Pulling A Blyleven

PREGAME

Short pregame today, but thought I should give a shout out to RK who is defending his hopefully-completed thesitation today.

BOTTOM 2ND

Having spent the weekend in Minneapolis and mercifully getting a reprieve from blogging the last couple of games against the Rangers, we try to return to form (very much like the Twins themselves) in a day game blogging extravaganza.

If only there were some kind of form to return to....

A Nick Punto walk! Just steal 2nd and between you and me we can call it your 1st extra base hit. Just when we thought Gardy had gotten over his infatuation with LNP he goes and starts him a bunch of times in a row. The old switch and bait this was...

Go Go Go to the bench. The only thing Gomez's speed amounts to these days is how quickly he can make an out.

TOP 3RD

Toby Hall - Mike Redmond = 0. As in, they are equal entities.

Love this Pacific Time Zone, nothing like a baseball game starting at 10 in the morning. Eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch and listening to Bert at the same time? Kill me now. (Ed. note: I eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch at all hours of the day)

BOTTOM 3RD

For lack of anything better to say, Liriano's numbers for Rochester today: 4.1 IP 5 H 4 R 4 ER 5 BB 3 SO. Though it's early--Liriano is quite closer to being mentioned in the same sentence as Joe Mays.

The Bitch Sox are proving to be worthy of their moniker as they've now thrown at a smattering of Twins hitters, making contact with Cuddy's back. Blackburn: Your mission is to take out AJ. Pirhanas can be lethal right?

Free Kubel!!! From his plunging batting average.

TOP 4TH, KNOTTED AT 1

Bert Blyleven Traffic Safety, Private Eye needs to supply hard hats to the folks sitting in the left field seats whenever Nick Blackburn pitches to Carlos (San) Quentin.

BOTTOM 4TH, BITCH SOX UP 1

I take back all the mean-spirited things I said about Speedy Go[m]ez.....until trying to go home after stealing 3rd! Gardy's pretty incensed, so maybe he really was safe. In any case, 2 runs in, we retake the lead.

I get the sense that Gardy identifies a lot with Demi Moore and her dealings with Ashton Kutcher.

BOTTOM 6TH, EMPATADO A 3

4k's in 2 innings? I'd say we've got this Thornton guy figured out.

TOP 7TH

Maybe I should criticize Go Go more often. Not only does he get on base, but he might have injured the pitcher. Nice---who needs to throw at people's heads when you can have your leadoff hitter elicit and all out ligament assault.

RK THESITATION UPDATE; Passed the defense. A collective congratulations to my partner in blogging crime.

IN DR. NEAU WE TRUST!!!! File that double under the "Living Up To Your Contract" category.

BOTTOM 7TH

"Dye's got the pants legs pulled down, it's obvious he's going for some kind of change". That's another piece of dazzling analysis from the Dazzle Man himself.

Strike out the side? I'll take 2 to go.

TOP 9TH

Nathan has discovered that throwing fast balls down the middle of the plate is the best way to sweep away the Bitch Sox and move to within 1.5 games of first place in the Central.

PREGAME

I've been grading papers all day today, so I sure hope Boof lifts my spirits a little bit tonight.

I just thought of something. As you all know, in Michael J. Fox's magnum opus Teen Wolf, his loins are afire (after all, the werewolf thing is one big puberty metaphor, right?) and they are torn (thankfully metaphorically) between the girl next door Boof and... Pamela? I think? Some anonymous early 80s blonde with tastefully feathered hair and shirts with oversized collars. Like they did.

Bonser certainly has hair that is OC (outta control) and is sort of werewolfey, and hell, it might not be the most sophisticated relationship, but Ima call Boof Teen Wolf.



Couldn't have said it better myself.

TOP 1ST

Alright MLB.tv, this is unacceptable. I paid a bunch of money to be able to watch the games and I can't watch the damn games.

So I have to watch the lowest resolution and I can't use Mosaic; this is why I paid for premium?

Heads up play, Joe! Well, I'm not missing much anyway, and perhaps it's even better a little grainy.

BOTTOM 1ST

Boof! A 1-2-3 inning! Let's hope we can keep the pitch count under 100 by the 4th inning, eh?

I find myself in a strange position rooting for the Yankees to win tonight because they're playing the bitch sox.

TOP 2ND

Wha-hm? Who?

BOTTOM 2ND

Oh Teen Wolf. Teen Wolf Teen Wolf Teen Wolf

Hmm, blogging and grading papers is more difficult than I thought it would be tonight. You wanna grade these for me, party people? Just give me a list of 32 letters and I'll assign them randomly (J/K!)

TOP 3RD, MINNESOTA 0 OAKLAND 1

Oh, my player froze! So I missed the inning! Oh what a night!

Late December back in '63.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

I've diagnosed my lack of attention in this game:

1. No Dick and Bert
2. Choppy video
3. Grading papers

Just call me Dr. K. No seriously, in like 4 years you can call me that. Yes. Maybe. Whatever. I'm wallowing in ennui

Aaaaand it's crapped out entirely. OK, time to contact MLB. Sorry for the half assed post!

Let's just pretend like it never happened and we'll still respect each other in the morning.

PREGAME

I use MLB Mosaic, as you know from my many and numerous frustrations, and one of the six screens is a "Baseball tv channel" and I swear I saw Al Letier warming up to pitch for the Mets. I looked him up, and it looks like he's inactive, but why in God's sweet hell would they show him warming up from year ago? I mean, I know he's a notoriously slow pitcher, so perhaps he's still pitching his last game from 2005?

WV is in Oakland tonight, and has good seats, meaning 300 yards from the field (The Coliseum has a looooot of foul territory people, which was good in 02, am I right!) so you're stuck with me, but I don't know for how long. I've been grading papers all day and I have my cranky pants on.

Harrumph.

1ST

And hey, it's time to gripe again! Mosaic is crapping out on me and my connection is super choppy.

So what's going on in the game? How's Bon Jovi doing? How am I doing? What's the meaning of it all?

I see the inning is over. But not because I saw it. Really puts a cramp in how this blog goes, huh?

OK I give up, I can't watch the game. Keep me company in the comments? Pleeeeeeease?

PREGAME

RK: 2 special weekend blogs? See how good we are to these people?

WV: And don't let them ever forget it! I won't mention that our special weekend sessions are more of a comment on our respective social lives than on loyalty to the reader base.

RK: My liver hurts

WV: Well would you keep that to yourself, see I don't want to be a bad role model for fresh-faced Rocket Bats.

RK: I'm sure he'll be fine. I bet he brought a canteen of the waters of Rivendell

TOP 1ST

RK: Jim Rich? Who the hell is that? I can only handle 3 people per sports broadcast

RK: That's why I can't watch Barry Melrose on Sports Center...well, one of many reasons

WV: Jim Rich sounds like a pseudonym.

RK: Yeah, like a major character in the Westing Game

WV: So Adam Everett is on the DL, with strict doctor's orders not to hit or swing for a week. So pretty much he doesn't need to change a thing, right?

RK: He and I are on the same training regiment

WV: I don't know man, you probably work your triceps harder at Wii Sports than Everett does at short.

RK: I'll cut the guy a break, but I sure do like seeing Punto

WV: I can never get enough of Punto.

RK: Except last year at the plate. But he didn't take too long up there

RK: Travis Hafner is from North Dakota did you know Travis Hafner is from North Dakota? because Travis Hafner is from North Dakota

BOTTOM 1ST

RK: Oh I didn't even want to see the actual play, I just wanted to see that pitch to Go[m]ez over and over again

WV: It's the irony of weak armed Paul Byrd throwing at somebody's head.

RK: He is all over the place. Even I'm flinching when the ball crosses the plate

WV: Why can't Gomez take a hint from Harris. INFIELD DRIBBLER.

TOP 2ND

RK: Garko auto insurance is up

WV: Garko auto insurance. This will never get old.

RK: I wonder if when Dick hurts himself he also refers to it as an "owie"

WV: What do you think the over/under is on owie vs. booboo?

RK: I think you go from booboo to owie to a stream of profanity that would make your mother blush

WV: So Dick'll get there around retirement age.

RK: I have to admit, any day that Redmond and Punto are starting makes my interest decline somewhat.

RK: : I'm so spacey right now David Bowie could write a song about me

WV: Ha, that's beautiful.

WV: Tough walk there Scotty. When you try your best but you don't succeed.....

RK:

WV: I'll leave it at that. Man, you're on a roll today RK.

BOTTOM 2ND

WV: I just spit coffee onto my keyboard listening to Ricky Gervais mimic Coldplay.

WV: That's good tv.

RK: That half inning took 14 seconds

WV: What is it with this Byrd guy?

RK: HGH

TOP 3RD

RK: kayla, it may seem random, but all of our video selections are very well thought out. Like this one: David Bowie -> Appearances on "Extras" :: Rocket Bats walking people -> Lyrics from a Coldplay song
.: Coldplay -> Guest spot on "Extras" so voila!

WV: Pretty obvious is you ask me

RK: Hey did you know that Travis Hafner is from North Dakota??

WV: Jimmytown I hear

RK: Maybe some of our readers don't know that we're from Fargo

WV: It would make much more sense if they did

WV: And like Travis (we can say that because everyone knows each other there), we're strong as mules from pitching hay bales.

RK: But just a skosh more handsome

WV: But not as handsome as that inning-ending double play.

BOTTOM 3RD

RK: What, really?

RK: A Brandon Harris dinger. Huh

WV: You mean Byrd's not throwing invisible baseballs?

TOP 4TH, ALL TIED UP AT 1

RK: Why is Jim Rich asking the guys questions? Is he really curious? Is this his schtick?

WV: I guarantee you Jim Rich is some random Joe that won a bet with Bert at the bar last night.

RK: He should really throw him off, with something like "I really like cookies. What do you think of cookies up there, guys?"

WV: The way Bert eats cake on-air, that could be suggestive.

RK: All you can eat seats? I may have to take a trip to Minneapolis

WV: Best. promotion. EVER. You could eat your way to paying off the plane ticket.

RK: That's the trick

WV: And amongst the meaningless banter, Rocket Bats notches a 1-2-3 inning.

BOTTOM 4TH

RK: In a Sartrian sense, the meaning must be made. The banter is the only thing that's really there

WV: That's the contrarian spirit I like. In that sense we're the Ralph Nader of blogdom.

WV: I like to think of us as the nadir...but uh, I digress.

RK: We live in a society of symbols after all, and Nader sure is that.

WV: Assbat is also a symbol, and if you need a signified, turn on the television and pay attention.

TOP 5TH, TIED @ 1

RK: Holy crap that new commercial is awesome. I want to watch it 200 times

WV: Do explain for us peasants restricted to radio waves?

RK: It's the pitching staff singing a parody of "Ode to Joy". "3-2 slider we adore thee" I seem to remember

WV: Did Liriano take part? Because lately his 3-2 sliders have been finding the backstop.

