Monday, April 27, 2009
So...Um...Interns?
So WV and RK are sadly in absentia this evening, thus we shall continue on with their presence in spirit only.
PREGAME
It's hardly been a quiet two weeks in the world of baseball. There's the predictable (like the Yankees getting thumped at Fenway), the not so predictable (the Pittsburgh Pirates), and the downright absurd (two words: Zack Grienke, QTF?). Anyone who's a fan of the law of averages has to be having a ball right about now...
Anyway, el beisbol.
TOP FIRST
Hey look. flashes of Scott Baker. And flashes of inept umpiring.
Bert says that Rocket Bats needs to "bend over" more when he pitches. Not even gonna touch that one.
Hey cool. Only in the Metrodome do foul line drives = extra base hits. Must be some of that "creative accounting" at work. Suddenly I see the appeal of instant replay.
Bert: "Hey Coomer what're you smoking down there?" I sense impending fisticuffs in the break.
...Oh for the love of...
BOTTOM FIRST
Right, well baserunners. That's a start.
Bert: "Kubel is probably the plumpest guy in our lineup"
Dick: "Plumpest?"
Bert: "Yeah, plumpest."
Dick: "Right. 2-0 to the Michelin Man."
If the object of this game were to leave runners on base, I daresay the Twins would never lose.
TOP SECOND
Well, this is going infinitely better so far.
BOTTOM SECOND, RAYS UP A DEUCE
*yawn* 1-2-3. How bout that.
TOP 3RD, SAME
One can almost see Rocket Bats' inner struggle unfolding on the mound. 3 pitches down, 2 pitches up. Repeat.
Hey I like this now.
BOTTOM 3RD
Span the Bran Muffin ripping Niemann's no-hitter straight to right field.
HIT AND RUN DO IT
...or just walk. 2 on for Dr. Neau.
Riiiiiiight. We needs a Kubelution
Weirdest. Double steal. Ever.
*facepalm*
TOP 4TH, SAME
This has all the makings of a Dark Beard-esque start for Rocket Bats.
BOTTOM 4TH, SAME
Right, c'mon guys. See ball, hit ball.
See? Dlmn gt th mm.
Oh look. 2 on, 1 out. Where have I seen this before?
Yep. Same thing, different inning.
TOP 5TH, SAME
DK: If only Sandcastle were made of Silly Putty.
DK: Bleh. Wild pitches = BAD. Idea: strand the runner.
DK: Well, so much for that idea.
TB: Right. I'm here, we can score now
DK: Leviathan really not having a good day back there.
TB: The Leviathan makes sure his ass is on a plane to Rochester on Friday
DK: In a word, crap.
TB: Right, So umm.
TB: Positive spin: Rocket Bats has quieted down and now allows runs like normal pitchers do.
DK: Activity in the pen.
TB: R.A. Dickey seems to warm up at the exact wrong time. "Wait, him? No..."
DK: Rays batting .800 with RISP. Twins batting .000. Coincidence? I think not.
DK: OK, like srsly guyz. Hit the ball already.
BOTTOM 5TH, RECENTLY EXORCISED BATOIDAEA 4, TWINS 0
TB: Death by a million fly balls?
DK: OK guys. If you're going to bunt, bunt. Don't fake a bunt and run out of the box scared before the pitch crosses the plate. Like really.
TB: Well...I...oh dear.
TOP 6TH, SAME
TB: Dear K-Bro: Would you rather have a tired Baker or R.A, Dickey in the sterile Metrodome air? Speaking of, has anybody ever measured the atmospheric pressure of the Dome? Seems like it would be higher
DK: Rocket Bats looks downright bi-polar.
TB: Well yeah, he is constantly in a battle to find his true self
DK: Right, I grow tired of repeating the mantra, but RUNS
BOTTOM 6TH, SAME
TB: That'd be an out in Oakland.
DK: That'd be an out on a slo-pitch softball field.
DK: They do know there's an area beyond that wall where the outfielders can't catch it, right?
TB: You mean like that?
DK: Precisely. Someone must've charged up his solar cell.
TB: I'm waiting for the day he strikes out before the P.A. guy gets to "..Cuddyer"
DK: Beis on Bols, which seems like it’s our 17th one this game.
TB: You know, I think my friend Nick has a pair of glasses exactly like Joe Maddon's. Got 'em at a 50's car show. True story.
TB: Oh HELLZ yeah.
DK: I was under the impression that all you got at '50s car shows were '50s cars.
TB: Grant Ball-four has seven walks so far this season. Hilarity ensues.
DK: I'm going to chalk that one up to osmosis.
TB: Or the correct alignment of Jupiter. Some sort of mysterious mysteria.
DK: Yep. That was almost too predictable.
TOP 7TH, SHUTOUT GONE, STILL LOSING
DK: Well, at least that first knuckleball ended up in Leviathan's glove, and not somewhere in Anoka.
DK: Initial on initial hate right there - R.A. picks off B.J.
TB: R.A. should play catcher. He has as many putouts on the basepaths as does Leviathan
BOTTOM 7TH, SAME
TB: Red hats? Are they Twins fans or Linux developers?
DK: It's that open source movement taking over baseball.
DK: All Leviathan does is hit line drives.
TB: Can't catch a pitch-out though.
DK: Sssshhh. Positive spin.
DK: I hear "Thriller". You know what that means.
TB: Why Pinko must be here.
TB: Some states would put you on the sex offender list for wanting to come up to the plate to the music of "Thriller".
DK: Two pitches right on the outside “corner” right there. Methinks something is afoot. Bert concurs and says that Dick should put on a chest protector and go down there.
TB: FORE!
DK: Fucklion time.
TB: All you can eat seats tomorrow. Rumor has it Livan Hernandez will be in attendance.
DK: There's a pitch called a Vulcan splitter?
TB: Obviously Span didn't know that.
TB: Cheeze louize Morneau. Swing the bat.
DK: That, be definition, is an atom ball.
TOP 8TH, STILL NOT WINNING
TB: Hey that umpire has a pretty cool mustache.
DK: I sense a small disagreement.
TB: A disagreement with the call and reality. Clearly we are not in the same frame as the Ump.
DK: Oh Bert...”Tie goes to the pitcher”, naturally.
TB: Morales obviously is not a master of the knuckleball
DK: I’m curious as whether OMG will catch knuckleballs, or whether the knuckleballs will just flock to his glove out of respect to his awesomeness.
TB: Well, uhhh
DK: Bert with an astute observation there: "That didn't knuckle".
TB: Pena has nine HR. Crazy shit right there. On pace to hit 85.
DK: any day the Yankees fall below .500 is a happy day.
TB: Well, 77. That’s my California math. I apologize.
DK: And Gabe 12x12 flies out.
TB: Yuk yuk yuk. Bert, you rock.
BOTTOM 8TH, CARTILAGINOUS SEA CREATURES 6, GEMINI 1
DK: In the postgame: Ron Coomer and Bert Blyleven on stealing bases. An authoritative study right there.
TB: Maybe they should bring David Ortiz and Sidney Ponson too just to add to the expertise.
DK: Yep, and then tomorrow we can bring in Denny Hocking to talk about hitting for power.
TB: I went to a game once and Denny Hocking hit a walk-off home run. Fact.
DK: CCR running the batting gamut here.
DK: Remember when all Cuddyer did was hit doubles?
DK: Gee, wonder where I've seen the Pear King do that before.
TOP 9TH, SAME
DK: Span just cold hauling that in.
DK: Aaaand Bartlett 1, Dlmn 0. That trade's really not looking too hot about now
TB: It is of course natural that Bartlett can now hit home runs. Joe Vavra you fool.
BOTTOM 9TH, DOWN BY A HALF DOZEN
TB: How the hell do you not pinch hit Brendan for Punto here. I guess in the grand scheme of things it is not so important.
DK: Down to his last out, Gardy's in manage-by-numbers mode.
DK: Maybe he doesn't want to throw the last piece of the Dlmn/Garza/Bartlett trade out there to prove that it was an epic fail.
TB: Oh look, Punto swung at an awful pitch.
DK: Well, fiddlesticks.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Alack and Alas
We are unable to blog tonight. Not because we don't want to, but damn, we have a lot of schoolwork to do. Hold fast all, the semester is over soon.
WV and/or RK
WV and/or RK
Monday, April 13, 2009
RIP Well, Everybody
PREGAME
I don't mean to make light of course, but good god, everybody in baseball died this week.
But part of the beauty is that the game goes on. Or however Kevin Costner said it in Field of Dreams. So coming off a promising start to a short roadtrip (how about Friday night? I was in our Nation's Capital representin') that quickly devolved into the nightmare early season Comiskey road trips of old (at least Joe Crede didn't hit a home run for the Ashen Hosiery, but then again, maybe he did?). Keep the ball down fellas. And leave the assbats at home. It doesn't feel like the Twins have lost more games than they've won, but there it is. 3-4. Numbers don't lie. Nor do my hips.
TOP FIRST
"When they do score a lot of runs, of course they win!" I will never get sick of Bert. Never ever.
Welp, 1 out, 2 on, a double play ball is in order. And I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I get the impression if OMG were behind the plate, hitters would be waving at more of these down and away sliders, and hey there's the double play ball!
I like it when life works out.
BOTTOM FIRST
Thing I Just Learned: "Midden" is a word. I was getting ready to [sic] that puppy up in my essay, but good thing I consulted the interwebs! It's a series of tubes!
TOP SECOND
This is not going like I envisioned in my head. I remember, and perhaps you do too, roundabouts 2002/2003 when the Twins couldn't lose to the Blue Birds? Even when it was Halladay/Rick Reed you thought oh, Rick Reed is gonna kill 'em.
I'm just anxious about the starters because I refuse to entertain the idea of a sophomore slump. Because that would affect pretty much everybody who starts. And I can't handle that.
