Wednesday, October 25, 2006
*UPDATE* Thomas Edward John, Jr. Surgery and You! (Or: Oh Shit!)
Before beginning this post, consider this list of names: Chris Carpenter, Mariano Rivera, John Smoltz, Tom Gordon: All pretty good pitchers who have succumbed to Thomas Edward John, Jr. surgery and come out ok. Carpenter, indeed, won a Cy Young a couple of seasons after jettisoning his bothersome ligament. This all brings me to everyone's favorte pie-in-the-sky, Kiko Liriano. Yeah, I called him Kiko. Big whup. Wanna fight about it?
So his "rehab" isn't going well. That's not a shocking revelation. I could link to a previous post where we predicted that this would be the case, but every other blogger and armchair orthopedic surgeon did so as well back in September. Which, not coincidentally, should have been when this surgery decision was made. Rather than continuing the current course, I hope the Twins wrap him in a box, put an "Extremely Fragile" sticker next to the address label, and ship him straight off to Dr. Andrews in Birmingham. In this event, we can at least get Kiko back at full strength for *most* of 2008.
Some may say, yeah, but what about Joe Mays? Others may now be saying, "Who?" I say, I like Joe Mays. I think his difficulties were compounded by the fact that he came back to the Twins not fully recovered and struggled. Then, he went to Kansas City. Do we really believe his troubles there were soley the result of having Tommy John surgery? See Mark Redman for proof of what happens to slightly above average pitchers being the Royals' big free agent signing.
The most tragic result of all of this is none other than another bothersome pitcher, Carlos Silva. If Liriano's ligament is toast or even if another kind of surgery delays his starting next season, you can bet Ryan will pick up Gordito's option. The word silva in latin literally means forest, but was metaphorically used by St. Thomas Aquinas to mean "unformed matter" and "untrained memory". How appropriate is that? Not only is he an unformed slop-throwing glob of fat, but if his option is picked up as a result of this..ahem..bump in the road...it'll show that Terry Ryan clearly cannot remember the train wreck that was Gordito's 2006 season.
IF Liriano has Thomas Edward John, Jr. surgery, he may come back stronger than before, but it is by no means a "bump in the road". At least for the Twins' 2007 season. I'm not predicting last place. But it is quite a blow for a team with World Series aspirations. We could say, "Well, maybe Terry Ryan can sign or trade for a real difference maker.." Beyond Luis Castillo, when has Terry Ryan ever done that during the off-season? To get a pitcher that could approach filling Kiko's shoes, we would likely have to give up a top tier prospect like Kevin Slowey (something Ryan likens to the bubonic plague) or shell out a prodigious amount of clams (something Pohlad likens to a brain tumor). So, in other words, Scott Baker: Put on your big boy pants.
---WV
UPDATE:
The Strib is officially reporting that Kiko will undergo Thomas Edward John, Jr. surgery, a move that will sideline him for the 2007 season. This clearly was weighing on the Twins' minds when they picked up Silva's option earlier this week, which hopefully will work out for the best. This is what it sounds like when doves cry.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Things That Haven't Happened Since 2003
---Yugoslavia has not existed.
---Gray Davis has not been governor of California.
---Catherine Zeta-Jones has not won an Oscar; and now dedicates herself to cell phone commercials.
---Evanescence has not won a Grammy...or been seen. Get it?
---Brad Johnson has not won a Super Bowl. Look it up, it happened.
---Counting Crows, Kid Rock and Train have not had top 10 singles. Thank sweet Jesus.
---And until yesterday, the National League had not won a game in the World Series.
So there you go, welcome back to the real world, National League. As impressive as Pujols and Rolen looked last night, I still look for Detroit to settle down and come back in this series. Verlander, the rookie he is, might have felt jittery and missed his spots. If he lets the cameras get close enough, look for Kenny Rogers to bring a veteran presence to the mound tonight and even up the series.
In other news, we at Pulling A Blyleven wholeheartedly agree with the decision to extend Ron Ron's contract. Going to the playoffs 4 out of 5 seasons merits such an endorsement, even if only one of those years featured an appearance in the ALCS. On a side note, they also extended the contracts of all of the other coaches, including Scott "hey, the shorstop already has the relay, go home!" Ulger. While that decision gives me mixed feelings, it does serve as a reminder that bringing in Vavra last season was the right move and hopefully the hitting can continue to improve next season.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Impossible is Nothing--Both for Aleksey Vayner* and the Detroit Tigers
*Your'e about to see a video about a senior at Yale named Aleksey Vayner. He sent this video to UBS as part of his resume. Keep this in mind. He wanted to use this video to secure a job as a finance banker But it was all a pack of lies, apparently. His 140mph serve, benching 495. The charity he's a CEO of is fake (and the copyright infringement may get him in even more hot water!) Anyway, we put this on here because we have severe Ivy League schadenfreude and because we like seeing bad people having bad things happen to them. He says he wrote a book about the holocaust in terms of gender studies - fabricated whole cloth. It's all on Gawker.com. Anyway, we put it up here so you could enjoy the stupidity and it's justifiably up here because he calls himself a professional athlete, and this is a sports blog, right? The difference between Vayner and us? Sure, we make stuff up. But we're not assholes.
---RK
CEO and Professional Athlete.
Coincidentally, like Aleksey, the Tigers have become a model of personal development and inspiration to many around them. It's a generally accepted notion that people are happier when they grow, develop and are good at what they do.
It was nice to see the A's play like the Twins did in the first round. How does it feel bitches? You get to go home on the same flight as Steve Lyons, and you didn't even have to insult the entire hispanic population to do it. Moreover, it has been most gratifying to see the smug smile disappear from Nick Swisher's face. At this point, can you deny that Detroit is the team of destiny this year? Not only did they get out of their 68 year indentured apprenticeship to Dmitri Young, but they get to go to the World Series too! By the way, how does Steve Lyons get fired but McCarver continues to say things such as, "Delgado went up there looking to yank it, but he jerked it instead"? It's a difficult question--right up there with, "Why do they rock so hard?"
But good thing they're doing well. I'd hate to see how many TV cameras Kenny Rogers would hurl on his way out of Comerica. Oh right....he's been reincarnated as the veteran mentor savior to the Tigers' pitching staff; last season is a distant memory. My bad. But seriously, the Tiggers get a week off, and will likely steamroll whoever AAA sends at them, whether it be the Mets or Cardinals.
One could argue that the rest will have a negative effect on Detroit. I'd say that with their young arms, Bonderman and Verlander, being overworked this season, the rest will be benificial. Besides, can you really pinpoint what is considered bad for this team? If being swept by the Royals at home to lose the division isn't a bad omen, what is? Maybe during their week off they can call in Runelvys Hernandez to throw them some BP.
---WV
CEO and Professional Athlete
---RK
CEO and Professional Athlete.
Coincidentally, like Aleksey, the Tigers have become a model of personal development and inspiration to many around them. It's a generally accepted notion that people are happier when they grow, develop and are good at what they do.
It was nice to see the A's play like the Twins did in the first round. How does it feel bitches? You get to go home on the same flight as Steve Lyons, and you didn't even have to insult the entire hispanic population to do it. Moreover, it has been most gratifying to see the smug smile disappear from Nick Swisher's face. At this point, can you deny that Detroit is the team of destiny this year? Not only did they get out of their 68 year indentured apprenticeship to Dmitri Young, but they get to go to the World Series too! By the way, how does Steve Lyons get fired but McCarver continues to say things such as, "Delgado went up there looking to yank it, but he jerked it instead"? It's a difficult question--right up there with, "Why do they rock so hard?"