RK: He hit some cymbals. l, I busted a gut myself

WV: Rocket Bats is acting more like the Rocket today. Sans the hypocrisy.

RK: Stacey, why would Cuddy say such a thing! Someone's getting a hotfoot when he comes back

RK: And kayla, we are indeed from F-town. We then moved away. Weird, huh?

WV: Twins fans from the hinterland are an interesting phenomenon. Like native spanish speakers from Equatorial New Guinea.

BOTTOM 5TH

WV: Boy, the chances of us scoring more runs are pretty grim.

RK: So Bert bought a condo in Minneapolis, and Dick said "So you'll be around in January!" and Bert said, "No, a condo. We'll be here for the summer months." Does he have a different definition of condo that I don't know about?

WV: Maybe in Bert-speak condo means "tent".

WV: I sure do miss Dazzle when Jack Morris fills in. The craziness absent from the commentary makes the whole experience uncanny.

RK: LNP threw his helmet in disgust, but he was clearly out, so hopefully it was in self-loathing

RK: I think there's a poem about making the third out on the base paths: When running about / Don't make the third out / Or I'LL CUT YOU

TOP 6TH

RK: "Why celebrate it at a Twins game?" I'm not sure Jim likes his job

RK: Little Nicky Punto must have thought he was this guy:

WV: Our ace is delivering today

RK: There's a job waiting for him at Giovanni's post playing career.

RK: I think that pizza made me sad in the heart whenever I ate it

BOTTOM 6TH, STILL TIED AT 1

WV: Stacy, you and RK think alike.

WV: That, or the truth was just that evident. Kant would be jealous.

RK: Twas her comment made me think of the commercial. It's an organic, collaborated effort over here

WV: With Byrd, when does the term "off-speed" stop being a qualifier and become descriptive?

RK: Yeah, in this current context, you could call your first car "off-speed" right?

WV: And Kubel comes through yet again

RK: I've noticed I haven't seen any Kubel hate from a certain individual this season

WV: Yeah, neither have I. Strange.

RK: Justinthenickoftime will deliver
....
...
...

Later. He'll deliver later

TOP 7TH

RK: l, I'm with you. He could have just flitted and flown away, but he didn't. I hope he learned his lesson

RK: I CAN HAZ WEB JEM?

WV: That's not Bush League...that's Buscher League. <-----scrapes bucket

RK: I know things are getting tougher when you can't see the top of the bottom of the barrel

WV: 1,000 internets to the first person to google that reference.

BOTTOM 7TH, CAN SOMEBODY SCORE SOME RUNS FOR CRISSAKE!

RK: And kayla wins the internets and fan of the day, we have a soft spot for early 90s Bay Area punk here at PaB

WV: The great thing about living in the aforementioned Bay Area is that I finally get the geographical references.

RK: I felt that way about Beastie Boys songs after living in the New York City area a couple years

WV: Right, because indexicality is a prerequisite for the complete musical experience.

RK: If you believe in that authenticity claptrap... uh, wait, so yeah, Buscher is on second with Redmond hitting

RK: Maybe we shouldn't have returned our gaze to the game

WV: Somebody have RonDL send his hoverboard to Lamb.

TOP 8TH

RK: In comes Mexican Independence Day

WV: So, having been asked about our outfielder's arms, Gardy responds: ""Young has got a cannon," said manager Ron Gardenhire. "The kid in center can throw it. [Jason] Kubel doesn't throw too awful bad." Care to attack that last sentence?

RK: With some work experience as an editor, I'll allow it and chalk it up to Gardy's vernacular

WV: Right, he subscribes to the Woody Allen philosophy of negativity.

WV: I don't recall a time that we've discussed so little baseball, and that's an accomplishment.

RK: I'm seriously struggling today

BOTTOM 8TH

RK: Punto has a multi-hit game, and Jerry White's saying, "Now don't get yourself out."

WV: That or, "I don't see you much, what's your name again?"

zzzzzzzzz

RK: stacey, I do believe all you can eat seats > Gardy bobblehead

RK: "Walk him; you'll know where he's at." Bert is brilliant

WV: Will Morneau deliver later? We shall see.

[15 minutes later]

WV: I long for Torrid in these clutch situations.

RK: Heh, I still miss Johan more

WV: Just hold it one second, I'm still trying to work through Tyner leaving.

RK: Meh. Looks like we have some Death Metal coming our way.

TOP 9TH, MOST BORINGEST GAME EVEREST

WV: Wouldn't it just be wacky if the winner of this game executed with runners in scoring position?

RK: Gomez!!! Wow that woke me up

RK: #1 play

RK: Chinese restaurant opening near you soon

WV: It's ok; with Garko Auto Insurance you're protected against theft.

RK: l, I bet Gogo dancer will have #1 Web Gem and have #1 on Sports Center's top plays

WV: Well...this inning reintroduced "heart palpitation" into my vocabulary.

RK: Yeah, I'm up now.

BOTTOM 9TH

RK: Stacy, I did not know that Death Metal turned vegan. Let's hope he eats his rice and lentils and keeps his protein up

WV: Craig Monroe as a pinch hitter. Why not.

TOP 10TH

WV: Free extra inning blogging, feel free to send donations to....
At least you have Dick and Bert to entertain you. "Oh you got Dick on your shirt?"
2:00 PM
Yeah, this would be excruciating if I didn't have Dick and Bert
An effective bullpen, you don't say!
We'll account prior lapses to "hiccups"

BOTTOM 10TH

WV: All I have to contend with are Ron and Carol's My Local Hardware spots. And I will say, I do appreciate the delayed emphasis Gardy puts into bathroom caulk.

WV: Hardware Hank is not one to shy away from innuendo.

RK: I remember from my youth, my Dad being very enthusiastic about bathroom caulk. In a totally non-innuendous way

WV: Yeah, your Dad never barked at your Mom either. That I know of.

RK: Let's move away from this line of discussion

WV: My Kubel is terrible, huh?

RK: Wretched!

RK: I was talking about right now for when Mr Neau to deliver

WV:Sweet sweet nectar!

RK: That's how he rolls

POSTGAME

RK: Solid pitching is what we expect, and they delivered. The lack of offense is still discomfiting, but if we can get the ball tossed like this, I'm happy.

WV: Right, and this way there's no surprises.

RK: And for finding out/knowing our Operation Ivy reference, kayla is our fan of the game, throw her blog a link, won't you?

WV: You know it: Hi, This is a Twins Blog..

PREGAME

Short pregame, have to see how Wally Zerrrrbe'ack and the Cavs are doing against the Wiz (who could incidentally use some of their magical alchemy to come up with some better unis). Today it's Blackburn v. Westbrook, which by my accounts could phonetically pass for a dual at the O.K. Corral. In reality though, we've got two ground ball pitchers with questionable curve balls.

Addendum: Let's all give RK a pat on the back for finishing his Masters thesitation. That's right. I created a new word for that 120 page behemoth.

TOP 1ST

I LOVE inning-ending double plays, I do, but Punto's near-errant throw has me wondering if the Pear King put a curse on the Metrodome turf on his way out of town.

BOTTOM 1ST

Let the Garko puns commence!!

I can tell it's Mauer's birthday because karma is with him---that line shot did result in a force out at 2nd, but not a double play. I can feel it--good things are going to happen today.

I bet that when Waste Management decided to sponsor the "Clean Up hitter", they were betting there's be more line shots to the right field seats!!!!

Good things are going to happen today.

TOP 2ND

Donnie Garko puts aside the troubling visions of a large bunny rabbit to drop in a single and ruin Blackburn's no hitter.

Can I just repeat that I love inning-ending double plays? And that this Harris guy is OK? Casilla...who needs Casilla.

BOTTOM 2ND

Kubel, not exactly fleet of foot. I appreciate the single, however.

Mike Mendoza-Lamb is slowly but surely becoming dignified of the hyphenation. .146, now .160. .200 here we come!

Lamb, nick punto have no business getting on base with 2 outs and Gomez DEFINITELY has no business getting hits to the outfield. It's a bizarro world!!!

TOP 3RD, TWINS UP A FIELD GOAL

This parade of drives to the outfield has me a bit apprehensive...I'm sure it will be ok. Right???? RIGHT?????

Dlmon: The John Stockton of outfield assists. Let's get Cuddy back so that every hit to the outfield turns into a single.

It's nice to have big arms in the outfield, it's a shame that we've had to use them so frequently.

BOTTOM 3RD, TENUOUSLY STILL UP A FIELD GOAL

Mauer, karma is indeed with you---doubling your refreshment, doubling your fun. Singles are boring right? Break out the extra base stuff for the special occasions.

Good things are going to....Damn! Picked off of 3rd.

*Forget karma attribution

TOP 4TH

STACEY: Yeah, "consummated perfectly" makes it seem like it was a predestined outcome drawn up beforehand. And it's somewhat dirty, but I'll leave it at that.

I was wondering how long it would take Gordo to start using farm metaphors to describe Hafner. "Built like a mule, could pull down a house! I bet he bailed a lot of hay back in North Dakota!!". Yep, and he threshed wheat, covered wagons, participated in barn dances and chewed hayseed.

Not to mention struck out a lot.

BOTTOM 4TH

Strike 3 to LNP and so on and so forth.

TOP 5TH, TEAM WITH RACIALLY INSENSITIVE NICKNAME THAT PLAYS BY LAKE ERIE DOWN 3

1-6-3 inning ending double play!! Why, this is more desirable than a Good Eats marathon. And that is saying something.

Blackburn is settling into some kind of groove, and that's not good news for the team with a racially insensitive nickname that plays by Lake Erie.


TOP 6TH

Great glovework in left field is something I had come to miss while Hoverboard was out there the last two seasons. I'll forgive Dlmon's disappointing plate appearances if this keeps up...

BOTTOM 6TH

Not that I'm complaining, but all of these 1-2-3 innings leave much to be desired in the way of blogging.

7TH INNING

With the frequency that our pitchers put balls into play, not having good fielders would be like not having tornado insurance in the middle of Kansas.

LNP and Dlmon are the only ones without hits. What do you all think the over/under is on Dlmon getting it first? I know LNP will make me eat my words.

Toblerone at third, with some speed. Ultra speed at the plate....it would seem like an ideal situation for a squeeze right? Oh...ground out to second. If you all could see me, you'd know that I resembled a deflated balloon.

Squandering is the operative gerund for this stage of the game.

TOP 8TH

It's a shame that Blackburn is getting pulled, I was intrigued by the possibility of a shutout without a single 1-2-3 inning. It could've been Silva-esque. Admit it, you all miss the big guy a little bit, right??

The big guy is 3-0. btw. While that would be nice, it probably wouldn't do anything about our ass bat epidemic.

The Big Sweat does precisely what a lefty specialist is supposed to, and the collective shutout effort is intact.

BOTTOM 8TH, TWINS 3, NATIVE AMERICANS 0

Stacy: El goro y el flaco. I like it---the Twins are that much closer to officially being an over the top variety show on Univision. Reyes' appearance also could be compared to an episode of Sábado gigante. Am I right?