Thankfully Lindt Chocolate doesn't know how to run the bases! Just your standard 3-5 DP.
See and then those bloops fall in and I hate that. Jeezy creezy.
But it could have been worse.
BOTTOM SECOND, BJs UP 1
Iceman! Tell me what's good!
Say you want a Kubelution! Weeeeelll y'know, Bert, I was wondering how you were going to tie that broadcaster's death to the HR. Surprisingly classy, guy. Well done.
Kalas died in the same booth I stalked Don Sutton in. Memories.
Uh boy, that probably didn't go anything like anybody thought.
Good baserunning Dlmn! See, he knows, playing a kooky left field, that the way oh, so and so who cares who he is, played it, (Snyder! Thanks Bert) but all funky, so turn on the wheels for the RBI Man, Nikolai K Punto!
Wow, I was joking LNP, but I'm glad you took me serious-like.
Are the boys in a slump? Could this be a slump-busting game? MORE TO COME
TOP 3RD, TORONTULAS 1 TWINGOS 3
1 pitch, 1 out! From Bert's lips to my fingers.
ALL YOU CAN EAT SEATS ARE BACK! Somebody who is more intrepid and industrious than I look to see if there are any in mid-late August. Because. Maybe. Just maybe. Somebody who's name rhymes with Par-lay will be in MSP.
Bert you are getting all meta on me! Bert Blyleven is watching you.
Man, Leviathan, I totally understand why you got out of the good Doctor's way. That is 530 pounds of 9'12" man sliding in their to grab that ball.
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
It should be the Vikings Draught Party: AMIRITE?
Who didn't Bert pitch for? Well uh that's that.
TOP 4TH
Damn blast hell and spite! Cuddy almost had him! Lindt chocolate, I've had about enough of you (I also say this when I have had enough actual Lindt chocolate)
BOTTOM 4TH, 3-2 GEMINIS
Dammit, I hate when the Grand Casino commercials get in the way of first pitch XBH's (extra base hits. is this already a metric?
All Buscher does is hit doubles. I'm telling you.
Injured pitcher so I'm gonna put on some tea.
And is that that?
TOP 5TH, 4-2 GOOD GUYS
WV: I think he just scattered one to the upper deck.
RK: Wasn't Snyder a bad guy in one of the 3 Ninjas movies?
WV: Could be. I recall someone named "Tum Tum", perhaps an younger variation of Leroy.
RK: I remember singing "Rocky loves Emily" on the bus. In college. College.
Well anyway it's 4-3. We're working on some technical and visual difficulties
BOTTOM 5TH, J's DOWN A RUN
RK: Sandcastle smallballin' it
WV: That's a long single... errr double
RK: That ball was going 783 MPH
RK: Span the Bran Muffin - too fast for the naked eye
WV: They need to steal second so that Buscher hits a double.
RK: It's like a magical configuration.
WV: Cito Gaston is the Dorian Gray for sportsdom.
RK: Tally Hall keeping base stealing threat Kubel on the bag
TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 3
RK: Scott Rolen. Who the hell is this guy?
RK: Anyway, being forward looking - I hope one day our guys can get a quality start
WV: So, holding the lead would be great.... I... I should say that more often.
RK: It's a luxury we often take for granted
BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1
WV: Not to disrespect the dead, but what's the big deal with Mark Fidrych
RK: I have no idea who that really is. And I know that makes me terrible
RK: Scott Rolen will never be Mike Schmidt!
WV: Man the Yankees are awful
RK: I feel like this game is taking forever
WV: It must have the same producers as ER.
TOP 7TH, SAME?
WV: Gruyere, not melting under pressure.
RK: Generally not your fondue cheese
WV: But excellent for a croque monsieur.
RK: Or on triscuits!
WV: Go to Breslow - an intelligent decision. Because he, you know, went to a small liberal arts college in Connecticut.
RK: Yeah, the name eludes me
WV: Something makes me want to call it Fail. That's right, the Fail Slumdogs, whose natural rival is Hogwarths.
WV: We'll see if it was fortuitous that that was a strike out instead of a foul tip.
I don't mean to make light of course, but good god, everybody in baseball died this week.
But part of the beauty is that the game goes on. Or however Kevin Costner said it in Field of Dreams. So coming off a promising start to a short roadtrip (how about Friday night? I was in our Nation's Capital representin') that quickly devolved into the nightmare early season Comiskey road trips of old (at least Joe Crede didn't hit a home run for the Ashen Hosiery, but then again, maybe he did?). Keep the ball down fellas. And leave the assbats at home. It doesn't feel like the Twins have lost more games than they've won, but there it is. 3-4. Numbers don't lie. Nor do my hips.
TOP FIRST
"When they do score a lot of runs, of course they win!" I will never get sick of Bert. Never ever.
Welp, 1 out, 2 on, a double play ball is in order. And I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I get the impression if OMG were behind the plate, hitters would be waving at more of these down and away sliders, and hey there's the double play ball!
I like it when life works out.
BOTTOM FIRST
Thing I Just Learned: "Midden" is a word. I was getting ready to [sic] that puppy up in my essay, but good thing I consulted the interwebs! It's a series of tubes!
TOP SECOND
This is not going like I envisioned in my head. I remember, and perhaps you do too, roundabouts 2002/2003 when the Twins couldn't lose to the Blue Birds? Even when it was Halladay/Rick Reed you thought oh, Rick Reed is gonna kill 'em.
I'm just anxious about the starters because I refuse to entertain the idea of a sophomore slump. Because that would affect pretty much everybody who starts. And I can't handle that.
Thankfully Lindt Chocolate doesn't know how to run the bases! Just your standard 3-5 DP.
See and then those bloops fall in and I hate that. Jeezy creezy.
But it could have been worse.
BOTTOM SECOND, BJs UP 1
Iceman! Tell me what's good!
Say you want a Kubelution! Weeeeelll y'know, Bert, I was wondering how you were going to tie that broadcaster's death to the HR. Surprisingly classy, guy. Well done.
Kalas died in the same booth I stalked Don Sutton in. Memories.
Uh boy, that probably didn't go anything like anybody thought.
Good baserunning Dlmn! See, he knows, playing a kooky left field, that the way oh, so and so who cares who he is, played it, (Snyder! Thanks Bert) but all funky, so turn on the wheels for the RBI Man, Nikolai K Punto!
Wow, I was joking LNP, but I'm glad you took me serious-like.
Are the boys in a slump? Could this be a slump-busting game? MORE TO COME
TOP 3RD, TORONTULAS 1 TWINGOS 3
1 pitch, 1 out! From Bert's lips to my fingers.
ALL YOU CAN EAT SEATS ARE BACK! Somebody who is more intrepid and industrious than I look to see if there are any in mid-late August. Because. Maybe. Just maybe. Somebody who's name rhymes with Par-lay will be in MSP.
Bert you are getting all meta on me! Bert Blyleven is watching you.
Man, Leviathan, I totally understand why you got out of the good Doctor's way. That is 530 pounds of 9'12" man sliding in their to grab that ball.
BOTTOM 3RD, SAME
It should be the Vikings Draught Party: AMIRITE?
Who didn't Bert pitch for? Well uh that's that.
TOP 4TH
Damn blast hell and spite! Cuddy almost had him! Lindt chocolate, I've had about enough of you (I also say this when I have had enough actual Lindt chocolate)
BOTTOM 4TH, 3-2 GEMINIS
Dammit, I hate when the Grand Casino commercials get in the way of first pitch XBH's (extra base hits. is this already a metric?
All Buscher does is hit doubles. I'm telling you.
Injured pitcher so I'm gonna put on some tea.
And is that that?
TOP 5TH, 4-2 GOOD GUYS
WV: I think he just scattered one to the upper deck.
RK: Wasn't Snyder a bad guy in one of the 3 Ninjas movies?
WV: Could be. I recall someone named "Tum Tum", perhaps an younger variation of Leroy.
RK: I remember singing "Rocky loves Emily" on the bus. In college. College.
Well anyway it's 4-3. We're working on some technical and visual difficulties
BOTTOM 5TH, J's DOWN A RUN
RK: Sandcastle smallballin' it
WV: That's a long single... errr double
RK: That ball was going 783 MPH
RK: Span the Bran Muffin - too fast for the naked eye
WV: They need to steal second so that Buscher hits a double.
RK: It's like a magical configuration.
WV: Cito Gaston is the Dorian Gray for sportsdom.
RK: Tally Hall keeping base stealing threat Kubel on the bag
TOP 6TH, TWINS UP 3
RK: Scott Rolen. Who the hell is this guy?
RK: Anyway, being forward looking - I hope one day our guys can get a quality start
WV: So, holding the lead would be great.... I... I should say that more often.
RK: It's a luxury we often take for granted
BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS UP 1
WV: Not to disrespect the dead, but what's the big deal with Mark Fidrych
RK: I have no idea who that really is. And I know that makes me terrible
RK: Scott Rolen will never be Mike Schmidt!
WV: Man the Yankees are awful
RK: I feel like this game is taking forever
WV: It must have the same producers as ER.
TOP 7TH, SAME?
WV: Gruyere, not melting under pressure.
RK: Generally not your fondue cheese
WV: But excellent for a croque monsieur.
RK: Or on triscuits!
WV: Go to Breslow - an intelligent decision. Because he, you know, went to a small liberal arts college in Connecticut.
RK: Yeah, the name eludes me
WV: Something makes me want to call it Fail. That's right, the Fail Slumdogs, whose natural rival is Hogwarths.
WV: We'll see if it was fortuitous that that was a strike out instead of a foul tip.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
The Slowey Foods Movement
PREGAME
RK and I are going to go off on what seems like an obfuscate and senseless digression - but bear with us, it ends up at Carlos Silva. But mostly, it's a moo cow!