But good thing they're doing well. I'd hate to see how many TV cameras Kenny Rogers would hurl on his way out of Comerica. Oh right....he's been reincarnated as the veteran mentor savior to the Tigers' pitching staff; last season is a distant memory. My bad. But seriously, the Tiggers get a week off, and will likely steamroll whoever AAA sends at them, whether it be the Mets or Cardinals.
One could argue that the rest will have a negative effect on Detroit. I'd say that with their young arms, Bonderman and Verlander, being overworked this season, the rest will be benificial. Besides, can you really pinpoint what is considered bad for this team? If being swept by the Royals at home to lose the division isn't a bad omen, what is? Maybe during their week off they can call in Runelvys Hernandez to throw them some BP.
---WV
CEO and Professional Athlete
Friday, October 13, 2006
It's Not A Matter Of Life And Death: A Polemic
On October 11th, somebody died far too young.
Not much is known about Charles Wayne Holland II, from Rocky Mount, Virginia. He was 23, had a job, and probably was thinking what he wanted to do with his life. You don't know what his job was or anything about him because he didn't get paid millions of dollars to play a boy's game.
You probably thought I was going to talk about Corey Lidle. I didn't know Charles or Corey, and as such, I can't speak to either of these two guys. But you know about Corey and you don't know about Charles. Why is that?
Sure, we're in the realm of sports. But the death of a baseball player, active or not, the stuff of a panegyric does not make. The touching tributes to Buck O'Neil? Where are they? Is he still in your prayers? Are you really praying for Corey Lidle and his family? Do you pray for everybody who dies by their name?
Look, I know this has the capacity to make me extremely unpopular, but it's my position that if it takes the death of an athlete to make you realize how fragile life is, you need to re-adjust your outlook on life. Does this mean I don't care that he and his flight instructor died? No. It's sad, though not a tragedy. He conscientiously undertook an activity that carries with it a risk, however small, of ending your life.
There's a great line in the Prairie Home Companion about death:
Lola: What if you die someday?
Garrison: I will die.
Lola: Don't you want people to remember me?
Garrison: I don't want them to be told to remember me.
--RK
Not much is known about Charles Wayne Holland II, from Rocky Mount, Virginia. He was 23, had a job, and probably was thinking what he wanted to do with his life. You don't know what his job was or anything about him because he didn't get paid millions of dollars to play a boy's game.
You probably thought I was going to talk about Corey Lidle. I didn't know Charles or Corey, and as such, I can't speak to either of these two guys. But you know about Corey and you don't know about Charles. Why is that?
Sure, we're in the realm of sports. But the death of a baseball player, active or not, the stuff of a panegyric does not make. The touching tributes to Buck O'Neil? Where are they? Is he still in your prayers? Are you really praying for Corey Lidle and his family? Do you pray for everybody who dies by their name?
Look, I know this has the capacity to make me extremely unpopular, but it's my position that if it takes the death of an athlete to make you realize how fragile life is, you need to re-adjust your outlook on life. Does this mean I don't care that he and his flight instructor died? No. It's sad, though not a tragedy. He conscientiously undertook an activity that carries with it a risk, however small, of ending your life.
There's a great line in the Prairie Home Companion about death:
Lola: What if you die someday?
Garrison: I will die.
Lola: Don't you want people to remember me?
Garrison: I don't want them to be told to remember me.
--RK
Thursday, October 12, 2006
They Can Talk!
To prove that I neither have a face for TV nor a voice for radio, go and check out the latest episode of The Last Shot Podcast where I was brought in to assist in reviewing the Twins' 2006 season. Buen provecho.
--WV
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Oh Sweet Cheeks, I Could Never Quit You
Hey, looks like we'll see Sinn Fein in a Twins uniform at least for the first part of next season. Let's hope a contract extension can be hammered out, but for now it's good to know that he'll be back in the spring.
I'd put a link to the article, but I don't know how to do that... so what the hell good am I?
Enjoy the baseball tonight!
-RK
I'd put a link to the article, but I don't know how to do that... so what the hell good am I?
Enjoy the baseball tonight!
-RK
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Denouement
RK: That really was a hell of a season. But a hell of a time to have the bats go totally silent. Ask the Jankees for more information.
WV: At least we weren't paying somebody 20 million to go 1 for 14.
RK: Right, but like you were saying before, it's because it's the postseason it's all magnified. When the offensive slump before the All-Star break happened in Texas, it was similar. Just a bad break here.
WV: Bad break, but some positives if you squint hard enough. Justin Morneau, for example. Great defense, 5 for 16 on offense with 2 dingers.
RK: Yeah, there was some decent production from the 3-7 guys. If only some of the pirantas had been on base for those blasts. All the homers were solo shots
WV: Right. The series wasn't totally out of our reach. Without a couple of errors and a few clutch 2-out hits and we might still be playing.
RK: And that's what made this one tough. Some lapses in the team's strengths (bullpen, getting on base, defense) were hard to swallow.
WV: Indeed, like my father's stuffed porkchops.
RK: It would have been one thing if they would have been outslugged because their starting pitching was shaky. But that held up surprisingly well.
WV: It did. Hard to fault Brad Radke for his uneven performance. Beyond that, it was fine. I especially was encouraged by Bonser, he may be a legit number 2 next season. No counting on Liriano at this point.
RK: I hope he doesn't get all Mark Prior on us. They've already dodged that bullet once. So it comes down to a couple breaking balls hung, a couple balls bobbled, a couple too many strikeouts, and here we are. I think this may be the closest 3-0 series I've seen.
WV: At least I like the remaining teams. Tigres/Properly Punctuated A's is a good matchup. And the Twins are in a good spot. This is a team, after all, that won nearly 100 games last season.
RK: So let me get all V.I. Lenin on you and ask "What is to be done?"
WV: I'll shoot back a Leninism at you: "One man with a gun can control 100 without one". And I'm referring to Liriano's gun and whether the trigger needs ligament surgery.
RK: You really think the season rides on him? I think it's more important to get Sinn Fein back at this point. I know the Twins have a glut of outfielders, but again, Jasonthing1 at center? He'd be playing defense farther back than he's ever hit a ball.
WV: Tyner in center makes me cringe.
RK: I don't think they'll get any starting pitching. Which could be scary. I have a sneaking suspicion Silva will be around next year. And with the New Real Fair Square Deal and Leek Spring, you may be able to put something together
WV: As do I. The question is do you pick up his option at 4.5 mil or let him go to arbitration. He can't be worth that much, but then again, Kyle Lohse won his case the last two years. Maybe the New Real Fair Square Deal, with a full Spring Training and a year of experience will take a step forward.
RK: I'd certainly hope so
WV: Remember when Rubik's Kubel was a hot outfield prospect? I wonder if he'll be in the lineup much next year.
RK: I think his knees bend both ways now.
WV: As Hoverboard has shown, you do not need two good knees, or even a good shoulder, to play left field. But when you hit .240...Hm.
RK: It's funny, because we'd joke about Sinn Fein, but once his ankle was 100% and he hit all those homeruns to get his team to the postseason, well, I was persuaded entirely.
WV: The thing about Hunter is that he made 10 million this season so if you figure in the 2 million buy-out clause, he'd be making the same thing next season. Not the end of the world if you pick it up. Not when you've got nearly 25 million coming off the books
RK: And when you look at the olde-tyme team of 2002, a lot of those players are gone, and almost to a man have been upgraded. I don't think Hunter has an upgrade. So even though it's fun to break up with players before they break up with you because that's how our small market team rolls, we should probably keep this one.
WV: Me either. Little did we know, 2002 was a group of Sophists. And anyway, if things go bad, you trade him at mid-season and get a few prospects.
RK: I'm sure Boston would love to have him.
WV: Or hell, trade him to S.F. and get a couple of future All-Stars.
RK: Yeah, that well can't be dry yet.
