Sunday, April 29, 2007


Of Grammatology


SWEEP: |swēp| verb ( past swept |swept|) 1 [ trans. ] clean (an area) by brushing away dirt or litter : I've swept the floor | Greg swept out the kitchen.
• [ trans. ] move or remove (dirt or litter) in such a way : she swept the tea leaves into a dustpan.
• [ trans. ] move or push (someone or something) with great force : I was swept along by the crowd.
• [ trans. ] brush (hair) back from one's face or upward : long hair swept up into a high chignon.
• [ trans. ] win all the games in (a series); take each of the winning or main places in (a contest or event) : we knew we had to sweep these three home games.


RK: I was up till the break-a break-a dawn at a dance party last night, but here I am. Let's do this

WV: Dude, remember Final Fight? Best game ever.

RK: Absolutely. I have to say though, dear readers, that I'm torn. Kindergarten Cop is on the HBO. But I know Santana working his magic comes before trying to save Dominic from his evil stepfather.

WV: Good to see Bartlett justifying batting 2nd.

RK: We've got to stop this getting people on base in the first and then not cashing in. My head hurts.


RK: Santana already making batters look stupid

WV: Whew, thank god we're in Comerica Park.

RK: Git on yer horse, Torii!

WV: Well, they showed Bert so my day is complete.

RK: Come on Santana, April is almost over.

WV: After calling time, Santana did his best Tim Wakefield impression.

RK: Oh, the old Eephus

RK: Let's get this out so I can heat up some leftovers and drink some Gatorade

WV: Nothing like gatorade to take away a hangover. The vitamin water aint bad neither.

RK: My dehydration stems from 4 hours of straight rocking out. OK, and cocktails. But that's all I'm saying about the night.


WV: Redmond nearly choked on his Red Man beating out that double

RK: It's a long par 5 to the right field wall

WV: That's a Mientkiewiczian eye Kubel's got this at-bat

RK: Like an eagle.

WV: Well, can't ask for a better throw than that from Monroe nailing Redmond at 3rd.

RK: But... why? A single scores from second with two outs anyway, right? Why take the risk? But yes, Cuddyeresque throw


WV: Nice to see that Detroit's announcers have the time to discuss Blue Blockers for 5 minutes

RK: A wonder we don't get paid to do what we do.


RK: Uh... wha?

WV: I think they're right, I think Torii thought Kubel had that

RK: Seems that way.

WV: Johan says, "Fuck you Jobu, I do it myself"

RK: It seems like if you want to beat Santana it has to be early in the game, so this is a good sign so far.

WV: Yeah, that's true. Hopefully, we can make Maroth look like 2003 Mike Maroth


RK: A little ballet at first there

WV: Right. You know, this might be one of the few times sliding is preferable, avoiding the high tag on the errant throw.

RK: Exactly... wait, did the announcers just describe Guillen as "crispy"?

WV: They did.

RK: I was at that game when Calvin Johnson made VT look stoopid

WV: Good thing Calvin Johnson doesn't play quarterback, not the great throw


RK: I don't know what to say right now

WV: Hmm. The month of April can kiss my ass.

RK: Remember Journey: we can't stop believin'. Hold on to that feeling.

WV: What can Mauer really say to Johan on those mound visits. If I'm Johan I just say, "2 cy youngs. Thank you."

RK: Boy did Johan need that


RK: Like Maglio Ordonez needs a haircut

WV: Hey we could get this Aflac without wikipedia right

RK: Santana, Viola and who else

WV: Jim Kaat?

RK: I feel confident about it.

WV: Pretty generous strike zone.

RK: Some Mike on Mike violence there.

WV: The Rubick's Kubel is a difficult game to figure out

RK: And like that, tie game.

WV: Ugh


WV: Nausea.

RK: God.

WV: Ah, it was Jim Perry.

RK: Kaat, you lied to me!

WV: Marcus-on-Thames smoked that pitch.

RK: 99 mph? Gun must be out of whack


I am starting to dig these 2 out rallies.....the Pear King is swining a better bat as of late. Let's see if the Chairman can finish the job.

I think I speak for all of us in saying, "godammit".


You could say that Santana has been off today, but after 5 innings and 3 earned runs, he has put the Twins in a position to win, which is what he does every single time he pitches. Hopefully the Twins hitters can pick him up.


Maroth seems to be settling into a groove, which doesn't bode well for our southpaw inept hitters.

How about Randy Moss being traded to the Patriots? How do you think Brett Favre feels? I personally hope he feels awful.

And I refuse to blindly accept everything that Bill Bellicek does as gospel; this Moss thing will blow up in his face. He thought Deion Branch was a nuisance?

Wouldn't mind seeing Mr. Pending Free Agent tie this up.

I SWEAR TO GOD that I wrote that previous line before the jack. TRUST US

Hey, maybe Detroit will sign him this off-season. After getting Sheffield and overpaying earlier for Ordonez, they're like the Yankess of the Central Division. Must be the colors black and white.

What do you think readers, do you bring Santana out in the bottom half?


Pudge is pretty much Johan's bitch today with 3 strikeouts. This is more like Johan...

That, my friends, is the 3rd consecutive quality start for a Twins starter.


Jensen: I like the Barlett experiment at the top of the order as well. It'll be interesting to see what happens when Castillo comes back. my guess is they'll put him back at the bottom of the order.

Word out of LaVelle camp is that CasillAAA is destined for Rochester, so, for the time being I had to get that AAA reference in there since it'll be the last chance for a while.

Holy smokes Little Nicky, just when I'm about to advocate putting you at the bottom of the order instead of Pear King you go and hit a triple.

The Pear King is making me nervous, probably not the guy you wan't to be down 1-2 to.

A real shame that Pudge is out there blocking wild pitches instead of Rubelo Influenza, or we might have the lead right now.

We've got quite the rematch from Friday night:

Ground out to 2nd.....Uh...that's not what I remember happening in the movie.

BOTTOM 7TH, Gamed Tied At 3

Death Metal rocks on.

"Sheffield isn't bothered by these funky deliveries, if it's a hittable ball, he's got you".

Oh is that so Tigers announcer? He's got you all the way to the pitcher's mound, nice swing Gary.

TOP 8TH, Game Tied At 3

More of the same. Not the most exciting of games.


Hey look Detroit, we have a fireballer who can get his breaking stuff over for a strike.

The Crainadian is due for a good inning, bring that 6.00 ERA down a tish.

"Todd Jones warming up for Detroit"--That is music to my ears.

What the hell is wrong with our outfielders today? Funny, I haven't had to mention Kubel's name once.

That is the best kind of double play possible. You guys thought you'd run on Mauer? Here's what the owl thinks:

9TH INNING, Game Tied At 3

I think Polanco can see into the future and position himself accordingly around 2nd base. In any case, let's hope this one goes extra innings.


I think Nick Swisher and Nate Robertson share the same barber.

The Wrecking Crain just bulldozed our chances of winning this game.


Why do you bring Crain out for a second inning? Good question. Well, we try again Tuesday with our old pals Castillo and Cirillo.

Saturday, April 28, 2007


Too Good For Mel Kiper

If you'd told me that a month into the season Carlos Silva and Justin Verlander would have the same amount of wins, I'd have said you were loony. Verlander's career ERA against Minnesota, 0.82, isn't bad. The good news, he's right handed (A northpaw?). So if you can tear yourself away from the gripping action that is the NFL draft, we've got some Saturday afternoon blogging comin' at chya.


Nice stop there Rabelo, you could play goalie for the Wild.

If Tyner and Punto are getting singles off of Verlander...what can our significant pirhanas do? Next, on a Current Affair!

Now, I'm as irritated as anyone at Punto being picked off, but he might have been safe there.

1st and 3rd, no outs....Oh the futility.


They executed, we didn't. Baseball's a simple game. Anyways, the throw out at 3rd becomes important after Guillen's triple. It seems like Carlos is fortunate to escape with only 2 runs given up.


WV: Moryes smoked that pitch into the right field gap, now let's see if they can actually do anything with the lead off double.

RK: goddammit, how many innings have the twins started with the lead?

WV: Not many. Kubel thinks he's playing golf apparently.

RK: But good to see that he can pick up the offspeed stuff a little bit

WV: He's very intimate with anything that moves slowly

RK: And he comes through. The apology (strictly defined) continues!

WV: Sean Casey, not exactly a gold glover

RK: Or much of a hitter. He's Detroit's D-Mohr. Player with tons of heart

WV: You have to love the suicide squeeze.

RK: One of the best plays in the game

WV: These Detroit announcers are ridiculous, "Polanco was expecting a bunt there". He was? Looked like a pretty close play at first.

RK: True, but give them some credit, they're not bad - giving the Twins some credit where it's due

WV: We do enough ragging that we certainly should.

RK: Hopefully the boys can knock Verlander out early today

WV: Right, and I guess Detroit has forgotten how to play baseball temporarily.

RK: Is that Jemarcus Russel in center?

WV: Nice.Good thing this inning has taken so long, they've had plenty of time to massage Carlos' fragile ego

RK: "New ball game, big chief"

WV: Do you think Cuddy takes offense to this or is he just, "Well, it's Joe Mauer, no shit"

RK: Much as I love Cuddy, I think we all understand

WV: Even moreso now.


WV: Punto's the only 3rd baseman not to make an error yet this season

RK: But Eric Chavez will still win the gold glove because he'll hit 30 homers

WV: Good thing Inge doesn't feel like taking the bat off his shoulder

RK: Well...Silva seems to have settled down. I know I speak for Bert here when I extol the virtues of putting up a zero after a big offensive inning for your team

WV: I like to think that we're always speaking for Bert.


WV: We have the MVP, they don't.

RK: That's simple mathematics, my friend

WV: Morneau is unencumbered by the laws of physics, nature, gravity, and reality

RK: He can now be referred to as Moryes until further notice.

WV: I'll stop referring to him as his slumping alter-ego "Justine"

RK: Ha!

WV: Willy Mays Hayes tracks down that fly ball

RK: That's a homer virtually anywhere else

WV: Or so I like to think

WV: 5 runs on consecutive nights, I feel like we should crack open some Dom Perignon or something.

RK: I'm gonna drink some classy beer tonight: Budweiser instead of Natural Ice

WV: You know you're having a bad day when L-Rod nearly hits one out.

RK: Even if nothing comes of this, I'm glad they turned the lineup over


WV: I miss the miserly version of Silva

RK: Yeah, the guy that had more wins than walks. That guy was awesome

WV: Tigers announcer on Polanco: "He's a master and he swings a magic wand"

WV: Uh..I feel violated.

RK: Now roll the 20 sided die to see +1 MP

WV: Long strike

RK: Caaaaalm down Carlos

WV: "Sheffield, he's an amateur and he swings an assbat wand"

RK: Well, six of one, half a dozen of the other

WV: Either way, runners on 1st and 2nd, one out

RK: I'll trade Sheffield for Granderson on the base paths

WV: Absolutely

RK: Old McDonald is not getting on Mauer's Christmas card list

WV: Nope. And thank goodness for the infield fly rule due to the confusion between Barlett and L-Rod as to who would catch it.