POSTGAME

This season's like a roller coaster baby baby, I wanna ride.

SHORT PREGAME

Not much to say, gotta pay attention to Good Eats tonight - Alton's teaching us how to make mac-n-cheese. Easy you say? Yeah, if you use a box, but I'm gonna do this like three the hard way.

One word will suffice: BOOOOOOOF

TOP 1ST

This recipe looks good, but I also see that an unearned run has crossed the plate. Who lost it in the lights? I want names!

BOTTOM 1ST, RAYS UP 1

I'm so making fried macaroni and cheese tomorrow.

TOP 2ND

Span? I can't believe it! OK I can.

Has Hinske always killed us, even when he was with Toronto? Or Boston? Who the hell has he played for?

Bonser... looks like a prairie dog who is popping out of his hole to say hey what's up guys.

Double play!

BOTTOM 2ND, TBR 2 MNT 0

How is Joe Va-va-vroom still hitting coach? I think Telly needs to Telly it like it is and say hey, maybe it's time for a new guy.

You wanted to win now, huh Dlmon? Try hitting a dinger.

I'm a big believer in you, Kubel Khan. Everybody looks ugly sometimes.

TOP 3RD, SAME

kayla, how does one kinda wear a shirt two days in a row? Like, only during game time? Otherwise, kinda gross, not gonna lie.

"That's what you want to do as a pitcher, one pitch one out." Bert, very insightful. Aah, the elusive 27-pitch perfect game.

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME OLD

Hey, a baserunner!



kayla, well yeah he was trying to make it up to me. I'm very influential out here in backwater Virginia.

"Bartlett bobbles it." Weird. Kidding, Pear King, that's a tough play.

Go[m]ez will steal in 5...4...3...2...1

But I'll take a hit from Toblerone instead, like a chocolate caramel toffee what the hell else is in those things?

Oh that hurts Joe. Much love, but that hurt.

TOP 4TH, RAYS OF TAMPA 2 TWINS OF MINNESOTA 1

In case anybody was wondering where the title of this post came from:



It's better than watching the game right now! People like Gomez, this is why the cutoff man was invented. You think Roberto Clemente needed a cutoff man? No, he didn't. I'm also 50 and your dad.

"One of those statistics you can't research or prove..." Dick, as a Political Scientist in training, I can say those are our favorite kinds!

An imaginary conversation:

RK: Boof, what's goin' on?

BB: I miss 2006

RK: Oh yeah? Why's that?

BB: That was back when my curveball curved, my breaking ball breaked, and I won a few games.

RK: I feel you. How do you get back to that level?

BB: I don't know

RK: I do. CRAWDADS.

Oh Bert, if they named the team where they played, you'd have the New Jersey Jets and Giants, and nobody wants that

BOTTOM 4TH, 3-1 ST. PETERSBURG

Hey! A double I didn't get to see because I had to see Kevin McHale be a terrible GM first!

Bartlett commits errors, Non-model guy (it's an anagram) gets RsBI. Fair trade!

Science people, I'm thinking about nickname Mike Lamb "lambda" somehow or another. What is lambda? I feel like I've used it in my methods classes, but that was like, oh a year ago, and I can't be expected to remember this stuff now.

TOP 5TH, RESIDENCE HALL R.A.s 3, COORS LIGHT TWINS 2

Well SARS is loosening up, that's good.

It's true Stacey, it's the way to go. Especially for guys like me in theory land who aren't all concerned about "methods" or "statistics" or "making sense"

Boof, you need to get off the mound and get into a bucket-o-crawdads.

He also really needs to do something with his hair. Looks like a toupee. Hat hair, I understand. Get off my back!

Aw hell, come on Span.

I was planning on putting the finishing touches on my thesis tonight but I may just do it now. This is ugly.

Oh my God everything is going wrong. It's like the Twins are a microcosm of my life.

Finally out of the inning.

BOTTOM 5TH, RAYS 4000, TWINS 2

One of my friend's moms is a Spamette down in Austin.

l, you are (presumably) brilliant! I did indeed go nuts. In fact, I took Kanye's advice and went ahead went nuts went apeshit.

Lambda: The set of logical axioms in the axiomatic method of logical deduction in first-order logic.

Between that and the Spartan shield, I think there's a lot of potential here.

It's almost like Mauer is playing Starfox 64 and Peppy Hare is giving him the sage advice to "Never give up! Trust your instincts!"

Dammit Dlmon, come on! I should know better by now.

TOP 6TH, 7 TO 3

l, for getting the Starfox reference, you get fan of the day. Which I just started. Right now. I love that game, and I barrel roll all the way through it.

Pickoff! Dare I hope for a comeback?

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME

Well I missed that.

TOP 7TH, SAME

This Matt Guerrier guy, we should hold on to him. Hold onto him? This often confuses me. You might think I'd be better in my native tongue.

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME SCORE

Sorry, I got to writing a few sentences and I missed it. But it looks like I didn't miss much! I heard "double play," so the earth continues to spin on its axis apparently.

TOP 8TH

Silly Rays, do not run on Joe. He'll mow you down like the Valentine's Day massacre. History!

Totally grasping at straws of good things here.

BOTTOM 8TH

The pitching coach was actually up there singing from the musical score to the HMS Pinafore

You have got to be kidding me. ANGER SALAD

TOP 9TH

l, I can tell you what I'm feeling about this game: barf.

Black Satan Death Bone must have released a new album to reinvigorate Neshek.

BOTTOM 9TH LET'S GO

Oh whatever.

POSTGAME

I like this idea of fan of the game on this here site, because, in a moment of sincerity, I like it. I need it. I thrive on it.

So to you, l, today's fan of the game: check out her site!

PREGAME

As many of you know, I (RK) am a graduate student at Virginia Tech. At the anniversary of those shootings that rocked our world, I have only to note this: I refuse to have my life interrupted by the media recreating the spectacle. Most people's experience with the shooting was seeing the media trucks everywhere and things being blocked off by police tape. That's been recreated and I don't think it's good for any of us. If any Hokies read this, live for 32.

But there's an increased police force, which is exactly the kind of stupid irrational thing that we don't need. Blacksburg is a safe town, we don't need guards at the doors of now infamous Norris Hall.

Finally, you may have heard snippets of Giovanni's poem, but I doubt you've seen the whole thing. Here it is, reprinted:

We are Virginia Tech. We are sad today and we will be sad for quite awhile. We are not moving on, we are embracing our mourning. We are Virginia Tech. We are strong enough to know when to cry and sad enough to know we must laugh again. We are Virginia Tech. We do not understand this tragedy. We know we did not deserve it but neither does a child in Africa dying of AIDS, but neither do the invisible children walking the night to avoid being captured by a rogue army. Neither does the baby elephant watching his community be devastated for ivory; neither does the Appalachian infant in the killed in the middle of the night in his crib in the home his father built with his own hands being run over by a boulder because the land was destabilized. No one deserves a tragedy. We are Virginia Tech. The Hokie Nation embraces our own with open heart and hands to those who offer their hearts and minds. We are strong and brave and innocent and unafraid. We are better than we think, not quite what we want to be. We are alive to the imagination and the possibility we will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears, through all this sadness. We are the Hokies. We will prevail, we will prevail. We are Virginia Tech.

Now play ball.

TOP 1ST

Bon Jovi is pitching well, but I'm still haunted by the specter of Ray-moan.

I'm just so happy to hear Bert's voice again.

See, you might be thinking, he's gonna say something about Evan Longoria being a desperate hitter, or Mr. Tony Parker, but I'm not gonna do it because that's just too easy.

SJ, I look forward to the battling of the boyfriends... er, well not quite, but you get my drift. Much love to you too.

BOTTOM 1ST

An impression of me from 15 seconds ago:

"Hooray Den- awwww."

Verbatim, son.

TOP 2ND

Oh snap! Telly is in the Metrodome Telly It Like It Is!

I have to remind myself to blog. I just get so lost in Bert's voice, it's like a... really soothing... thing.

Heehee, Joowan has a goatee - that has to be a fake, right? Like, his dad was shaving and he was all, "me too, dad!" and his dad mussed his hair up and said ok and then when he wasn't looking he glued the facial hair to his own face.

That story took a turn for the creepy there.

Stop walking people, Bon Jovi. I'd make a reference to a song, but remember Arrested Development? Remember how awesome that show was? And how they only made the "singer-songwriter" joke once about the son, George Michael? I feel that way about Bon Jovi.

Joseph Q. Mauer probably has stock in the Howitzer company, because he's got a cannon.

Bon Jovi has thrown 130 pitches, so that's awesome.

Stacey, in order:

1. what the hell is up with these 2 game series? what sense does that make?

Oh you know kids these days, their 2-second MTV attention deficit disorder whippersnappers. In my day, we had 19 game series played over the course of 3 days and we LIKED IT.

2. why drop the "devil" from devil rays? do they think this makes them better?

To make them family friendly, right? I mean, nobody likes to think of Devil. But maybe it's an even more complete overhaul. Instead of Devil or Sting Rays, which brings to mind memories of Steve Irwin - real baseball buzzkill there, Rays makes people think of sunshine rays, and then they're happy. Either way, the logo is hideous, no?

BOTTOM 2ND

RK: Morneau looks kinda confused, like "How in the hell did that not get out... eh?" He's Canadian, you see.

WV: Dlmon, trying too hard. Somebody free Jason Kubel from sucking so much.

RK: This will be a breakout year for the Rubik's Kubel. You heard it hear first, and if you can find a time I've ever said something factually inaccurate, then you should stop nosing around.

WV: Well, that was underwhelming.

RK: Seriously, that was like eating uncured ham cooked in lukewarm water.

TOP 3RD

WV: Both cases do produce symptoms consistent with salmonella poisoning.

RK: Oh Mike Lamb... what are we gonna do with your name? Suggestions anyone?

WV: I thought Carl Crawford was merely fast.

RK: I suppose that's gonna happen sometimes.

WV: If Rocket Bats or the Crainadian are pitching, it'll happen every 10 seconds.

RK: This is your mental exercise for getting ready for a long summer, isn't it?

WV: And how.

BOTTOM 3RD, THE ARTISTS FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE DEVIL RAYS 1 HOME TEAM 0

RK: Stacey, that is a crazy weird ballpark. Holy cow. The underwhelmedness continues

WV: And that's not going out on a Lamb

RK: You bastard.

WV: This Lamb guy is resisting a good nickname simply by being completely unremarkable. And the etymology of "lamb" is totally boring.

RK: You can only anagram it to "balm" which is stupid

WV: Well, you can get "bleak" out of the name, which is totally appropriate except for the lack of a suitable combination stemming from "Mim"

TOP 4TH, SAME SCORE

WV: You're missing Scott Erickson in the booth, it wouldn't shock me if he was still pitching for the Rays.

RK: Remember when the D-Rays were the team to go to when you had just a few more stats to get into the HOF?