RK: To understand baseball is to understand that the game played is not baseball as such. Let me be clear: baseball qua baseball (the theoretical foundation of this blog) is the noumena of baseball, but thing in esse
The game played is but a representation of various nodal points in the myriad contingencies and infinite possibilities of this noumena: in effect, the game played is the phenomenological understanding
WV: The interesting part of this myriad network of contingencies is that the whole phenomenon is bounded, like a non-neurotic id, by a system of rules and boundaries. By being subjected to an order, one can think of a baseball subject.
RK: That's right, this is the finite infiniteness. Nothing exists - the noumena after all only exists in that we observe phenomena - but once the ball leaves the pitcher's hand, the universe can start. From that single node, necessarily
WV: True. In the sense that what we're observing is a "subject", there is introduced a sense of otherness, and also an ethics. Meaning, there is a right and a wrong way to cognitively analyze the game.
RK: And since we're not part of the game, we're others othering, opening up (I can't believe I'm referring to Derrida again) infinite ethics. And the ethics are simple: the game comes into us, and flows through us, and out of us. The way of watching, enjoying and analyzing it are many and varied - but there is also a correct and incorrect way to do this. The correct way is to revel. Revel in improbably comebacks, in hitters making good, in pitchers throwing strikes, and in Carlos Silva's specialty: the Sinker That Doesn't Sink
WV: Like I said, a moo cow.
TOP 1ST
WV: "FS Twins": The team that pumps gas for you.
RK: Fox Sports is always already localizing their coverage. From Fox Sports to Fox Sports North to Fox Sports Twins
WV: Jose Morales is hoping this thing wraps up before his curfiew, lest his parents ground him.
RK: Yeah, he's younger than some of the students I have
BOTTOM 1ST
WV: "15-Game Loser", with emphasis on the end of the phrase.
RK: I feel like Silva has no business recording an out - this has raised my expectations to titanic heights
TB: Sandcastle needs no stinkin' second pitch
WV: If things get dull, let's break down how much Silva is making per pitch.
RK: Maybe it's the uniforms but I don't notice 30-35 lb losses/gains. Maybe I just have an enlightened concept of body image
TB: Oh yeah, home runs do occur in baseball. Fascinating.........Like that.
WV: Nice that that occurs while Bert's talking about Silva "making things happen".....touché, Mr. Blyleven.
RK: Morneau is taking the dome roof down one ball puncture at a time
WV: With all these shots to right field, I have this nagging desire to purchase power tools....but I just can't think of where I can do it.....oh what's the name of that place...Hanley's? Stanky's? Oh, I'll just never remember.
RK: Sharkey's Wrench Emporium and Trade Expo Center. Pretty sure about that. 100 bucks
TOP 2ND, TWINS UP A DEUCE
WV: Why this game is fit to be tied.
RK: Silva, thou art loosed!
WV: I think the M's have figured out that Slowey throws strikes.
TB: It's a good thing they got rid of Ibanez or else we'd really be in trouble
RK: I believe there will be a timely GIDP. Then again, I believe in a lot of things that don't happen
TB: Slowey should probably just grow a goatee and complete the Radke-esqueness
WV: Rattled, ruffled. Dick, I see your confusion. One connotes a snake, the other a grouse. On one hand you're being threatened, on the other your threatening. It's ok. I can also speak in antithesis.
RK: The dialectic is, after all, according to David Harvey, how we naturally think
WV: On that plane, Slowey should start envisioning lazy fly balls.
RK: Slowing time would open up space
WV: See: This is the dialectic. That space was necessary so that Silva could pitch.
BOTTOM 2ND, TIED
RK: I have a good feeling the Span is gonna just cold bat a run in
WV: He'll unleash all of his fucklioness.
WV: Dick's befuddlement at Carlos staying in Minnesota during a "long miserable winter" has now alienated the entire fanbase.
RK: And there it is!
TB: Knocked that ball out. Cold.
WV: Stanley, that's it.
RK: "Explodes the bat right there" Exactly Bert
TB: I'm certain there's a rule against conventional dynamite in bats.
TOP 3RD, TWINS 4, M'S 2
RK: "Span the Man?" Gimme a call Dick, I'll teach you how to nickname
TB: What's next, Crede the Sweetie?
RK: Though I'm afraid "fucklion" is probably not conducive to cable television
WV: How about "Slowey the Flowbee"
RK: Casilla the Quesadilla
TB: Punto the C-- uhh...nevermind
WV: I have to say, I miss Telly and all of his awkwardness and parapraxis.
RK: Yeah, who will Telly it like it is?
WV: Poor Telly, an innocent victim of the stranglehold of Merriam Webster's semantic hegemony.
RK: You'll be happy to know Telly now works for the Brewers
WV: Is he the guy that goes down the slide when they hit homeruns?
BOTTOM 3RD
RK: Fan alienation continues: Bert picked Yankees to win AL Pennant. That's even worse than the alienation from my labor
TB: At least I hope he jinxed it. Personally I'm looking for the Bombers to lose 110 games
TOP 4TH
WV: Not a good trend with all these dingers.
RK: Must be the springtime Colorado air?
RK: Thank you for the update, Uncontrollable Id - but at least they have the new stadium! It doesn't matter if they never win another game!
WV: Ugh. Slowey's a brick and I'm slowly drowning.
RK: It's like he's having almost good series against hitters
WV: What on earth is happening?
RK: Yeah, where did my good feelings go?
BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS DOWN 1
WV: Just 1 run, it's still good, it's still good.
RK: I always hold on to hope
TOP 5TH
WV: It's not often that I prefer reading Lacan to watching baseball
RK: Yeah, my alternative is writing about Critical Discourse Analysis - which, I mean, is just the discourse analysis of Discourse Analysis, right?
WV: I suspect that that might be redundant. Just a hunch.
WV: You should just write "Discourse Analysis" onto a page and turn it in.
RK: It'd be a sealed text
BOTTOM 5TH
(Pulling A Blyleven is experiencing technical difficulties. Please enjoy the insane ramblings of RK)
This is the inning the boys get to Silva! I know this because Span the Bran Muffin just cold coaxed a walk. Do you even know how many walks he has issued in his career? DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!
I don't either but I assume it is not many. OK here we are.
RK: Morneau straight husltin'!
WV: Now this is more like a Silva start.
RK: I love being right
WV: Right now they're explaining infinite ethics and othered otherness to Gordito on the mound.
RK: Yeah, keeping with the Kantian theme from the Pregame: Silva proves his maxim that "All bodies are extended"
Some more than others.
6TH
WV and RK: uhh...BASEBALL!
TOP 7TH
WV: Breslow went to Yale, y'know. Did you know that? Huh? Ivy League?
RK: He's a nuclear chemist astronaut!
RK: But you know, it's not art until it's been valorized
WV: Hold your tongue, Bourdieu!
RK: Hahaha, Leviathan was pointing to the wrong base. Redmond will attend to that, to be sure
WV: And Griffey can sit down.
WV: YALE! Scientists! Building things!
RK: Science! Industry! Technology!
BOTTOM 7TH
WV: Dimples, dimples, dimples.
RK: Buh, jibbabuh, wha?
WV: If that had been Breslow on second....he would've invented nuclear fushion with the base.
RK: Cuddy looked like his mom was gonna yell at him for that. Maybe she will
TOP 8TH
RK: "The back of your bubblegum card." Well i'm intrigued
WV: What's a baseball card?
RK: I like this "Market Monday." As if we couldn't further distort the importance of the DJIA in our everyday lives
WV: The dow is directly related to my personal self esteem, even though it affects me in no way, shape or form.
Wait a second.......
False consciousness? Hmmm? Engels? Bagels?
RK: Look man, all I want is a damn number to tell me everything I need to know
WV: Imagine if we could reduce other phenomena to a number. Like, cosmopolitanism, or imperialism.
RK: Another example of how baseball is a noumena - the numbers therewith only serve fleeting phenomenological ends
BOTTOM 8TH
WV: So this Crede guy.....
RK: I'm always one to root for the guys, but Crede has looked ugly tonight
TOP 9TH/POSTGAME
RK: Nathan's looking sharp.
RK: And that's 200 for Joe!
WV: Our bullpen, doing it's job this season. And Slowey picks up a Livan win.
RK: And so one of the infinite possibilities of the phenomenological representations of the noumena comes to pass. And who doesn't love it when that representation puts a W in the Twins' favor?
RK and I are going to go off on what seems like an obfuscate and senseless digression - but bear with us, it ends up at Carlos Silva. But mostly, it's a moo cow!
RK: To understand baseball is to understand that the game played is not baseball as such. Let me be clear: baseball qua baseball (the theoretical foundation of this blog) is the noumena of baseball, but thing in esse
The game played is but a representation of various nodal points in the myriad contingencies and infinite possibilities of this noumena: in effect, the game played is the phenomenological understanding
WV: The interesting part of this myriad network of contingencies is that the whole phenomenon is bounded, like a non-neurotic id, by a system of rules and boundaries. By being subjected to an order, one can think of a baseball subject.
RK: That's right, this is the finite infiniteness. Nothing exists - the noumena after all only exists in that we observe phenomena - but once the ball leaves the pitcher's hand, the universe can start. From that single node, necessarily
WV: True. In the sense that what we're observing is a "subject", there is introduced a sense of otherness, and also an ethics. Meaning, there is a right and a wrong way to cognitively analyze the game.
RK: And since we're not part of the game, we're others othering, opening up (I can't believe I'm referring to Derrida again) infinite ethics. And the ethics are simple: the game comes into us, and flows through us, and out of us. The way of watching, enjoying and analyzing it are many and varied - but there is also a correct and incorrect way to do this. The correct way is to revel. Revel in improbably comebacks, in hitters making good, in pitchers throwing strikes, and in Carlos Silva's specialty: the Sinker That Doesn't Sink
WV: Like I said, a moo cow.