WV: .548 lifetime average? Silva is Carlos Guillen's bitch

RK: I think we're gonna see an unintentional intentional walk

WV: Throw out at home on Polanco's single, I reiterate what I said about Sheffield for Granderson

RK: What a block of the plate by the Chairman

WV: Global Warming can't be stopped, but he can sure as hell stop you


WV: Not to jinx anything, but we've knocked around so called ace righthanders this season: Verlander, King Felix, Mussina

WV: You know, I'm not sure they threw over to first enough times. Maybe Tyner should've been more careful on the pickoff.

RK: That did look a little bit like a balk maybe

WV: Woke Gardy up if nothing else. He's been a tamer bear this season so far.

WV: That only looked like a nice catch by Monroe because he got such an awful jump on Mauer's hit.

RK: He and Kubel are perhaps kindred spirits.


WV: So Silva either pitches for 2 hours or 2 minutes

WV: While most people catch rubella, this Rabelo catches you!

RK: I think we have yet another nickname to add to our impressive repetoire


RK: That was. Gordito does seem to have settled down.


RK: Cuddy on a rope!

WV: Let's be honest, Trade Bait would have tried to stretch that into a double

RK: Definitely.

WV: Morneau's a triple short of the cycle.

RK: Might be possible, even for a guy like MVP

WV: He'll have to borrow Rondell's hoverboard.

RK: But the dirt's like water. Doesn't work on the basepaths

WV: Riiight.

RK: Cuddy steals third and..Rabello's mitt is a venus fly trap

WV: Wow, Cuddyer would have been out by a mile

RK: Stupid baserunning: Get to know it.

WV: I wonder what made him take off flat-footed late like that

RK: Can we put this one on Ullger?

WV: Or a pissed off bumblebee.

RK: Hahaha, I can imagine Dimples running to third screaming "Bees bees bees! Get 'em off get 'em off get 'em off!"



WV: I have no idea what's going on

RK: This is the good kind of obstruction, not like the bowel variety.

WV: Oh, I see. Kinda bush league, but it helps the guys

RK: Oh God, Leyland is going to chain-smoke 3 packs tonight

WV: You can call it Bush league, but the inner fascist in me says, "that's why there are rules"

RK: We exist in numerous gray areas. This is one of them

WV: I heart Rubick's Kubel

RK: Y'hear that Matt?

WV: Yeah Matt, the truth is brutal, your grandma's Kubel

RK: With the dipsey doodle, the kit and caboodle

WV: Yeah, what up Detroit?

RK: You stay classy, Motown

WV: For Leyland, it's one of those days

RK: Leyland's got impressive jazz-hands, I'll give him that

WV: In all of this ruckus, Carlos has already been to the Old Country Buffet and back

RK: Hell, I've had time to go the Detroit Old Country Buffet and back

WV: We'll be here all day! No, for real. All damn day.

WV: Adrian Peterson will have been drafted and gone to his first pro bowl by the end of this game.

RK: Brady Quinn will have announced his candidacy for the President of the United States by the end of this game

WV: And L-Rod puts his hacky sack skills to use on that HBP

RK: Lloyd McClendon is a bench coach? He hitting people with bats in Detroit now?

WV: Remember when he coached the Pirates and picked up 2nd base and left with it when he was ejected?

RK: Of course


WV: Tiger's announcer: "Inge not seeing Silva too well today". Boy, Inge must be blind.

RK: I see him just fine

WV: Look at Gordito sprint over to first

RK: I felt it

WV: Don't look now but Gordito's an inning away from a quality start on the road.


WV: Remember Lew Ford?

RK: The experiment is charging


WV: In the last couple of starts it has been the 6th and 7th innings where he imploded, so let's hope for the best.

WV: Look at knees hop on that hoverboard

RK: Jason Kubel on... defense?

WV: Rubella's up

RK: Nothing like a little Rabelo influenza to get you out of an inning.

WV: I feel for the guy though

RK: Ironically, Rubella's known for his defense.

WV: Keeps Typhoid Mary away

RK: Alright, congratulations where congratulations are due

WV: 1st major league hit.

RK: Meanwhile, Gordito needs to get out of this inning.

RK: He's making me nervous again

WV: Well, it wouldn't be Silva without some drama right

RK: Well, quality start from the big man.


RK: i looked up and just realized there was two outs

WV: 14 hits today, holy hell

RK: Game already 2 and a half hours long and it's the top of the 7th. Also holy hell


RK: Honestly, I'm losing steam over here

WV: Even Brady Quinn is more non-plussed than I am with this afternoon's developments

RK: Freddy Garcia would have fallen asleep mid-pitch

RK: I'm going to try watching the game listening to the Scissor Sisters to make it more exciting

RK: Not sure Death Metal would approve

WV: It just won't end.

RK: You've got to get three, boys

WV: Be honest--that didn't concern you at all did it? You just knew Torrid would get to it

RK: Of course I knew. I'd only have confidence if Torii were there. Running away from the ball and jumping to get it? Routine.


RK: Joe Mauer continues his Joe Mauer start

WV: He's got his mo-joe working

RK: A not undesirable result

WV: Longest game ever

RK: Morneau wins Jimmy John's delivery of the game. How appropriate

WV: We shall soon see if we're blocked from the feed.

RK: Until then, let's see how Grilli's diamond and platinum teeth pitch

WV: Remember when they outscored us 33-1 last year at this time?

RK: A reversal of fortunes from last year, yes?

WV: I'm an inch away from focusing entirely on my Mega Man X super nintendo rom

RK: Sting Chameleon demands all your attention when you get to that point

WV: I was just losing attention, but then I heard the Hardware Hank commercial where Gardy seductively barks. I'm all here now.

9TH INNING, Twins 11 Tigers 3


RK: Of the best variety

WV: And in comes Rochester to face the Tigers

RK: I think they can manage to hold this 11 to 3 lead.


Johan pitching tomorrow guys, get your brooms out.

Friday, April 27, 2007


The Metropolitician


You're stuck with just me tonight, since WV has to contribute to domestic tranquility and do his duty. But I know I speak for both WV and me, when we say that, based on our experiences in 1998, Detroit is not a great todwn. Perhaps they've done a better job in the subsequent ten years, perhaps a 15 year old doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. Perhaps the Renaissance Center isn't the motivation for Romero's Land of the Dead.

Punto gets on and two quick outs. Wait, haven't I written this in a post before? Runner stranded and we're off to the races!

Estimated time of game: 1 hour, 39 minutes.


Granderson doubling down the line; is this an omen or a portent of things to come? I can never tell the difference between the two.

"Polanco's one of the better players in all of baseball today." Let's not overlook his prowess in shuffleboard!

[Rick Anderson is on the right of Gardy] "Rick Anderson on Gardenhire's left"... Oh, you mean STAGE left. Right. No, left. Ugh.

Does anybody know the old Magglio chant? Always sounded a little silly and unintelligible to me.

Raymoan, sans leadoff double, is looking alright tonight. I don't to speak too soon, but that unintentional intentional walk to Sheff may pay off.

And it does. Flash that leather, Cuddles, and flash that smile with your craterous dimples.


Anybody ever been to Detroit's latest airport? Ever have to go to (I think) Terminal E? You have to go through that long tunnel with the light show and the colors and the music. It's very womb-like. Then you get to the puddle-jumper counters. And boy do I have a story about that that I can pull out if this game gets dull like a number two pencil during the SAT.

Trade Bait grounds one up the middle for a base hit, and will probably be stranded there. Positive thinking!

It's cute that Kubel is trying to be a piranta, but he's more of a... slow moving aquatic creature. Like a walrus. Kookoo ca-choo.


Anonymous, I believe that in the interests of word economy, we coined the term "offensitility" or something like that. I don't remember what we did or what we said. Hell, I don't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. I hope none of you expect consistency.

Uh, anyway, the Twins escape the inning. Can you believe this is a baseball blog?


Another out. Hey, anybody heard the new Nine Inch Nails album? It's pretty good. I almost bought the new Arctic Monkeys as well because their first album was so good, but I resisted. Tell me what to do!

Another out! Can you believe that until a couple of nights ago I had never had Ben and Jerry's ice cream ever? I had about 3 spoons of Dublin Mudslide and had to stop. Too rich, too rich. I don't have much of a sweet tooth people.

"Ooh, where was that." Here's the thing Detroit announcers. I did some umpiring back when I lived in the Dirty Jersey and if there's one thing I hated to hear was a manager yelling to his catcher, "Hey, where was that?" I would tell the catcher to answer him, and that if he asked the question again it would be from the parking lot.

Another out! Well, storytime's been fun and probably even more fun than watching the game.


You're a tough guy, Redmond, rub some chew on it!

Jensen, really? 3 letters? I would rather have had E-L-O, that would have been awesome. What do those three letters mean? I thought they were yelling olio like miscellany, or oleo like butter. See, crossword puzzles come in handy sometimes.

Good lord, I can't get over how stupid it is to yell 60% of the Old McDonald song when someone comes to plate. Only in Chicago.

Raymoan has probably thrown more than 50 pitches already.

Old McDonald's whining like a small child at the plate.

I wonder what Rick Reed's up to?


I mean, people in general should walk more to conserve energy and all, I specifically meant for Ortease to stop throwing 10 pitches to everybody and then letting them walk.

And so it begins. Buckle up!


And all of a sudden there's two outs, with Cuddy having an impressive single in there though. Good thing Polanco's only 4'10.

Well, if it weren't for Raymoan's pitching, my prediction about gametime would be looking a little more accurate.

I can't believe it's only 1-0. Feels worse, y'know?


2 quick outs and again with the walks, come on Raymoan. We don't need this business.

That's gotta feel good, Redmond.




Draw your own conclusions.

Uh, some fielding happened, some potential double plays that didn't happen, and a stolen base by the Pear King.

And nothing comes of anything! These games are throwing me into an existential crisis.


Everybody Loves Raymoan is more or less settling down here or so it appears, and by God, Punto deserves a damn gold glove. You know it'll go to someone less deserving like Crede or Rodriguez because they'll get more home runs, which makes perfect sense of a defensive award, and y'know what? Let's just drop it.

And the Motor City Kitties are down for the inning.


The way the Detroit announcers are telling it, you'd think the fact that a catcher fielded a squibber to get an out is the most impressive thing imaginable. Joe Mauer would do that with his glove hand.

Doot-do-do, offensitility.


Hahaha, oh Raymoan, your inability to get the third out tonight has almost become downright comical.

I'm not sure where Kubel was running there, but it certianly wasn't to where the ball was going. Oh well.

Hey, can I open my eyes now? Not like the original Spanish version of a not-that-great Tom Cruise remake. Whoa, even I thought that was a little obscure.