WV: The nice thing about the team is that player wise, there's not a lot to debate. It's more about who they can sign to extensions and for how much.
RK: Right, everything else looks set. Do you get rid of Crain?
WV: Not at all. He was damn near unhittable after the All Star break.
RK: Well we're in total agreement about that.
WV: And if Joowan gets his panties in a bunch again you need a reinforcement.
RK: Right, otherwise I wouldn't change the bullpen... except maybe get a new junkman. Not that I don't like Willie Eyre-in go bragh! I'm of the impression that your longman should be a young guy with potential to be a future starter. Does Eyre-in go bragh! strike you as that person?
WV: No, he seems like the type that would blow himself up with a poorly made pipe bomb.
RK: Or a poorly made changeup. Perkins would have been a good option, but I think he'll be in the rotation next year.
WV: The fact that he only made 2 starts in AAA might complicate that. But the progression through AAA is overrated anyway. We're not at a loss for examples of that
RK: So we're in good shape. Let's just hope they can do it all over again.
WV: I think the White Sox are going to fall flat on their faces next season, a la Cleveland.
RK: So that'll be satisfying.
WV: Our competition will be Cleveland and Detroit. And I feel OK with that.
RK: Couple of good teams with good organizations.
WV: If the Tigers make the series this year, or even if they don't, they may rest on their laurels and regress. They do have older players like Rogers, I-Rod and Sean Casey who certainly won't get any better.
RK: I think their rotation will keep them in contention though.
WV: I'm secretly hoping that Verlander and Bonderman's arms go to hell after throwing so many innings this season. Much like Maroth's already has.
RK: See, I can't muster up much Detroit schadenfreude, they came out of the sucking time and theirs was twice as long as ours.
WV: Joe Torre out. Lou Piniella in!?
RK: I about spit out my diet Mountain Dew when I hear that on SportsCenter last night.
WV: Steinbrenner really would stab his mother in the back if it meant a win
RK: But I have plenty of Jankee schadenfreude! ESPN headline: "Fewer than dozen fans greet dazed Yanks in New York"
WV: Well, if nothing else, we should feel better about ourselves there. It would be nice to see Detroit win it all. It would be nice to see Detroit win it all.
RK: Count me a Tigers fan the rest of the way through. It'll be fun to watch these good teams go at it and then pummel the NAAAtional League representative.
So everybody, thanks for reading these heavily edited (for spelling and content) but otherwise faithful transcriptions of the IM conversations William and Robert have during the games. Well be updating periodically during the offseason as the news allows, and maybe not even just Twins news either, you lucky devils (Honestly, Robert's a freak and checks the baseball wire twice a day even in January). Watch and enjoy some baseball, and periodically come and say "Hi" and we'll blow some kisses your way too.
-William and Robert
_______________
ADDENDUM:
Some of the less savory types may object: "But what of Ragnarok? False prophet! Judas!" And I'd say yikes, buddy, take it easy, see if I invite you over for some sponge cake and Ginja. Though I suppose I'm guilty of some short-term hysterics. Remember when the Romans sacked the temple in Jerusalem in A.D. 70? Perhaps you read about it. The reason they did that was because every time a charismatic or important or powerful person, Israel would scream "The Messiah! The Messiah!" and the Romans eventually saw the danger in that and demolished everything. So Jewish leaders got together and said, "We gotta make like a Beastie Boys album and Check our Head" (direct quote) and so was instituted the notion of long-range Messianism. Not to equate Twins Baseball with one of the world religions (OK, so exactly to do that) but we should have long-range Ragnarok. To have our team play the game the right way and when the game is played at its rightest (?) there won't be an external event to institute the rebirth of the world, but rather will become that way through the appeal to the Good Baseball Life. Long range, people.
-RK
WV: At least we weren't paying somebody 20 million to go 1 for 14.
RK: Right, but like you were saying before, it's because it's the postseason it's all magnified. When the offensive slump before the All-Star break happened in Texas, it was similar. Just a bad break here.
WV: Bad break, but some positives if you squint hard enough. Justin Morneau, for example. Great defense, 5 for 16 on offense with 2 dingers.
RK: Yeah, there was some decent production from the 3-7 guys. If only some of the pirantas had been on base for those blasts. All the homers were solo shots
WV: Right. The series wasn't totally out of our reach. Without a couple of errors and a few clutch 2-out hits and we might still be playing.
RK: And that's what made this one tough. Some lapses in the team's strengths (bullpen, getting on base, defense) were hard to swallow.
WV: Indeed, like my father's stuffed porkchops.
RK: It would have been one thing if they would have been outslugged because their starting pitching was shaky. But that held up surprisingly well.
WV: It did. Hard to fault Brad Radke for his uneven performance. Beyond that, it was fine. I especially was encouraged by Bonser, he may be a legit number 2 next season. No counting on Liriano at this point.
RK: I hope he doesn't get all Mark Prior on us. They've already dodged that bullet once. So it comes down to a couple breaking balls hung, a couple balls bobbled, a couple too many strikeouts, and here we are. I think this may be the closest 3-0 series I've seen.
WV: At least I like the remaining teams. Tigres/Properly Punctuated A's is a good matchup. And the Twins are in a good spot. This is a team, after all, that won nearly 100 games last season.
RK: So let me get all V.I. Lenin on you and ask "What is to be done?"
WV: I'll shoot back a Leninism at you: "One man with a gun can control 100 without one". And I'm referring to Liriano's gun and whether the trigger needs ligament surgery.
RK: You really think the season rides on him? I think it's more important to get Sinn Fein back at this point. I know the Twins have a glut of outfielders, but again, Jasonthing1 at center? He'd be playing defense farther back than he's ever hit a ball.
WV: Tyner in center makes me cringe.
RK: I don't think they'll get any starting pitching. Which could be scary. I have a sneaking suspicion Silva will be around next year. And with the New Real Fair Square Deal and Leek Spring, you may be able to put something together
WV: As do I. The question is do you pick up his option at 4.5 mil or let him go to arbitration. He can't be worth that much, but then again, Kyle Lohse won his case the last two years. Maybe the New Real Fair Square Deal, with a full Spring Training and a year of experience will take a step forward.
RK: I'd certainly hope so
WV: Remember when Rubik's Kubel was a hot outfield prospect? I wonder if he'll be in the lineup much next year.
RK: I think his knees bend both ways now.
WV: As Hoverboard has shown, you do not need two good knees, or even a good shoulder, to play left field. But when you hit .240...Hm.
RK: It's funny, because we'd joke about Sinn Fein, but once his ankle was 100% and he hit all those homeruns to get his team to the postseason, well, I was persuaded entirely.
WV: The thing about Hunter is that he made 10 million this season so if you figure in the 2 million buy-out clause, he'd be making the same thing next season. Not the end of the world if you pick it up. Not when you've got nearly 25 million coming off the books
RK: And when you look at the olde-tyme team of 2002, a lot of those players are gone, and almost to a man have been upgraded. I don't think Hunter has an upgrade. So even though it's fun to break up with players before they break up with you because that's how our small market team rolls, we should probably keep this one.
WV: Me either. Little did we know, 2002 was a group of Sophists. And anyway, if things go bad, you trade him at mid-season and get a few prospects.
RK: I'm sure Boston would love to have him.
WV: Or hell, trade him to S.F. and get a couple of future All-Stars.
RK: Yeah, that well can't be dry yet.
WV: The nice thing about the team is that player wise, there's not a lot to debate. It's more about who they can sign to extensions and for how much.
RK: Right, everything else looks set. Do you get rid of Crain?
WV: Not at all. He was damn near unhittable after the All Star break.
RK: Well we're in total agreement about that.
WV: And if Joowan gets his panties in a bunch again you need a reinforcement.