TOP 1ST
WV: "FS Twins": The team that pumps gas for you.
RK: Fox Sports is always already localizing their coverage. From Fox Sports to Fox Sports North to Fox Sports Twins
WV: Jose Morales is hoping this thing wraps up before his curfiew, lest his parents ground him.
RK: Yeah, he's younger than some of the students I have
BOTTOM 1ST
WV: "15-Game Loser", with emphasis on the end of the phrase.
RK: I feel like Silva has no business recording an out - this has raised my expectations to titanic heights
TB: Sandcastle needs no stinkin' second pitch
WV: If things get dull, let's break down how much Silva is making per pitch.
RK: Maybe it's the uniforms but I don't notice 30-35 lb losses/gains. Maybe I just have an enlightened concept of body image
TB: Oh yeah, home runs do occur in baseball. Fascinating.........Like that.
WV: Nice that that occurs while Bert's talking about Silva "making things happen".....touché, Mr. Blyleven.
RK: Morneau is taking the dome roof down one ball puncture at a time
WV: With all these shots to right field, I have this nagging desire to purchase power tools....but I just can't think of where I can do it.....oh what's the name of that place...Hanley's? Stanky's? Oh, I'll just never remember.
RK: Sharkey's Wrench Emporium and Trade Expo Center. Pretty sure about that. 100 bucks
TOP 2ND, TWINS UP A DEUCE
WV: Why this game is fit to be tied.
RK: Silva, thou art loosed!
WV: I think the M's have figured out that Slowey throws strikes.
TB: It's a good thing they got rid of Ibanez or else we'd really be in trouble
RK: I believe there will be a timely GIDP. Then again, I believe in a lot of things that don't happen
TB: Slowey should probably just grow a goatee and complete the Radke-esqueness
WV: Rattled, ruffled. Dick, I see your confusion. One connotes a snake, the other a grouse. On one hand you're being threatened, on the other your threatening. It's ok. I can also speak in antithesis.
RK: The dialectic is, after all, according to David Harvey, how we naturally think
WV: On that plane, Slowey should start envisioning lazy fly balls.
RK: Slowing time would open up space
WV: See: This is the dialectic. That space was necessary so that Silva could pitch.
BOTTOM 2ND, TIED
RK: I have a good feeling the Span is gonna just cold bat a run in
WV: He'll unleash all of his fucklioness.
WV: Dick's befuddlement at Carlos staying in Minnesota during a "long miserable winter" has now alienated the entire fanbase.
RK: And there it is!
TB: Knocked that ball out. Cold.
WV: Stanley, that's it.
RK: "Explodes the bat right there" Exactly Bert
TB: I'm certain there's a rule against conventional dynamite in bats.
TOP 3RD, TWINS 4, M'S 2
RK: "Span the Man?" Gimme a call Dick, I'll teach you how to nickname
TB: What's next, Crede the Sweetie?
RK: Though I'm afraid "fucklion" is probably not conducive to cable television
WV: How about "Slowey the Flowbee"
RK: Casilla the Quesadilla
TB: Punto the C-- uhh...nevermind
WV: I have to say, I miss Telly and all of his awkwardness and parapraxis.
RK: Yeah, who will Telly it like it is?
WV: Poor Telly, an innocent victim of the stranglehold of Merriam Webster's semantic hegemony.
RK: You'll be happy to know Telly now works for the Brewers
WV: Is he the guy that goes down the slide when they hit homeruns?
BOTTOM 3RD
RK: Fan alienation continues: Bert picked Yankees to win AL Pennant. That's even worse than the alienation from my labor
TB: At least I hope he jinxed it. Personally I'm looking for the Bombers to lose 110 games
TOP 4TH
WV: Not a good trend with all these dingers.
RK: Must be the springtime Colorado air?
RK: Thank you for the update, Uncontrollable Id - but at least they have the new stadium! It doesn't matter if they never win another game!
WV: Ugh. Slowey's a brick and I'm slowly drowning.
RK: It's like he's having almost good series against hitters
WV: What on earth is happening?
RK: Yeah, where did my good feelings go?
BOTTOM 4TH, TWINS DOWN 1
WV: Just 1 run, it's still good, it's still good.
RK: I always hold on to hope
TOP 5TH
WV: It's not often that I prefer reading Lacan to watching baseball
RK: Yeah, my alternative is writing about Critical Discourse Analysis - which, I mean, is just the discourse analysis of Discourse Analysis, right?
WV: I suspect that that might be redundant. Just a hunch.
WV: You should just write "Discourse Analysis" onto a page and turn it in.
RK: It'd be a sealed text
BOTTOM 5TH
(Pulling A Blyleven is experiencing technical difficulties. Please enjoy the insane ramblings of RK)
This is the inning the boys get to Silva! I know this because Span the Bran Muffin just cold coaxed a walk. Do you even know how many walks he has issued in his career? DO YOU EVEN KNOW?!
I don't either but I assume it is not many. OK here we are.
RK: Morneau straight husltin'!
WV: Now this is more like a Silva start.
RK: I love being right
WV: Right now they're explaining infinite ethics and othered otherness to Gordito on the mound.
RK: Yeah, keeping with the Kantian theme from the Pregame: Silva proves his maxim that "All bodies are extended"
Some more than others.
6TH
WV and RK: uhh...BASEBALL!
TOP 7TH
WV: Breslow went to Yale, y'know. Did you know that? Huh? Ivy League?
RK: He's a nuclear chemist astronaut!
RK: But you know, it's not art until it's been valorized
WV: Hold your tongue, Bourdieu!
RK: Hahaha, Leviathan was pointing to the wrong base. Redmond will attend to that, to be sure
WV: And Griffey can sit down.
WV: YALE! Scientists! Building things!
RK: Science! Industry! Technology!
BOTTOM 7TH
WV: Dimples, dimples, dimples.
RK: Buh, jibbabuh, wha?
WV: If that had been Breslow on second....he would've invented nuclear fushion with the base.
RK: Cuddy looked like his mom was gonna yell at him for that. Maybe she will
TOP 8TH
RK: "The back of your bubblegum card." Well i'm intrigued
WV: What's a baseball card?
RK: I like this "Market Monday." As if we couldn't further distort the importance of the DJIA in our everyday lives
WV: The dow is directly related to my personal self esteem, even though it affects me in no way, shape or form.
Wait a second.......
False consciousness? Hmmm? Engels? Bagels?
RK: Look man, all I want is a damn number to tell me everything I need to know
WV: Imagine if we could reduce other phenomena to a number. Like, cosmopolitanism, or imperialism.
RK: Another example of how baseball is a noumena - the numbers therewith only serve fleeting phenomenological ends
BOTTOM 8TH
WV: So this Crede guy.....
RK: I'm always one to root for the guys, but Crede has looked ugly tonight
TOP 9TH/POSTGAME
RK: Nathan's looking sharp.
RK: And that's 200 for Joe!
WV: Our bullpen, doing it's job this season. And Slowey picks up a Livan win.
RK: And so one of the infinite possibilities of the phenomenological representations of the noumena comes to pass. And who doesn't love it when that representation puts a W in the Twins' favor?
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Shoulda Been The Powder Blue
PREGAME
Apparently there was some consensus last night the uniforms were responsible for the loss. I can get behind that. But you know what I think we need ASAP? This:
Hadoken, bitches! See you in a few minutes.
TOP FIRST
KK: Bert so just said sneezin instead of season.
RK: Of course he did
KK: He just pulled a...himself.
DK: wow...this is like watching America's Funniest Mike Redmond in-game abuse Home Videos
KK: When he got shanghaied by that broken bat, I was in the middle of telling my friend the time when he met Jim Thomes bat. Then I gasped and pointed and said "no way" in the most shocking voice ever in life. Then I started swearing like a sailor, had to make that bore-fest of a game exciting.
RK: So what you're saying is it's your fault
KK: Bert is about to cry with all those messed up last names. His drunken mind is screaming.
DK: Who's the new sideline guy?
RK: Iceman. "MAAAVERIIIIIIIICK!"
KK: I think he's a big deal.
RK: It's Jose Morales!
KK: So it begins... Is it bad that a part of me wanted to see Matthew Lecroy behind the plate? Oh wait, I'm super totally kidding.
RK: I'd like to see him behind A plate though, because I'm sure that would make him happy, but not THE plate
DK: QTF, Nikolai
RK: It's alright, he's good at getting the GIDPs
KK: Indeed he is, he always gets himself into pickles. But he gets us very excited when Punto charges the ball and gets all sassafrassy. So thank you, for putting someone on first....maybe?
RK: Let's withhold judgment until such a time as something beneficial has come to pass
DK: *ponders* wonder what the record is for the Twins playing consecutive home games without actually wearing white uniforms. Sounds like a John Gordon "Little Big League" stat
DK: Looking for positive spin
RK: The situation is ripe for an outfield assist
KK: If Blackburn strikes him out, I will possibly feel a little bit better about this. But not a whole lot. I have to keep my anger for Cuddyer. Need to lash out on people who deserve it.
KK: Morales looks like a 12 year old boy.
RK: Next to the Oak Tree that is Joe Mauer, anybody would
KK: And to father time Redmond.
DK: dlmn mks th ctch
RK: Hey that's not a bad outcome considering the first two batters
DK: Dick: "Pretty good job of damage control right there." Understatement of the [albeit young] season.
BOTTOM FIRST
KK: Erik Bedard is 0-5 against the twins? Can we please tee off on this fail?
RK: Now that, my friends, is a big league Baltimore Chop
DK: proof that Span is a fucklion, beard or not
TB: Span must be pretty good at Jacks
RK: Hey, I see Cuddyer swinging in the on deck circle! He must not have forgotten the actual motion
DK: RISP...we were kinda sorta good at this last year
RK: Yeah, a little too freakishly probably not repeatable good
DK: Shhh, don't tell them that
RK: At least he struck out swinging. That's progress
DK: if that's not positive spin I don't know what is
RK: It's funny we're bagging on Cuddy Ruxpin so much, but I ask you this: who had the lone Twins RBI last night?