Oh MVP, I could never quit you!

And then there were more outs although Kubel teased me a bit.

So here's the way I feel about our lineup right now. After batter #5, hope dies, until batter #3 (in tonight's case, batter #4) rolls around, and then I feel good about things. But once we get to the dearth of the bottom of the lineup, there's not much to be thrilled about. Am I being unreasonable or are other people having this reaction?


The wrecking Crain is in, so hopefully we won't see every at-bat go 10 pitches. I know that's not fair to Raymoan, but it sure felt like that, didn't it? And that's what I care about. Feelings.

I played tennis today for the first time in my life. I'm better at it then I thought I'd be. The end. Oh yes. Baseball. Got it.

Crain tumbled off that mound into Lake Erie. I don't know if that's the lake Detroit's on. I don't care.

While Dougie Splits would have fielded that ball, he certainly wouldn't have hit that homerun in the top of the inning, so take that, Mienkiewicz apologists.

I have a MacBook. A nice shiny new black one. It has a smart keyboard. So when I bang my head against the keyboard, nothing happens. Doesn't recognize the keyboard mash. Or the Monster Mash. So here's a representation of how I feel:

I mean, inning over and damage somewhat minimized, but still!


Haha, I can't stop watching that little German boy freak out. Boy, he really wants to play Unreal Tournament. This is why I can't explain the basrunner on first.

Megan, you're right. Kubel is not looking hot in left tonight, but he never looks hot in the field.

Alright, Guitar Hero's in. I know why he injured his wrist. I practically broke it trying to play "Jordan" on hard. But my favorite song is probably "Less Talk More Rokk"

BEST QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "The team is only as good as, really, the 25-man roster." You have got to be kidding me.

Naked Batting Practice! You sexy beast!

Followed up by Cuddy who has said, "No more offensive dearth! Open the floodgates! Ride the dimples!"

Oh boo hoo! Is Guitar Hero scared of the MVP? Morneau makes the ball hurt, and you don't want him to hurt it again. I understand. Sissy. 100 mph fastballing sissy.

Id, Torii did not listen to you.

Again, Grand Avenue Joe, the time has come to rise up and atone for the sins of humankind! hit the ball out the park!

Hahaha, oh, you can cheer Zumaya all you want. Mauer just stood there calmly and said to himself, I will hit this ball and it shall not land in the glove of the enemy. And it came to pass.

Zumaya out to go practice "Trippin' on a hole in a paper heart."

"Zumaya through too many fastballs." ...

I love that little owl.


Let's see how Joowan does.

First out on a rope to Bartlett. Great!


I've never wanted to see a double play more in my life.

OK, now I've never wanted to see a regular out more in my life. Stop putting me in this corner, Rincon!

Strikeout, son!


Haha, Punto started doing the Tarantella trying to check his swing.

OK, I would have been my usual devastatingly handsome witty self but I'm nervous about closing this game out. And trying to clean up a little bit around here. My mother would be ashamed!


When I looked up at the Ohgodohgodohgodohgod comment, I thought, "Why the hell would I mention "Waiting for Godot"?

I know I've mentioned this before, but it doesn't make sense to say "now all of a sudden it's 0 and 2." It can only be suddenly. The only combination or permutation of pitches to result in an 0-2 count is two pitches. You don't find yourself 0-2 after 10 pitches (though you could maintain your 0 and 2-ness). Or you could just sit down.

Hot damn, Nathan's looking good so far.

2 down and 1 to go. That always puts the Ben Folds song "1 down and 3.6 to go" in my head. Well, any sentence of [number] down and [number] to go does that, not just specifically 2 and 1



This game was a roller coaster. I was getting used to the dearth, but the core of the lineup came to life, and how about Joe coming through when called upon to rise up? Raymoan didn't have a great start, Crain looked shaky, but they got it done. I'm impressed, but I don't want to watch too many more of these kinds of games. It affects my delicate constitution.

Thursday, April 26, 2007


Lose The Zero, Get With The Hero

Late, late start to blogging today due to afternoon classes. However, I didn't miss much.

I think the Twins should trade a pitcher to a National League team that plays KC in interleague this year so that he can nail Greinke right in the ass with a pitch in retribution for taking out Sinn Fein. I'm old school Earl Weaver like that.


Sports I'd rather watch instead of the Twins hitting:

Chilean Cliff Diving
Bocce Ball


Rincon fucked with DeJesus and nearly was decapitated by the sharp end of his broken bat. I think DeJesus' bat went farther than most of the Twins' hits today.

I'm entirely speculating on that last comment, but I think guessing the Twins haven't hit the ball hard is like saying "I bet the sun rose this morning"

The Pear King, on the other hand, looks to have put his errors behind him.


Wellenmeier...9.39 ERA Perfect. I think we need to face good pitchers to get these bats going. Too bad KC doesn't have Walter Johnson in their bullpen.

Justin got a hold of one there, any other stadium and the game is over. Dammit, no luck even when we hit it.

Jesus, back to back hits. Don't let anyone tell you that lightning can't strike twice. No, this is even less probable than that.

Mike Redmond, game winning hit. I'm speechless.

The Twins are celebrating like they just hit the powerball. Yep, that's right: Them getting 3 hits in a row is less likely than winning the powerball.


Effusively celebrating a 1-0 win over Kansas City would be like dancing around the room after your Grandfather lets you beat him in checkers. A win is a win, and as far as aphorisms go, it's also a long season. Let's hope that this ugly win closes the door on an ugly stretch to start the year. The schedule gets a bit tougher from here on out, so we better hope this is a sign of better things to come.


Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Pontoon On Life Support


Well, if you lose consecutive starts to the Royals, even if you're Johan Santana you should be fired. This is where Pontoon could find himself after tonight's game, but no worries--he'll always have his aqua velva and kentucky fried chicken endorsement deals to fall back on.

It's a shame the Twins can't hit in place of the Royals, if that were so we'd make Ponson a regular Sandy Koufax.

But that isn't so, and as I write that Mike Sweeney blasts a hanging breaking ball into the cheap seats in left field. Is it too much to ask for a lead, at some point, in any game? We'll be seeing Perkins and/or Guerrier soon.


Hey Perez, that 8.64 ERA? No worries, we got you covered.

Maybe we should quit wondering about stress reactions and starting asking ourselves where to upgrade the assbats.


Jensen: I'd have to agree with you there. Here's my pictorial description:

You decide.


I hope this blast from Sinn Fein reveals the true colors of Odalis Perez--you can only give people Jim Beam for so long before they realize it's not Glenlivet.


Please, for the love of Jeebus, make Pontoon waste lots of pitches Pena. You have no idea how much of a favor you're doing us by running up the pitch count.

It's a shame Bert isn't running the Twins, I have a feeling Ponson would be trying to catch on with the Salvadorian Summer League instead of pitching for a major league ballclub.

Bert: "I've stayed up all night asking myself 'why'?"

Bert Blyleven is a man of the people.

I don't think Ponson is good enough to pitch for the damn F-M Redhawks.

Casilla fucked with DeJesus and ended up face planting the turf. In any case, you never want "big double play" and Kansas City Royals in the same sentence.


Hey Hater Nation, I know you don't want to hear this, but it looks like Kubel's bat is coming around, despite that flair out.

"Even Bartlett has experienced success against Perez." Oh Dick...even Barlett...that's harsh when Bremer disses you.

The Pear King says, "Fuck you very much Bremer" and lofts a single to right field.

You know when you say, "That washed up star? He's probably selling insurance somewhere." Boy do I feel bad for both Al Newman and his employer Aflac. I guess Ponson knows who to contact for his next career opportunity.

Alexi not having good at-bats. Whenever Castillo comes back, better pack your bags buddy. More like CasillAAA.

Christ, is anyone having good at bats?


The one, and I mean the one advantage of Ponson: His girth blocks any hit within a 10 block radius. The bad news? The fatty layer protects him from getting hurt and leaving the game.

I'm not Ponson apologist, but this ump's strike zone is dancing around home plate like Dean Martin.

Kubel, borrowing Rondell's hoverboard, makes a nice catch there. Maybe from now on KC should just start with people on 1st and 2nd since Ponson seems to prefer it that way.


Dan: You know, if you could combine the two teams, jettisoning most of the Twins' hitters and losing most of the Rangers' pitchers, you'd have quite a squad.

You know what guys, I got nothing.



Dan: That's pretty harsh when you've got both Lofton and Sosa. Maybe the Twins should go on their own archaeological dig and unearth the remains of Otis Nixon and Roberto Kelly.

Temporary suspension of strike: 100 pitches for the pontoon, no one warming up. It's kind of like when I drove my '87 Olds Cutlass into the ground before ditching it, which I literally did on the side of I-94 when it finally broke down. Apparently, that's illegal, as I got a notice from your friendly neighborhood state patrol a couple of months later of some sort of fine. Either way, it was worth it. Let's pitch Ponson until his elbow goes all Frank Viola on us and he never has to subject anyone to his pitching again.




I'd like to think that the recent stirring of the bats has something to do with my blogging strike, but I doubt it. Anyways, in comes Sir Duckworth, and warming up next for KC, Mr. Belvedeere.

Congratulations Duckworth, you're the Joe Mays of 2007.

Or the Johan Santana. Back on strike.


You know you're slow when 72 year old Reggie Sanders is brought in to run for you.

Punto is now the second person Bert has referred to as a cat this game, after Casilla earlier. If Dick keeps making cracks about how old he is, Bert might just refer to Bremer as a fucking asshole.

These casinos and their senior nights: "Hey, come blow all the money you spent your whole life saving up so your good for nothing kids can't inherit it".

And Death Metal rocks on.


Casilla does the old Ichiro move there and is halfway to Duluth before the ball reaches first.

0-2 tonight, Mauer doesn't really have his mo-Joe working tonight but hey I'll take a walk. The Royals probably know that Cuddy salivates over the possibility of hitting into a double play with the game on the line.

Fucking Cuddy.






How convenient, I don't even have to change who is buried tonight. Silver lining people, silver lining.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007




RK has a late class, so fasten your seat belts, we've got a Clash theme going this evening. Seeing how we're playing the Team With A Racially Insensitive Nickname That Plays Near Lake Erie, I decided against the Custer's last stand route.

But in any case, RK and I might start a White Riot if the Twins can't put up some runs. Meanwhile, Santanista! will hopefully put the Clampdown on the Cleveland hitters. The pirhanas, unless they're Lost In The Supermarket, better show up for tonight's game. The pirhanas, however, aren't the only ones without Complete Control over their bats---Dr. Neau has also been faltering during crunch time as of late. All in all, if the Twins don't get their act in gear, they'll have to search for new Career Opportunities.

With respect to coaching, I feel pretty comfortable because Gardy Can't Fail .

You guys decide, Should I Stay Or Should I Go?