WV: Right, the Fred McGriff/Wade Boggs routine. You know, I hear Bert needs a few more wins....

RK: He could probably get his 13

WV: That irregular blob you see on the horizon is Bon Jovi floating back to reality.

RK: He'll be on the phone with Raymoan tonight.

WV: I wasn't aware that other teams were alowed to hit into inning ending double plays as well.

BOTTOM 4TH, SAME

RK: laurel, that is freaky, visitors getting activated. Another heralding of the apocalypse. Speaking of, how apropos, t-1000 is next, and yes, you're right. I'm on board with you that Kubel can hit the damn ball.

WV: The only other thing sinking better than Shields' pitches are my hopes that we'll be competitive this year.

RK: You have your grumpy pants on today, huh?

WV: IF you wanna know the real deal about the 3....

RK: My faith in Kubel Khan does not go unrewarded. Beatsie Boys lyrics drops are my favorite

WV: Ok, I'll replace my grumpy pants with my somewhat resigned and fighting not to crack a smile pants.

RK: At least you're wearing pants

TOP 5, KNOTTED AT 2

WV: I think the new Rays park needs to activate visitors because the only other signs of life in the greater Tampa area, besides octogenarian retirees, are the robotic androids that bring them their medications.

RK: I want a French robot. It would say, "Je suis robot!" Give it away give it away give it away now

WV: Lucky us Carl Crawford is simmin in his ahhh-bilitay! At least somebody knows where to throw the ball

RK: That was beautiful.

BOTTOM 5TH, RAYS OF THE SUN 3, CLONES 2

RK: t-1000, word. laurel, you're absolutely correct, and you saying sock puppet makes me want to say hot pocket. What're you gonna pick? Hot pockets!

WV: Gomez could've crawled to 1st on that bunt.

RK: He has power to all fields; infield and sometimes outfield. See, Riggins knew better than to even try

WV: Can you do a suicide squeeze when the runner is on 2nd?

RK: With this guy you can

WV: MAUER PAUER... Hey, singles count for power these days.

RK: Sideburns to the XTREME

WV: Shields might get a bat thrown at him if he's not careful.

RK: Now Dlmon just shoots people smiles

WV: Oh Pear King... oh yeah!

RK: I have... conflicted feelings... must be reactivated!

RK: Are we officially done with the Kubel hating yet?

WV: I'm through with it.

TOP 6TH, REYES 3 GOOD GUYS 5

RK: laurel, I found myself wondering why Jefferson from Married with Children was in the booth. Telly has dropped the chin strap. Probably a good call

WV: Remember that summer when you talked me into growing one? That turned out bad.

RK: You really should know better than to listen to me by now - Oh for the love of Telly

WV: Frog puppet! I'd like to see Scott Erickson pull a blyleven.

RK: Blogging while eating a popsicle is hard!

WV: Your yearning for Rincon might be sated in the near future.

RK: This popsicle is sating me now

WV: Well then.

RK: How 'bout that error

BOTTOM 6TH, ALL TIED UP DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

WV: If any positive thoughts are needed, Cici gave up 9ER tonight for the Team with the racially insensitive nickname that plays on the shores of Lake Erie.

TOP 7TH, FIVE 2 FIVE

RK: Stacey, good call. I dig Kid Koala, but I haven't heard that group.

RK: Mexican Independence Day is looking alright though.

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME

WV is off to foster domestic tranquility, so you're stuck with just me again for the rest of the game. But to be honest, you might lost me soon too. I've been going to bed early because i'm on the final push of my thesis, getting it ready for its defense and whatnot. If this goes into extras, forgetaboutit

TOP 8TH

Joowan over here, looking like a pitcher! I type this, of course, 2 pitches before Hinske comes up

Doesn't that goatee make him look more virile? Ladies? Ladies?

BOTTOM 8TH

D'oh, a guy goes to take a quick shower and I miss the go-ahead! Ain't that always the way. Someone tell me what happened!

TOP 9TH, TAMPA 5 MINNESOTA 6

*rocking nervously back and forth watching Twitch'n'Pitch do his thing*

WHEW

POSTGAME

A Win's a Win, this I understand, but this wasn't one of those you feel all that great about. The bullpen looked better, I suppose, right? A haiku:

Twins are back on track?
More remains to be seen, I
Adore Reese's Puffs

PREGAME

I (RK) would like to take this very special opportunity to tell you about my weekend adventure: The Search for Don Sutton.



"I spy, with my little eye..."

So I went to the Nationals game last Saturday. But there was a rain delay:



"My love handles and I are sad!"

I was getting antsy:



"I can see FOREVER"

Then we heard HOF pitcher Don Sutton was a sportscaster for the Nats now after the Braves, and seeing as how we were like right next to the press box, we'd keep an eye out for him and if anybody else came out we'd yell and ask if we could meet Don Sutton:



Loyal reader TL and RK on the lookout for Senor Sutton

Nope, he's not over there - ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!!1!! there he is!



"It appears as though I have eaten my lips! This will make eating dippin' dots much more difficult!"

But he wasn't there either. And then the game started so we gave up. We did, however, find the coolest hot dog stand ever:



"Excuse me, we're looking for Senator Larry Craig"

We have no taste at all.

Let's hope that bullpen meltdown is out of their system for the rest of the season, right?Eeesh.

TOP 1ST

Speedy Go[m]ez hit a ball that was not a bunt single - could this be a new day? Probably not, but I'll take it.

Mosaic is being a little crotchety again; but I realize that if I don't click the OK box, then I can continue to watch the game. mlb.com, get your shit together.

I feel like I should expect more from our offense, but I can't quite bring myself to do so. I suppose 1 run isn't so bad in this situation here, right?

BOTTOM 1ST

Ha ha! Baker's half-dozen, I get it! Wait... how can one throw 6.5 innings? Oh, I see. It's Baker's 6 innings - if he goes beyond 6 he usually wins. Well yeah. Anyway, it's either funny and doesn't make sense or makes sense and isn't funny. And I just realized most of you aren't watching the same game I am.

Rick Anderson/Paul Newman is indeed one hell of a pitching coach.

All you can do is tip your hat to that. That pitch was at his ankles. Good work Mr. Cream.

TOP 2ND

Hm, what, did something happen?

BOTTOM 2ND, TIED AT 1

For as much crap as I've given Rocket Bats after he declared himself the ace of the team, he's not doing too bad. Getting around a leadoff walk and the ending DP? I'll take that.

Kayla, I felt the exact same thing. I was finishing up the paragraph in the book I'm reading and then I did and it was another inning break.

Horseradish mustard in chicken is exceptionally good.

TOP 3RD, SAME

Toblerone! Buddy, dude! Good work, son!

Global Warming comes through in a pinch again! Slump my ass! "Ooooh, Mauer's in a slump, he can't hit the ball anywhere he wants! Where's his power? Why isn't he at first base?" Psh

BOTTOM 3RD, TWINS 2 TIGERS 1

This is awesome! I have to refresh the game like every 5 minutes, so I get to do some guesswork - turns out Baker has Pudge 2-2. Whoops, there it goes again - let's see what happens!

Oh, it's 3-2. The suspense, it is killing me.

Lead-off walk. That's two walks now. Someone's gonna have to sleep with wet shoes on tonight.

I miss Bert. I miss Bert

Back to the contingency of language for a few minutes!

TOP 4TH, SAME

WV: Look at Mike Lamb and his deft glovework. Hey, whatever gets it done. Keep the eyebrows.

RK: This calls for an embedded video about Morneau making Circles in the Sand


RK: Well son of a...

WV: OK bullpen..now....let's not go all Viet Cong on us now

RK: Which, no matter what Rustad says, WAS a Communist organization

TOP 7TH, 4-2

RK: I suppose that I should divulge to our dear readers that I have a near encyclopedic knowledge of pop music from 1982-present. It's what I do instead of actually learning useful things

WV: And don't EVEN get RK started on the Aquabats.

RK: Loyal reader TL and I do an impressive a capella version of Darude's Sandstorm

WV: Wow, I'm just....speechless.

RK: I bet at this point Leyland just rolls up a whole tobacco leaf, puts it in his mouth and lights it on fire

BOTTOM 7TH

WV: I don't know that Baker can hold on for one more inning.

RK: But things'll go his way

RK: I must have missed a homer

RK: Jeezy creezy, mlb.tv

WV: It...looks like Baker is recovering.

RK: But Sars is available tonight, so hopefully he could hold

8TH, 4-3

WV: If they do come back and win this, at least it will have only been by 3 runs.

WV: And only 1 time.

RK: Precisely

RK: Throwing Error by the Crainadian, Barf

WV: In Canada, the ball throws you!

RK: What is going on with our bullpen?

WV: Jesus, I don't know.

WV: I'd expect the 5th or 6th highest paid team in baseball to execute like this, so I'm not surprised.

RK: True, but this is uncharacteristic

RK: I give up

WV: What is this the 14th home run of the night? Let's pull a Thomas Mann and revel in our decadence.

RK: I'm going to retreat to my Rortyan liberal irony

9TH INNING AND POSTGAME

WV: It's almost like, "even if they get this back, the bullpen will just blow it"

RK: Yeah, I'm not optimistic

People, I'm trying my damndest to get the game on, but Mosaic says it can't determine my location for blackout purposes, and mlb.tv says I'm logged in concurrently in more than one place.

I hope this is just a technical error and not that someone has hacked my account. Yikes.

Weekend....hot dogs.....baseball....tired.....comments...open post.

RK and I aren't worth much tonight, show us how it's done in the comments.

Recap later.

--WV and/or RK

PREGAME

People, as you may or may not know, I'm about 3 weeks away from being a MASTER OF ARTS at Virginia Tech, and to keep my sanity in the quaint little town of Blacksburg, I often escape to the District of Coloumbia (sorry Mark Penn!)

I'll probably have missed the cherry blossoms by that point, but two things:

1. Did you know that the only city with a higher concentration of cherry blossoms than DC is Newark NJ of all places? I used to live there too. I'll probably move to Japan soon.

2. I'm going to a Nats game. Because really, it's been too long since I've seen Cristian Guzman. Having friends who work in high-powered high-stress DC lobby/law/politics firms have access to good tickets. I can't say no.

So I'm not gonna be around really this weekend. Prepare yourselves for that eventuality now.

I was going to be all web 2.0 and post a youtube video of the excellent Air song "Cherry Blossom Girl," which is nice to listen to if you're painting or washing the dishes or making guacamole. The video is far too depressing, however, for the overall ethos of this here blog.

Oh look, WV is here! *whew*

WV: Rocket Bats tonight right

RK: We have the Peter Pan/Legolas love child versus John "Unfortunate name" Danks

WV: Nice thing about our supposedly solid division is that 3 and 5 only puts you 2 .5 out of first...behind the Royals.

RK: Small sample, early in the season, blah blah blah

WV: Don't you throw out statistical analysis at me. I'm only interested in the humanity of these players.