DK: yeah, he's leading the team in RBIs
RK: Now THAT'S some positive spin, son
TOP SECOND
RK: After a leadoff walk I share Bert's optimism
DK: Bert's optimism = win
TB: Welcome to Minnesota, Mister Crede
RK: We believe is, after all, the first phrase in the Nicene Crede
TB: Crede Thirdbase Revival right there
KK: I need a cigarette after watching that. Or a cold shower.
RK: Or both! See how that works out
BOTTOM SECOND
RK: Well, not much to say there
TOP THIRD
KK: Okay did Cuddyer tell everyone to just stare at the ball and hope they can jedi mind trick it hard enough to make it move?
DK: well, at least Cargo's not SWINGING at those breaking pitches anymore...except they're kinda in the strike zone
RK: Hot damn, Bburn is looking good right about now
RK: I miss OMG's arm
DK: I miss OMG's arm, glove, bat, plate presence, leadership, sideburns, and fashion sense
RK: Punto makin' things hard look easy!
KK: Oh Nick Punto....makin me blush.
DK: Bert says he normally makes it look easier than that
RK: I suppose my sentence was like a grammatical mobius strip
DK: y'know...Griffey just looks more menacing in a Mariners uni...I really didn't fear him as a Bitch Sock
RK: I'm sure Nate Silver is right now inventing the Intentional Unintentional BB
DK: Still can't get Beltre out
KK: I really don't like how Nick Blackburn always makes me feel. He gets too many people on base.
DK: there are three secrets to getting Adrian Beltre out. Unfortunately, the Twins have yet to figure out what they are
RK: Blackburn has an eternal reservoir of goodwill from me. Hmm, "Blackie" Coomer? My guess is you'll be hearing about that later
BOTTOM THIRD, ANCIENS 2 WINS 0
RK: Wow, are the Timberwolves advertising themselves using players who aren't on their team? I'm glad I stopped watching them when I moved away from MN in '04
KK: PUNTO LETS START THIS!!!!!! I am calling a double. DBL.
DK: I grow tired of these weak ground balls to the left side; if we're not careful, Carlos Silva'll be able to get us out tomorrow
KK: He should pog-ball it again, young spanyard.
RK: How embarrassing
TOP FOURTH
KK: Is it just me or did Nick Blackburn gain weight? I'm trying to grasp for something....wait two away!? Already? Can this be a 1-2-3 inning!? *knocks on wood* NOPE
DK: we need to stop talking. y'know, I think Blackburn was flashing back to the Bobby Abreu incident...he looked a bit gun-shy in that replay; probably mentally said "Aw hell no! Not falling for this again"
RK: He looked pretty out to me
DK: he looked out to me. my roommate the Mariner fan is praising the ump for his insightful vision here
BOTTOM FOURTH
RK: The revival!
DK: That swing was pretty
DK: Le sigh. Is love dead yet?
TOP FIFTH, 4-0 BAD GUYS
KK: All of this building me up, then just tearing me down is making me want to turn on Journey and jam my little heart out.
DK: "Don't Stop Believin'"!
RK: The other side of that, a la the Sopranos is you get shot in the head in a diner when you listen to that song
RK: Stacey, there sounds like an amazing wealth of information on MLB Gameday! Not enough to make me launch it but still!
DK: pssssssst....Nikolai...this outside fastball business to Jr.... it must stop
KK: He is being a pussy. I'll come out and say it.
DK: warming up H3
KK: Excite
RK: "Ended up hitting 20 home runs - excuse me - 12 home runs" Just... y'know, Bert makin' shit up. Which is why we love him
DK: we're missing the giant visage of Dodge trucks on the baggie
RK: HELL YES
DK: in a word, w00t
BOTTOM FIFTH, LET'S SCORE SOME RUNS!
DK: RUN GO GO RUN! "hit ball off baggie for super-awesome triple"
RK: A man a plan a canal Carlos Gomez hits a triple
RK: Looks like Morales is the 08 Gomez
KK: Punto, RBI Plz?
DK: Well, baserunners
RK: I feel like Span is just gonna cold hit the ball down the line
DK: I smell a rally.... or my roommate's nachos
KK: I am enjoying baseball for the first time this year. I like this feeling I have right now.
RK: I kinda miss Clay Matvick
DK: "I'll take that team RBI lead back now, kthxbai"
KK: Okay I am glad Cuddyer is proving me wrong.
TOP SIXTH, SEA 4 MIN 3
RK: Well hey there, Kaylee, how YOU doin'?
RK: Haha, Coomer's just cold ignoring Dick's question
KK: Coomer ignores Dick all the time, I think everyone should do that from timeto time.
RK: I met Dick at a bar once. The end.
DK: Bert, on the other hand, should NEVER be ignored
RK: Bert will not nay CANNOT be ignored
KK: OH CREDE.....you are slowly making me adore you.
DK: If you look closely, Crede kissed the ground when he landed there
KK: Crede looked like a trout swimming upstream.
RK: Can a political theorist get a 1-2-3 inning?
DK: Dear baseball gods, for once, bestow upon us a 1-2-3 inning. Thanks, The Minnesota Twins
DK: 98 MPH?
RK: Jesse Crain must be getting nervous
RK: I like how Punto tagged Betancourt like 3 times on that steal;
KK: Punto is agresive. B-E agresive.
RK: Chuck Merriwether needs to go home and think about what he's done tonight
BOTTOM 6TH
Hahahahaha
TOP 7TH
RK: Crede, keepin' busy
DK: There we go, baseball gods listened
BOTTOM 7TH
KK: I am going to do another stupid call that won't come true: Punto HR.
RK: I'm impressed Morales has laid off any of these pitches
SS: not only is my GameDay lousy with information, it's lousy at keeping up with the pace of the game. I feel like I'm at least half an at bat behind where I should be.
RK: On the bright side, you haven't missed much being stuck in the past
SS: true. maybe that's the problem with the Twins, too, starting with their unis last night. stuck in the past, hoping to catch up.
KK: Betancourt is the devil.
RK: But give him his due; that was a nice snag
TOP 8TH
RK: Gruyere's looking pretty good
BOTTOM 8TH
...
TOP 9TH
RK: What to say?
KK: Ayalalayalayala
RK: Net Ayala, lay a ten
RK: Jeezy creezy
TB: Eerrrrgh
KK: I am not enjoying this right now, and of course Ken Griffey is up to bat.
TB: Did Griffey add a few pounds since I saw him last?
RK: You mean since like, last night? Probably
BOTTOM 9TH, NEED TWO TO TIE
TB: Well, perhaps more particuarly since I saw him as a Bitch Sock
KK: He's been eating too many douchebag cookies. Nick Swisher sent him some, cause he misses him.
TB: That's right kids, tasy Douchebag Cookies. Eat like your favorite White Sox superstars
DK: Crede needs to show how laying off the Douchebag Cookies = profit
RK: Jesus, who isn't a diabetic?
DK: *sigh* guess he hasn't quite kicked them yet
KK: Nope, the diabetic pitcher was taunting him with the sugar free splenda douchebag cookies.
TB: Cmn Dlmn
KK: .........I wonder what would happen if a line drive hit his insulin pump....
TB: Gd dmnt Dlmn
KK: 3-0? WALK HIM.
TB: Gdeye Gogoez
KK: Then Kubel go CLICK CLICK BOOM.
TB: What language does he talk to his bat in? Yiddish?
RK: I can haz Kubelution?
TB: Seattle manager: Well shit, we can't face Punto can we?
RK: All Buscher does is hit doubles!
KK: BUSCHER for PUNTO.
TB: Buscher. Well then
DK: how was that not a balk?
DK: I sense a meltdown
TB: Ah. This is the Seattle bullpen I remember
KK: Oh, I am getting all sorts o' nervous.
TB: It's fucklion time.
RK: Span is going to just cold slap it opposite field to tie it
TB: Seattle pitching coach: "Hey let's just walk him too"
DK: that'll work
TB: Span showing his jacks skills once again
RK: FUCK YES
KK: I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!
DK: WELCOME TO 2009 MINNESOTA TWINS FANS!
TB: D'nard: "I was thinkin, y'know, just be a fucklion and all that, man...just workin' hard, man."
RK: Hahaha, Span doesn't have time for Iceman's questions. He wants to just cold get into that locker room. I'm going to use the word "cold" in every sentence I write about him
POSTGAME
Ah, the first win of the season. The first time I'll be able to watch Baseball Tonight and MLB Tonight. As you know, I can only watch these shows after a Twins win or it's too painful to watch. I don't want too many games like this, but I feel good about tomorrow. Oh yes.
Apparently there was some consensus last night the uniforms were responsible for the loss. I can get behind that. But you know what I think we need ASAP? This:
Hadoken, bitches! See you in a few minutes.
TOP FIRST
KK: Bert so just said sneezin instead of season.
RK: Of course he did
KK: He just pulled a...himself.
DK: wow...this is like watching America's Funniest Mike Redmond in-game abuse Home Videos
KK: When he got shanghaied by that broken bat, I was in the middle of telling my friend the time when he met Jim Thomes bat. Then I gasped and pointed and said "no way" in the most shocking voice ever in life. Then I started swearing like a sailor, had to make that bore-fest of a game exciting.
RK: So what you're saying is it's your fault
KK: Bert is about to cry with all those messed up last names. His drunken mind is screaming.
DK: Who's the new sideline guy?
RK: Iceman. "MAAAVERIIIIIIIICK!"
KK: I think he's a big deal.
RK: It's Jose Morales!
KK: So it begins... Is it bad that a part of me wanted to see Matthew Lecroy behind the plate? Oh wait, I'm super totally kidding.