RK: Not gonna lie guys, always more of a Cheap Trick kinda guy myself. I mean "guys" in its gender-inclusive form. It's a neuter noun for me. Which makes picking up the declensions much more difficult... anyway. JOHAN AND GLOBAL WARMING BLEW UP THE FIST-POUND! I SAW IT!

WV: Nice

RK: I prefer to do Hawking's theory of time with my fist pounds. You make contact, blow it up, and then retract, and while making a sucking in noise, reconnect the fists

WV: As far as George Eliot goes, however, I'd prefer to mimic Silas Marner tonight as opposed to Middlemarch

RK: Is there any other blog where you could possibly get this invaluable information?

WV: Wow, why do I hear Zach de la Rocha's voice in my head?

RK: You're a... bull... on parade?

WV: Yeah, either drop the hits like De La O or get the fuck off the commode

RK: Grand Casino is apparently closer than you think. Like watching you shower close.

WV: Haha

RK: From here in, Jason Michaels is now George Michael. He will be my father figure.

WV: Potential

RK: Ha, I love how Johan was halfway to third base before the umpire rung Tom Sizemore up for being a washed-out actor

WV: Danny Bonaducci on deck

WV: That pitch there was on purpose, trying to lift Gordito's spirits

RK: Santana will now crush Blake's dreams

WV: Aaaany second now.

RK: Stone.

WV: I appreciate the comparison of Johan and Viola, but Bert might be off base here. Their arm motion can't be that similar, I mean, Johan's elbow isn't in the press box.

RK: Harsh, but accurate.

WV: I guess Hafner turns into Optimus Prime against us

RK: Semi truck Optimus Prime or stupid space base Optimus Prime?

WV: Leg's go with semi truck

RK: I'm a purist like that too.

WV: We're on a 12 step program.

RK: Can I be nervous now?



WV: Let's hope Fausto hasn't yet sold his soul to Beelzebub for eternal knowledge and power.

RK: And women. Or is that me?

WV: Let's go with it

RK: I'm just saying what you're all thinking.

WV: All together now, "Not Necessary!"

RK: One of these days, Punto is going to lose both arms and his nose


RK: It is tiiiiiime, Brother Joe, to rise up and put one into the seats!

WV: I swear I've seen that double play about 80 times this season. Isn't this what hell is for some people?




RK: Wow, so impending free agency trade bait might get fined or suspended for keeping his promise of giving the Royals champan-yah?

WV: Hmm...I think Fausto might've already made his deal with the Prince of Gar..err Darkness.

RK: I mean honestly, what kind of luck is this?

WV: I was gonna send Casey Blake a bottle of champagne, but after that baserunning blunder, I'm going to drink it myself

RK: I'm going to go take a battery acid shower.


RK: re: Sinn Fein, "Good attempt but not the right decision?" Where's my cake? I want to have it and eat it too

WV: Maybe if they want me to buy group tickets they shouldn't show large gatherings of choochbags in the stands concurrently

RK: I think he was mouthing, "I'm drunk and don't know why I'm cheering!"

WV: After failing again, Blake can now go home and pen "Songs of Experience"

RK: Santana is his qua self


WV: Matt: Are you going to blame that on Kubel too..oh wait.

RK: We kid because we love. We're both Kubel, and in fact, the triune Jasonhead entire apologists.

WV: Well, let's see how the Pear King's at-bat goes

RK: I like Dick's point that it seems like we're sucking, but we have one of the best records in the AL

WV: That would comfort me if our schedule were a little tougher up to this point

RK: But that's somewhat moot; if the premiere teams aren't doing any better, what's the impact?

WV: Touché

RK:You know, I feel like we somehow won there

WV: I'll take an out and Casilla on 2nd

RK: Absolutely.

WV: Defeated


WV: Great, now Hafner's OBP isn't Google %

RK: 8 billion.

WV: Remember when google used to mean something other than a search engine?

RK: I think it was even spelled googol

WV: And it had nothing to do with a Russian short story called "The Overcoat"

RK: Was the coat virtuous and working toward the greater glory of the Peoples' Republic?

WV: "In Soviet Russia, road forks you"

RK: OK, we can give Kubel a little flak on that one. But not much. He was shaded right.

WV: The first baseman is still making us pay for last night's pun fest

RK: Mustn't hesitate, grasshopper. Must be like Al Newman in 1991

WV: QTF, why did he hestitate?

RK: Indecision.

WV: Well 3 runs, that should about cover it for the evening

RK: So uh... whaddya wanna talk about

WV: This guy's got quite the routine at the plate

RK: It's the only time he's on camera since he never gets on base


RK: Mauer really does have one of the sweetest swings in the game. I mean, goes without saying, but still.

WV: Possibly, Ben. It seems insurmountable.

RK: This is possibly promising, but I'll keep my head shut.

WV: Man I miss Hormel Dollar-A-Dog nights

RK: Did you ever take a road trip from Northfield just to go a Wed. game? I know I did from St. John's

WV: Oh without a doubt.

RK: More times than I should probably admit.

WV: Alright, we can roll with this.

RK: In light of empirical evidence, we can't expect anything better

WV: Hunter's thinking, "How can I stretch my boxers into overalls"

RK: Or, "I wonder if I should hit into a 643 or 463 DP?" OK, that's mean. Sorry Sinn Fein. I don't have a car, but don't blow me up

WV: I was bracing myself for another baserunning gaffe there

RK: Wow, is there a weaker arm than Damon in the AL? We've got a winner! We've got a winner! Juice by Sizemore!

WV: Sizemore secretly believes he's pretty enough to be in The Strokes

RK: The Strokes secretly believe they're still the "It" band

WV: They're carpooling to the same Surreal Life episode as Tom Green

RK: Well... I guess he put some good wood on it.


RK: I like missing the 1st out

WV: Don't like it so much when the 2B throws wide from 10 feet away

RK: Nice shag by the Good Doctor!

WV: It would seem that our fortune is turning.

RK: Let's not exhale just yet


RK: I don't think Casilla swung till he was out of the batter's box

WV: I'm starting to think that if Casilla played basketball he'd be a Harlem Globetrotter with all his useless tricks.

RK: The tide must be high tonight. Sandcastle's not looking so good

WV: Pirantas aren't looking too hot either. I'd blame global warming, but he's batting 3rd


WV: I'd say we were streaky but our streaks come once a game and are 2 or 3 run outbursts

RK: I streak better than that from my shower to the bedroom

WV: We need to start a pool called: "Who's going to commit the error tonight?" Prizes TBD

RK: Bartlett's too easy

WV: Sorry Sister Jensen, but it's true. We should trade Silva to the Yankees while he's still respectable

RK: Haha, for Mientkiewicz, straight up. Think Buster Olney would even notice that trade?

WV: He'd notice the blocked sunlight as Gordito approaches the East Coast

RK: Doug would keep one foot on first in the Bronx until he landed in Minneapolis

WV: You know those mini-basketball games at Chuck E. Cheese?

RK: All too well

WV: How you are hit and miss but then all of a sudden you hit like 20 in a row? We need Santana to hit that groove.

RK: I'll take Bert saying "ho ho ho" and tapping his belly any day

WV: Never a bad day with him in the booth


WV: I think they've converted the Metrodome into a hyper-gravity center

RK: I remember that ride at the fair.

WV: This is getting to be a little depressing


RK: I love how even when Santana has a bit of a rough start, he can pitch forever

WV: After last night I'm sure the bullpen is grateful

RK: Didn't need the 2-out walk now.

WV: I'm going to go ahead and blame this on the umpire totally botching that strike on Sizemore

RK: I need to quit talking. Forever. Go live in a hole and everything. And you are correct sir.

WV: This is altogether unfamiliar territory for me.

RK: Well this isn't the end of the inning I was envisioning

WV: Minnesota Twins: Get to unknow 'em

RK: Don't gotta see this

WV: Earlier, I built a flood dike around the Sandcastle

RK: Good call


WV: Boy we're on a real streak of giving inconsistent mediocre pitchers their best career starts

RK: Someone's gotta do it

WV: I'm not even a little excited right now. I can't even muster enough of a will to imagine that Barlett could tie this up.

RK: Yeah, my brain is failing me right now

WV: It's like the opposing team can read the future and position themselves in the field accordingly

RK: Good thing we didn't waste the brain energy to use our imaginations


RK: Looks like the Metrodome slip-n-slide funpark is coming to fruition.

WV: Guerrier to Punto: Pysch!

WV: *more depression*

RK: I'm gonna go find my scotch.

WV: Not having Castillo and Rondell can't be this debilitating can it?

RK: We need some hoverboard action, ASAP


WV: The fact that the Yankees keep sucking has nearly stopped making me feel better

RK: Schadenfreude is good

WV: What's one of those things called again..a.....trot? a....scamper? Oh yes, a walk.

RK: I've seen one of those before.


WV: I mean, what else are you gonna do?


WV: Definitely

RK: I asplode.


RK: Stacey, I like your style

WV: Bourbon bourbon bourbon

RK: Scotchy scotch scotch

WV: zzzzzz

RK: Wake me up before you go go

WV: Stacey: You're not Tyner-ing too hard....Sigh. Maybe we better avoid the puns.


WV: In good news, Jeter was hit by a pitch for the second straight day and left the game

RK: God we're horrible

RK: I was watching this video and I was like, "What is this again?" Then I remembered I was watching a baseball game

WV: A part of me would like them to either win or lose. I'm not sure extra innings would be cool

RK: I'm boycotting extra innings tonight. I have grading to do

WV: Justinsupportable

RK: Faulty fuse on Fein's carbomb

WV: I mean, good for Kubel, but y'know, scoreboard

RK: Great managerial move there Gardy

WV: Mercifully over


RK: My head hurts.

WV: This game gave me glaucoma of the eye.

Monday, April 23, 2007


After A Long Road Trip, Remember, Home is Just 60 ft. 6 in. Away

*Special thanks to friend of P.A.B. HS for assisting with tonight's punning, notably the Ryan Garko fiasco.
*Also, check out our ever evolving Working Glossary as we've updated some of the names from last season

WV: Last night we were kissed by a rose, tonight I hope we're not drinking vodka Sowers

RK: I'm more of a Silva Wolf Vodka kinda guy myself

WV: Good to hear Bert again

RK: I feel so awake

WV: Hopefully the Twins do too

RK: I sense a cocktail-themed post tonight. God help us

WV: After Batman Forever last game, the only people who will be reading our blog come tomorrow will be our mothers.

RK: My mom thinks we're "cute."

WV: You know my mother always preferred you to me right

WV: Uhh..and not in a Mrs. Robinson sort of way

WV: Well this got weird.

RK: Let's just wait for the first pitch while I give my psyche a bath


WV: Silva isn't a major league pitcher, but he did stay at a holiday inn express last night

RK: He's looking sort of sharp already, but Sizemore's a tough out

WV: Casilla, take note: TRUST US

RK: Remember when we had Casey Blake?