RK: There's no more heart anywhere in the Major Leagues now that D-Mohr is out

WV: Right. With the Lew Ford Experiment in Japan, there's been a jump in the heart factor across the pond.

RK: Also +160 magic in WoW

WV: Lew's been done a ginormous favor by being released from his contract in Minnesota.

RK: They eat that stuff up over there

QUESTIONS TO ANSWER THIS GAME:

1. Will Speedy Go[m]ez have a hit that is not a bunt/infield single?
2. Rocket Bats?
3. More than 7 hits in this game?

RK: I could so work at FSN

WV: You even have a mediocre blog to boot. Way to Telly how it is!

TOP 1ST

WV: Well, the answer to your first question is quickly becoming apparent.

RK: I missed Gomezeszes AB. What did he do?

WV: I wasn't paying attention

RK: But he certainly got himself the hell out!

WV: i guess it's irrelevant

RK: In the land of make-believe, there are runners on the corners with zero outs and a weird Oedipal vibe with Prince Tuesday and his parents

WV: Hahahaha

RK: It's 1-0 IN MY HEAD

WV: The Oedipal vibe never crossed my mind. Then again, if I were familiar with Freud as a 6 year old, that would be strange.

RK: Feels a little strange now

WV: Wouldn't it be neat if Dlmon hit a grd slm??

RK: Nothing would beat that Delmon's Dijonnaise

WV: If Denks walks Dlmon, Comiskey will resemble a group of Tibetans at a Olympic torch relay.

RK: What do they call the ball park now? US Cellular Field? I would still like to see Monroe do something with a bat, but up 2 isn't so bad

BOTTOM 1ST, GOOD GUYS 2 BAD GUYS 0 <-- obviously

WV: After striking out, Swisher felt an emptiness that would only be filled with pot, henceforth making him Nick Blunt.

RK: The best part about Cabrera with the Bitch Sox? The announcers don't call him the O.C. anymore. Is his chin hair blea---- TORII HUNTER WHAT?

WV: Oh my

RK: The best part about Cabrera with the Bitch Sox? The announcers don't call him the O.C. anymore. Nibbish, my thoughts exactly.

WV: #1 Web Gem! My soon to be opened baseball-themed Chinese restaurant

TOP 2ND, TC 2 CWS 0

WV: When the Twins signed Everett and Lamb, we neglected to cover it not because we were lazy but simply because there was nothing remarkable to report. Can I get an amen?

RK: Amen. How does raisin nut bran make their raisins covered with nuts and stay chewy and soft?

WV: With lots of love and care. A healthy dose of HUMANITY

RK: A computer doesn't spit them out?

BOTTOM SECOND

RK: These announcers are terrible like whoa... Scott retires the side and retreats back to Rivendell for a quick snack of lemnas holy crap I'm a dork

TOP 3RD

WV: If our reader's haven't abandoned us by now, they must find you endearing.

RK: We can only do so much with this on-air "talent"

WV: Right, meanwhile I'm saddled with Gordo and Dazzle in a competition for best face for radio.

RK: You people in Minnesota don't know how good you have it with Dick and Bert

WV: This Harris guy might be alright. The Twins path to success will never be free agents but screwing over unsuspecting GMs. Matt Garza, meanwhile, is on the DL with a "hurt nerve" in his pitching arm.

RK: Hurt nerve? Really?

WV: Right. Also known as, "excuse for why I've given up 8ER in 8IP" And in case you're wondering, Barlett is in a competition with Everett for who can hit closer to .000

RK: But I do miss the Pear King. Kid swung from his heels. "They're just... opposite field... killing." What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

WV: It's like Bert's stream of consciousness only not funny.

RK: These guys sound like a well-rested Ned Flanders

WV: Aaaaand, Denks turned into Sandy Koufax.

RK: And question number 2 is answered. 7 hits

WV: ... Or not. You should ask more questions.

RK: When will I get with two hot ladies at once?

WV: And I thought playing Kubel against lefties was a no no.

RK: The Rubik's Kubel has become self-aware and solved himself

WV: Monroe is such a threat at the plate that they're leaving this train wreck in the game.

RK: A grand slam would generate some good will

WV: But the Monroe Doctrine was all about creating bad will with European nations.

RK: And in this case, the White Sox faithful

WV: Well, bringing this back to your research, this is some kind of parallax.

RK: Oh what isn't

WV: Touché--you've figured out the secret to grad school success. Black box theories, my friend.

RK: Mike is on the lam[b]! Huh, I don't feel good about that one

WV: I've been trying to fit that one in all season

RK: Question 1 has been resolved

WV: What's left?

RK: Scott Baker? So far, so good there

WV: And O.C. almost threw it into The Hills

BOTTOM 3RD, TWINS 7 BITCH SOX 0

RK: The home run call from these guys is so ingratiating, it's no wonder nobody likes the Sox in Chicago. These home runs "have really counted?" A home run counts the same regardless of when it's hit, right?

WV: The worst part is that they gave them contract extensions last summer.

RK: The final question is still tentatively on the right track.

TOP 4TH, THE FABULOUS BAKER BOYS 7, THAT OTHER CHICAGO TEAM 1

WV is on a burrito run, which I totally understand. Juan Uribe - what's he doing there again?

This must all be part of the teams every other inning is a big inning plan

At least nobody's missing anything

BOTTOM 4TH, SCORE SAMES

It must be nice to work with run support, right Rocket Bats? All of sudden, those gopherballs don't look so bad

TOP 5TH, WIN TWINS! 7 SUX 2

WV: Miss anything good?

RK: Baker getting a little lazy, but nah

WV: Solid

RK: I refuse to use the announcer's name that rhymes with "balk" but it's giving me a headache

WV: It's like avoiding the sun while walking outside at noon

RK: Remember how if you block out certain parts of the o in "Sox" it comes out Sax, Sex, or Sux? 7th grade ruled

BOTTOM 5TH, SAME

RK: I don't like Rocket Bats giving all this lead back

WV: This is like Speed 2: Cruise Control. Just when you think everything's OK...

RK: Jason Patric!

WV: Good thing Sandra Bullock attends the Sheryl Crow School of Public Eye Disappearance

RK: Ha!

WV: I don't have video, but I bet everything that Gardy is doing his "Sulking in the corner of the dugout pretending to put out cigarette butts" routine. Nibbish, he's looking at about a run an inning... sorta consistent, right?

RK: Cabrera is wearing a kerchief, next at-bat, he'll be sporting a dickey

WV: Lamb was confused that a ball was hit on the ground and not into the right field seats

RK: Mike Lamb: In Russia, ball grounds you!

WV: Baker's performance tonight is akin to repeatedly tripping on one's own shadow. In other words, it's a Derridean metaphor for autobiogrpahy

RK: I need to read more of his stuff

TOP 6TH, 7 to 3

RK:"Duck fart double" - there's hope yet

WV: Hahahahha. No way

RK: B'lieve it.What does that even mean? Like, the hit doesn't have an echo

WV: We'll have to get Bert Blyleven, Public Safey P.I. on the case.

RK: I miss him when he's gone

WV: One of the few positives of this season is that they've kept those ads, and I guess Gardy and Carol's hardware store spot too. Little known fact: she refers to him as Gardy. Ruff!

RK: Sometimes... The Gimp. Who hates Kubel? Not I, Caesar

WV: The object is in itself and aligned with absolute Spirit

RK: Synthesis reached

WV: Indeed, if it were not for Jason Kubel and now Mike Lamb, the subject-object problematic of Kantian metaphysics would still be a condition of Being.

BOTTOM 6TH, TWINS TURN IT UP TO 12, WS 3

WV: Would that be a "moose fart" double then. The Brian Bass major league baseball trial is nearly up.

RK: I'd rather see Eyre'n Go Bragh!

WV: Well, at this rate, one run an inning, we'll still win

TOP 7TH, 12-4

WV: So the Tigers are one out away from a win. Big whup, wanna fight about it?

RK: What one win? We've got a few of those

WV: We'll soon have FOUR times as many

RK: We may match our offensive output for the season thusfar in this one game

BOTTOM 7TH, SAME SCORE

RK: Billy Bass: Workmanlike

WV: Players who have a noun in their name make finding a moniker especially difficult on the side of creativity.

TOP 8TH, SAME OLD SHOW

RK: I always kinda feel bad for saying this, but these blowouts get to a point where I just want the game to be over quickly

BOTTOM OF THE 8TH, ISN'T IT CRAIG MONROE?

WV: Well at the rate the umps are calling strikes we should be out of here in about 10 minutes

RK: Definitely an 8-run lead strike zone. I used to have that when I umped high school

WV: Except you kept it regardless of the score right?

RK: Oh yeah, I just wanted my hundred bucks

WV: Brian Bass is now Nabbin' Sars

RK: Let me put on my medical mask

TOP 9TH, FIVE DOLLAR FOOT LOOOOOOONG

RK: I have to give proper respect; Hawk thinks Bert oughta be in the Hall, and he's absolutely right

WV: Hawk seems to have been consistent on that front. A broken clock is right twice a day I suppose.

RK: We might be seeing more of Nick Punto in the very near future

WV: For better or worse

RK: Punto is in, and there is still no tilde over the n in piranhas. I can sorta hear some hecklers ribbing Speedy Go[m]ez

WV: In these kind of games you have to search the entertainment out yourself.

RK: Ah, the halcyon days of Latroy

BOTTOM 9TH, DENOUEMENT

That was nice

POSTGAME

See, if the Twins just answer my questions, like hitting the ball and pitching well, they win games. Now I'm no John Madden, but it's good to know that if grad school doesn't work out, I'm so going to work for FSN North. They'd be lucky to have me.

I'm off to watch this hellacious looking Cubbies/Bucs game. What a grinder!

PREGAME

If we're going by the career ERA of today's starting pitchers, the Twin are expected to lose 4.77 to 4.62. Pythagorean this Pecota that, this season has to be about exceeding expected outcomes.

So: BOOOOOOOOOOOOF!

Don't suck.

TOP 1ST

First and foremost, it's Bert's birthday. And golly do I want that baseball cake hat that he's wearing.

"Win one for me Boof. Come on BOOOOF". Seriously Boof, are you going to let Bert down? It's totally justified to include Bert's birthday in the scouting report. Really, Boof's going to need some kind of magical temporal alchemy to avoid those requisite 4.77 runs.

I've been imagining Trey Hillman to resemble Sean Penn in Fast Times At Ridgemont High. It's a real disappointment that he's closer to Tom Selleck.

BOTTOM 1ST

"Gardy likes calling him [Tolbert] a humming bird"----Somebody's jealous of Ozzie Guillen. Rather than biting at your ankles and consuming human flesh, this group of weak hitting scrappers sucks nectar and flies backwards.

Dick might think that Buck was looking up at Mauer to see if he was stealing signs. I think he's entranced by his boyish, GQ-worthy good looks.

One of these 6,000 pitches, Mauer is going to get a hold of one and smash it right at the 2nd baseman.