RK: Right, otherwise I wouldn't change the bullpen... except maybe get a new junkman. Not that I don't like Willie Eyre-in go bragh! I'm of the impression that your longman should be a young guy with potential to be a future starter. Does Eyre-in go bragh! strike you as that person?
WV: No, he seems like the type that would blow himself up with a poorly made pipe bomb.
RK: Or a poorly made changeup. Perkins would have been a good option, but I think he'll be in the rotation next year.
WV: The fact that he only made 2 starts in AAA might complicate that. But the progression through AAA is overrated anyway. We're not at a loss for examples of that
RK: So we're in good shape. Let's just hope they can do it all over again.
WV: I think the White Sox are going to fall flat on their faces next season, a la Cleveland.
RK: So that'll be satisfying.
WV: Our competition will be Cleveland and Detroit. And I feel OK with that.
RK: Couple of good teams with good organizations.
WV: If the Tigers make the series this year, or even if they don't, they may rest on their laurels and regress. They do have older players like Rogers, I-Rod and Sean Casey who certainly won't get any better.
RK: I think their rotation will keep them in contention though.
WV: I'm secretly hoping that Verlander and Bonderman's arms go to hell after throwing so many innings this season. Much like Maroth's already has.
RK: See, I can't muster up much Detroit schadenfreude, they came out of the sucking time and theirs was twice as long as ours.
WV: Joe Torre out. Lou Piniella in!?
RK: I about spit out my diet Mountain Dew when I hear that on SportsCenter last night.
WV: Steinbrenner really would stab his mother in the back if it meant a win
RK: But I have plenty of Jankee schadenfreude! ESPN headline: "Fewer than dozen fans greet dazed Yanks in New York"
WV: Well, if nothing else, we should feel better about ourselves there. It would be nice to see Detroit win it all. It would be nice to see Detroit win it all.
RK: Count me a Tigers fan the rest of the way through. It'll be fun to watch these good teams go at it and then pummel the NAAAtional League representative.
So everybody, thanks for reading these heavily edited (for spelling and content) but otherwise faithful transcriptions of the IM conversations William and Robert have during the games. Well be updating periodically during the offseason as the news allows, and maybe not even just Twins news either, you lucky devils (Honestly, Robert's a freak and checks the baseball wire twice a day even in January). Watch and enjoy some baseball, and periodically come and say "Hi" and we'll blow some kisses your way too.
-William and Robert
_______________
ADDENDUM:
Some of the less savory types may object: "But what of Ragnarok? False prophet! Judas!" And I'd say yikes, buddy, take it easy, see if I invite you over for some sponge cake and Ginja. Though I suppose I'm guilty of some short-term hysterics. Remember when the Romans sacked the temple in Jerusalem in A.D. 70? Perhaps you read about it. The reason they did that was because every time a charismatic or important or powerful person, Israel would scream "The Messiah! The Messiah!" and the Romans eventually saw the danger in that and demolished everything. So Jewish leaders got together and said, "We gotta make like a Beastie Boys album and Check our Head" (direct quote) and so was instituted the notion of long-range Messianism. Not to equate Twins Baseball with one of the world religions (OK, so exactly to do that) but we should have long-range Ragnarok. To have our team play the game the right way and when the game is played at its rightest (?) there won't be an external event to institute the rebirth of the world, but rather will become that way through the appeal to the Good Baseball Life. Long range, people.
-RK
Friday, October 06, 2006
Let's Make Some Space
We're just going to take a step back. I was red in the face watching this game, between Bartlett's error, Torii's being safe, Radke leaving it all out there, we're going to wait for tomorrow to say anything.
Rant all you want today, tomorrow is the catharsis.
Rant all you want today, tomorrow is the catharsis.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Memo to Twins: You Don't Get 12 Game Deficits To Make-Up In The Playoffs
The 3rd phase of Ragnarok appears to be an insurmountable objective. Little did we know yesterday that Loki is not in fact Frank Thomas, but offensivefutility. It has been a strange couple of days. Jason Bartlett forgot that you run the bases counter-clockwise. Luis Castillo failed to remember that grooved fastballs thrown down the middle of the plate are, in fact, strikes. And finally, Torii Hunter didn't notice that Jason Kendell, if not for Frank Thomas, the slowest player on the A's roster, probably doesn't even make 3rd on a single. The whole mess is quite the Rubik's Kubel.
Really, Hunter's face flop is a microcosm of how this series is playing out for the team at large. As is proscribed in Ragnarok, the final devastation entails a glorious and earth shaking slaughter of the Gods. What seems, however, to be occuring, is a feeble flutter of called third strikes and slow relays to first on potential double plays.
What's lost in this is great starting pitching. The Twins' starters are posting a 3.00 ERA thus far while the relievers, our supposed strength, are sitting at 7.20. With an epidemic of offensivefutility infecting the Twins' hitters, that will not cut it. It's like a guy with a vasectomy going to a sperm bank, it simply is not going to produce. So what's the point?
But as always, hope springs eternal (yeah, I know, lots of hope here so far). The Twins seem to prefer playing from a position of weakness devoid of any and all expectations. If we can somehow muster two wins in Oakland against Haren and Harden, we can look with anticipation to JoJo pitching game 5 at home. For that to happen, these scenarios must play out:
---Cuddyer needs to quit with the Troy Williamson impression and stop bobbling everything hit in the vicinity of Cuddyland.
---Puntober cannot continue being Punt0-fer. You know Nicky, you're not automatically called out if you take more than 3 pitches.
---Sinn Fein: I understand that great reward involves risk. That, coincidentally, does not excuse your disappearing act at the plate. Pull a Badiou and discover some fidelity to the Event (being RAGNAROK, of course.)
---EVERYONE: Not building rallies and depending on the long ball to catch up sounds a lot like something the White Flags would do. This isn't fielding practice for Marco Scuttaro, it's ok to hit some balls into the gap.
---Gardy: This is the playoffs, if your starters are cruising, there's no need to automatically yank them with 100 pitches thrown. At this point, I'll stick with Bonser and Herzegovina at 100 pitches over Joowan any time. Preserving their arms will really pay off when they're casting their bait on Lake Minnetonka next weekend. That was sarcasm, by the way, Ron.
And somebody, please somebody, knock that smug grin off of Nick Swisher's face. And is it too late for Liriano to mount another comeback? Just checking.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Lies, Damn Lies, Statistics, And A Working Glossary
_______________
A WORKING GLOSSARY:
Some of you may be new 'round these parts and don't have the time to read 5000 word entries for even the lowliest of games. So as we head into the final phase of the end-times, we'd like to take this opportunity to explain some of our words'n'phrases.
Ragnarok: Eschatological backdrop for our epic here. Click the link above Gardy and you can fill in the blanks as you read the myth.
Johan Santana: JoJo, El Presidente
Brad Radke: Dark Beard (anagram)
Carlos Silva: Gordito, "I was once a major league pitcher"
Boof Bonser: Bonser & Herzegovina
Matt Garza: Zagat Mart (anagram), The New Real Deal
Scott Baker: Rocket Bats (Most appropriate anagram of all time)
Alexi Casilla: Sandcastle, Little House On The Prairie
Justin Morneau: Justin Moryes, Justin Credible, Justine, Dr. Neau (stolen from Bat Girl)
Joe Mauer: Mauer Pauer, The Rightful Heir to the Batting Title, Joe from Grand Avenue
Mike Remond: Redman (Because of his chew, not the KC pitcher), Sis-boom-bah
Luis Castillo: King of the Castle, Knees
Jason Bartlett: Pear King, Jasonthing 2 of the Tripartite Jasoncreature
Nick Punto: Dererving winner, but will probably get screwed out of, a Rawlings Gold Glove at 3B (but mostly we just call him Little Nicky)
Rondell White: Ron-DL, George Clinton, Knees, The Undell, Hoverboard (Back to the Future II omage. It only works in the outfield, not on the basepaths or water)
Torii Hunter: Torrid, Sinn Fein (Not sure how we got that one)
Michael Cuddyer: Cuddy, Fuckin' Cuddy, Dimples, Cuddy Ruxpin, State of Virginia football freak
Phil Nevin: Shhh! Don't scare him away. Seriously, who is this guy?