WV: I also remember when we had Pat Mears. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?

RK: Whoa, who is Silva channeling here?

WV: His 2005 self.

RK: Let's see if he can strike out North Dakota's second favorite son

WV: Who is the first?

RK: Did you know the North Dakota legislature just passed a ban on robotic chip implantation in humans?

RK: Darin "Dog Bit My Upper Lip Off" Erstad

WV: We'll see what they do about the impending organ harvest.

WV: Ha! Well, robotic chip implantation is a serious issue right. Meanwhile, Devil Lake residents swim to their garages

RK: Garrison Water Diversion!

WV: Too bad they passed that law after Hafner was born

RK: He owns Silva like I own Double Dragon

RK: : I'd like to see Silva develop a gyroball, but I'm not sure you're allowed to bring out lamb-meat and cucumber sauce to the mound. *ba-dum ching!*

WV: Donnie Garko is about to go back in time on deck

RK: All the old nicknames are coming out.

WV: And so are the Twins hitters.


WV: Sandcastles are easy to build, tough to maintain

RK: The tide ebbs, and the tide flows

RK: Then there's the neap tide, which is actually the robots being restless

WV: Well, that's a dinger in college ball, Li'l Nicky

RK: Honestly, is it just me or is everyone we face a lefty?

WV: Good point

WV: That's the barrel roll approach to base running

RK: You gotta Stop, Drop, and Roll when breaking up the DP

WV: Huh, Twins are last in the league with 9 HR

RK: Shocker there.

WV: 2 on opening day

RK:I couldn't tell if Cuddy was swinging there or trying to open a jar of Smuckers strawberry preserves


RK: Silva's thrown what, 200 pitches?

WV: The team with the racially insensitive nickname that plays near Lake Erie is being patient at the plate tonight

RK: Jhonny Peralta Uhp Tho The Phlate

WV: Ahnd Hhe Shtrikes Ohut

RK: Remember when Bert said gesundheit after Bremer said Choo's last name last season?

WV: Ha, I do!

RK: Jack Morris is mutating into Robert Frost

WV: Crossbred with a yeti.


RK: April Sowers bring Hunter singles that get stretched into doubles

WV: Nhice Thry Jhonny

RK: We're so awesome.

WV: The Twins clutch hitting is not

RK: Like Paula Cole and her cowboys, where have all the 2-out rallies gone?


RK: Remember how Silva used to never walk anyone?

WV: That was great

RK: It doesn't seem like his sinker has been sinking this evening.

WV: If he gives up 8 runs, you heard it here first. But that's like predicting rain in Seattle.

RK: Good play by the Pear King; Gordito's gotta be impressed

RK: slash relieved

RK: So that shift's working pretty well

WV: Too bad the fieldturf isn't a giant slip-'n-slide

RK: But it... could be... a boy can dream


WV: The error committing component of the tri-partite Jasoncreature strokes a double

RK: We just have a high standard; Twins are in first place in fielding percentage

WV: He's the ugly girl next door.

RK: Hm, don't know what I think about giving the fans souvenirs on bunt fouls

WV: Usually indicative of a less-than-perfect bunt

RK: Now that's just dumb luck.

WV: We've stranded runners at 2nd every which way possible this season.

RK: I mean really, you can't blame anyone for that

WV: Not even the baseball Gods

RK: Whiskey Sowers not too smooth going down

WV: Well, we reap what we Sowers.


WV: I agree with Uncontrollable Id, Bartlett has been at the epicenter of some unusual, unfortunate plays lately

RK: 71 pitches already for Gordito, pretty soon he'll work himself down to being called Flaco

WV: Reaching on a strikeout that goes to the backstop - reminds me of that game in 2002 v the Orioles and I have way too much baseball memory

RK: Big League Choo out on that ground out

WV: I know how Bert didn't quite wait til commercial break to say, "Why did he have the green light?"

RK: Oh we're live?


RK: Good try Barfield. Perhaps Cirque Du Soleil has an opening

WV: Perhaps some good Barfielding

RK: Best barfielding I've ever seen is pre-clinically insane Tom Cruise in "Cocktail"


RK: Oh for the love of...

RK: Nick, I've never actually legitimately cleared Double Dragon. I'm pretty sure it's impossible and you're a huge liar

WV: Maybe Donny Garko can take us back to a time when we scored runs

RK: We seem to have a cold and are currently unable to smell the RsBI


RK: 80+ pitches through 4 innings. Remember when he threw a 78-pitch complete game?

WV: Everyone on the opposing team on that day should've been fired

RK: Cuddy's new strategy: Bobble the ball and hope they break for home

RK: Joe, that might be the funniest thing I've ever read

WV: Dear Twins: Much more fun to blog when you're winning. Please adjust your baseball policies accordingly

RK: Matt Guerrier gets up in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

WV: Or Glen Perkins.

RK: Or some guy named Earl

RK: My head asplode

WV: In all fairness, before the season we would've taken 5 innings and 3 runs from silva

RK: No question

WV: True, but I've noticeably aged since the beginning of that inning


RK: Twins + Left Handed Pitching = Big Bowl of Ass

WV: Whay Tho Gho Jhonny

RK: I remember having this discussion back when baked Zito was good

WV: We've scored once in the last 14 innings. Nice.

RK: Industrious and quick - how I like my assembly lines, not my Twins half-inning


RK: I like seeing good defense like that. Joe is redeemed

WV: Only Joe can get a basehit on that pitch with that swing

RK: We'll start being witty when the Twins justify it.

RK: *headdesk*


WV: Ooh, Hafner all bit and strong can't get the weight off of his bat. Pussy

RK: *big

WV: It takes North Dakotans a while to get things

RK: Let's see if it makes him timid and ashamed at the plate

WV: A few more run ins with the batting weight and he'll be back in Rugby working at the grain elevator.

RK: But that's where all the action is - it's the geographical center of North America

WV: OK, now get out there and prove the old adage that good fielding breeds good hitting!


WV: Not the best game of Morneau's life.

RK: Mama said there'd be days like this; there'd be days like this my mama said

WV: Amazing, when you don't swing Sowers throws balls.

RK: Hunter scores requisite one run of game

WV: I don't know why they put up "Home Run - Hunter" when his name is Sinn Fein

HB (friend of Bill's watching game): "Kubel Khan" by Coleridge: "In Xanadu did Kubel Khan/ A stately Metrodome decree"

WV: Believe it.

RK: That's awesome

WV: I hold my breath for piranta action

RK: Nothing like a Metrodome double

WV: The sandcastle is strong tonight!

RK: That ball must've been wearing Air Jordans

WV: Or had the pump with that stupid device for auto pumping


WV: So if you remember, Rincon means "corner" in Spanish

WV: So we can work with this

RK: A few more hits like that, and you'll need a time out in the Rincon

WV: Maybe there'll be runners on the Rincones

RK: Juan "don't back us into a" Rincon

WV: Daniel, nobody can beat that game. Some sadistic bastard made it, I'm sure

RK: I took pleasure in watching Michaels sprint to 3rd even though the inning was over.


RK: I'm glad we're having 80s NES nostalgia

RK: But the baseball game is interesting now, so I'll try to focus on that and not that Bionic Commando is impossible

WV: Sides like this are why it's sometimes best not to publish every half inning.


WV: Bert has been quiet tonight

RK: You wonder if Dick has his hand over Bert's mouth


WV: Backed into a Rincon, we order a dennys sampler plate

RK: The numbers on Reyes doesn't look promising

WV: Apparently Martinez is 1 for 11 against him, so we'll see.

RK: Uh, urf

WV: Everybody in the bullpen gets a turn this inning

RK: So, video games huh?

WV: How about Battletoads on the Game Boy?

RK: Never really played it

RK: Alright Death Metal, you need to play your frets like Buckethead

RK: Donnie Garko needs to have a metaphorical plane engine crash on top of him

WV: Loooong strike

RK: Damn, son

RK: Bert knows a thing or two about long strikes

WV: Is it sad that the call of the night is the pitcher throwing a strike?


WV: It indeed is, but I'm happy it came true.


For lack of a better thing to write, some variations of Donnie Garko:

If he discovered China, he'd be Garko Polo.

If he were a buxom blonde, Terri Garrko.

If he had a sleeping disorder, Garkoleptic

If he played for the Magic, Garko Milicic.

If he dealt drugs, a Garkotraficante

If he were a drug enforcement officer, he'd be a Garc.

If he were in the Wizard of Oz, Judy Garkland

If he had been on a Nickelodeon ghost show, it'd be, "Are You Afraid of the Gark?"

If he were singing Christmas carols, he'd go "Gark the herald Angels sing"

If he drank whiskey, it'd be Cutty Gark

If he was mistaken, he'd be garking up the run tree.


More Donnie Garko:

If he had two of every animal with him, it'd be Noah's Gark

If he started batteries, he'd be a Gark plug

If he were a Spanish rainbow, he'd be a Garco iris

If he were a French landmark, the Garc de triomphe

If he were found in Pharaoh's tomb, he'd be a garkophagus


RK: After hours blogging is a real treat huh

WV: Oh it's great


RK: Well, The Crainadian's getting it done

WV: Yeah, you can't say the bullpen hasn't done its job tonight.

RK: True enough. My call is that Joe will end it in the next inning

WV: Nice to avoid getting to Hafner there.

RK: If he were a Monopoly property, he'd be Gark Place

WV: If here were a leftwing Colombian paramilitary organization, he'd be the Garc

RK: If he had his own week on Discovery Channel, it'd be Gark Week


WV: If he were the company that makes Monopoly, he'd be Garker Brothers

RK: If he were a baseball columnist for he'd be Jayson Gark

WV: If you want to write something for posterity, you'd use a permanent garker

RK: If he were an apostle, he'd have written the Gospel of Gark

WV: If he were a continent, he'd be Antgarktica

RK: Anyways, Mauer's on first

WV: Hopefully they can get it done here.

RK: That'd be super

WV: If his capital were Little Rock, he'd be Garkansas

RK: Stacey wins: "If he were Mike Redmond, he'd be Gark naked"


WV: If he were mercifully trying to end this thing, he'd be Garko

RK: If he were up to bat, he'd be STRIKE THE HELL OUT


WV: We might have caused that by making fun of his name so much.

RK: Or by playing the infield in

RK: Well.

WV: If he were Jhonny Peralta's brother, he'd be Rhyan Garko

RK: Remember back in 2001 when we just couldn't beat the Indians for the life of us? Awesome

WV: This post is longer than Middlemarch

RK: It's approaching The Arcades Project

WV: Kinetico is advising me to love my water. well i love my water a lot more than my twins right now

RK: That small child is hoarding it

RK: Nice play by Punto. Again, Gnah



RK: Did Bert just say "Good ball game, really"?

WV: Sigh.