RK: I'd like to see him behind A plate though, because I'm sure that would make him happy, but not THE plate
DK: QTF, Nikolai
RK: It's alright, he's good at getting the GIDPs
KK: Indeed he is, he always gets himself into pickles. But he gets us very excited when Punto charges the ball and gets all sassafrassy. So thank you, for putting someone on first....maybe?
RK: Let's withhold judgment until such a time as something beneficial has come to pass
DK: *ponders* wonder what the record is for the Twins playing consecutive home games without actually wearing white uniforms. Sounds like a John Gordon "Little Big League" stat
DK: Looking for positive spin
RK: The situation is ripe for an outfield assist
KK: If Blackburn strikes him out, I will possibly feel a little bit better about this. But not a whole lot. I have to keep my anger for Cuddyer. Need to lash out on people who deserve it.
KK: Morales looks like a 12 year old boy.
RK: Next to the Oak Tree that is Joe Mauer, anybody would
KK: And to father time Redmond.
DK: dlmn mks th ctch
RK: Hey that's not a bad outcome considering the first two batters
DK: Dick: "Pretty good job of damage control right there." Understatement of the [albeit young] season.
BOTTOM FIRST
KK: Erik Bedard is 0-5 against the twins? Can we please tee off on this fail?
RK: Now that, my friends, is a big league Baltimore Chop
DK: proof that Span is a fucklion, beard or not
TB: Span must be pretty good at Jacks
RK: Hey, I see Cuddyer swinging in the on deck circle! He must not have forgotten the actual motion
DK: RISP...we were kinda sorta good at this last year
RK: Yeah, a little too freakishly probably not repeatable good
DK: Shhh, don't tell them that
RK: At least he struck out swinging. That's progress
DK: if that's not positive spin I don't know what is
RK: It's funny we're bagging on Cuddy Ruxpin so much, but I ask you this: who had the lone Twins RBI last night?
DK: yeah, he's leading the team in RBIs
RK: Now THAT'S some positive spin, son
TOP SECOND
RK: After a leadoff walk I share Bert's optimism
DK: Bert's optimism = win
TB: Welcome to Minnesota, Mister Crede
RK: We believe is, after all, the first phrase in the Nicene Crede
TB: Crede Thirdbase Revival right there
KK: I need a cigarette after watching that. Or a cold shower.
RK: Or both! See how that works out
BOTTOM SECOND
RK: Well, not much to say there
TOP THIRD
KK: Okay did Cuddyer tell everyone to just stare at the ball and hope they can jedi mind trick it hard enough to make it move?
DK: well, at least Cargo's not SWINGING at those breaking pitches anymore...except they're kinda in the strike zone
RK: Hot damn, Bburn is looking good right about now
RK: I miss OMG's arm
DK: I miss OMG's arm, glove, bat, plate presence, leadership, sideburns, and fashion sense
RK: Punto makin' things hard look easy!
KK: Oh Nick Punto....makin me blush.
DK: Bert says he normally makes it look easier than that
RK: I suppose my sentence was like a grammatical mobius strip
DK: y'know...Griffey just looks more menacing in a Mariners uni...I really didn't fear him as a Bitch Sock
RK: I'm sure Nate Silver is right now inventing the Intentional Unintentional BB
DK: Still can't get Beltre out
KK: I really don't like how Nick Blackburn always makes me feel. He gets too many people on base.
DK: there are three secrets to getting Adrian Beltre out. Unfortunately, the Twins have yet to figure out what they are
RK: Blackburn has an eternal reservoir of goodwill from me. Hmm, "Blackie" Coomer? My guess is you'll be hearing about that later
BOTTOM THIRD, ANCIENS 2 WINS 0
RK: Wow, are the Timberwolves advertising themselves using players who aren't on their team? I'm glad I stopped watching them when I moved away from MN in '04
KK: PUNTO LETS START THIS!!!!!! I am calling a double. DBL.
DK: I grow tired of these weak ground balls to the left side; if we're not careful, Carlos Silva'll be able to get us out tomorrow
KK: He should pog-ball it again, young spanyard.
RK: How embarrassing
TOP FOURTH
KK: Is it just me or did Nick Blackburn gain weight? I'm trying to grasp for something....wait two away!? Already? Can this be a 1-2-3 inning!? *knocks on wood* NOPE
DK: we need to stop talking. y'know, I think Blackburn was flashing back to the Bobby Abreu incident...he looked a bit gun-shy in that replay; probably mentally said "Aw hell no! Not falling for this again"
RK: He looked pretty out to me
DK: he looked out to me. my roommate the Mariner fan is praising the ump for his insightful vision here
BOTTOM FOURTH
RK: The revival!
DK: That swing was pretty
DK: Le sigh. Is love dead yet?
TOP FIFTH, 4-0 BAD GUYS
KK: All of this building me up, then just tearing me down is making me want to turn on Journey and jam my little heart out.
DK: "Don't Stop Believin'"!
RK: The other side of that, a la the Sopranos is you get shot in the head in a diner when you listen to that song
RK: Stacey, there sounds like an amazing wealth of information on MLB Gameday! Not enough to make me launch it but still!
DK: pssssssst....Nikolai...this outside fastball business to Jr.... it must stop
KK: He is being a pussy. I'll come out and say it.
DK: warming up H3
KK: Excite
RK: "Ended up hitting 20 home runs - excuse me - 12 home runs" Just... y'know, Bert makin' shit up. Which is why we love him
DK: we're missing the giant visage of Dodge trucks on the baggie
RK: HELL YES
DK: in a word, w00t
BOTTOM FIFTH, LET'S SCORE SOME RUNS!
DK: RUN GO GO RUN! "hit ball off baggie for super-awesome triple"
RK: A man a plan a canal Carlos Gomez hits a triple
RK: Looks like Morales is the 08 Gomez
KK: Punto, RBI Plz?
DK: Well, baserunners
RK: I feel like Span is just gonna cold hit the ball down the line
DK: I smell a rally.... or my roommate's nachos
KK: I am enjoying baseball for the first time this year. I like this feeling I have right now.
RK: I kinda miss Clay Matvick
DK: "I'll take that team RBI lead back now, kthxbai"
KK: Okay I am glad Cuddyer is proving me wrong.
TOP SIXTH, SEA 4 MIN 3
RK: Well hey there, Kaylee, how YOU doin'?
RK: Haha, Coomer's just cold ignoring Dick's question
KK: Coomer ignores Dick all the time, I think everyone should do that from timeto time.
RK: I met Dick at a bar once. The end.
DK: Bert, on the other hand, should NEVER be ignored
RK: Bert will not nay CANNOT be ignored
KK: OH CREDE.....you are slowly making me adore you.
DK: If you look closely, Crede kissed the ground when he landed there
KK: Crede looked like a trout swimming upstream.
RK: Can a political theorist get a 1-2-3 inning?
DK: Dear baseball gods, for once, bestow upon us a 1-2-3 inning. Thanks, The Minnesota Twins
DK: 98 MPH?
RK: Jesse Crain must be getting nervous
RK: I like how Punto tagged Betancourt like 3 times on that steal;
KK: Punto is agresive. B-E agresive.
RK: Chuck Merriwether needs to go home and think about what he's done tonight
BOTTOM 6TH
Hahahahaha
TOP 7TH
RK: Crede, keepin' busy
DK: There we go, baseball gods listened
BOTTOM 7TH
KK: I am going to do another stupid call that won't come true: Punto HR.
RK: I'm impressed Morales has laid off any of these pitches
SS: not only is my GameDay lousy with information, it's lousy at keeping up with the pace of the game. I feel like I'm at least half an at bat behind where I should be.
RK: On the bright side, you haven't missed much being stuck in the past
SS: true. maybe that's the problem with the Twins, too, starting with their unis last night. stuck in the past, hoping to catch up.
KK: Betancourt is the devil.
RK: But give him his due; that was a nice snag
TOP 8TH
RK: Gruyere's looking pretty good
BOTTOM 8TH
...
TOP 9TH
RK: What to say?
KK: Ayalalayalayala
RK: Net Ayala, lay a ten
RK: Jeezy creezy
TB: Eerrrrgh
KK: I am not enjoying this right now, and of course Ken Griffey is up to bat.
TB: Did Griffey add a few pounds since I saw him last?
RK: You mean since like, last night? Probably
BOTTOM 9TH, NEED TWO TO TIE
TB: Well, perhaps more particuarly since I saw him as a Bitch Sock
KK: He's been eating too many douchebag cookies. Nick Swisher sent him some, cause he misses him.
TB: That's right kids, tasy Douchebag Cookies. Eat like your favorite White Sox superstars
DK: Crede needs to show how laying off the Douchebag Cookies = profit
RK: Jesus, who isn't a diabetic?
DK: *sigh* guess he hasn't quite kicked them yet
KK: Nope, the diabetic pitcher was taunting him with the sugar free splenda douchebag cookies.
TB: Cmn Dlmn
KK: .........I wonder what would happen if a line drive hit his insulin pump....
TB: Gd dmnt Dlmn
KK: 3-0? WALK HIM.
TB: Gdeye Gogoez
KK: Then Kubel go CLICK CLICK BOOM.
TB: What language does he talk to his bat in? Yiddish?
RK: I can haz Kubelution?
TB: Seattle manager: Well shit, we can't face Punto can we?
RK: All Buscher does is hit doubles!
KK: BUSCHER for PUNTO.
TB: Buscher. Well then
DK: how was that not a balk?
DK: I sense a meltdown
TB: Ah. This is the Seattle bullpen I remember
KK: Oh, I am getting all sorts o' nervous.
TB: It's fucklion time.
RK: Span is going to just cold slap it opposite field to tie it
TB: Seattle pitching coach: "Hey let's just walk him too"
DK: that'll work
TB: Span showing his jacks skills once again
RK: FUCK YES
KK: I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE BASEBALL!!!