Jason Tyner: DH? (inflection is key here) Jasonthing 1 of the triune Jasonhead
Jason Kubel: DL, Rubik's Kubel, the elusive Jasonthing 3 of the tristate Jasonarea, Kubel Khan
Dennys Reyes: Denny's Sampler Platter, Ultraviolet Reyes, Gordo, Zapata, Mexican Independence Day
Jesse Crain: The Crainadian
Matt Guerrier: Matt Guerrier
Pat Neshek: Death Metal
Juan Rincon: Second Half Slump, Joowan
Willie Eyre: Willie Eyre-in go bragh!
Joe Nathan: (All ripped off from Batgirl) The Nathanest of Joes, Twitch'n'Pitch
I think that about covers it. Feel free to add your own, and we may incorporate them into our lexicon!
And finally, to those of you confused with our list of erudition: All of those works listed on that sidebar have been either explicitly or implicitly referenced in our posts. If you read a post and go, "Hm, that sounds an awful lot like a concept I read in Habermas's "Between Facts and Norms," it probably is. It's a way of validating having to read these godawful books and it makes us feel better about working on the blog rather than doing our homework. Sneaky Straussian references and we can all pat ourselves on the back. Ah, that feels better.
A WORKING GLOSSARY:
Some of you may be new 'round these parts and don't have the time to read 5000 word entries for even the lowliest of games. So as we head into the final phase of the end-times, we'd like to take this opportunity to explain some of our words'n'phrases.
Ragnarok: Eschatological backdrop for our epic here. Click the link above Gardy and you can fill in the blanks as you read the myth.
Johan Santana: JoJo, El Presidente
Brad Radke: Dark Beard (anagram)
Carlos Silva: Gordito, "I was once a major league pitcher"
Boof Bonser: Bonser & Herzegovina
Matt Garza: Zagat Mart (anagram), The New Real Deal
Scott Baker: Rocket Bats (Most appropriate anagram of all time)
Alexi Casilla: Sandcastle, Little House On The Prairie
Justin Morneau: Justin Moryes, Justin Credible, Justine, Dr. Neau (stolen from Bat Girl)
Joe Mauer: Mauer Pauer, The Rightful Heir to the Batting Title, Joe from Grand Avenue
Mike Remond: Redman (Because of his chew, not the KC pitcher), Sis-boom-bah
Luis Castillo: King of the Castle, Knees
Jason Bartlett: Pear King, Jasonthing 2 of the Tripartite Jasoncreature
Nick Punto: Dererving winner, but will probably get screwed out of, a Rawlings Gold Glove at 3B (but mostly we just call him Little Nicky)
Rondell White: Ron-DL, George Clinton, Knees, The Undell, Hoverboard (Back to the Future II omage. It only works in the outfield, not on the basepaths or water)
Torii Hunter: Torrid, Sinn Fein (Not sure how we got that one)
Michael Cuddyer: Cuddy, Fuckin' Cuddy, Dimples, Cuddy Ruxpin, State of Virginia football freak
Phil Nevin: Shhh! Don't scare him away. Seriously, who is this guy?
Jason Tyner: DH? (inflection is key here) Jasonthing 1 of the triune Jasonhead
Jason Kubel: DL, Rubik's Kubel, the elusive Jasonthing 3 of the tristate Jasonarea, Kubel Khan
Dennys Reyes: Denny's Sampler Platter, Ultraviolet Reyes, Gordo, Zapata, Mexican Independence Day
Jesse Crain: The Crainadian
Matt Guerrier: Matt Guerrier
Pat Neshek: Death Metal
Juan Rincon: Second Half Slump, Joowan
Willie Eyre: Willie Eyre-in go bragh!
Joe Nathan: (All ripped off from Batgirl) The Nathanest of Joes, Twitch'n'Pitch
I think that about covers it. Feel free to add your own, and we may incorporate them into our lexicon!
And finally, to those of you confused with our list of erudition: All of those works listed on that sidebar have been either explicitly or implicitly referenced in our posts. If you read a post and go, "Hm, that sounds an awful lot like a concept I read in Habermas's "Between Facts and Norms," it probably is. It's a way of validating having to read these godawful books and it makes us feel better about working on the blog rather than doing our homework. Sneaky Straussian references and we can all pat ourselves on the back. Ah, that feels better.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
El Fin
_______________
PREGAME:
WV: So it looks like the division is functionally out of reach.
RK: Yeah, you can never tell, but there are big things going on around here. I'm a little crestfallen though
WV: Why's that?
RK: This is the last time I'll get to watch Dick and Bert this season. And let me tell you this, Bert better be back next year. Not only because he's a hell of a colorman, but because this site would quickly spin into obscurity.
WV: And he's irreplacable.
RK: Yeah, we couldn't do "Pulling a Coomer"
WV: Because that would involve a bad haircut and Tenacious D-esque weight gain.
RK: I'll miss Bert in the offseason, talking about his birthday, his hemorrhoids...
WV: Dick's "Goatee guys"
RK: The only thing I won't miss is "Boof! There it is"
WV: Heaven help us. And heaven help Gordito. And the Royals. And us.
_______________
1ST INNING:
RK: KC puts up three.
WV: Silva will cruise for two innings and then self-destruct
RK: Not so fast.
WV: No kidding.
RK: Rocket Bats should be in soon.
WV: You know, it's getting tiring slamming Silva all the time. I'm running out of things to say.
RK: I don't know either.
WV: Santana is winning the triple crown for supremacy whereas Silva's going for the triple crown in infamy. Leads league in Homers, Hits given up, and is close with losses.
RK: Ha, Yin and Yang unite.
WV: Thome v. Silva, hm....
RK: I'm not watching.
WV: What?
RK: Backwards K? Why not!
WV: Unthinkable things happen. Like, you can play .600 baseball since June with the worst pitcher in the league starting every 5 games.
RK: Imaigne if Gordito wouldn't have had those two good starts.
WV: So Radke pitches with a broken shoulder, sticks with a perennially losing team and they give him a jet ski for retirement? Huh.
RK: Dude, you know he loves it. Imagine his perfect coifed hair not moving at all as the wind rushes by him.
WV: 2 Ks to end the inning? Carlos, you were once a major league pitcher, weren't you?
RK: Hey, Redmond's batting 8th!
WV: HEY! Maybe Gardy's a loyal reader.
RK: ...
WV: No, he is starting Silva, so no.
RK: Let's just see what we can do against Senor Vazquez.
WV: Nerve-wracking with Joe at the plate.
RK: Damn.
WV: I don't want this to come down to the wire.
RK: Now batting, number 5, the Twins offense this series
WV: Cuddyland keeps the inning alive.
RK: Morneau gets them out of it.
_______________
2ND INNING:
RK: Heed our advice M&M, no more combined oh-fer.
WV: Punto, not to beat a dead horse, needs a gold glove.
RK: I'll dip the factory where Rawlings makes gloves in gold and give that to him.
WV: Oh, then he'll control the means of production.
RK: So he'll get the capital.
WV: And Rondell is the George Clinton of the Soul Patrol out there.
RK: And Cuddy's role is?
WV: White Shadow.
RK: Silva turns in a 1-2-(3)-4 inning.