Objet Petit a: A Benjaminian Analysis of the Lacanian Other in the Inverted Parallax View


OK, so it's not an off-day, but it's a funny video nonetheless. See you at 8, hombres.


... Or a hilarious video on this off-day.

Sunday, April 22, 2007


Y'know What They Call a Quarter Pounder With Cheese in France? De La Rosa


WV: Eating pizza, drinking coke and watching baseball allows for real thinking time

RK: You really get a perspective. Also, thanks to you for covering and for everyone's thoughts/concern while I was on retreat in North Carolina

WV: My pleasure, but unlike Plato I wasn't able to fictionalize your presence to preserve our dialogic nature.

RK: I suppose that qualifies me as an individual qua individual

WV: That's right, you're our Socrates. Soon argumentation will be welcomed with the Robratic method.

RK: And I'll pester the hell out of people till the city kills me?

WV: I'll send the hemlock

RK: "The Trial and Death of Socrates": Concentrated.

Greece: STFU already

Socrates: Over my dead body!



RK: I like how the announcers sound so resigned. "Well, we'll see how it goes today." It's like a recovering alcoholic waking up clutching to his blue chip

WV: About the only thing positive to say is that the sun is shining.

RK: Someone needs to send the memo to Casilla about what a leadoff hitter's supposed to do

WV: You missed Little Nicky's Pete Rose-esque belly flop slide into 3rd yesterday

RK: Ah, nostalgia. And Mauer continues to do what he does

WV: I wonder if paper bags to place over your head come with the tickets to Royals games

RK: Remember those old Tail Gator's commercials back in Fargo? Er, nevermind

WV: I do. We really watched too much tv...back then.

RK: Now I only watch The Sopranos

WV: Well, that strike out with the bases juiced wasn't totally desirable.

RK: It's an interesting strategy

WV: Ah, the old 2005 strategy


RK: I like how Everybody Loves Raymoan pitches at the speed of sound

WV: And don't look now, but the Twins lead the AL in fielding so far. I refuse to call it defense

RK: Neither do I. I prefer to preserve the quirky terminology and unique aspects of the game.

WV: And there it is.


RK: Let's see if superchew can continue his dominance over the Royals

WV: They should just move the entire team to shallow right field

RK: Or have De La Rosa throw a tin of Skoal to the plate

WV: 2 for 15 thus far for Rabe at the plate....seems about right.

RK: He's the next big thing

WV: Rabe is the elusive forth wave of ska

RK: Currently at concerts, however, his band outnumbers the crowd

WV: I hate to Gload, but nice catch.


RK: Good to hear some things never change, Jensen, but I bet the Bears fan doesn't wear a paper bag anymore.

WV: It's cool and all that Mlb.TV is playing retro arcade games on the screen during commercial breaks, but they should think beyond pac-man and pong. Like some Missle Command, for instance.

RK: Those were some good nights, drinking hooch and playing Missile Command

WV: Mike Sweeney is probably the unluckiest man on Earth

RK: An asteroid might clip him on the way back to the dugout.

WV: The way this camera is jumping up and down it's like this game is being played in a monsoon.

RK: Or typhoon.

WV: Whatever. Some kind of -oon.

RK: And you do the Barlett dumpty and you turn yourself around

WV: Baaaartlett pokey.


WV: What would you rather watch: CSI: Miami or an interview with Scott Elarton in the dugout.

RK: That's a surprisingly tough decision

WV: I really felt embarrassed for the KC announcers when they effusively thanked Elarton for talking with them.

RK: It's probably the only invitation Elarton will get to do anything all year.


WV: Royals: 4 and 4 when Pena gets a hit. That basically accounts to..not notable in the least.

RK: Yeah, and when I put on pants in the morning, the Twins are whatever their record is

WV: We've trailed the Royals far too often this series.

RK: I could really do without it. I prefer to 2-out rallies on our side.

WV: We especially don't need Gload to go all Jim Thome on us

RK: That ball was too high.


WV: Uh

RK: Baseball!

WV: Yes

RK: Webgem on Pena.


Dear people, you're stuck with just me now, RK. WV is experiencing problem with his series of tubes that we call the interwebs. So let's buckle up, because this is going to get bumpy.


Qob, I have no idea why we have such astronomically bad karma. What's Q in military code speak?

Here's the thing: the rest of this post will be themed, in terms of the 1995 epic "Batman Forever." The cast:

De La Rosa: "Kissed by a Rose"

Shealy: Seal

And I'll make up the rest as I go along. I live in the land of painfully extended metaphors.

All I know is this: I know that we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy, but the Twins won't survive this game unless they get a little offense.


I know we're reaching freak-out point here, but I want to point out that Ortiz is not unlike Val Kilmer, the calm Batman with a quick hand and... rubber nipples. He's doing his job, it's about what we should expect from him, and it's not his fault his parents were shot by the Joker.

Another run. Le sigh.

Sorry, megan et al. WV and I didn't communicate too terribly well about who was actually posting. It's all fixed up now, nice and tidy.


Casilla hit that bat like The Riddler hit that cop and hurt his hand. Is it unnerving the amount of detail I remember from this film?

Wow, the Royals are putting on a defensive show here. This isn't right! It's time for Grand Avenue Joe to belt one like Robin belted Two-Face for killing his parents.

But I'll take a slap single too, especially if Mauer goes to 2nd on a WP.

And Cuddy does his job in the middle of the M&M sandwich. Someone in the crowd near the booth said "darn it!" and I love that kind of stuff. A conscious effort to be as inoffensive as possible. I love it.

Get it together, MVP!


Yeah, I pretty much update the score when I feel like it.

I'll never like Buck because of the association with Joe Buck. And the Mauer gets up like Alfred and politely invites Sanders to exit the field of play without giving away the location of the Batcave on that strike to second.

High winds + fly ball pitcher = AAAAAUUUUGHH!

Can you believe Heidi Klum married that guy?


Qob, right, and the elements aren't helping either. But like I said, 3 runs over 6 innings? That's not too terrible for what we expected out of the guy. He's a pleasant surprise. Like Nicole Kidman as Bruce Wayne's therapist/lover.

I wonder who handles graphics for the Royals. The in-game graphics look like something from an episode of a 1979 Wide World of Sports at some cliff-diving competition in Mexico or something.

Redmond has his own little groove out to right field. At some point, they'll rename the right side of the field, the "Mike Redmond expressway"

Rabe's happy to be here, like the guy who plays Commissioner Gordon, but you're gonna be in hot water! And then you'll be delicious. I prefer watercress myself.

Were now entering the ridiculous, or "Batman and Robin" stage.


Thank God WV is back.

RK: I was running out of Batman Forever analogies anyway

WV: I hope you didn't have to mention the soundtrack.

RK: Only in passing.

WV: Because if we lose, it will be the end is the beg...yeah.

RK: 3 runs in 7 innings is a solid outing for Ortiz.

WV: Exactly

RK: The bats need to come to life though.


WV: I kind of hope Castillo comes back soon.

RK: The Sandcastle is washing away in the high tide

WV: I can't seem to find the team splits, but it feels like we've really struggled against lefties this season.

RK: That's an eternally true statement

WV: Another timeless statement: "Maybe the Royals have started to turn the corner"

RK: I bet they only turn left like NASCAR drivers.

WV: That was a pretty good play right there to get Joe out.

RK: Begrudgingly, yes.


RK: This is like a juxtaposition of the Bermuda Triangle, the Twilight Zone, and... Never Never Land with that hit by Teahan

WV: Right, you could rename it "Charlie Kaufman Stadium" and say that his rundown was a form of "Adaptation" by Reyes

RK: Seriously, I miss Bert like the deserts miss the rain. These guys are like golf announcers on opiates.

WV: Guerrierrrrreat! in

RK: The pooch: Screwed.

WV: hopefully with the next batter, Guerrier can Buck this walking people trend.

RK: You're like a pun robot today. And robots are strong.

WV: Unlike Cuddyer's seeing in the sun talent.

RK: Silly human eyes.


WV: I guess pitches at your ankles are strikes nowadays.

RK: That's a "get me out of this wind strike"

WV: Smell those RsBI

RK: I smell burning hair. Didn't turn out well for Carmine.

WV: Uh.


WV: See getting out of the wind comment.

RK: That was a strike on World 5 of Mario Brothers 3 where everything freaking enormous. And nowhere else.


RK: Well, we got kissed by a Rose.

WV: Well, the bases loaded and 1 out situation in the 1st looks like a pretty big wasted opportunity huh

RK: The bats are full of ass. The umpire is full of stupid.

WV: The pirantas went 1-14

RK: We need more havoc!

WV: it's tough to clear the table when it's never been set in the first place

RK: And it's criminal to give of the Rose a 6 pitch inning

WV: Exactly. The Twins better "Fly Like An Eagle" out of KC ASAP.

RK: God we're awesome.

WV: No doubt about it.

Saturday, April 21, 2007


Things That Make Me Feel Greinke


Having not blogged last night's game, I think we can now scientifically assert that our absence is directly related to the Twins not playing well. I'll call up the editors at the Journal of the American Chemical Society after the game. Anyways, it's already damning that you even lose to the Royals, but giving up 11 runs is a downright damnification to my very sensibilities. What, you ask, could be on par with losing to the Royals? Let's have a look-see:

*Losing to Andy Dick in an acting contest
*Losing a beauty pageant to Rosie O'Donnell.
*Losing a vocal competition to either Sanjaya or Ashlee Simpson
*Losing a foot-in-mouth competition with Don Imus

You get the point. Let's hope that Bonser and Herzegovina can put us back on track today.


Watching Tony Peña Jr. field that tapper by Casilla reminds me of the extreme dislike my 6 year old self internalized towards his father after my parents bought the VHS of the 1987 World Series. It also makes me think that if Cheech Marin ever needs a stunt double, and being a 3rd base coach for the Yanks isn't working out, Tony Pena Sr. has himself a job.

Two unlikely things just occured: Punto singled and Mauer popped up. What, is it opposite day? If so, A-Rod is my personal hero and I respect his great post-season hitting.

Golly, it sure looks sunny. Think we'll see any lost fly balls hit Cuddy or Kubel's way today?


Single there to start the game...Nobody fucks with DeJesus.

Except for second base, which turned the ankle joint, apparently. In any case, not a great start to the game for Boof. Looks like DeJesus will stay in the game, but from how he's hopping all over the infield you'd think his legs were on fire.

As the Ump does the signal for foul tip, I wonder if there's potential in an Umpire Workout video.

So, Sweeney spent a good amount of time on his ass in front of homeplate after that single, how did Casilla not throw him out? And, what does the infield dirt have against the Royals' ankles?

I guess that my comment a few minutes ago proved to be a little portentious, except that I should've included L-Rod. Isn't the outfielder supposed to take charge there? My Greinkeness is rising by the second, here.

They better work on their relationship with Mother Sun before our new stadium opens. Then again, if L-Rod's still around by then, something has gone horribly wrong.