TOP 2ND

Dick, of course, can't at all understand why Dlmon's former team would've referenced "Devils" in the first place. Gentle Dick has always been in favor of: "The Sun Rays". Or, "The Jesus Rays". Or better: "The Teletubby Rays".

Well Boof, if you're going to depend on Dlmon getting all of your outs for you on outfield assists, the Royals might score triple digits. It's a funny thing how these professional hitters can hit straight, slow fastballs all over the place.

BOTTOM 2ND, Ciudad de Kansas 2, Reino de los Assbats 0

Bert seems noticeably upset that instead of long underwear Dick merely gave him a stinkin' Twins stocking cap. No real point to this comment, except that I have to jump at every chance I get to discuss Bert's undergarments. These moments are curiously frequent.

Despite Leodenardo's best efforts to bring Harris home with his bo staff, we remain scoreless.

TOP 3RD, Kaufmann Krunkers 2, HHH Hurlers 0

I can tell this is a new, svelte version of Boof because they're not running oxygen out to him after sprinting to 1st. That's good news, as he'll need to be fleet of foot when he's running to catch the team bus in Rochester.

BOTTOM 3RD, KC 2, MN 0

Young Skywalker, stretching bloop singles into doubles is a move shadowed by the Dark Side. The force is with you, young Skywalker, but you are not a Jedi yet.

Hanging sliders over the plate? Check. Morneau striking out nonetheless? Check and double check.

TOP 4TH, MORE OF THE SAME

Bert, as far as I'm concerned, yours is the only birthday that matters to me. But since you're wondering, other celebrities blowing out candles on April the 6th:

John Ratzenberger, of Cheers and "Most Annoying Commercials That Occur To You" fame.
Merle Haggard, of "Kissing My Baby With My Fist" fame.
Candace Cameron, of Full House and "Not The One Who Does Coke" fame.

Meanwhile, in a shot to center that Torii probably would've caught, Speedy Go[me]ez decides to try and drop kick the baggy instead of getting the ball.

BOTTOM 4TH

The sun is shining, the Earth is rotating, Toby Keith is exploiting patriotism and, oh yeah, the Twins also just hit into an inning-ending double play.

TOP 5TH

For all my badmouthing of Boof earlier, he has settled down nicely. Now we just need some runs....

BOTTOM 5TH

The wind is blowing, the Pacific Ocean has water, Jessica Simpson is getting botox and, oh right, the Twins just hit into another inning-ending double play.

TOP 6TH

On Facebook I've listed baseball as my religious view, so it'd be nice if baseball games weren't actually as dull as a church service.

BOTTOM 6TH

OK Bert, on this, the day of your birth, I will resist disseminating any and all unauthorized accounts of this MLB game.

SWEET SWEET SUNSHINE!!!!!!! Mr. Mahay, meet the formidable barrel of Dr. Neau's big stick.

TOP 7TH, LOS REALES 2, LOS MELLIZOS 1

This might as well be a football game because if they score another run it'll seem like 7. I thought pitching was supposed to be our problem this year. Randerson is overrated, Vavra is underrated, and together we're mediocre.

Insurmountable deficit, check. But I'll take 7 innings and 3ER from Bonser every time.

BOTTOM 7TH, KC 3, MN 1

Kayla: Having been catholic once upon a time, I'm programmed to interpret most things as punishment. Take Gathright's crashing catch of Kubel's drive into the gap, for instance. That's likely God's retribution for my having dumped bacon grease down the drain this morning.

Let me know when the Twins hitters get out of bed and arrive at the ballpark.

TOP 8TH

And in comes the Crainadian, and I gotta say that the mid-90's fastball is an encouraging sign.

His control seems to be better as well, and apparently according to Bert the ball is "coming out of his hand nicely". If I were throwing it they'd say, "looks like the ball is going the opposite direction of his arm".

But trust me: I'd let my arm catch up to the ball. And I'd battle my tail off. And I'd be scrappy.

BOTTOM 8TH, BETTER SCORE SOON

Leo Nuñez looks to be about 10 years old. He's like one of those punk 5th graders that makes ignorant redneck adults look stupid on that one gameshow with Jeff Foxworthy. Actually, they don't make them look stupid, they simply provide people a forum for their true colors to come through.

I hate to be so negative on Bert's birthday, so I will say that Toblerone's double reinforces the chances that Nicky Punto will remain on the bench for the time being.

Kayla: Ooh yeah, that's the big one. One of dem der mortal slip ups. I'm just saving up so that the next time I go to confession I can just say "all of them".

Well that's that.

TOP 9TH

The Big No Sweat comes in and takes care of business. Everyone now do your best rain dance and ask whatever deity it is that you pray to for some runs.

BOTTOM 9TH

Let's get these kinds of games out of our system in April. But still.....the Royals?

POSTGAME

Happy Birthday Bert:

Both MLB.TV and MLB Extra Innings cling steadfastly to their draconian "no TV for you on Saturday before a certain time" policy. Thus RK and I are gameless, but not all of you will be so feel free to comment here or in the Chat Box. Bon Jovi will be chucking the leather for our side, while Gilgamesh will defy pitching for the Royals and try to live up to his ridiculous-but-not-so-ridiculous-seeming-anymore contract.




I like our chances.

NB
Blogger is stupid. Put this together in your heads with the post below

TOP 6TH

Apparently Telly was on to our linking to his blog (Go Here) because tonight's post was magically deleted. The pregame was redeemable through Technorati caches, however. In any case, RK had to go attend to domestic tranquility, so you are all stuck with me here on out.

Telly, I'm onto your bag of tricks. Like ending every blog post with an exclamation point. Should've patented that shit buddy...

If Rocket Bats keeps pitching like this I might have to...shiver...refer to him as our staff ace.

Any more shots to the mask like that one, Joe, and those SI covers will disappear quicker than my tax refund just did (on salt water taffy, expensive books for next semester, and a tank of gas, incidentally).

RK dislikes anagram machines, adopting the DIY punk aesthetic, but I can't resist searching for Mark Grudzielanek. To wit:

Amaze Drunk Leg Irk
Glazed Arm Nuke Irk
Grazed Real Kink Mu

Oh, and nice inning ending double play.

BOTTOM 6TH, Mellizos 4, Reales 3

On the Lamb: Decent Batting Averages.

John Bale, just another former Japanese Player once traded for Gary Mathews, Jr. to settle down and take care of the Twins' assbats. Project: Bunt more.

TOP 7TH, TEAM OF 10,000 LAKES 4, TEAM OF...THE SEE STATE 3

DEATH METAL!!! And in honor of Rocket Bats battling back from a rough start, I proclaim the doughy faced boy scout Scotty to be one step closer to a hairy mammal really good at basketball:


In good news, Ian Kennedy, that essential but missing piece in the Johan trade discussions, got slapped around by Tampa today. And Boston also lost. And Detroit is still winless. Hey, 1 and 3 doesn't seem so horrible does it?

TOP 8TH, BIFURCATED UTERI 4, MONARCHICAL SOVEREIGNS 3

As long as Jimmy Gobble is around the Royals will never have turned a corner, regardless of their record. You all watch.

With Gomez on 2nd, a dribbler to short oughta get him in.

And, if small sample sizes get you going, Jacob Ellsbury is comparatively hitting .183 thus far. But size doesn't matter right?

And, finally, a LaTroy Hawkins daily update: 0.2 IP 6 H 6 R 6ER 0BB 0K 1HR 31.50ERA

"Wrong Side of 30" theory looking good....

I maintain that Jimmy Gobble is a harbinger of baseball ineptitude.....

BOTTOM 8TH

Death Metal: Exit light, enter night.

TOP 9TH

WHAT! It's the 9th inning and we have a lead...why this is like having a grilled stuft burrito after a long dry spell.

We signed Monroe because...

BOTTOM 9TH

Twitch n' Pitch doesn't get to enjoy these pressure-packed save situation too often these days, so he couldn't just come in and go 1-2-3.

Ya see! Ya see!

POSTGAME

I'm a tad ashamed to be professing unbridled excitement at having beat the Royals, but they were undefeated and the win was, as they say, textbook Twins.

PREGAME

Here's the thing:

1. Congratulations to the J (of SJ fame) family, on their recent addition. See what happens when you come here a lot? We take a personal interest. It also helps that we had lockers next to each other and SJ gave me coke and Oreos like whoa. Anyway, Mazel Tov to you and yours, SJ
2. It's a weekend, so you're not here reading anyway, right? If you are, I have a question to ask you about Schopenhauer's cat
3. We're gonna half-ass posts as long as the team decides to half-ass-bat (what?). I'm heading out at some point anyway to boogie. We're bringing that word back, people. Boogie boogie boogie.

TOP 1ST

RK: Good to see Rocket Bats still looks like the love child of Peter Pan and Legolas

WV: I'm just happy that one of our cool nicknames is still on the team

RK: Grudzielanek would be a hard name to anagram

WV: I really feel like I've lost track of how many Guillens there are in the league

RK: According to Joe Morgan they're all either Guillen or Rodriguez. And that the Twins play in Montreal

WV: Break out the Kansas City Royals y'all

RK: Ooof, rookie mistake by Tolbert

RK: Remember 2003 when the Royals started something like 13-0? I'm just drawing attention away from the fact that Baker has thrown 30 pitches

WV: Brian Bass, this year's Eyre'n Go Bragh!, will be getting lose shortly. I mean loose

RK: Well, six of one...

WV: I wonder if Billy is the cokeheard of the Butlers like Billy Baldwin is

RK: How many Butlers are there? All I know is Judith, and I doubt there's a relation

WV: Dear Toblerone, that second run is all on you. All of it. Gender Trouble...shiver

BOTTOM 1ST KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS 2 NATURE'S CLONES 0

RK: Turnabout is fair play, I suppose. I'm just glad we have a CF who doesn't hit homeruns or much of anything

WV: If Gomez doesn't work out we've got like 8 more who do the same thing in the minors.

RK: But a run's a run

WV: I think it's time for Justin to move back in with Joe

RK: Not only would it fulfill the fantasies of the Twins gay community, but when they did, Justin was good

WV: Oh you so went there

TOP 2ND KC 2 TC 1

WV: The good news, we won't have to update praise 'em/bury 'em for the forseeable future

RK: Word to hair mousse

WV: If we're going to be a below average team it's a shame we at least don't have an entertaining train wreck of a manager like Ozzie Guillen

RK: My former boy came through for the Bitch Sox today

WV: I saw that. In other news, Rocket Bats is laboring.

RK: Yeah, that's news like a verbal gaffe from a poiltician

WV: The motto of this season ought to be differánce, as our marked suckiness is accentuated by a contrast with the last few years and the potential for improvement will always be deferred and out of reach.

RK: It's like the promise of progress in the Dialectic of Enlightenment

WV: We could rework the theory, being the Enemies of Promise and all.

RK: And incorporate the parallax view of the minimal difference between reality and the ghosts of a future lost

WV: Forging ahead with Adorno, you could really conceptualize the difference between magical and scientific culture as the same difference of opinion between ancient scribes and vorpies.
Just saying.