WV: Might be as good as we'll see today. My only fear is that Silva pitches just well enough that it fools Gardy into giving him a start in the playoffs.
RK: Detroit makes it 7-4
WV: So which team do you think Vazquez will underachieve for next season? I've got my money on the Cubbies.
RK: Mariners.
WV: Nice AB Torii.
RK: The difference is miniscule between Mauer and the Antichrist from Kalamazoo.
WV: And Rondell does his best Hunter impression.
RK: Offensivefutility.
_______________
3RD INNING:
RK: The outfield is like water to Rondell's hoverboard
WV: Definitely slow getting to that ball.
RK: HOLY SHIT PABLO OZUNA WAS OUT BY HALF A FOOT. SECOND BASE BLUE, SHED SOME BLUBBER, AND GO GET A DECENT ANGLE.
WV: Wow.
RK: Sorry, but good God.
WV: No damage done, meaning no Thome dingers.
RK: Always good to see.
WV: Christ, if I wanted to watch depressing sports I'd watch the Vikings
RK: Yeah, I thought they had that market cornered.
WV: At this point, I'm resigned to playing the Jankees. I just want Joe to win the title
RK: It's his rightful title.
_______________
4TH INNING:
WV: When all is said and done, Chicago will still end up at least 4 games behind us but they're sure making us their bitches at the moment.
RK: They'd be the only team to sweep the Twins at the Homerdome.
WV: Cano is officially out of the batting title race.
RK: Good to see the minion is out of it.
WV: AJ grounds out.
RK: Of course.
WV: Uh oh Silva's getting ground outs.
RK: Hopefully, that doesn't give Gardy any ideas.
WV: The elusive 1-2-3 inning
RK: Escapes Gordito's grasp once again
WV: Remember when Silva didn't throw walks? Dig deep, it'll come to you.
RK: I seem to recall...
WV: But no damage done.
RK: We've got a little Mauer Pauer to left field.
WV: Vazquez has entered the valley of the shadow of death.
RK: AKA "The middle innings"
WV: That was an ugly AB Dimples just had there.
RK: What a weird hit for Justin Credible.
WV: But it gets the job done.
RK: He's a Canadian supreme.
WV: Is this a run I spy? Before, like the ivory billed woodpecker, we could only speculate on its existence through anecdotes and hearsay
RK: And so early in the game! nate p, thank you for your statistical analysis. At this point, it's pretty much locked up, eh? So borderline rhetorical question: If Jeter finishes 1-4, The Tigers win, do you sit Mauer to preserve the lead?
WV: Of course, moron.
RK: Dear White Flags, it must be nice to win 90 games and miss the playoffs. And not by a little bit, but 4 games.
WV: Just think what would have happened had their starting pitching ERA gone up almost a full point!
RK: Holy... hell... Dick actually got a call right. Oh, he only called a base hit.
WV: So close Dick. Reach for the stars next time. Who calls a single?
RK: And that's that.
WV: I'm not sure how to respond to this dearth of offensivefutility
RK: All the right people are getting all the right hits. nate p, after more complete calibrations, I'll be sitting on the edge of my seat.
_______________
5TH INNING:
RK: Aw, Dick and Bert are saying their goodbyes. I'm welling up here.
WV: You didn't even bat an eye when your sister moved across an ocean.
RK: This is different.
WV: You're not even a person, are you?
RK: Shut up.
WV: In the meantime, Silva is shockingly not giving me something to bitch about.
RK: It's almost like you don't know how to deal with him right now. Poor Gardy. What to do?
WV: Can you believe Senor Vazquez has 7 Ks?
RK: You'd think he was pitching for the Expos or something.
WV: How close was that?
RK: Bartlett definitely should not have been punched out.
WV: 7-6 DET
RK: QTF, mate? (Put your Spanish cap on to get that one)
WV: Nick, don't
RK: Yeah buddy, we're worried about this diving head first into first. Please knock it off.
WV: John Gordon just dropped this nugget: "Rain delay at Fenway....they're waiting for it to stop raining there"
RK: He's just making sure we all got it.
WV: I'm about to have a heart attack on so many different levels.
RK: Tied at 7, Jeter fading, Mauer at the plate, good thing I haven't eaten any cholesterol yet today.
WV: This is about as ridiculous as that time we had Ridiculous Day down at the deli when the prices were so low, they were ridiculous.
RK: I think I'm dead.
WV: MORE MAUER PAUER
RK: Barring crazy extras in New York, Mauer's got this one on lockdown!
WV: We are all merely courtiers in King Mauer's batting kingdom.
RK: ... !
WV: Please oh god Please fuck with DeJesus, Todd Jones
RK: Punto takes advantage of AJ's being a lazy douchemuffin. Sorry, I say horrible things when I'm excited.
WV: Way to rebound from Tech's lost yesterday, Cuddy and get Punto home.
RK: Vazquez out!
WV: Morneau get us out of the inning, let's watch some scoreboards!
_______________
6TH INNING:
WV: The Royals are ahead.
RK: You could not have scripted this any better.
WV: Assuming it holds up.
RK: Let's hope it does.
WV: Important to note that it's only the top of the inning. Detroit gets two more chances to hit.
RK: Right.
WV: Oh and Silva is still pitching here.
RK: Who? Oh yes. Oh God, Thome almost gave me a scare there.
WV: Jeter's out of the game at .343
RK: It's basically Joe's here.
WV: You gotta leave him in here.
RK: And Carlos comes out.
WV: Detroit ties it back up on a Matt Stairs homer.
RK: Well... I suppose it was all too good to be true.
WV: Ultraviolet Reyes in.
RK: 0.9 ERA. That's crazy.
WV: Hopefully he can keep it under 1 for the season.
RK: For the time being Silva is under 6 for the season. I imagine that's an accomplishment for him.
WV: Been that kind of year for him.
RK: Reyes walks AJ. Hm.
WV: Herb Carneal just gave his farewell to WCCO speech. Very touching.
RK: Wish I could have heard it.
WV: Reyes, just when I start to doubt you...
RK: 1-6-3 DP.
RK: Jesus AJ, will you hold on to the damn ball?
WV: No hoverboard for Rondell
RK: Like clockwork, in comes the LFE
WV: What do you know, the Yankees first playoff game will be during primetime on national television.
RK: Who would have ever thought? The superstructure is strong.
WV: Woe be to us for relying on Peralta to get Ordonez out.
RK: And the Pear King gets the job done.
WV: Where do we sit now with the Jankees game being over?
RK: Good question.
WV: Pierzynski has no idea how to catch a knuckleball.
RK: Well Mr. Punto, there are more auspicious ways to end the inning.
_______________
7TH INNING:
RK: anonymous, many people probably say "Ugghh" when they see Matt Stairs. I do even when I simply think about him.
WV: Let's hope there's more DeJesus in the game. It's true that Detroit just doen't know any better.
RK: Basehit off Reyes's leg.
WV: Lots of leg there.
RK: It can take it.
WV: Aaaand in comes Joowan.
RK: Oh dear.
WV: Blogging is more enjoyable when there's at least a pinch of intrigue.
RK: That's the awful, awful truth of the thing.
WV: Joowan gets by with a little help from his little friends.
RK: Little friends at third base.
WV: Hey, Chicago decided to put a catcher behind the plate
RK: Y'know, a guy who could put the ball in his mitt.
WV: Detroit's letting Jones pitch 3 innings, they really must be desperate.
RK: Methinks Hunter was thinking about another 2-run jack to reach 100 RBI when he swung at that last pitch.
WV: I agree.
_______________
8TH INNING:
WV: Y'know, the Tigers should be ashamed of themselves.
RK: Even if they end up winning.
WV: Nearly getting swept by the Royals? Come on now.
RK: Wow, did you see Morneau split his legs?
