all the hubbub you'd think it was Cirillo's first time ever wearing a baseball glove.

RK: He usually just plays barehanded

WV: Wow, really blew that 89 mph fastball right by Stairs

RK: Matt the Cable Guy definitely didn't get 'er done.

RK: This awarding a base thing kinda gives me the red ass

WV: Right, rewarding the opposing team for the defense making a great play.

RK: I mean, runner can advance at his own peril, right? What's wrong with that?

WV: Right, maybe they could make a new rule that if the offense hits an inside the parker they automatically get 1 out.

RK: Honestly, the more I think about it, the more this rule is a crouton on my anger salad

BOTTOM 1ST, Game Tied At 0

WV: Dubious start.

RK: Hey, it's Roy Freakin' Halladay

WV: Lew's like the running back who fumbles a lot and has to carry the ball all week during class. Except, Lew's holding a bat in the dugout because of his feeble hitting. Yeah.

RK: We'll uh, send that back to the Apt Metaphor Department to see what we can do with that

TOP 2ND, NO SCORE

WV: Scalooze: We ought to praise you for nursing a hangover all day on a Monday

WV: No joke, Frank Thomas perpetually shares the same grimace my Grandmother does when her dog pisses on the carpet.

RK: He might look more like Shrek than David Ortiz

WV: And similarly, he refuses to go away.

RK: Christ on a bike, Dick really wants Thomas to hit his 500th HR

WV: And he wants to misrepresent Bert's fastball velocity

RK: My 2-seamer is 119

RK: kilometers an hour

WV: Nice-I guarantee that you extemporaneously commenting on your hypothetical pitching repertoire is infinitely more entertaining than Live Free or Die Hard

RK: Here's my idea, movie studios - make a new movie! And quit messing with the numbering system! It should be Die Hard 4.

RK: Harrumph

WV: Hey, Bruce Willis just needs continued relevance so he can keep partying with P. Diddy every 4 years.

BOTTOM 2ND

RK: I have a feeling they're gonna go to Marney Gellner a lot during this game if it continues thusly

WV: By the 13th time the topic will be her recent midnight trip to Walgreens to buy Preparation H

RK: I'm pretty sure the mission statement of that store is: We have all the shit you don't think of getting until you need it

RK: Also, cola flavored gummi treats

WV: Yeah, run this guy's pitch count up, I'm all for that.

WV: He's picked off..err, on 2nd.

RK: Wow

WV: Why don't more people try that?

RK: Because it's insane

WV: Scott Ulger is pleased as punch he won't have to make a decision about waving Hunter home

WV: That said, he still considers it.

RK: He could just be getting lonely; he might not have much company there tonight

RK: Yahtzee!

WV: Dick doesn't get it does he? Redmond's RBI wouldn't be a turf hit right, the bounce probably comes from the Metrodome concrete underlying it all...not dirt like at a normal place.

WV: I'm nitpicking.

RK: Don't obsess - the last thing we want is for you to have Dick on your shirt

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP 1

WV: We might have something with this Slowey guy.

RK: I like him. I like the cut of his jib

WV: Hey Cirillo, nice catch......for me to poop on.

RK: Shake it off, Slowey

RK: Well there it is

WV: He hit the ball a long ways, but it's not like Slowey left it up and over the plate. Wells, I hear, is a decent hitter.

WV: Ok, that one was Kool Slow D's fault.

WV: I think Kubel and I have about the same vertical leap

RK: Yeah, and how'd the NFL combine go for you guys?

WV: I passed the Wonderlick with flying colors. I'm a character-type, the alpha to Tank Johnson's omega.

RK: And the inning is mercifully over

BOTTOM 3RD, TWINS DOWN 2

RK: Nick Punto with the five iron puts it onto the green

WV: I wonder if the Twins scouting report has something on Greg Zaun's arm.

RK: I wonder if there's a 35lb weight attached to Zaun's arm

WV: You don't see Castillo strike out two consecutive at bats that often

RK: Good point, but here's a stat for you: I have never once struck out against Roy Halladay

RK: And that's going on the resume

WV: We're so fortunate that Nick Punto stole 2nd.

RK: We need Global Warming to fix this problem

WV: Well shit.

RK: MAUER PA...fuck.

WV: Scoring on Halladay is harder than MIchael Jackson at Disneyland. Too easy?