DK: WELCOME TO 2009 MINNESOTA TWINS FANS!
TB: D'nard: "I was thinkin, y'know, just be a fucklion and all that, man...just workin' hard, man."
RK: Hahaha, Span doesn't have time for Iceman's questions. He wants to just cold get into that locker room. I'm going to use the word "cold" in every sentence I write about him
POSTGAME
Ah, the first win of the season. The first time I'll be able to watch Baseball Tonight and MLB Tonight. As you know, I can only watch these shows after a Twins win or it's too painful to watch. I don't want too many games like this, but I feel good about tomorrow. Oh yes.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Let's Get Restarted In Here
PREGAME
RK: They've been saving up years to start at the new field
WV: For the record, it's currently 43 degrees in Minneapolis.
RK: I hear from live correspondent KK that Carlos Silva was booed
WV: Well, that's better than being jumped by a mass mob of snarly Woebegoners
WV: Dlmn starts the season on the bench, I'm going to long for the hard hit grounders to second base.
DK: Alas...I'm going to long for the absence of all vowels from my speech
WV: Vwls rly arnt ncssry
DK: they're wearing 1982 throwbacks...those look best on the radio I hear
WV: I'll be expecting Mickey Hatcher and Roy Smalley to sub in.
TOP 1ST
WV: That awful screeching sound was Mike Sweeney's hip creeking as he approached the batter's box
DK: This at-bat brought to you by the letter K
WV: Not a bad start. Whatever happens, we can take solace in the fact that The Franchise makes a lot less money than SeeSee
DK: Captain Cheezburger did not adjust well to the Yanqui uniform today
BOTTOM 1ST
WV: I bet Target Field can't snag its grass around an opposing pitcher's ankle!
DK: Turf 1, Seattle 0
WV: This is the Dome's way of reasserting its relevance.
DK: i'm going to cross my fingers and hope they put in Silva
WV: Kubel can consider this a mulligan.
WV: Team trainers must all shop at the same Kohls. The knakis and white polos are all the rage there, I hear.
DK: I'm trying to figure out how an opposing pitcher getting an ankle injury elicits the dome PA blasting out "Working at the Carwash"
WV: OK then, I guess the ankle's a non-issue.
TOP 2ND
DK: New year, we must get Beltre out
WV: OK: Baggy 1, Beltre 0. Trying to put a positive spin on this.
WV: Ken Grffey in a Mariners uni! Holy crap, I just flashed back a decade.
DK: The 1982 uniforms don't help with that
DK: We're going to party like it's 1989!
WV: Someone quick! Send some syringes to Jay Buhner!
DK: Next you're going to see Randy Johnson, '80s metal haircut intact, striding out of the bullpen
WV: And alas, just like for most of 1982, we're losing.
BOTTOM 2ND
DK: Crede 0-1 as a Twin in rather short order
DK: Cargo, of course, taking in the fresh aroma of 2009-era bat
WV: We might need the turn to do us some more favors. Maybe next time break Hernandez's leg
DK: prediction: Redmond will try to go the other way
DK: or just strike out looking
TOP 3RD
DK: I'm tearing up - birthday tribute to Bert on FSN showing the WBC triumph over the DR
WV: Next year it'll be a HOF induction!
DK: we can only hope
WV: With the red caps, the Twins bear a strong resemblance to candy canes.
DK: Should I be praying for a Christmas deliverance of runs then?
WV: I know that the D.R., a small island nation, closely resembles Venezuela, a sizable South American country, but I think the Seattle duo needs to stop referring to Liriano as Santana's countryman.
DK: *shrug* 2nd-rate team commands 3rd-rate broadcasting I guess
WV: Then again, maybe Hugo Chavez invaded the D.R. when I wasn't looking.
BOTTOM 3RD
WV: LNP and I share a similar approach to facing Hernandez: Close your eyes and hope for a walk.
DK: Apparently
WV: Nothing wrong with a little small ball here and there
WV: It obviously helps when you have a singles machine like Mauer hitting behind you.
WV: BELTRE!
DK: ok...we'll call that a long sac bunt. positive spin 'n all
WV: I exclaim Beltre like Jerry Seinfeld does "Newman"
TOP 4TH
WV: Stacey: MLB Extra Innings has a free preview this week, so I'm camped out there. But your plight sounds uniquely modernist.
DK: KK's at the dome? Can't we get her to aim a laser pointer at Felix at opportune moments?
WV: You know, beyond that one bad pitch to Beltre, Liriano hasn't been half bad. And I think the laser pointer is a great idea.
BOTTOM 4TH
WV: Just keep repeating to yourself that Crede was an all star last year.....
WV: And pay no mind to the fact that Ron Coomer was also once an "all star"
DK: Beltre's been an all-star too
DK: Difference is, he's playing like one
WV: -----> Dome throws up hands and exclaims, 'Come on guys, I'm running out of tricks!'
TOP 5TH
WV: EMH: I've had the same problem, but it only seems to regurgitate the Flash download when I'm using Safari but works fine with Firefox.
DK: best sign I've seen today: "RED RIVER FLOOD TO METRODOME. CIRCLE US BERT"
WV: 1990: Ken Griffey Jr. hits an opening day homerun off of Bert. Go ahead, use it to impress your friends.
WV: Crap.
DK: Griffey 1, Baggie 0
DK: Redmond still getting abused by hitters
Wv: Holy splintered bats, Batman. You can poke an eye out with that sort of thing!
DK: Dick: "Redmond usually takes one of those or worse at least once a game"
WV: Sometimes, the opposing bench coach fires a blow dart through his aorta
BOTTOM 5TH
DK: I'm admiring Griffey's 3-hop throw to the cutoff man
WV: And his sorry excuse for range
DK: Span, time to be a fucklion
WV: Leodenardo ought to put his bo shaft to good use here.
DK: Tonight ladies and gentlemen, we spell OPS S-P-A-N.
DK: Cuddy needs to not get the silver sombrero here
WV: OK Dimples - you're on the road back to our good graces.
DK: I'll take solace in that we're not going to get shut out. Bases loaded for Morneau
WV: Ugh
DK:.....GIDP....sure
TOP 6TH, M's 2, Twins 1
WV: Hey, Roy Smalley really is there wearing a jersey.
DK: fact: Dlmn wld'v mssd tht
WV: Oh yeah, no question.
DK: we have angered the Turf
WV: That was not Sandcastle at his most graceful moment.
WV: Whatever happens tonight, we blame the unis.
WV: 2-run tater. Barf.
DK: I blame the unis
7TH, M'S 4, TWINS 1
DK: 2009: An assbat odyssey. that's about what it's looking like
8TH INNING
WV: Luis Ayala is here to ably step into Bass's mop up role.
DK: the Turf hates us
DK: Sandcastle is getting washed away
WV: There's no greater fury than a Dome scorned.
DK: 4-6-3 FTW
9TH INNING
ON BLOGGING STRIKE
RK: They've been saving up years to start at the new field
WV: For the record, it's currently 43 degrees in Minneapolis.
RK: I hear from live correspondent KK that Carlos Silva was booed
WV: Well, that's better than being jumped by a mass mob of snarly Woebegoners
WV: Dlmn starts the season on the bench, I'm going to long for the hard hit grounders to second base.
DK: Alas...I'm going to long for the absence of all vowels from my speech
WV: Vwls rly arnt ncssry
DK: they're wearing 1982 throwbacks...those look best on the radio I hear
WV: I'll be expecting Mickey Hatcher and Roy Smalley to sub in.
TOP 1ST
WV: That awful screeching sound was Mike Sweeney's hip creeking as he approached the batter's box
DK: This at-bat brought to you by the letter K
WV: Not a bad start. Whatever happens, we can take solace in the fact that The Franchise makes a lot less money than SeeSee
DK: Captain Cheezburger did not adjust well to the Yanqui uniform today
BOTTOM 1ST
WV: I bet Target Field can't snag its grass around an opposing pitcher's ankle!
DK: Turf 1, Seattle 0
WV: This is the Dome's way of reasserting its relevance.
DK: i'm going to cross my fingers and hope they put in Silva
WV: Kubel can consider this a mulligan.
WV: Team trainers must all shop at the same Kohls. The knakis and white polos are all the rage there, I hear.
DK: I'm trying to figure out how an opposing pitcher getting an ankle injury elicits the dome PA blasting out "Working at the Carwash"
WV: OK then, I guess the ankle's a non-issue.
TOP 2ND
DK: New year, we must get Beltre out
WV: OK: Baggy 1, Beltre 0. Trying to put a positive spin on this.
WV: Ken Grffey in a Mariners uni! Holy crap, I just flashed back a decade.
DK: The 1982 uniforms don't help with that
DK: We're going to party like it's 1989!
WV: Someone quick! Send some syringes to Jay Buhner!
DK: Next you're going to see Randy Johnson, '80s metal haircut intact, striding out of the bullpen
WV: And alas, just like for most of 1982, we're losing.
BOTTOM 2ND
DK: Crede 0-1 as a Twin in rather short order
DK: Cargo, of course, taking in the fresh aroma of 2009-era bat
WV: We might need the turn to do us some more favors. Maybe next time break Hernandez's leg
DK: prediction: Redmond will try to go the other way
DK: or just strike out looking
TOP 3RD
DK: I'm tearing up - birthday tribute to Bert on FSN showing the WBC triumph over the DR
WV: Next year it'll be a HOF induction!
DK: we can only hope
WV: With the red caps, the Twins bear a strong resemblance to candy canes.
DK: Should I be praying for a Christmas deliverance of runs then?
WV: I know that the D.R., a small island nation, closely resembles Venezuela, a sizable South American country, but I think the Seattle duo needs to stop referring to Liriano as Santana's countryman.