WV: Nice of Redmond to back up first like that.
RK: A DP would be nice right about now.
WV: Crain makes Thome look stupid.
RK: That is always nice to see. It's Canadian pride day in the Metrodome.
WV: Is that Larry Walker in the stands?
RK: And wait, isn't Matt Stairs, who just K'ed, Canadian?
WV: Good point.
RK: KENNY ROGERS?
WV: If that isn't desperation, I don't know what is.
RK: Second best bullpen in baseball and they bring in Rogers?
WV: Holy shit, Castillo! What a play!
RK: My heart can't take this. Honestly.
WV: Wow, Fields did his best Punto impression.
RK: For all intents and purposes, Mauer is your MLB batting champion.
WV: Which, by the way, has never happened before.
RK: Even when NL catchers did it, there was an AL player higher in BA.
WV: Damn you Sweeney. Hell of a catch.
RK: anonymous, husks of people? It's like Nebraska after they stopped being a good football team!
WV: Other anonymous, I go Guerrier
RK: Me too, it looks like its eating his face Alien style
WV: Winning the division must have some sentimental value for Detroit. We've got 3 this decade and well..they've sucked.
RK: Right, and it's always uplifting for a team to crawl out of the dark days.
WV: Absolut Cintron, that is no way to get this game over with.
RK: But Nathan takes care of business, and I'm a little emotional here.
WV: What a way to end the season.
RK: I feel like I'm 9 years old again (Robert was 9 in 1991)
_______________
POSTGAME:
RK: There's a short story by TC Boyle that I can't think of the name of about a baseball game that goes on forever. And that's the way I am about this season. Even when we made fun of Joowan's pitching, and Cuddy's inability to hit anything other than a grooved fastball.
WV: But this is our team and our boys, and whoever you end up playing, beat their asses into submission.
[BILL AND ROBERT FINISH WATCHING TIGERS LOSE]
RK: TWINS WIN
WV: 2nd phase of RAGNAROK is complete. Domefield advantage is ours.
RK: What's really crazy is how Detroit just folded. I'll be honest. I was beginning to doubt if the second phase of RAGNAROK would come to pass
WV: I mean, 6-0 lead before the Twins even start? You can't like the Royals' chances when that's the case.
RK: But KC sure helped out.
WV: We owe them a pizza.
RK: Detroit shouldn't have fucked with the Dejesus.
WV: Hey, we learned that the hard way; so did they.
PREGAME:
WV: So it looks like the division is functionally out of reach.
RK: Yeah, you can never tell, but there are big things going on around here. I'm a little crestfallen though
WV: Why's that?
RK: This is the last time I'll get to watch Dick and Bert this season. And let me tell you this, Bert better be back next year. Not only because he's a hell of a colorman, but because this site would quickly spin into obscurity.
WV: And he's irreplacable.
RK: Yeah, we couldn't do "Pulling a Coomer"
WV: Because that would involve a bad haircut and Tenacious D-esque weight gain.
RK: I'll miss Bert in the offseason, talking about his birthday, his hemorrhoids...
WV: Dick's "Goatee guys"
RK: The only thing I won't miss is "Boof! There it is"
WV: Heaven help us. And heaven help Gordito. And the Royals. And us.
_______________
1ST INNING:
RK: KC puts up three.
WV: Silva will cruise for two innings and then self-destruct
RK: Not so fast.
WV: No kidding.
RK: Rocket Bats should be in soon.
WV: You know, it's getting tiring slamming Silva all the time. I'm running out of things to say.
RK: I don't know either.
WV: Santana is winning the triple crown for supremacy whereas Silva's going for the triple crown in infamy. Leads league in Homers, Hits given up, and is close with losses.
RK: Ha, Yin and Yang unite.
WV: Thome v. Silva, hm....
RK: I'm not watching.
WV: What?
RK: Backwards K? Why not!
WV: Unthinkable things happen. Like, you can play .600 baseball since June with the worst pitcher in the league starting every 5 games.
RK: Imaigne if Gordito wouldn't have had those two good starts.
WV: So Radke pitches with a broken shoulder, sticks with a perennially losing team and they give him a jet ski for retirement? Huh.
RK: Dude, you know he loves it. Imagine his perfect coifed hair not moving at all as the wind rushes by him.
WV: 2 Ks to end the inning? Carlos, you were once a major league pitcher, weren't you?
RK: Hey, Redmond's batting 8th!
WV: HEY! Maybe Gardy's a loyal reader.
RK: ...
WV: No, he is starting Silva, so no.
RK: Let's just see what we can do against Senor Vazquez.
WV: Nerve-wracking with Joe at the plate.
RK: Damn.
WV: I don't want this to come down to the wire.
RK: Now batting, number 5, the Twins offense this series
WV: Cuddyland keeps the inning alive.
RK: Morneau gets them out of it.
_______________
2ND INNING:
RK: Heed our advice M&M, no more combined oh-fer.
WV: Punto, not to beat a dead horse, needs a gold glove.
RK: I'll dip the factory where Rawlings makes gloves in gold and give that to him.
WV: Oh, then he'll control the means of production.
RK: So he'll get the capital.
WV: And Rondell is the George Clinton of the Soul Patrol out there.
RK: And Cuddy's role is?
WV: White Shadow.
RK: Silva turns in a 1-2-(3)-4 inning.
WV: Might be as good as we'll see today. My only fear is that Silva pitches just well enough that it fools Gardy into giving him a start in the playoffs.
RK: Detroit makes it 7-4
WV: So which team do you think Vazquez will underachieve for next season? I've got my money on the Cubbies.
RK: Mariners.
WV: Nice AB Torii.
RK: The difference is miniscule between Mauer and the Antichrist from Kalamazoo.
WV: And Rondell does his best Hunter impression.
RK: Offensivefutility.
_______________
3RD INNING:
RK: The outfield is like water to Rondell's hoverboard
WV: Definitely slow getting to that ball.
RK: HOLY SHIT PABLO OZUNA WAS OUT BY HALF A FOOT. SECOND BASE BLUE, SHED SOME BLUBBER, AND GO GET A DECENT ANGLE.
WV: Wow.
RK: Sorry, but good God.
WV: No damage done, meaning no Thome dingers.
RK: Always good to see.
WV: Christ, if I wanted to watch depressing sports I'd watch the Vikings
RK: Yeah, I thought they had that market cornered.
WV: At this point, I'm resigned to playing the Jankees. I just want Joe to win the title
RK: It's his rightful title.
_______________
4TH INNING:
WV: When all is said and done, Chicago will still end up at least 4 games behind us but they're sure making us their bitches at the moment.
RK: They'd be the only team to sweep the Twins at the Homerdome.
WV: Cano is officially out of the batting title race.
RK: Good to see the minion is out of it.
WV: AJ grounds out.
RK: Of course.
WV: Uh oh Silva's getting ground outs.
RK: Hopefully, that doesn't give Gardy any ideas.
WV: The elusive 1-2-3 inning
RK: Escapes Gordito's grasp once again
WV: Remember when Silva didn't throw walks? Dig deep, it'll come to you.
RK: I seem to recall...
WV: But no damage done.
RK: We've got a little Mauer Pauer to left field.
WV: Vazquez has entered the valley of the shadow of death.
RK: AKA "The middle innings"
WV: That was an ugly AB Dimples just had there.
RK: What a weird hit for Justin Credible.
WV: But it gets the job done.
RK: He's a Canadian supreme.
WV: Is this a run I spy? Before, like the ivory billed woodpecker, we could only speculate on its existence through anecdotes and hearsay
RK: And so early in the game! nate p, thank you for your statistical analysis. At this point, it's pretty much locked up, eh? So borderline rhetorical question: If Jeter finishes 1-4, The Tigers win, do you sit Mauer to preserve the lead?