Torrid does his part to strand Morneau at second after a lead-off double by not advancing the runner on a ground out. I'll let you blame it on the shoulder, for now.

You know, when Kubel was at AAA he hit .375 against pitchers just like Greinkie. I bet he didn't get blindsided by a change-up and look generally overmatched like just now.

I wonder if the "X team has its highest payroll ever this year" factoid is at all noteworthy. For what team isn't that true? What may be noteworthy is that the Royals' payroll, after the Meche deal, is actually pretty close to the Twins'. Hmmmm.

Redmond has got the Texas League single down the right field line down. Well, everyone has to be known for something right.


Boof has decided to strike everyone out, and I can't blame him not wanting any of the Twins' fielders to touch the ball. After seeing all these fielding gaffes Tom Kelly is going to go egg and TP Gardenhire's house.

If the Royals were able to trade Angel Berroa and his 3 million dollar salary, I've got some faith that the Twolves might dump ___________ (name any player here). But then again, will probably just try to acquire Joe Smith anyways.

5Ks Boof, holy hell. Trying to catch up to Johan in one game, are you.

Cuddy fucked with DeJesus.

I'm not sure how common this is, but neither Casilla nor Punto even swung their bats, whether it be for a strike, a foul ball or in-play. You think someone should tell them that the bats aren't there just for show?

Ok, now Joe's not swinging the bat either. What's going on here...Hmm, he finally does swing and it's a 9-9-2 double play. Perhaps the stoic motionless approach to hitting has something to it.


Mark Teahan is a Royal pain in the ass. Back to a 2 run deficit....

Ray King Felix: You are right there, my bad. You know, we could use someboy like Tony Reali at the end of PTI to point out where we've screwed up. But then again, the big difference between Wilbon and Kornheiser is that they actually care about historical accuracy and whatnot.

TOP 4th

The good Dr., aside from his superb hitting, is also a heads-up base runner. That heads-up baserunning, incidentally, may just tie the game after Sinn Fein's explosion to left field.

Now we're in business. Greinkeness level: Elevated.

I would take back what I wrote about Justincredible's base running after that rundown, but the Royals' announcers say that it's Torii's fault for bolting for 3rd. Fair enough. Greinkeness level, however, on brink of rising.

But I won't officially move it to a higher level because Mike "Bush League" Redmond just tied it up. It's that sort of ingenuity that has kept this guy in the league this long.

Well, L-Rod's up, I'm gonna go get a beer.


4 runs, 4 innings. If I'm Boof Bonser, I'm checking out the Rochester Craig's List for apartments.

It's entirely conceivable that this Royals team isn't as bad as I think, but the high number of strikeouts combined with the number of hits given up leads me to believe that their hitters are being overly agressive and that Boof should throw more balls out of the zone. Just a thought, I'm no Rick Anderson.


There's nothing like a little Mauer Pauer to brighten one's day.

In most cases, it's the thought that counts, but not here. 5th inning, game tied, stay at 2nd Joe where you're already in scoring position. The Royals' announcers, astutely, pointed out that the distance from the mound fo 3rd is shorter than 2nd to 3rd, so Joe, if you had gone to college and taken advanced geometry, we could've avoided this scolding.

The previous comment on geometry reminds me to inform you all that if you're ever planning on taking the GRE, learn how to figure out the area of a triangle. That information is sure proving to be beneficial to me studying literature....


At this stage in the game, I'm pleasantly surprised with every hit to the outfield that stays in the park. If you're looking for a positive, consider Gruzielanek's double a small victory.

Boof, what are you doing throwing hanging curveballs right over the plate in a pitcher's count? Goodness gracious. You know, there are few certainties in life, and you ought not depend on much of anything. However, when you are playing the Royals, you should be able to expect an entertaining and well-played ballgame from your team.

You know what Boof, consider this a favor from me to you. Click here and find yourself an apartment in upstate New York.

Greinkeness factor: Severe.

TOP 6TH, Royals 5 Twins 4

For a pitcher making his major league debut, the Rubick's Kubel is tough to crack.

We could definitely use another of Redmond's soon-to-be patented Texas League singles about now.

You can tell things have been bad in Kansas City for a while when their pitching changes are brought to you by a hydraulic adapters company. Before you know it Kaufmann will be known as "Flotec Sump Pump Park".

"Mike Redmond has put on a clinic on half-swing bloop singles to right field"---You have to TRUST ME that I wrote the 2nd to last line before that last hit. Not only has he gotten 3 bush league hits, but he's now tied up the game on two different ocassions.

BOTTOM 6TH, Twins 5 Royals 5

Neshek and his funky delivery just took Alex Gordon to funky town.

If LaRue thinks he's happy, after 2 ks, to see Boof out of the game, he should see Twins fans.

I guess it wasn't Boof, because Neshek took LaRue to funky town too. I guess the bottom line is that Boof was pretty much useless today and his only sucess was due to the hitter's inetpness.

Excellent to see Death Metal bounce back from his last appearance.

Greinkeness factor: Guarded


Speedy Casilla made that routine groundout a close infield single. Gload came off the bag it appears. If one were to verbalize Gload, it could be the antonym of "To Gloat"

So: After pulling his foot off the bag, the Royals firstbaseman gloaded to Casilla about his misfortune.

Nicky Punto: That belly flop slide into 3rd just made my weekend. Casilla, meanwhile, could've run around the bases 3 times and still made it home before the outfielder got to the ball.

Pitching change; Gobble waddles his way to the mound. In a show of male dominance, he spreads his tail feathers as he tries to mate with the females of the species.

Jensen: Punto said, "Fuck you Jobu, I do it myself"


Twins bring in a lefty, and they opt for Reyes over the rook. Personally, I've always preferred Perkins to Dennys, but I'll roll with it.

Hard to believe that Reyes used to be considered a starter. Beyond the extremely limited repertroire of pitches, I think the poor guy also would be winded by the 3rd inning.

Teahan crumpets works out a walk there, tying run comes to the plate. The way the balls are carrying, anything could happen.

But nothing does, moving along.

8TH INNING, Twins 7 Royals 5

Redmond has really gotten on base in as unlikely of a fashion as possible this game. L-Rod's single then is potentially nullified, with Torii being caught stealing. Gardenhire, seeing Pena screw up a routine ground out, is reminded of Barlett and puts him in the game for L-Rod.

Gordon's sliding catch was one of those, "would've been routine but my own clumsiness necessitated a slide, and that's how you get a web gem"

9TH INNING, Twins 7 Royals 5

Well folks, I hate to fuck and run but for domestic tranquility I must go out and be sociable. Hopefully everything ends in a Twins win, and if it doesn't, I'm really going to call the editors at the Journal of the American Chemical Society with my scientific theory.

Having returned, I see that the Twins did in fact pull this one out. Looking ahead, RK returns tomorrow and the true dialogic nature of this blog will resurface. In the meantime, checkout two new-ish blogs that I've been reading and enjoying as of late:

Tuesdays With Torii

MN Gameday Writers

And again, if you missed it before, yours truly appeared on the latest installment of the The Last Shot Podcast

Hasta mañana compadres.


Thursday, April 19, 2007


OK We're Here, Now Win.


Late start to the blogging. Good old MLB threw me off with their scheduling here with a West Coast afternoon start, but the important thing is that I'm here now. I know that the last time we skipped a game Santana got beat by the Devil Rays. Since he's losing, I can only assume that his ineptness has to do with my absence plus the combination of April when he's at his most vincible. That said, now that the blogging has commenced, let's get with it people.


The Castle replaced by Little House here, hopefully Little Nicky's excitability translates into a successful sac bunt. Well, that's not what I had in mind there. If you can't advance the runner or get a hit, you're missing the Punto, Nicky.

I expect Santana to nail Sexton, Ichiro or Beltre here, eye for an eye is how I roll. After seeing Weaver and Washburn, I have come to the conclusion that the Mariners should be nicknamed "Place Where Washed-Up Angels Go To Die".

You know, before I slam their pitchers, maybe I should wait until they actually screw up. Hopefully the good Dr. can bail me out here.

Double your freshment, double your fun, with double steals, maybe you can score more than one.

Unless he strikes two of your best hitters out. Dammit.


I hope you enjoyed that dinger last at-bat Betancourt, because Santana just pulled the "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice..." bit with that nasty change-up. If Santana keeps pitching like this and the score holds, we may have to give him a win in the P.A.B. statbook, right next to Tyner's 3 homers.


RABE: You have to swing the bat. It's basic physics. "Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice".

I wish I could make excuses for my poor performance at work due to the position of the sun. "Oh, I can't fill out this spreadsheet, half my desk is covered in sun. Boo hoo".

Well dating back to last night, we've now scored 1 run in the last 13 innings. Awesome.


Whoa, Bartlett threw that ground out from a shadowy part of the field, how was Morneau possibly able to catch it in the sun!

And Nicky's had enough, he's going to Smokey's. Y'all from Fargo-Moorhead will get the reference.

Wow, Johan might have actually broken Ichiro's ankles with that change-up. Maybe the TWolves could use him on their team. McHale, however, would probably trade him to the Bulls for a vienna-style hot dog and 8 first round draft picks.

Thank God Adrian Beltre seems to think you run the bases clockwise.


A Flexor Pronator King Felix, you got them making up new muscles to bail you out?

Two bunt singles. The pirhanas are, like Christina Aguilera, back to basics.

If only Punto looked like Christina Aguilera.

You have to love small ball, runners on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out and we haven't hit the ball more than 15 feet all inning.

How many lefties do you think intentionally walk the bases loaded when the batter that's up is a lefty? It's true, Mauer strikes fear into many man's hearts. In fact, Washburn had to get back to the dug-out and rip off this biblical quote:

"Were there no Joe, we would be in this glorious world with grateful hearts and no one to thank." ~Christina Rossetti (sort of).

Holy Moses, the above quotation applies to Dimples too. Cuddy strides to the dish and goes, "Fuck you Jobu, I'll do it myself".

Hey Seattle, guess what you shouldn't do: Intentionally walk people and royally piss off the next batter.

We'll have to thank Betancourt for thinking Manute Bol was fielding at first.


Ian: Welcome to the fold. As most of what I write shows, interesting is not a required adjective 'round these parts.

Jensen: It really has made my day that somebody from the F-M area caught that reference. A goal in my life is to eat the huge steak at Smokey's and get a free t-shirt put up on the wall.

Joe: A run slid that's the kind of Sabremetrics that I like to see. We really should make a P.A.B. Unofficial Statbook.

Santana's so good it's like the at-bats are starting at 0-2.

I'm going to get one of those blood pressure meters so I can see how much harder my ticker has to work when the Twins are losing. Because I have to say, I'm feeling quite at ease at the moment.