DK: *shrug* 2nd-rate team commands 3rd-rate broadcasting I guess
WV: Then again, maybe Hugo Chavez invaded the D.R. when I wasn't looking.
BOTTOM 3RD
WV: LNP and I share a similar approach to facing Hernandez: Close your eyes and hope for a walk.
DK: Apparently
WV: Nothing wrong with a little small ball here and there
WV: It obviously helps when you have a singles machine like Mauer hitting behind you.
WV: BELTRE!
DK: ok...we'll call that a long sac bunt. positive spin 'n all
WV: I exclaim Beltre like Jerry Seinfeld does "Newman"
TOP 4TH
WV: Stacey: MLB Extra Innings has a free preview this week, so I'm camped out there. But your plight sounds uniquely modernist.
DK: KK's at the dome? Can't we get her to aim a laser pointer at Felix at opportune moments?
WV: You know, beyond that one bad pitch to Beltre, Liriano hasn't been half bad. And I think the laser pointer is a great idea.
BOTTOM 4TH
WV: Just keep repeating to yourself that Crede was an all star last year.....
WV: And pay no mind to the fact that Ron Coomer was also once an "all star"
DK: Beltre's been an all-star too
DK: Difference is, he's playing like one
WV: -----> Dome throws up hands and exclaims, 'Come on guys, I'm running out of tricks!'
TOP 5TH
WV: EMH: I've had the same problem, but it only seems to regurgitate the Flash download when I'm using Safari but works fine with Firefox.
DK: best sign I've seen today: "RED RIVER FLOOD TO METRODOME. CIRCLE US BERT"
WV: 1990: Ken Griffey Jr. hits an opening day homerun off of Bert. Go ahead, use it to impress your friends.
WV: Crap.
DK: Griffey 1, Baggie 0
DK: Redmond still getting abused by hitters
Wv: Holy splintered bats, Batman. You can poke an eye out with that sort of thing!
DK: Dick: "Redmond usually takes one of those or worse at least once a game"
WV: Sometimes, the opposing bench coach fires a blow dart through his aorta
BOTTOM 5TH
DK: I'm admiring Griffey's 3-hop throw to the cutoff man
WV: And his sorry excuse for range
DK: Span, time to be a fucklion
WV: Leodenardo ought to put his bo shaft to good use here.
DK: Tonight ladies and gentlemen, we spell OPS S-P-A-N.
DK: Cuddy needs to not get the silver sombrero here
WV: OK Dimples - you're on the road back to our good graces.
DK: I'll take solace in that we're not going to get shut out. Bases loaded for Morneau
WV: Ugh
DK:.....GIDP....sure
TOP 6TH, M's 2, Twins 1
WV: Hey, Roy Smalley really is there wearing a jersey.
DK: fact: Dlmn wld'v mssd tht
WV: Oh yeah, no question.
DK: we have angered the Turf
WV: That was not Sandcastle at his most graceful moment.
WV: Whatever happens tonight, we blame the unis.
WV: 2-run tater. Barf.
DK: I blame the unis
7TH, M'S 4, TWINS 1
DK: 2009: An assbat odyssey. that's about what it's looking like
8TH INNING
WV: Luis Ayala is here to ably step into Bass's mop up role.
DK: the Turf hates us
DK: Sandcastle is getting washed away
WV: There's no greater fury than a Dome scorned.
DK: 4-6-3 FTW
9TH INNING
ON BLOGGING STRIKE
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Smell the Turf Again One More Time For the Last Time
HI EVERYBODY.
We're back. Is everything the same as we left it? Nothing ever is.
You can never go home again.
So let's (re)meet your bloggers:
NAME: RK
HOMETOWN: FARGO, ND
CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A TECHNICAL INSTITUTE
LIKES: CROSSWORD PUZZLES, COLLECTING JERSEYS OF TWINS PLAYERS ONCE THEY'RE NO LONGER ON THE TEAM (MILTON, GUZMAN, PIERZYNSKI, SANTANA, AND COUNTING)
JOB: TEACHES AMERICAN POLITICAL THEORY
INJURIES: BRUISED EGO, BRAISED LEG OF LAMB, WEEVIL FLU, FIELD WORK IN KOREA (15 DAY DL SOMETIME THIS SUMMER), SLAVERY TO FASHION, UNTOLD HORRORS, ABSTRACTION, PAINT-DRINKING
NAME: WV
HOMETOWN: ERIE, ND
CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A JUNIOR COLLEGE
LIKES: RES EXTENSA, BRISKET BARK, LEW FORD BOBBLEHEADS, OH HENRY! BARS
INJURIES: TARNISHED REPUTATION, BROKEN PROMISES, CLUBHOUSE CANCER, NUPTIALS (15 DAY DL IN AUGUST), THOM YORKE'S FALSETTO, KVETCHING, THE LONG BALL
RK: Do you think they get sick of these ridiculous introductions every year?
WV: Well, over the course of the year we shed and regenerate a number of new cells, so I think it's only fair to let them introduce themselves.
RK: Yeah, and also, uh, who is "they?"
WV: My grandmother and a host of bots.
RK: FREE CIALIS
WV: I think we should go the Bill Parcells route and take Batgirl out of retirement, that'll boost traffic.
RK: We'll also sign Terry Glenn. Uh, football! (?) Eye on the prize here, people. We pride ourselves on our relevance
WV: To the chagrin of most everyone who stumbles across this blog. But I digress!
WV: So first things first, what ever will we do while Joe Joe's sacrilegious joint keeps him in DL purgatory?
RK: I, for one, hope OMG's injury boosts sarcophagus awareness. And good thing Elaine Chow isn't secretary of labor anymore! She wouldn't recognize it as a real workplace disability
WV: As a Latin scholar, I'm sure you're aware of that word meaning "flesh eating". So in other words, Mauer's got some problems.
RK: I'm mainly concerned about the toll this will take on Mike Redmond's body. He might disintegrate if this goes too long
WV: We'll need a sarcophagus if Redmond has to catch for any extended period of time.
RK: And who thought we'd be longing for Baker?
WV: Not me, but I also occasionally long for Tony Batista, so go figure.
RK: Hopefully the lemnas will heal him and he'll come back from Rivendell. And that's a good point. For the first time in a long time there isn't some lurking (c)agey veteran in the wings to provide us material
WV: And with R.A. Dickey making the team, the nicknames are practically writing themselves.
RK: Hope springs eternal
WV: But as you know, whenever the Indians or Bitch Sox are expected to win the division, things turn out fine for us.
RK: Absolutely. Let's go comment on other Twins blogs to artificially jack up our readership for a day or two. Deal?
WV: Alright, I'll be the flamer, you be the good cop.
We're back. Is everything the same as we left it? Nothing ever is.
You can never go home again.
So let's (re)meet your bloggers:
NAME: RKHOMETOWN: FARGO, ND
CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A TECHNICAL INSTITUTE
LIKES: CROSSWORD PUZZLES, COLLECTING JERSEYS OF TWINS PLAYERS ONCE THEY'RE NO LONGER ON THE TEAM (MILTON, GUZMAN, PIERZYNSKI, SANTANA, AND COUNTING)
JOB: TEACHES AMERICAN POLITICAL THEORY
INJURIES: BRUISED EGO, BRAISED LEG OF LAMB, WEEVIL FLU, FIELD WORK IN KOREA (15 DAY DL SOMETIME THIS SUMMER), SLAVERY TO FASHION, UNTOLD HORRORS, ABSTRACTION, PAINT-DRINKING
NAME: WVHOMETOWN: ERIE, ND
CURRENTLY ATTENDING: A JUNIOR COLLEGE
LIKES: RES EXTENSA, BRISKET BARK, LEW FORD BOBBLEHEADS, OH HENRY! BARS
INJURIES: TARNISHED REPUTATION, BROKEN PROMISES, CLUBHOUSE CANCER, NUPTIALS (15 DAY DL IN AUGUST), THOM YORKE'S FALSETTO, KVETCHING, THE LONG BALL
RK: Do you think they get sick of these ridiculous introductions every year?
WV: Well, over the course of the year we shed and regenerate a number of new cells, so I think it's only fair to let them introduce themselves.
RK: Yeah, and also, uh, who is "they?"
WV: My grandmother and a host of bots.
RK: FREE CIALIS
WV: I think we should go the Bill Parcells route and take Batgirl out of retirement, that'll boost traffic.
RK: We'll also sign Terry Glenn. Uh, football! (?) Eye on the prize here, people. We pride ourselves on our relevance
WV: To the chagrin of most everyone who stumbles across this blog. But I digress!
WV: So first things first, what ever will we do while Joe Joe's sacrilegious joint keeps him in DL purgatory?
RK: I, for one, hope OMG's injury boosts sarcophagus awareness. And good thing Elaine Chow isn't secretary of labor anymore! She wouldn't recognize it as a real workplace disability
WV: As a Latin scholar, I'm sure you're aware of that word meaning "flesh eating". So in other words, Mauer's got some problems.
RK: I'm mainly concerned about the toll this will take on Mike Redmond's body. He might disintegrate if this goes too long
WV: We'll need a sarcophagus if Redmond has to catch for any extended period of time.
RK: And who thought we'd be longing for Baker?
WV: Not me, but I also occasionally long for Tony Batista, so go figure.
RK: Hopefully the lemnas will heal him and he'll come back from Rivendell. And that's a good point. For the first time in a long time there isn't some lurking (c)agey veteran in the wings to provide us material
WV: And with R.A. Dickey making the team, the nicknames are practically writing themselves.
RK: Hope springs eternal
WV: But as you know, whenever the Indians or Bitch Sox are expected to win the division, things turn out fine for us.
RK: Absolutely. Let's go comment on other Twins blogs to artificially jack up our readership for a day or two. Deal?
WV: Alright, I'll be the flamer, you be the good cop.