WV: Of course, moron.
RK: Dear White Flags, it must be nice to win 90 games and miss the playoffs. And not by a little bit, but 4 games.
WV: Just think what would have happened had their starting pitching ERA gone up almost a full point!
RK: Holy... hell... Dick actually got a call right. Oh, he only called a base hit.
WV: So close Dick. Reach for the stars next time. Who calls a single?
RK: And that's that.
WV: I'm not sure how to respond to this dearth of offensivefutility
RK: All the right people are getting all the right hits. nate p, after more complete calibrations, I'll be sitting on the edge of my seat.
_______________
5TH INNING:
RK: Aw, Dick and Bert are saying their goodbyes. I'm welling up here.
WV: You didn't even bat an eye when your sister moved across an ocean.
RK: This is different.
WV: You're not even a person, are you?
RK: Shut up.
WV: In the meantime, Silva is shockingly not giving me something to bitch about.
RK: It's almost like you don't know how to deal with him right now. Poor Gardy. What to do?
WV: Can you believe Senor Vazquez has 7 Ks?
RK: You'd think he was pitching for the Expos or something.
WV: How close was that?
RK: Bartlett definitely should not have been punched out.
WV: 7-6 DET
RK: QTF, mate? (Put your Spanish cap on to get that one)
WV: Nick, don't
RK: Yeah buddy, we're worried about this diving head first into first. Please knock it off.
WV: John Gordon just dropped this nugget: "Rain delay at Fenway....they're waiting for it to stop raining there"
RK: He's just making sure we all got it.
WV: I'm about to have a heart attack on so many different levels.
RK: Tied at 7, Jeter fading, Mauer at the plate, good thing I haven't eaten any cholesterol yet today.
WV: This is about as ridiculous as that time we had Ridiculous Day down at the deli when the prices were so low, they were ridiculous.
RK: I think I'm dead.
WV: MORE MAUER PAUER
RK: Barring crazy extras in New York, Mauer's got this one on lockdown!
WV: We are all merely courtiers in King Mauer's batting kingdom.
RK: ... !
WV: Please oh god Please fuck with DeJesus, Todd Jones
RK: Punto takes advantage of AJ's being a lazy douchemuffin. Sorry, I say horrible things when I'm excited.
WV: Way to rebound from Tech's lost yesterday, Cuddy and get Punto home.
RK: Vazquez out!
WV: Morneau get us out of the inning, let's watch some scoreboards!
_______________
6TH INNING:
WV: The Royals are ahead.
RK: You could not have scripted this any better.
WV: Assuming it holds up.
RK: Let's hope it does.
WV: Important to note that it's only the top of the inning. Detroit gets two more chances to hit.
RK: Right.
WV: Oh and Silva is still pitching here.
RK: Who? Oh yes. Oh God, Thome almost gave me a scare there.
WV: Jeter's out of the game at .343
RK: It's basically Joe's here.
WV: You gotta leave him in here.
RK: And Carlos comes out.
WV: Detroit ties it back up on a Matt Stairs homer.
RK: Well... I suppose it was all too good to be true.
WV: Ultraviolet Reyes in.
RK: 0.9 ERA. That's crazy.
WV: Hopefully he can keep it under 1 for the season.
RK: For the time being Silva is under 6 for the season. I imagine that's an accomplishment for him.
WV: Been that kind of year for him.
RK: Reyes walks AJ. Hm.
WV: Herb Carneal just gave his farewell to WCCO speech. Very touching.
RK: Wish I could have heard it.
WV: Reyes, just when I start to doubt you...
RK: 1-6-3 DP.
RK: Jesus AJ, will you hold on to the damn ball?
WV: No hoverboard for Rondell
RK: Like clockwork, in comes the LFE
WV: What do you know, the Yankees first playoff game will be during primetime on national television.
RK: Who would have ever thought? The superstructure is strong.
WV: Woe be to us for relying on Peralta to get Ordonez out.
RK: And the Pear King gets the job done.
WV: Where do we sit now with the Jankees game being over?
RK: Good question.
WV: Pierzynski has no idea how to catch a knuckleball.
RK: Well Mr. Punto, there are more auspicious ways to end the inning.
_______________
7TH INNING:
RK: anonymous, many people probably say "Ugghh" when they see Matt Stairs. I do even when I simply think about him.
WV: Let's hope there's more DeJesus in the game. It's true that Detroit just doen't know any better.
RK: Basehit off Reyes's leg.
WV: Lots of leg there.
RK: It can take it.
WV: Aaaand in comes Joowan.
RK: Oh dear.
WV: Blogging is more enjoyable when there's at least a pinch of intrigue.
RK: That's the awful, awful truth of the thing.
WV: Joowan gets by with a little help from his little friends.
RK: Little friends at third base.
WV: Hey, Chicago decided to put a catcher behind the plate
RK: Y'know, a guy who could put the ball in his mitt.
WV: Detroit's letting Jones pitch 3 innings, they really must be desperate.
RK: Methinks Hunter was thinking about another 2-run jack to reach 100 RBI when he swung at that last pitch.
WV: I agree.
_______________
8TH INNING:
WV: Y'know, the Tigers should be ashamed of themselves.
RK: Even if they end up winning.
WV: Nearly getting swept by the Royals? Come on now.
RK: Wow, did you see Morneau split his legs?
WV: Nice of Redmond to back up first like that.
RK: A DP would be nice right about now.
WV: Crain makes Thome look stupid.
RK: That is always nice to see. It's Canadian pride day in the Metrodome.
WV: Is that Larry Walker in the stands?
RK: And wait, isn't Matt Stairs, who just K'ed, Canadian?
WV: Good point.
RK: KENNY ROGERS?
WV: If that isn't desperation, I don't know what is.
RK: Second best bullpen in baseball and they bring in Rogers?
WV: Holy shit, Castillo! What a play!
RK: My heart can't take this. Honestly.
WV: Wow, Fields did his best Punto impression.
RK: For all intents and purposes, Mauer is your MLB batting champion.
WV: Which, by the way, has never happened before.
RK: Even when NL catchers did it, there was an AL player higher in BA.
WV: Damn you Sweeney. Hell of a catch.
RK: anonymous, husks of people? It's like Nebraska after they stopped being a good football team!
WV: Other anonymous, I go Guerrier
RK: Me too, it looks like its eating his face Alien style
WV: Winning the division must have some sentimental value for Detroit. We've got 3 this decade and well..they've sucked.
RK: Right, and it's always uplifting for a team to crawl out of the dark days.
WV: Absolut Cintron, that is no way to get this game over with.
RK: But Nathan takes care of business, and I'm a little emotional here.
WV: What a way to end the season.
RK: I feel like I'm 9 years old again (Robert was 9 in 1991)
_______________
POSTGAME:
RK: There's a short story by TC Boyle that I can't think of the name of about a baseball game that goes on forever. And that's the way I am about this season. Even when we made fun of Joowan's pitching, and Cuddy's inability to hit anything other than a grooved fastball.
WV: But this is our team and our boys, and whoever you end up playing, beat their asses into submission.
[BILL AND ROBERT FINISH WATCHING TIGERS LOSE]
RK: TWINS WIN
WV: 2nd phase of RAGNAROK is complete. Domefield advantage is ours.
RK: What's really crazy is how Detroit just folded. I'll be honest. I was beginning to doubt if the second phase of RAGNAROK would come to pass
WV: I mean, 6-0 lead before the Twins even start? You can't like the Royals' chances when that's the case.
RK: But KC sure helped out.
WV: We owe them a pizza.
RK: Detroit shouldn't have fucked with the Dejesus.
WV: Hey, we learned that the hard way; so did they.