RK: Little bit

TOP 4TH

RK: So far, Kool Slow D has acquitted himself nicely. Coupla gopher balls, but this isn't a Bakeresque meltdown

WV: So the other day...and this will say something about me...I absentmindedly tried to make an anagram out of Kevin Slowey without exploiting an anagram creator. Couldn't do it

WV: No, if he can hold this a few more innings it will be more than respectable

BOTTOM 4TH

WV: Orion the Centerfielder has pretty much priced himself out of everyone but New York and Boston's market at this point.

RK: I bet he ends up in Beantown

WV: Man, Kubel must've had Lasik done over the weekend.

RK: He borrowed Dougie Stretch's eyes - he's not using them right now

RK: Let me be perfectly clear: I like Mike Redmond a lot. That was a good hit. He is a good baseball player.

WV: Perhaps even the heart and soul of the team. But definitely not the legs.

TOP 5TH, GAME TIED

RK: It's funny, because everybody knows Bert's cheating with the Aflac trivia questions, and I dig his feigned indignance

RK: Reminds me of me when I lie. Pathologically

WV: Feigned indignance is how I'm going to pass my dissertation defense.

RK: I'm gonna do the eye-roll and say "tcha" a lot

WV: Well, it's been pleasant watching Vernon Hafner beat the hell out of us tonight.

RK: His middle name is Thome

WV: And then there was Juan Rincon. It just keeps getting better.

RK: You know how when you're flirting really successfully with a woman and then you feel it start to slip away?

WV: Yeah, it's especially damning when you're as supercilious as we are.

RK: This game is doing that

WV: OK then, we just gotta get them drunk enough that they start to find us funny.

RK: Surely our readers understand our ethos

RK: Hahaha, OK, that was just funny

RK: Cuddy's lackadaisacal throw turned into a game of human croquet

WV: Wow, I think the entire 40-man roster dove for that one.

BOTTOM 5TH

RK: "Where am I? There I am." That's Bert on so many levels

WV: You'd think that TWO rookies were pitching tonight, not a former Cy Young winner.

RK: Halladay's booting that thing around like Eric Wynalda

WV: Brilliant.

RK: Greg Zaun has pretty much mailed it in.

WV: Pretty soon he'll earn his Molina merit badge

WV: Wild pitch, HOLY HELL

RK: Good result, but in re: Castillo. Oh shit.

WV: Looks like it's his wrist

WV: Or, got spiked

RK: But it looks like he stepped on his hand, so that's encouraging

WV: So, the seesaw swings back the other way.

WV: Barking mad, I tell ya.

RK: Let's hope for a dinger here. I don't want to just tie it up

RK: Especially if Joowan makes an appearance

RK: Maybe Halladay's going through a mid-career slump. Kinda like Trent Reznor a few years ago

WV: Definitely. Similar to what the Sex Pistols once said, a cheap Halladay in other people's misery!

RK: And also, as Johnny Rotten once said: "Graaaah drugs and booze!"

TOP 6TH, GAME TIED

RK: I'd like to be pleasantly surprised by Joowan tonight

RK: Not a bad way to start

WV: Whoa, look at Joowan putting those hacky sack skills to use.

WV: I would've pulled a jester.

RK: I've started playing again. First time I tried an around-the-world jester I got my legs tangled up and bruised my ass. Aging sucks.

WV: The metabolism, unfortunately, isn't the only thing that goes.

TOP 7TH

WV: Maybe Morneau will make a ceremonious appearance like in the movie The Natural and belt one to win it.

WV: Or maybe not. He's no Robert Redford.

RK: But unlike The Natural, let's hope he doesn't have to die afterward

RK: So. The 7th. Inning.

WV: Yep...a little Paul Molitor action I see.

RK: We can always use a little of that

WV: When did Matt Guerrier develop such a nasty breaking ball?

RK: When he learned to shave the goatee

WV: We all go through that stage, but not all of us develop a nasty breaking ball

RK: I know, right? Everybody, their sophomore year of college, decides that growing a goatee is what they need to do for a fulfilling life

RK: And it's never a good idea

TOP 8TH

That's not Guerriereat!


9TH INNING/POSTGAME

Halladay might get his 9th win tonight but I'll be dammed if he deserves it.