RK: Yeah, if you had some extra time on a Sunday morning

WV: The ghosts of a future lost. I like it.

RK: It's not mine; it's the name of a Clint Mansell/Kronos Quartet track on the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack

WV: I thought the culture industry was supposed to lull us into a passive and blase attitude. This particular kind of culture the Twins are offering up is getting me bloody heart a pumpin'.

RK: But keep in mind the divisions of the fields of production. The culture of capitalizing on potential is doing exactly what it's supposed to do

WV: Right as you said that Gordo went off on Gardy making the team do fundamentals before every game. Zeitgeist!!

RK: Finger on the pulse

BOTTOM 2ND, BOOK ROYALTIES 3 HEY AT LEAST THEY'RE NOT THE TIMBERWOLVES 1

RK: Well, it can't hurt any more than the game: Telly it like it is

TOP 3RD, SAME

WV: Gardy's Ace Hardware spot has really lost a beat without him barking at Carol.

RK: He needs to jingle some handcuffs or something

WV: Shopping for brooms to pun on the verb "to sweep"? Prosaic.

RK: Pedestrian

WV: The safety phrase is "tails off"

RK: Not that we would know anything about that

WV: I wasn't aware how miserable Telly's blog really was.

RK: It's execrable. But we're helping out. If you google "Telly Hughes" blog, we're the third link

WV: Minnesota Twins Rebuilding!! Rocketbats is true to form!! Nobody reads my blog!!!

RK: Not on Friday anyway. Bert just called Dick "daddy." Add it to the list of why we do this

BOTTOM 3RD, SAME

RK: The 2007 Twins are like the 2001 Twins, except without all that pesky initial success to worry about

WV: Gotta keep down the hypertension.

WV: Well, since the Twins are totally unremarkable, I'll relay to you a story. I'm in a class on autobiography, and they ask if anyone has a blog. I say yes, and then the secret is out amongst my colleagues of the existence of PAB. We own up to our online personas right? Do we have "personas"? This is pretty much how we really are, if anybody has ever wondered

RK: Yeah, if people have versions of us in their heads that are different than this, i.e. redeemable - sorry to disappoint

WV: Before I get excited about these back to back hits, I'm going to wait and see if Justine has turned back into Justin.

RK: HAAAAAAIL THE SUNSHINE - Ah hell, Dimples is injured

WV: BASEBALL! Dislocated finger, Dazzle is sayin'.

RK: But Kubel is in and scores. Kayla, why is Telly scary? He looks like a be-chin strapped cuddlebear to me

WV: Not to, uh, Gload.

RK: Wow

TOP 4TH ALL TIED UP, DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, NEXT THING YOU TURN AROUND AND FIND THE PERSON IS YOU

RK: Do you suppose there are Kubel jerseys available for purchase?

WV: I would imagine so. In other news, Rocket Bats' pitch count is approaching the number of bacteria that can fit on a pencil's eraser

RK: But question for you and our readers: how many angels can fit on the head of a pin?

BOTTOM 4TH: KNOTTED

WV: For further entertainment, you don't even have to search for "telly hughes blog". Shit, we're the 6th entry just by typing "telly hughes"

RK: I guarantee you Neshek calls Mike Lamb "Lamb of God"

WV: I wish he would get the hell with it and grow some sideburns so we could call him Lamb Chops

RK: Dangerous though: not too long till we start calling him Shari Lewis. Kayla, I think you should give Telly a chance. He used to live in Georgia, and Georgians are nice

WV: I rather miss Bert. Any gems this evening?

RK: He called Dick his daddy

WV: Nice

RK: Bert just said, "you have a speedy Gomez at first..." be still my heart. I so badly want to believe he reads this

WV: If I were as fast as Gomez, I'd dress up in a sombrero, white suit, red ascot and give my cousin Slowpoke shit for being drunk all the time.

TOP 5TH: LOS ROYALES DE CIUDAD KANSAS 3 WIN TWINS! 4

RK: Exactly, dburg! That's the exact right answer!

WV:

RK and I are busy today being summoned by the suits for rank and file busy work. Rank and file workers, but not rank and file minds. So if you too are stuck in a cubicle, let your mental freak flag fly by leaving comments in the Chat Box or in the comments of this post.

-WV

Pregame

RK: Nikolai Blackburn (I don't know his first name so I can make one up) sounds like a Russian mystic

WV: Ah yes. Up there with my other favorite mystic, Dionysius the Areopagite

WV: In any case, he apparently shops at the Joe Mauer Sideburn Emporium

RK: I shop at the Beck Wispy-Eighth-Grade Olde Tymey Sideburn Shoppe

WV: I'd grow a pair of mutton chops myself but in my quest to become a carbon copy of my father i've had to settle for a porn star mustache and nothing else

RK:I have a soul patch so my students think I'm hip. I think what we've learned here is that facial hair is like baseball. Somehow. Huh. Apparently life isn't an episode of Scrubs

RK: It should be noted that LAAAAAAAAAAAA pitcher Joe Saunders is a Hokie

WV: It should be dually noted that this Telly character seems frightfully out of place. I will miss Bert's awkward flirting with Marnie.

RK: Also, Telly Hughes has a blog, and it's so bad I don't want to link to it

WV: I think Marnie's still around - doing something. But every network benefits from having their own Erin Andrews to make things awkward

RK: Let's hope for a good outing from our young pitcher tonight - we've got to keep up with the Royales with Cheese!

TOP 1ST

WV: Inexperience is taking its Tolbert

RK: Uh Dick, it's Tol-bear, a la Stephen

WV: I propose a running Tolbert joke tonight. When driving to Chicago, Dick looks over and asks, "Toll, Bert?"

WV: Redact: Inexperience is taking its toll, Bert

RK: Well the whole point of this blog is to extol Bert

RK: "In the crotch area was the second sign." Pretty sure that's in the book of revelation... or in my 7th grade human sexuality class. I'm an adult, right?

RK: That play to end the inning made me hungry for a famous Spanish candy, Tolbertone

WV: This game has Ryan Garko potential.

BOTTOM 1ST

WV: Speedy Go[m]ez could hit .400 just by bunting.

WV: And, uh, strike out the other 60% of the time.

RK: You tell your statistics to shut up!

RK: I think it's time for Dimples to go yard

RK: ...or at least swing at every pitch

TOP 2ND

RK: Torii falls behind 0-2. Also, the sun rose in the east today

WV: Like the Steel Curtain, BlAAAckburn seems efficient

RK: The Steel Curtain rules with an Iron Fist!

WV: Dimples, my goodness, my heart had forgotten the palpitations which you are fond of causing

RK: He is a magician after all

WV: I'll be right back after my triple angioplasty

BOTTOM 2ND

RK: Oh Dr. Neau, what is a boy to think?

WV: Meh.

RK: At least the game's going quickly, right?

WV: This is the equivalent of a blogging dead zone

TOP 3RD

RK: The Doldrums, right? Unfortunately, they don't. I was hoping to get the "IT'S ABOUT. DOING. WHAT IT TAKES. TO WIN.'

WV: After the HGH bruhaha they put the kibosh on that rhetoric

RK: A couple more years, and his sideburns are gonna be there

WV: The notion of letting your arm catch up to your body would be one of those difficult to translate phrases to an extra-terrestrial being

RK: Right, like... staying inside the ball

RK: The phrase "Put it on the boooooard... yes!" would start an intergalactic war

WV: When has Matthews been an asset at the plate?

RK: "Well we know Punto can do some things defensively"

WV: Apparently Koskie was hanging out before the game, let's suit him up. Post-concussion syndrome has to be more in the neighborhood of a .240 batting average

RK: I really hope he turns out alright, in a rare moment of seriousness

WV: Agreed. You know how when you break up with someone you're entitled to a post-relationship roll in the hay? I don't see why Torii couldn't bat DH for us tonight.

RK: I always though they were entitled to a restraining order. I've been lied to!

WV: I swear I saw whimpering after Rincon drilled him last night.

BOTTOM 3RD

RK: Whenever Bert has to say more than 2 sentences it sounds like a stream of consciousness: "Torii back here, a lot of hugs, welcome back Torii, emotions, chicken nuggets, red, a guy I know named Earl"

WV: Inexperience is taking its toll, again, Bert

RK: We could use some quality control, Bert

TOP 4TH

WV: "Billy Butler....I don't know who he is...and boom goes the dynamite!"

RK: Telly is terrible. I mean, I hope he turns it around - but this is not a good start for him

WV: He's providing more entertainment than the actual team.

RK: I'm just going to go ahead and send Boof a link to the Rochester Craig's List apartment listings.

BOTTOM 4TH

RK: Alert: Latroy Hawkins coming in for the Yankees

WV: .....

WV: Uh...BASEBALL!!!

RK: Oh, this isn't a game of catch between the pitcher and 1B?

WV: From here on out, Speedy runs on the first pitch, before we have a chance to GIDP

RK: This is our offensive strategy - get on base via errors

WV: I detected some malice in Dick's voice in announcing Joe Vavra's visit

RK: Do you suppose he gets good service in restaurants downtown?

WV: Nah, he seems like the type that would passive aggressively squint his eyes but still slightly smile when the waiter finally brought him his check.

RK: What? No, that's Jon Voigt

TOP 5TH

RK: There's no such person as ... so and so Vavraarvrarva. He's researching a role

WV: His name is actually the name of a Sigur Ros album

WV: Dr. Neau can't hit for shit but hey..a web gem.

RK: That was like a goalie! (isn't that what we have to say every time a Canadian does anything?)

WV: Yes. Our new strategy is to throw everything underhanded. We're paying homage to Ollie from Hoosiers.

BOTTOM 5TH, SCORE KNOTTED AT THE ONLY NUMBER FOR WHICH THERE IS NO YEAR

WV: I'm a little nervous here, Telly's a little far from the teleprompter standing with the fans.

WV: And great, they're going to award lottery tickets to a couple of 16 year olds.

RK: They're really gonna be embarrassed when an infant wins the 60 gallon keg

WV: We brought in Monroe to hit lefties correct? I'm not a stat hound, and it's possible that this whole righty-lefty split stat might be too high brow for me, but something's fishy here.

RK: He better battle the hell off of his tail

TOP 6TH, NEITHER TEAM HAS TOUCHED THE SLIGHTLY FLEXIBLE PLASTIC PENTAGON

WV: Torii wouldn't have swung at the first pitch would he?

RK: Smart money says he's due to take a pitch at some point here

WV: Now he'll be a hotheaded punk and do one of his walking before the pitch is thrown steals

RK: Swear to god we're being predictive here

BOTTOM 6TH, EMPATADO A CERO

WV: Uh oh Dick's got a beef.

RK: And I'm thinking, steroids, Nick Punto's batting average, gas prices. Nope, the Oakland A's locker room in Japan.

WV: In other news, he's also pissed that Cookie Crisp switched from oats to corn.