Sister Jensen brings it to my attention that it's both the kid from Grand Avenue and Sampler Plate Reyes' birthdays today. One more year and Joe can rent a car. And Dennys, my friend, you are now old enough to run for the U.S. Senate. There's no doubt in my mind that if you ran under the "Moons Over My Hammy" ticket, you'd whip both Franken and Norm Coleman. Plus, it'd be totally boss.

If you've seen the photos, you all know that the new Twins' digs will have a train in the outfield very much like Safeco. Thoughts? I'm personally happy, how else would I hop freight cars back to my cardboard box by the garbage incinerator. The Portly Old Scribe (POS) is also, incidentally a Piece Of Shit.

I'm not sure if this is true, but it looks like Cuddy's bat is V. Tech's colors. Nice gesture buddy, a Virginia native remembering his roots.


Good to see the Crainadian back in action and making quick work of the Seattle line-up. And what agility catching that screamer aimed at his shins.

And Punto's ankles seem to be in working order as well.


Jesus Christ, Death Metal. WTF? For the love of sweet Jesus I hope Sexton doesn't make us pay. That error from Betancourt that scored the 6th run is looking pretty good about now.

Oh God. Cuddy...buddy...what are you doing? Christ, Ichiro would've had an inside the park homerun.

Hey! And Joe does his best Eddie Guardado impression, pulling it out in the end. I need to get that blood pressure gauge......

Well, the brooms were out, and the M'd have been swept away. While it is still only April, at 15 games we're now almost 10% of the way through the season, if my North Dakota math isn't betraying me. Not a shabby start, any way you calculate it.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Tomorrow evening, with RK on retreat, I must go to an evening class...yeah I know, Friday night. But this means no live blogging, so try to keep the withdrawal symptoms in check everyone. See you Saturday.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


King Felix meet Gordo, Gordo meet King Felix


Tonight's pitching match-up is all about opposites. It's Hamlet vs. Sancho Panza, if you will. King Felix overpowers you with his 100 mph fastball and then breaks your ankles with a devastating curve ball.

Gordo blocks sunlight and deftly sneaks his 45 mph change-up past you.

That said, these two share one important similarity (apart from both being Venezuelan): Sub 1.00 ERAs. I suspect that this similarity has a good chance of surviving this evening, considering the Santana-esque performances by Hernandez and the ineptness of Seattle's line-up. In a way, these two opposites in the end prove the aphorism true by creating attraction. Or, if you need a visual:


Twins fans are never going to see a left fielder make a play like Ibañez for them this season. If the Undell tried to make a sliding stop, he'd not only tear his ACL but he'd also dislocate Kubel's knee through ESP.

Hmmm...two singles in a row. What is this tomfoolery you young lads have undertaken against the King.

Mauer 12-16 in his last 4 games, hey maybe he should sac bunt here.

You know, I compared him to Hamlet earlier, but I really think that if King Felix doesn't live up to his reputation tonight the collective Seattle psyche will take a serious turn for the melancholic.

Buehrle throws a no hitter. Big whup, wanna fight about it?

Meanwhile, we're scoring on King Felix's wildness. If this keeps up, he'll be more like one of Velazquez's bufoons. And you guessed it, I'm already the court jester.

You can bring the infield up, Seattle, at your own risk. If the good Dr. takes off one of your infielder's heads, you heard the warning here. And the irony, if that were to happen, would not be lost on me. Is it lost on you?

Right King Felix, look at the mound, bring out the trainer. The truth is brutal, your grandma's kugel. Is this what players do now when they're sucking it up? Oh...Mussina's on the DL? Right on.

I think it's an Axl Rose "bad vibes" sort of thing. No worries dude, just destroy the arena on your way out and royally piss of Metallica. I'll watch the "Behind The Music".

Hey, commenters: I agree, a total baby. Poor little Felix was apparently scared away by the big bad pirhanas. That Tyner, quite an imposing presence, I have to say. I sure hope he isn't seriously hurt or I might feel bad. This, is the beauty of live blogging. No edting, only retractions.

The M's catcher is singlehandedly making the title of that position a misnomer.

Well Hater Nation, you can't blame Kubel on that one. Ichiro must be Japanese for "slap single". Bet you thought I would say "fast". Or, "money". Well, if it weren't for him we might've put up 60 that inning.

As is probably clear, RK is still temporarily out of action, and his presence is channeled and is absence is felt. If the Twins keep hitting I might keep him away (just kidding my friend).

Gordo looking good. The King Felix thing makes me think of when he got a tummy ache last season against the Rays and abruptly left. But I mean, at least he lasted until the 6th inning.


I'd like to see Gordo retaliate by hitting one of them, but it would probably hurt the ball more than the batter.

Qob: Well, looks like Silva got it together, the test will be if he can keep it up. As the peanut gallery has pointed out repeatedly across the internet, 3 starts does not a rejuvenation make, but it's about the best the Twins could've hoped for coming out of Spring training.

Double steals are a lot like going to buy a pack of smokes and being offered a buy one/get one deal. Yeah yeah, I should quit. I'm just saying.

The speedy component of the Tri-partite Jasoncreature is making up for Little Nicky's excitability in the wake of his absense. Lucky for him, the good Dr. has just the proscription to make up for his sick baserunning. That line drive to right field is about the only place in the park that Ichiro can't get to.


I don't want to complain about the hitting, but dang, we'll be lucky if this game is over by next Thursday.

The Seattle commentators are going on and on: "I honestly saw nothing wrong with Felix's arm, he had good change-ups, his balls were breaking, the velocity was there..maybe it was his legs". And maybe Red Bull gives you wings and maybe being a subpar announcer for an even more subpar team makes you go blind.

Whew, good thing the roof is on tonight because that foul ball was headed for Alaska. I faintly recall Broussard being a decent prospect for Cleveland once, my how times change. Hell, Silva just hit 92 mph on that heater. Wait a second..what the hell IS going on?


"Precautionary measure because he felt tightness in his right elbow". Uh oh. Maybe going for the no-no last week caused him to overexert or something of that nature?

It doesn't take an electron microscope to see that the Ichiro centerfield experiment is working pretty well. I think Torii's status as top AL centerfielder could be in doubt, but in the end it doesn't matter because so far this series:

Twins: 16
Seattle: 2

Jimmy/Qob: Y'all totally jinxed Silva.

My rendition of King Felix:

I honestly wonder how I would fare in a footrace with Rubick's Kubel. I'm not saying I can hit major league pitching, but the man runs like his legs are made out of uranium.


I take back saying you guys jinxed Silva, he has to be one of the least likely players to ever throw a no-hitter. But then again, if Scott Erickson and Eric Milton can do it....

I was at the Eric Milton no-hitter, incidentally. Saw it with my own eyes; I wouldn't believe it actually happened otherwise. Ah yes, the good old days when the Twins use to pack 6,000 people into the Metrodome to see overrated pitchers school the Angels' Rookie League team.

The dejection coming from Seattle's TV crew is really disheartening. But come on, you can't go around comparing a 21 year old kid who is 18-18 in his career to Koufax and Marichel. I expect the hometown announcers to be somewhat subjective but come on.

Mound Visit
Redmond: Man, I'm so totally going commando and let me tell you, walking around naked is much better.
Silva: Yo no hablo inglés.
Redmond: Oh. Just throw a strike.

Roberto Clemente...err...Raul Ibanez scared me a little there. The way the camera shot up I was pretty sure we were staring down a 5-2 game.

Santana v. Washburn tomorrow...unless Jared gets a hangnail.

What a great strategy that is: Pretend you've lost the ball in order to fool poor Dimples and double him up. Thespian strategy must run rampant in the Mariner system, as they're doing a splendid job playing a professional baseball team.

You know what, why doesn't Seattle just send everyone else home and send out just Ichiro every inning.

Well, our bats have again gone silent. Someone get Jobu a refill.


Since I'm stuck with Seattle's crew, does anyone got any good Bert quotes for the evening?



Apparently Adrian Beltre is money too, but monopoly money, let's say. Discussing actual figures, we pay our 3rd baseman 300k can about guess what Beltre is getting.

The Mariners folk are feigning concern over Castillo limping, but little do they know, that's how he walks.

That was quick. Seriously, somebody get Jobu to take fear from bats.


2 on, 0 out, 3-1 count...what, worried? Me?
A pop up, of course I wasn't worried. Kubel didn't even have to run to the ball!

Tyner looks up, exclaims "go go gadget legs!" and gets to that rocket in deep center. Kubel, meanwhile, wonders if he remembered to turn off his coffeemaker.

Well, I guess Kubel didn't have to run to that one either. Damn. What we have here is a true test for Silva, how will he respond to some adversity. And he indeed gets the final out, so that's fine. Probably his last pitch of the evening, though.


Our bats are without question still imbued with fear. What is it about left-handed pitching that stymies the Twins so much? The same thing happened when Mussina went out against the Yanks. We're rocking him, a lefty comes in, then nothing.

So, I'm not really in favor of bringing Carlos back out. You know, he's done plenty this season to suggest that he can go a 7th inning and get out of it somewhat safely. It's kind of like a cheating spouse--we may need an entire year of decency to rebuild the lost trust from 2006.

nteresting call here bringing in Guerrier in a pressure situation. Not exactly the sort of position Eyre-in Go Bragh! would've found himself in last year.

Bases loaded strike outs: They're Guerrierrrreeat!
Justin Morneau: Motherfucking MVP, bitches.

Now that my heart has been succesfully resuscitated, consider this comparison of Seattle GM Bill Bavasi with another notable public figure:

Just saying. And by the way, Jobu's still waiting on that refill.


Stacey: When I was in college, before the evolution of this wonderful network of internets, I was forced to follow along with gameday as well. It really wasn't so bad I thought, not as distracting as other forms of media and allows you to get things like homework done. As I've been blogging this mofo, I've typed...let's see....3 lines of a paper due very soon. Sigh.



Anonymous: John Malkovich is definitely a closer representation of this guy. I was sort of hoping to intimate that the kind of egalitarian utopia Lenin envisioned is the same sort of world Bavasi thought of when he gave Jeff Weaver a bunch of money. Sadly, they're destined to meet similar fates.

The entombed in a glass case in the middle of the first Starbucks comment, dbbingo, is brilliant.

Well, I think Joe will bounce back. Save situations are his strong suit, right? I wouldn't want the Nathenest to become the Nathanless.

Bottom third of the Twins line-up this evening: 0-11. Throw in Redmond and the last 4 hitters are 1-15.

Come on're just joshing us right. Don't turn me into Niestzche and have to proclaim that God is dead.

A little consistency in the strike zone would be peachy, at the moment it's dancing around home plate like Fred Astaire.

I can't tell if Castillo is mocking Ibanez or if he's really almost losing every pop-up that comes towards him.


We now have an answer to an age old question: Scotty Ulger is not the worst 3rd base coach in the major leagues. Hey, a win is a win, right? Thank goodness Beltre has Kubel-itus and speedwalked his way toward home plate. Truly anti-climactic and climactic at the same time.

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