RK: Well g'night folks

RK: A hit from Punto

WV: LOL. Oh Bert, "one ringy dingy"

RK: Isn't that a Little Debbie treat?

RK: "Why catchers should wear cups." Well, obviously

TOP 7TH, 0-0. I GOT NOTHIN'

RK: Well.... at least the game's going quickly

WV: Hey Dick, want to go back and discuss how much of the pitcher's success is attributable to Redmond

RK: That's just a bad break

WV: Indeed. Well, it'll be a shame if he takes a loss.

RK: But the way it's going...

BOTTOM 7TH, ANGELITOS 1, GEMELOS NADA

ANGER SALAD

TOP 8TH, OH NO, WE SUCK AGAIN

WV: Walking to get to Torii Hunter. I like it.

RK: Let's him know just what we think of him

WV: Well...at least he didn't get an RBI. Take that!

RK: Time for the Sampler Platter

WV: The Big Sweat, if you will. I'm sticking with Sampler.

WV: Big No Sweat is more like it!

BOTTOM 8TH

RK: Great, my sound went out

WV: In this game that's some kind of punishment.

RK: I'll just assume I know what they're saying

WV: You missed Telly sounding surprisingly lucid

RK: Now I know how Helen Keller felt. Sort of

RK: DP. I could swear it's 2007 all over again

WV: You didn't need sound to decipher the "fuck yeah" coming from Saunder's potty mouth

RK: 1-0, it's like a game from 1974

TOP 9TH, SORT OF ASS BATS 1, FULL FLEDGED ASS BATS 0

WV: Wow. We should get a run for that play.

RK: Nothing else to say

WV: This pretty much guarantees that Gardy will be starting Punto at DH if not at 3B the rest of the season.

BOTTOM 9TH, TWINS DOWN BY ONE 360 DEGREE ROTATION OF THE BASE PATHS

WV: I wouldn't swing at-oll, Bert

RK: Bikini Atoll, Bert

WV: You rat, you stole atoll.

WV: These are pretty easy pitches to bunt, it would seem young Skywalker

RK: I appreciate him trying to go up the line, but it's gotta stay fair

WV: Someone call up Kirk Cameron cuz we got us some Growing Pains

WV: Where's the rally simian when you need it

RK: If Joe comes through, I'll go to his church as soon as I can

RK: Some teenaged girl had to have done that by now, right?

WV: Oh gawd.

RK: You've got to be kidding me

POSTGAME

WV: At least Anthony LaPanta is still around.

RK: I guess Blackburn gave a good outing

WV: I'd say that this is something we should get used to, but isn't our offense supposed to be a tad better?

RK: That was the point of locking up Cuddy, Dr. Neau, and getting Dlmon, right?

WV: That's what LaVelle tells me. And if LaVelle were to ever bear false witness, there'd by folks jumping out of the IDS Tower left and right.

RK: Well, I might be there in a week

RK: But seriously, Blackburn looked good

WV: That's something we can hang our hat on.

RK: Yes, small things.

PREGAME

I'm a the real is the rational person. As some of you may or may not know, neither WV nor I live in Minnesota. He in San Francisco California, and I am tucked away in Blacksburg Virginia. Forget DC, I have cherry blossoms outside my apartment!

Also, the city with the highest concentration of cherry blossoms in the US and A is Newark New Jersey. Hard to believe, I know. The point? I've lived in a few cities with cherry blossoms, and that's probably been a good thing.

But I like living in Hokieland. The Hokies seem to have that Minnesotan "Be good, but not THAT good" mentality (See recent NIT and loss to SJ's Jayhawks in the football). As you are well aware, however, I don't get Twins games.

So how do I watch them? I drop down some major bank to get mlb.tv ULTIMATE FIGHTING. Premium. Whatever. And you know what the coolest thing is? Mosaic! I can watch a million games at once except - it's not working. I called the customer service line and the first thing they say is that it's not working. It'll be up tonight, but come on guys, you had all off-season to work on this, right?

Next year I'm getting Extra Innings, next year I'm getting Extra Innings... shudder.

Whinypants away!

Also, did anybody else notice this? In the 3rd inning or so last night, I could have sworn on my yet-undug grave that Joe Morgan said that he was in Montreal. Can anybody confirm this?

Oooh, Alton's doing epplants on Good Eats. I love eggplant.

WV in later - west coast bias!

TOP 1ST

BERT! Oh my gentle Jesus, I've missed you. Is it your birthday soon? I bet it is!

Oh, before we start: memo to Sinn Fein: The Twins were something like 4 games over .500 from 03-07 when Santana wasn't the starter, and won something like 85% of the times he did start. He's the reason they got all those postseasons berths. I'll probably miss him a little more. Harrumph.

What? Bert is talking about pitch count? What did Dick put in his drink?

Remember when Gary Matthews Jr. took steroids? Yeah, me neither.

Welp.

Hey, I remember Marty Cordova! Hm. Maybe I should just list a bunch of people I remember instead of watching these doubles in the gaps.

First pitch swinging from Hunter - some things never change.

I suppose that could have been worse. The good thing is that the boys are about to see Jon Garland. You remember him, right? From the Bitch Sox? Perennial fifth starter? Oh yes.

BOTTOM 1ST LAAofA: 2 GOOD GUYS 0

God, Speedy Go[m]ez can barely even ground out. That's amazing.

Thanks EMH, I'm glad I'm not the (only) crazy one. I caught it on the repeat showing last night. Yeah, I watched the game twice, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Well that was nothing to write home about.

TOP 2ND II TO ....(the Romans didn't have a notation for zero)

Doubles for everyone! I have recently hit a double off of BOOOOOOF

Oh, Alton is doing Pomegranate now on Good Eats. I've always wondered how to deal with those berries

Hey everybody a strikeout!

Yes. My life is complete with Bert barking BOOOOF!

BOTTOM 2ND, SAME SCORE

Who the hell is Telly Hughes? When did he get here? I can tell I'm gonna like this guy. Where's Clay Matvick?

"We'll welcome Telly to the tele!" Oh Bert, when you retire, we're gonna give you this site.

Jensen, really? That's fantastic! I hope he keeps mentioning it then. In re: football game - I'm glad my flight to Vegas was delayed or I would have lost a little money.

The Rubik's Kubel makes a guy wonder why exactly we have the Monroe Doctrine. I'm not hating, not yet, but it's kind of perplexing all the same.

I hope we're not seeing the return of the dearth of offense

TOP 3RD, SAME OLD SAME OLD

Psh, Rod Carew would have hit that bouncer out the park, Vlad

2 quick outs; this is more like the Boof I want to see

Caramel Delight Fiber One Cereal is delicious

That Web Gem by Harris was down-right Puntonian. I really hope that word catches on. If stupid Michael Kay can put Jeterian in the nation's lexicon, we can use Puntonian to combat it.

BOTTOM 3RD

When Bert said "Great play to retire the side," in my head I heard "Re-Tyner the side." I really miss this guy.

No curveballs for little leaguers, 3 quick outs, it truly is the most wonderful Tyner of the year.

TOP 4TH

Loyal reader and other co-blogger TL says the following:



"He's so handsome, the dirt slides on him. Hundreds of ants are actually cheering in that photo. He'll hit 3 HR on his good looks alone and save the day."

There was some more good baseball, but you didn't come here for that, did you? You poor thing.

BOTTOM 4TH

Is this a baseball game? Do you feel like there's something missing in it too?

TOP 5TH

Mike from Naples makes life even more complicated. If we can't score 2 runs by grounding out 3 times in 4 pitches, how are we gonna score 3?

Adam Everett, stop it. The Pear King would not have made that error. OK, maybe he would have, but SJ doesn't have a mad crush on you so we don't need to be as forgiving.

Hm, under review, turns out layout isn't my thing. These things and more are what WV's presence brings.

"A wondrous mix." That's right, Dick. and now we're down 4-0.

We can say that this is an inauspicious start for BOOOF, right? I mean, am I going on a limb here?

BOTTOM 5TH 4-0

Sorry, I got a phone call, but hey, a run!

TOP 6TH 4-1, MAY AS WELL BE 400-1

Kayla, you are probably correct with your comparison

But the pitching and defense is holding well. I just can't help myself, I deep down believe in the rally. It's a true fact.

Wow, Bon Jovi sounds just like he looks, doesn't he?

My video player went all jankee lo-fi on me. Are we out of the inning? Hahaha, most insightful baseball blog ever.

BOTTOM 6TH, SAME SCORE, I THINK. WHO KNOWS

"So that takes care of Mauer's single." You have no idea how right you are, Dick. On so many levels.

TOP 7TH WHATEVER

Did Dick just call the Reyes Sampler Platter "The Big Sweat?" Because that's kinda gross.

... Let's talk about something else.

I recently read the book White Noise by Don DeLillo, and I can very much recommend it. At some point the son talks about how the sun's Corolla has nuclear explosions way more intense than the Russian IBMs that are pointed at us. When asked "isn't the Corolla a car?? He replies, "Everything's a car." Such is consumer culture for you!

Boy, Young does not look good out there in the outfield.

BOTTOM 7TH, AN INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD TO NOT ENOUGH

I hope this leadoff double isn't wasted, but part of me thinks... no, I mustn't allow myself.

Garland, however, has looked really good. I have to admit. I sort of remember him owning the Twins, but apparently he has a 7-8 record against the good guys.

It's the return of no wait you're kidding, he didn't just say what I think he did, did he? the return of OFFENSEFUTILITY.

TOP 8TH

Well, there was a home run by Ed Koch, man. But on the upside, Dick Bremer knows this eternal truth: you don't put ketchup on a bratwurst

Hey, I remember Tony Fiore too! I also remember RsBI.

I do kinda feel bad for Lance Bass though. Hopefully he can minimize this damage.

Once again, this video feed is choppy, so I missed the cool play the Chairman had. It's giving me anger salad.

Izturis has the worst hair in all of baseball.

"I think it's a clean slide; you're not out here to kiss each other, you're out here to win a ball game." Don't worry Dick, I wrote it down.

It's pretty much my job.

BOTTOM 8TH

Joe, this is not what we expect of you. What a sad game this is.

TOP 9TH

Joowan takes revenge for his hotfoot.

The agnus makes a nice throw over to first, and he must be cursing the hell out of this artificial turf.

My attention has turned to other things, but I'm hearing the clinketyclink of the runs being tallied, so I assume we're down by about 40 runs.

But no matter how sad I am about this game, hearing Dick and Bert talk always puts a smile on my face. RALLY

BOTTOM 9TH

Aw, they're trying to remember gifts they gave to each other.

OH MY GOD

B: I remember that long underwear you gave me
D: Yeah
B: I haven't taken them off since you gave them to me - and you said I was smelling wood!

Reason number 452 why we named this blog what we did.

POSTGAME

Cynical thought of the day: If LOBs determined the winner of games, we'd probably 120 games.

But you know me, I'll be here tomorrow.